As she walked into her dark bedroom, Amanda moaned. She did not bother to turn on any lights. The brightness might make her head hurt worse. Lee had offered to come in and give her back rub, but she had declined. If he had walked into her home tonight, she would not have let him leave it until the morning.
She had already had too many discussions with the boys since their grandmother had moved out of the house. Being the inquisitive teenagers they were, they would have more questions for her in the morning. Joe's leaving had not brought forth the inquisition she had faced with Dotty's abrupt departure. The boys had had more warning, and had been too young when their father left to know the questions to ask.
She walked over to her bed, using the small pool of moonlight to guide her steps. She picked up the nightgown she had hastily thrown onto her covers that morning. Tossing it back down, she yanked off the clothes she had worn all day. She knew she should hang them, and normally would have, but tonight she felt like a small child. She threw them on the floor.
Her mother had left her. Amanda had kids of her own, and she felt abandoned by her mother!
Shaking her head, she let the nightgown slide its way down onto her body. Fortunately, working at the Agency had taught her how to force herself to sleep, how to shut down her mind long enough to let her body fall into rest. She used to be such a picky person about sleep. She tried to imagine her, the woman she had been the day she met Lee, falling asleep in a cardboard box; she failed.
Her tired body heard it before it felt it. Paper crunched beneath her head. Sitting up, she grabbed the envelope off of her pillow. She took a deep breath and forced herself to turn on the lamp. She recognized the handwriting on the front--Dotty's. She played with the idea of waiting until morning to read it, but quickly decided against it. No amount of Agency training would let her sleep with that letter crying out her name from the nightstand beside her head.
The sound of the envelope being ripped open sounded incredibly loud in the room. Steeling herself for a curt, angry message, she gasped when it read like her mother wrote it, the one she had before Dotty found out that her daughter was a spy.
Dearest Amanda,
I've begun this letter a dozen times. The words have been hard for me to find. I know you are hurt and confused, but then so am I. I have always hoped that you would never learn about Carl. Even more than I hoped that desire for adventure had not been passed down to you.
Give me time, baby girl. I still love you. Even though I am very angry and hurt right now.
I stopped in tonight to try to talk to you, to try to find the words to explain. I admit that I'm glad you weren't here. Even as I knocked on the door, I knew I was not ready.
Instead of you, I found Philip and Jamie waiting with their own questions. I took them out for ice cream. When they asked me why, I did not know what to say. It is not my place to tell them about you, and I cannot find the words to share with you about what I am experiencing. How do I explain that to two young boys? So, I told them I was having a mid-life crisis and needed some time to myself. Being boys, they seemed to accept that answer. For now.
I will try to call you tomorrow. I hope you are not out trying to find more information about your father. Austin and Katherine both have told me that you asked questions, and I know that if you are anything like me, you won't let it go.
Please, Amanda, for both our sakes, let it go.
Love,
Mother
After studying the words, Amanda folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. Lying back down, she stared at the ceiling, her mind going in a million different directions all at once. Since finding out that her father had died to protect her, she had worried that maybe Dotty held her responsible in some way. However, the letter had at least laid that fear to rest.
Letting out a deep shuddering breath, Amanda tried to gather her thoughts. She needed sleep; tomorrow was going to be rough. She was not all that worried about the meeting with Doctor Smyth. Concerned for what might happen to Lee and her professionally maybe, but the emotional pressure would not be that intense. She barely knew the man; she in no way felt like she had betrayed his trust.
Billy and Francine were different. They would be happy for them, but they would also be hurt. Billy had been the pep club for their romance long before either one of them would have considered the possibility. He had easily accepted their need to keep their relationship secret, and had even told them so. However, how would he feel finding out that their relationship was a marriage?
Francine was . . . Francine. She tried so hard to appear cold and sophisticated that it had taken Amanda a long time to see the heart that beat beneath the exterior. They would never be the type of friends that hung out together, but Amanda knew when push came to shove, Francine would back her up all the way.
Even when she had tried to warn Amanda about Lee, her heart had been in the right place. She did not know Lee the way Amanda did. The man Francine had a relationship with in the past had practically been another man wearing Lee Stetson's face. The man married to Amanda had learned to trust, to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, and had allowed himself to realize how much he yearned for a family of his own. Francine's own past relationships, and her own prejudices, had prevented her from seeing the changes.
Tomorrow would be a rough day. Amanda needed to make some decisions, and she was not even sure what her options were, yet, but they would be life changing. The options about her home life she did know, but she did not want to make that decision. Was it time to tell Philip and Jamie the truth? Or should she forever keep it a secret?
She remembered the bitterness in Lee's voice when he had said "lies" earlier in Julia's office; she doubted he had even noticed the feeling he put into the word. She had though, and it had been a slap in the face, even though he had not been talking to her. She had been lying so much over the last four years, it felt natural now. Didn't she used to feel awkward lying to her family?
Philip and Jamie were both teen-agers now. If she was going to tell them, now might be the best time. If something happened to her, what lies would the Agency tell them? If something happened to her out in the field, would they be told that she had died in a car crash? Would they feel as betrayed as she did right now? She was not sure she could let that happen.
She managed to fall asleep. Unfortunately, her mind never let her body rest; she tossed and turned all night as different scenarios played themselves out in her dreams.
***
Holding the earpiece away, Amanda winced as the screams hit her eardrums. "He's perfect! Oh, Amanda, I'm thrilled. You both will have to come over for dinner some time next week so I can welcome him into the family.
Usually a morning person herself, Amanda wondered how anyone could be so cheery at six o'clock in the morning. She had been downstairs starting her coffee, struggling not to miss Dotty's presence, when she realized she had forgotten to let Aunt Katherine know the latest events.
Doctor Smyth had told her about Dotty's abrupt departure--something Katherine said she had a hard time believing--but he had failed to tell her about her new nephew-in-law. She would fuss at him for it later; Amanda tried to picture anyone fussing at Doctor Smyth and failed. As Katherine continued to talk about all of Lee's merits, she sighed. "Looks like Lee has made another conquest."
Katherine's laughter helped sooth her aching nerves. "Honey, I know you well enough to know that you aren't bothered by your husband's charm. It's part of him, and his heart belongs to you in full."
Leaning on the counter, Amanda looked out the window where Lee had tapped so many times. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I sound so grumpy. I'm really not looking forward to a meeting today, and I didn't sleep well, and--"
"Meeting? Is Austin holding a meeting about your marriage?" Katherine exhaled loudly when Amanda confirmed that it was. "He never did like married people working together."
The sound of feet clomping at the top of the stairs warned Amanda that the boys were heading down for breakfast. "Got to go, Aunt Katherine. Philip and Jamie are wanting to eat!"
"My thoughts and prayers will be with you today, Honey."
"Thanks, I'll need them," Amanda whispered before hanging up the phone.
Philip and Jamie's eyes roamed the kitchen, looking for someone they knew would not be there. Smiling sadly, Amanda remembered a long ago morning and frantic rush to get ready to go to the train station to drop off Dean. Dotty had been cooking away, following the directions of the woman on the TV--a woman her daughter would help arrest for spying in a few days. Philip and Jamie had been--
"How about some sugar sandwiches?" Sometimes, she wished she could turn back time so that she could enjoy the tiny moments that made up life more. Since she could not do it, she often had to remind herself to enjoy the moments as they happened.
Both boys looked at her in a manner that teenagers alone could do right. "Oh, gross, Mom," Philip groaned. Amanda laughed, enjoying the feeling of release.
***