*THREE YEARS PREVIOUS*
Matt and Mimi sat and talked as the producer attempted to fix the broken reel.
"So..." Mimi began.
"So...how are things?" Matt forced out.
"Great." Mimi displayed a hand with a small silver ring on it. "Sora and I are thinking of adopting a kid."
"That would be great. Sora'd make a great mom."
"Yeah." Mimi smiled, a look in her eyes as though she was already looking forward to taking care of a little one. "I think I really want a girl. Okay, thinking is a bit of an understatement. We're choosing names. I like Rose, myself. Or Lilly. Some flower name."
"Great."
Mimi sat and entwined her fingers. "How are things with you and Tai?"
Matt forced a grin. "Tai and I are just wonderful, thank you for asking."
"Oh, dear." Mimi took Matt's hand. "That bad?"
"That bad."
"I'm sorry. What...no. I won't ask."
"You can ask. We've been...fighting. He doesn't like that we can't be open."
"Why can't you? I mean, people know about me and Sora."
"My manager..."
"Ah. Yeah, mine was a bit pissy when I wanted to come out, too."
"And there's more...I haven't exactly been...um..."
"Clean or faithful?"
"How'd you guess?"
"I didn't need to guess, Matt. I know."
"Yeah."
"So, you backslid on the drugs and you've been sleeping with other guys."
"And he knows." Matt closed his eyes. "I love him. I love him more than anything. But when I'm on the road and someone offers a toke or a beer, I can't say no that well. And then...when I've had a bit, I tend to get going with the harder things. Even if I'm not, they always make me want to...um...cuddle, and none too choosy about who I do it with."
"Oh."
"And now he's been asking me to choose, and I'm not sure if I can do that. Because choosing him would mean I have to keep away from these temptations...and we all know how many of them there are..."
"And how bad you are at avoiding them."
"Yeah. And now one of the guys I was with is...threatening to take the story to the papers. And I don't know what to do, or what's happening..."
"It'll be okay, Matt. Things will work out."
"Yeah. I try to think that. But..."
"Matt." Mimi took both of Matt's hands in hers. "Listen. Tai really loves you. And you really love him. It'll work out, somehow. Don't worry."
Matt nodded sadly. "Yeah. Hey, did you hear about TK?"
"No, what?"
"He moved in with Iori."
"That's great."
Mimi looked over at Matt, watching him as he tried to avoid really talking.
"Just great." She echoed.
*****
*THE PRESENT*
Sora rolled over in the night and reached over to pull her Mimi close.
Sora got an armful of pillow.
"Mi-chan?" She muttered, half awake.
Hmm. Not there. She obviously already got up...
Already got up?
MY Mimi?
I don't think so.
Sora rolled over and slowly stood up. Something is wrong, she thought.
And inside her, some unknown warrior-princess-esque protective urge unfolded.
Sora slowly stalked out of the bedroom, picking up a baseball bat as she left. On catlike feet, she moved downstairs. Saw a light on in the kitchen.
Mimi's there, she thought, and almost put the bat down before she saw...
Something on the couch.
A FORM on the couch.
SOMEONE on the couch.
Too big to be Mimi, or Lilly. Thus, someone who was not supposed to be there.
"Okay, you." She muttered, raising the bat. "You better have a good explanation for..."
"SORA!" Mimi yelled from the kitchen.
"Mi-chan?"
The form sat up. It had wild brown hair and a confused expression. "Huh?" It muttered.
"Tai! You surprized me!"
"Obviously." Tai muttered, looking at the bat.
Sora blushed and put the bat down, then pulled Tai into a hug. "Hey there, big bro." She said.
"Tai showed up last night." Mimi explained. "He needed a place to stay, and I offered him our couch. I didn't think you'd mind, Sor-chan. I ESPECIALLY didn't think come at him with a bat."
"Yeah, well, I do it for you, Mi-chan. Hey, Tai, where's Matt?" Sora noticed a flash of pain come over Tai's face. "Nevermind." She muttered. "Good to see you."
Mimi walked over and put a hand on Sora's shoulder. "Maybe we should let Tai sleep, Sor-chan."
Mimi cocked her head towards the kitchen.
Sora's sleep and adrenaline-addled brain took a second to realize what Mimi was saying. "Yeah." She said.
Sora and Mimi walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind them.
*****
I don't want to mess up the bed so I kick off my shoes and curl up on top of the covers. I stare at the letter. I don't need to read it. I know what it says. And, honestly, I'm afraid to touch it. Once or twice I put out a hand and almost touch the very edge of the ribbon with the tip of my finger, but I always pull my hand away.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep here. Not here. And I don't want to leave. This room is so Tai, even without his things. The bed still smells a little bit like him, and he put these blankets in place. I think I'm about to fall apart. I'm so exhausted, I just took a redeye to get here, and I'm not exactly doing that well in general. And sleeping here alone would mean messing up these blankets he put in place, but leaving here would be like leaving him, and we all know I could never really sleep alone. That was always my problem. I can't sleep alone. Not sober, anyway.
When I told Mimi about how things were going, at that recording session it-seems-so-long-ago, she told me not to worry. That things would work out. Yeah, Mimi, they worked out just great. They worked me out of the equation. How long ago was that? It was just before they adopted Lilly, so...
Three years.
Three years ago I knew how bad things were and I didn't do anything. I didn't save this.
It's all my fault.
The Cure tape I put on comes to an end, but I can't haul myself up to change it or put it back on so the house is plunged into the very silence I wanted to avoid.
I can almost hear the silence. All the little noises...Tai's noises...the ones that used to drive me crazy...but without them...
What am I going to do?
I gave it all up to come back to him and he left. I waited too long, and I destroyed the one real thing in my life. And returned to an empty house...
This house...
I HATE this house.
I bought this house with the proceeds from my first record. Tai and I planned to live here together.
It ended up being just Tai living here.
When I was just starting out, Tai and I lived in the world's tiniest apartment, above an "adult" bookstore. I worked at a record store. He went to school, had an internship at some big company. I got fired (why'd I get fired again? I don't remember. I think I insulted my boss.). I got a job at a diner. Buzzy's Roadkill Cafe. I had to wear an idiotic hat shaped like a vulture. Tai went to college.
Then everything went bad. I got in my band...what a great band we were! Suncolor Graph. We really had a spirit, some meaning. Tai came to all our shows, everyone knew we were a couple. Then we got a record contract and a manager and an "image" and I went in the closet because our manager told me to be in the closet and I had to tell everyone that Tai was my secretary, and the band was on the road for months at a time when I could only call him at night, and someone gave me some drugs and they seemed okay, if they were a bit stronger than the pot the guys and I used to smoke, and before I knew what was happening I'd shot up and ended up with...Laine was it? That first time? And then it was just a series of drugs and groupies and I tried to hide it all from Tai, but he found out, at least about the drugs, and that one winter between tours I managed to go clean, just cigarettes and an occasional beer, but we finished our album and we went back on tour and all the same temptations were there and it all started again, and Tai gave me the message that he needed some time, which eventually turned into "The band or me" and I chose! I chose! I left the band, but it was too late and I showed up here and he'd left...probably went to Miyako and Kari's apartment. Or maybe Sora and Mimi's. They're farther. His blood sister or his soul sister, he went to one of them, and he left me alone in this huge bloody idiotic house and it's just me now and nobody cares.
"Tai..." I moan. "Why didn't you just wait one more day?" I'm crying. I didn't realize it before, but I'm crying. Not tiny tears but great huffing sobs. The kind of cry that leaves you feeling worse, with a bright red face and a nose running ropes of snot. It feels like my heart and soul have been replaced with ground glass, like I'm burning all over, but it's a burning cold.
I wonder if I should call someone, but I wonder what that would do, and then I feel shitty enough to try it and I get halfway through dialing TK-and-Iori's number before my hand freezes up and I hang up the phone (stupid duck phone Tai bought. I hate this duck.) because I don't know what I'd say to TK, and I definitely don't know what I'd say if Iori picked up...God, how did I manage to screw over everyone that meant anything to me? I stand up and pace for a second, try to light a cigarette but my hands are shaking so hard that it's a lost cause and then I think about having a drink but we don't have anything in the house because Tai was trying so hard to keep me clean and sober, at least at home, and that thought shakes me so hard that I start crying again, hands knotted in my hair and bawling like a baby and then I'm curled up on the floor with my back to the bed and I look over and I can see a picture of Tai and I when we went to Santa Monica pier and that just makes me cry until I can barely breathe and I wish someone was here, anyone, Gabumon, TK, Mimi, Kari, but especially I wish Tai was here and he hasn't even been gone for one day and I already miss him more than I missed anything in my miserable withered life.
*****
Matt and Mimi sat and talked as the producer attempted to fix the broken reel.
"So..." Mimi began.
"So...how are things?" Matt forced out.
"Great." Mimi displayed a hand with a small silver ring on it. "Sora and I are thinking of adopting a kid."
"That would be great. Sora'd make a great mom."
"Yeah." Mimi smiled, a look in her eyes as though she was already looking forward to taking care of a little one. "I think I really want a girl. Okay, thinking is a bit of an understatement. We're choosing names. I like Rose, myself. Or Lilly. Some flower name."
"Great."
Mimi sat and entwined her fingers. "How are things with you and Tai?"
Matt forced a grin. "Tai and I are just wonderful, thank you for asking."
"Oh, dear." Mimi took Matt's hand. "That bad?"
"That bad."
"I'm sorry. What...no. I won't ask."
"You can ask. We've been...fighting. He doesn't like that we can't be open."
"Why can't you? I mean, people know about me and Sora."
"My manager..."
"Ah. Yeah, mine was a bit pissy when I wanted to come out, too."
"And there's more...I haven't exactly been...um..."
"Clean or faithful?"
"How'd you guess?"
"I didn't need to guess, Matt. I know."
"Yeah."
"So, you backslid on the drugs and you've been sleeping with other guys."
"And he knows." Matt closed his eyes. "I love him. I love him more than anything. But when I'm on the road and someone offers a toke or a beer, I can't say no that well. And then...when I've had a bit, I tend to get going with the harder things. Even if I'm not, they always make me want to...um...cuddle, and none too choosy about who I do it with."
"Oh."
"And now he's been asking me to choose, and I'm not sure if I can do that. Because choosing him would mean I have to keep away from these temptations...and we all know how many of them there are..."
"And how bad you are at avoiding them."
"Yeah. And now one of the guys I was with is...threatening to take the story to the papers. And I don't know what to do, or what's happening..."
"It'll be okay, Matt. Things will work out."
"Yeah. I try to think that. But..."
"Matt." Mimi took both of Matt's hands in hers. "Listen. Tai really loves you. And you really love him. It'll work out, somehow. Don't worry."
Matt nodded sadly. "Yeah. Hey, did you hear about TK?"
"No, what?"
"He moved in with Iori."
"That's great."
Mimi looked over at Matt, watching him as he tried to avoid really talking.
"Just great." She echoed.
*****
*THE PRESENT*
Sora rolled over in the night and reached over to pull her Mimi close.
Sora got an armful of pillow.
"Mi-chan?" She muttered, half awake.
Hmm. Not there. She obviously already got up...
Already got up?
MY Mimi?
I don't think so.
Sora rolled over and slowly stood up. Something is wrong, she thought.
And inside her, some unknown warrior-princess-esque protective urge unfolded.
Sora slowly stalked out of the bedroom, picking up a baseball bat as she left. On catlike feet, she moved downstairs. Saw a light on in the kitchen.
Mimi's there, she thought, and almost put the bat down before she saw...
Something on the couch.
A FORM on the couch.
SOMEONE on the couch.
Too big to be Mimi, or Lilly. Thus, someone who was not supposed to be there.
"Okay, you." She muttered, raising the bat. "You better have a good explanation for..."
"SORA!" Mimi yelled from the kitchen.
"Mi-chan?"
The form sat up. It had wild brown hair and a confused expression. "Huh?" It muttered.
"Tai! You surprized me!"
"Obviously." Tai muttered, looking at the bat.
Sora blushed and put the bat down, then pulled Tai into a hug. "Hey there, big bro." She said.
"Tai showed up last night." Mimi explained. "He needed a place to stay, and I offered him our couch. I didn't think you'd mind, Sor-chan. I ESPECIALLY didn't think come at him with a bat."
"Yeah, well, I do it for you, Mi-chan. Hey, Tai, where's Matt?" Sora noticed a flash of pain come over Tai's face. "Nevermind." She muttered. "Good to see you."
Mimi walked over and put a hand on Sora's shoulder. "Maybe we should let Tai sleep, Sor-chan."
Mimi cocked her head towards the kitchen.
Sora's sleep and adrenaline-addled brain took a second to realize what Mimi was saying. "Yeah." She said.
Sora and Mimi walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind them.
*****
I don't want to mess up the bed so I kick off my shoes and curl up on top of the covers. I stare at the letter. I don't need to read it. I know what it says. And, honestly, I'm afraid to touch it. Once or twice I put out a hand and almost touch the very edge of the ribbon with the tip of my finger, but I always pull my hand away.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep here. Not here. And I don't want to leave. This room is so Tai, even without his things. The bed still smells a little bit like him, and he put these blankets in place. I think I'm about to fall apart. I'm so exhausted, I just took a redeye to get here, and I'm not exactly doing that well in general. And sleeping here alone would mean messing up these blankets he put in place, but leaving here would be like leaving him, and we all know I could never really sleep alone. That was always my problem. I can't sleep alone. Not sober, anyway.
When I told Mimi about how things were going, at that recording session it-seems-so-long-ago, she told me not to worry. That things would work out. Yeah, Mimi, they worked out just great. They worked me out of the equation. How long ago was that? It was just before they adopted Lilly, so...
Three years.
Three years ago I knew how bad things were and I didn't do anything. I didn't save this.
It's all my fault.
The Cure tape I put on comes to an end, but I can't haul myself up to change it or put it back on so the house is plunged into the very silence I wanted to avoid.
I can almost hear the silence. All the little noises...Tai's noises...the ones that used to drive me crazy...but without them...
What am I going to do?
I gave it all up to come back to him and he left. I waited too long, and I destroyed the one real thing in my life. And returned to an empty house...
This house...
I HATE this house.
I bought this house with the proceeds from my first record. Tai and I planned to live here together.
It ended up being just Tai living here.
When I was just starting out, Tai and I lived in the world's tiniest apartment, above an "adult" bookstore. I worked at a record store. He went to school, had an internship at some big company. I got fired (why'd I get fired again? I don't remember. I think I insulted my boss.). I got a job at a diner. Buzzy's Roadkill Cafe. I had to wear an idiotic hat shaped like a vulture. Tai went to college.
Then everything went bad. I got in my band...what a great band we were! Suncolor Graph. We really had a spirit, some meaning. Tai came to all our shows, everyone knew we were a couple. Then we got a record contract and a manager and an "image" and I went in the closet because our manager told me to be in the closet and I had to tell everyone that Tai was my secretary, and the band was on the road for months at a time when I could only call him at night, and someone gave me some drugs and they seemed okay, if they were a bit stronger than the pot the guys and I used to smoke, and before I knew what was happening I'd shot up and ended up with...Laine was it? That first time? And then it was just a series of drugs and groupies and I tried to hide it all from Tai, but he found out, at least about the drugs, and that one winter between tours I managed to go clean, just cigarettes and an occasional beer, but we finished our album and we went back on tour and all the same temptations were there and it all started again, and Tai gave me the message that he needed some time, which eventually turned into "The band or me" and I chose! I chose! I left the band, but it was too late and I showed up here and he'd left...probably went to Miyako and Kari's apartment. Or maybe Sora and Mimi's. They're farther. His blood sister or his soul sister, he went to one of them, and he left me alone in this huge bloody idiotic house and it's just me now and nobody cares.
"Tai..." I moan. "Why didn't you just wait one more day?" I'm crying. I didn't realize it before, but I'm crying. Not tiny tears but great huffing sobs. The kind of cry that leaves you feeling worse, with a bright red face and a nose running ropes of snot. It feels like my heart and soul have been replaced with ground glass, like I'm burning all over, but it's a burning cold.
I wonder if I should call someone, but I wonder what that would do, and then I feel shitty enough to try it and I get halfway through dialing TK-and-Iori's number before my hand freezes up and I hang up the phone (stupid duck phone Tai bought. I hate this duck.) because I don't know what I'd say to TK, and I definitely don't know what I'd say if Iori picked up...God, how did I manage to screw over everyone that meant anything to me? I stand up and pace for a second, try to light a cigarette but my hands are shaking so hard that it's a lost cause and then I think about having a drink but we don't have anything in the house because Tai was trying so hard to keep me clean and sober, at least at home, and that thought shakes me so hard that I start crying again, hands knotted in my hair and bawling like a baby and then I'm curled up on the floor with my back to the bed and I look over and I can see a picture of Tai and I when we went to Santa Monica pier and that just makes me cry until I can barely breathe and I wish someone was here, anyone, Gabumon, TK, Mimi, Kari, but especially I wish Tai was here and he hasn't even been gone for one day and I already miss him more than I missed anything in my miserable withered life.
*****