Looking around, Amanda reluctantly admitted that it was a nice apartment building. No cracks in the walls, no graffiti, no signs of rodents. She had been hoping for a dump, so she could play her mother and force Dotty to move back home. After all, Dotty had not let Amanda live in that one apartment when she had been college student.
The knock at the door was muted by the sound of her own heart pounding. She glanced down at the paper, double-checking that she was at the right apartment, although she knew she was.
Dotty finally opened the door. Her hands shook nervously, but she smiled when she saw Amanda. Both women stood at the door, afraid to say anything. "It's time for us to talk, don't you think?" Amanda finally found the courage to say. Dotty closed her eyes and nodded.
***
Ruby red liquid poured into the glasses. Amanda accepted the glass from her mother, glad it was not vodka again. She could still taste the harsh liquid on her tongue.
Amanda sat nervously, waiting for Dotty to say something. She wanted to know why Dotty had reacted so strongly to the news. At the same time, she wanted to run away and pretend it had never happened. She would not admit to anyone, even herself, how afraid she had been that Dotty would slam the door in her face.
"Austin called earlier," Dotty finally said. She leaned back into her couch. "He said that he and some of the other higher ups had a meeting with you all today."
Amanda nodded, not wanting to remember the earlier scene in Billy's office. "Yeah, they did. Doctor Smyth was not too happy with us, but they aren't going to do anything to us--except separate us." She whispered the last three words. She was not even sure she wanted to work at the Agency without Lee by her side. The excitement was great, but Lee was better.
Dotty sighed, and then took a drink of her wine. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. Knowing Austin, and from what I hear about your success rate together, it's just a technicality."
Amanda's eyebrow shot up as she looked at her mother. "What do you mean?"
Dotty smiled, but the vacant look in her eyes let Amanda know that her mother was visiting a different time and place in her mind. "Austin would never 'let' Carl and I be partners either. We were never assigned to anyone else--I wasn't technically assigned to anyone, but you know what that's like. We worked together like partners, just without the Agency's 'official' stamp of approval."
Amanda recalled Doctor Smyth's earlier words: "You and Scarecrow will be assigned to the Q-bureau, Mrs. King, until such time that we can find you both new partners." They had been devastated by the idea, but it made her think that maybe Dotty was right. The time frame had been vague at best, and usually when Doctor Smyth made a decision he wanted immediate results. She would talk about it with Lee later. Right now, she wanted to talk with her Mother about their resent fighting.
"Mother, I want to talk about Daddy." Amanda started at hearing that word all off her lips; she had not called him that since she had been a very small girl.
Dotty flinched. Draining her glass, she reached for the wine bottle on the coffee table. She leaned back after pouring another drink. "What is there to talk about, Amanda? He was an agent, and he died out in the field."
Fear came back to haunt Amanda. "D-do you blame me?"
Dotty started at the question. Putting the glass down with a decisive snap, she grabbed her daughter and hugged her close. "Oh, no, never! My baby girl, I could never blame you."
Dotty pulled away, her shoulders dropped in defeat. Getting up, she grabbed her glass and walked over to the window. "I could never blame you, because it was all my fault," she whispered. "I never wanted you to know that I was responsible for Carl's death." She began crying, as Amanda remained frozen to the couch.
"The reports said the Soviet agent was trying to kill me--"
Dotty nodded as she used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. Her makeup began to smear, making her look like a child who had gotten into her mother's makeup to play. "He was, but not because of you, or your father, but because of me."
Silence reigned after Dotty's sobs stopped. Amanda watched from her seat as Dotty gulped down her wine. "Do you know what a Peacock Dance is, Amanda?"
She remembered sitting in Lee's car, listening to the man with whom she had just started dating, making out with a Russian agent. She swallowed hard, her stomach rolling in protest. She had never considered the possibility that her father might have played the field that way. "Yes, I do."
Her mother turned to look at her, a sad smile of understanding on her lips. "I never wanted you to be a spy. I never wanted you to have to face the danger or the choices we faced." Her laugh was dry. "I never wanted you to know what we did for our country. I think you know what I mean."
Amanda remembered Doctor Smyth's earlier words. Did she want Philip and Jamie to know what she had done for the Agency? She nodded.
"I was sick for days the first time I shot a man; he did not even die. Just a flesh wound, but I couldn't believe that I did it," Dotty said, looking back out the window again. "I read that you had never faced that, and I hope you never have to either."
It was Amanda's biggest fear, and she knew that it was Lee's, too. He was afraid, when push came to shove, she would be unable to kill someone, even to save her own life. "No, I haven't."
"The Peacock Dance--somehow I never heard of it until--When I learned that you father had--Oh, he hadn't--I just hated the idea of him even holding and kissing another woman, even if he had never been to her bed," she spat.
Amanda understood the feeling. "Lee did all the dancing," she had snapped to Billy after a night of listening to Lee flirting with and kissing Sonja. She nodded, even though Dotty could not see the unspoken show of support.
Dotty turned to face her, her fist clenched tightly next to her thigh. Amanda hoped she would not break the wineglass clasped in her hand. "I was so angry at him. When I ran into Alexi at the grocery store, I was still shaking at the idea. I recognized Alexi immediately. We had been debriefed that morning about him, right before I found about your father's date the previous evening."
Dotty began to pace. Her eyes were blank, her mind somewhere else, lost in an event that happened almost twenty years ago. "I was only going to follow him, but it had never been one of my strengths." She smiled, even though her lips remained white. "I bumped into him instead! I was embarrassed, but he found me charming. He asked me out to dinner. I opened my mouth to say 'no', but found myself saying 'yes' when I thought about your father and that woman . . . "
Amanda looked down at her own hands, which were locked tightly together. "So, you said yes," she promoted when her mother remained silent.
Dotty stopped pacing, and her eyes focused on Amanda. "I said 'yes', and I ran to tell your father. Carl was furious, but--Austin thought it was a great idea. So, I went." She shrugged. "Alexi was the perfect gentleman. He only kissed my hand, but I felt so dirty. I think I washed my hands for almost a half hour that night." She looked down at her hands as if she still hated them for her betrayal.
Dotty shook as she told the rest of the story. "That life went on for a couple of months, and we managed to infiltrate several of the Soviet spy rings. I hated seeing the pain on Carl's face, but Austin kept pleading with me to stay in the roll. He got his big promotion, and--I couldn't take it anymore. Austin had what he wanted, so I ended it one night. I messed that assignment up badly, because I told him too much truth. I told him that I was really married, that I had thought I wanted the excitement of an affair, but I knew I couldn't really do it. I even told him that I had a daughter, and where you were going to school."
Amanda's legs finally let her move. She got up from the couch, her arms aching to hold her mother close.
Dotty backed away, leaning against the window behind her. She held out her hand, shaking her head. "Your father," she said, using her hand to emphasize her point. "Your father did not die because that man was a spy! He died because--he died because Alexi was obsessed with me! He wanted to hurt me, so he tried to kill you. I don't know how Carl even found about his plan; I was too angry with Austin to even look at him. I blamed him for a long, long time. If Carl hadn't found out, you--" Dotty broke down, sobbing. Amanda reached forward, holding her mother close as she cried.
***