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As I read over yesterday's entry and as I write now, I am struck by how coolly I am able to write about Zac's death. I think it is because it has not yet become real to me. None of this is. I feel like it is all happening to someone else, or like it is a dream–no a nightmare–that I will soon wake up from That Eirtaé will be standing over me, wondering why I always have to be shaken awake in the morning to start preparing the Queen's wardrobe for the day.
How can I feel like this?
I have not even cried yet. Not one tear for my brother who died so bravely.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so unfeeling?
And at the same time that I feel guilty and wrong for feeling nothing, I am afraid to start to feel. I am afraid that once I start to cry, I will never stop, that once it starts to hurt it will always hurt.I have always heard people say this about grief, and I never understood. It was just words to me. But now I know. And I wish I also knew the answer, the solution, but I don't.
There is only one thing I can do. Only one way I can think of to ease the pain of feeling no pain.
That is to make a promise to do what I know Zac wanted me to do.
And so I write here, now, in my diary, that promise.
I promise to live and to fight. I promise that I will wait for the Queen to return so that I will be ready to help in her in any way I can. And if she never returns, although I am certain she will, I will wait until someone else stands up to lead our people to overthrow the Trade Federation. And if no one stands up, then I will wait for the right time and I will stand up and lead our people myself. I will wait as long as I have to, as long as it takes.
That is my promise...I will wait...
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As I read over yesterday's entry and as I write now, I am struck by how coolly I am able to write about Zac's death. I think it is because it has not yet become real to me. None of this is. I feel like it is all happening to someone else, or like it is a dream–no a nightmare–that I will soon wake up from That Eirtaé will be standing over me, wondering why I always have to be shaken awake in the morning to start preparing the Queen's wardrobe for the day.
How can I feel like this?
I have not even cried yet. Not one tear for my brother who died so bravely.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so unfeeling?
And at the same time that I feel guilty and wrong for feeling nothing, I am afraid to start to feel. I am afraid that once I start to cry, I will never stop, that once it starts to hurt it will always hurt.I have always heard people say this about grief, and I never understood. It was just words to me. But now I know. And I wish I also knew the answer, the solution, but I don't.
There is only one thing I can do. Only one way I can think of to ease the pain of feeling no pain.
That is to make a promise to do what I know Zac wanted me to do.
And so I write here, now, in my diary, that promise.
I promise to live and to fight. I promise that I will wait for the Queen to return so that I will be ready to help in her in any way I can. And if she never returns, although I am certain she will, I will wait until someone else stands up to lead our people to overthrow the Trade Federation. And if no one stands up, then I will wait for the right time and I will stand up and lead our people myself. I will wait as long as I have to, as long as it takes.
That is my promise...I will wait...
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