Amanda was not a happy camper. She was irritated with Lee, but more so with herself. How long was this game going to be played? She was beyond frustrated. Not only was she irritated and annoyed, she was hurt. And out of everything else, that bothered her most of all. She hated feeling this way. She hadn't felt like this since she had been in high school. Well, no…that wasn't exactly true. She had been feeling hurt around Lee Stetson ever since she had met him. He was so exasperating! She never knew which way was up with him. One day he would be wonderful: kind, caring, seemingly interested in Amanda. The next day he would be rude, stand-offish, and short with her.
Amanda shook her head and sat down at the computer in the little cubbyhole in the bullpen, away from the hustle and bustle of the business of the day. She had to access the information she needed to start Dr. Andropov's life over again. Sometimes Amanda wished she could start her life all over again. Well, not her entire life, just parts of it. As she scrolled through social security and credit card information, filling out forms as need be, her thoughts wandered back over the last three years.
The first day she had ever laid eyes on Lee Stetson was a day that was burned indelibly into her memory. The desperate look in his hazel eyes as he pleaded with her to help him had gone right though her, piercing her soul. From the start she knew she was doomed. She had always been a pragmatist. She had found a comfortable and predictable relationship with Dean. Isn't that what was most important in life: reliability and predictability? Enter Lee Stetson aka Scarecrow and suddenly her life was reliably unpredictable. And, although she didn't want to admit it at first, imminently more satisfying.
There…she had said it. She wasn't satisfied with just being a divorced mother of two in the suburbs. She wanted so much more from life and Lee Stetson had shown her a glimpse of what that life could be. And lately, he had shown her the tantalizing possibility of even more.
Which brought her right back to her frustrating situation now. She and Lee had gotten closer over the last year, but more recently they had experienced a definite change. Amanda attributed it to the night/day she had been brave (foolish?) enough to tell Lee how she felt. Well, okay…she hadn't exactly come right out and said, "I love you, Lee. I've loved you forever," but she had at least managed to suggest her feelings were no longer only friendly. The Sacker case; God, could it have gotten any closer?! It had been on the tip of her tongue---almost beyond that really---to admit to Lee her love for him. She had even gotten the "I" out before he had looked into her eyes and all nerve fled her immediately; "really am glad to have known you," had escaped her traitorous lips.
But the "almost" kiss; now that was something she couldn't have misinterpreted. He had nearly kissed her: would have kissed her had they not nearly been discovered. And then the next day, she had resolved to say something to him. As she began, he had interrupted her with the, "It was just two cold people seeking a little warmth," line. She had broken eye contact as her nerve failed her again---all but one minuscule bit that allowed her to reply quietly, "Not exactly," and then immediately flee the scene. She had no idea what his reaction had been--wasn't sure if she actually wanted to know.
Since that time, things had definitely been different. There had been no more women in Lee's life---at least not that Amanda had been aware of. She was fairly certain that she knew Lee well enough to know the tell-tale signs of his late night trysts and they had been conspicuously absent since Leslie. Amanda cringed at that memory. Of all the women Lee had paraded in front of her, Leslie had been the one Amanda had been most…worried about? Annoyed with? She couldn't really put words to what she had felt. Jealousy…definitely. But she had been jealous in a different way from what she had ever experienced before.
Amanda supposed it was because Leslie had hit far too close to home for her comfort. In Amanda's own words Leslie had been "normal". Normal…but not Amanda. If Lee was going to go for normal, what was wrong with her? Then Lee had scared her by buying a dress just like her own "little black number" for Leslie. She knew she had no reason to be so upset with him; after all, he had reminded her on more than one occasion that they were just working associates; there was no more to their relationship. But that hadn't stopped Amanda from falling in love with him.
Amanda sighed and rubbed her eyes as she wrapped up Dr. Andropov's information. Her shoulders were tight from the stress she had been experiencing that had absolutely nothing to do with defecting Russian scientists, espionage, or the secrets of state she was forced to keep. She rotated her head, trying to loosen up tense muscles when suddenly she felt hands on her shoulders begin to work out the knots that were so painfully tight. Too surprised to say anything, she closed her eyes and gave in to the sensation. The secluded cubbyhole she was in blocked this moment from the possibility of any prying eyes and Amanda allowed a tiny moan to escape her lips as the tension began to ease. She was desperately hoping her unseen masseuse was Lee, but at the same time she didn't want to allow that hope to blossom just to have it crushed.
"You've been working too hard---you're really tight," Lee commented. He had come looking for her as it had gotten close to lunch time and had found her trying to loosen her stiff neck. He worked his thumbs up to the nape of her neck and began moving them in slow circles. He heard Amanda moan lightly and suddenly his heart started beating faster. Her alabaster skin was so soft and he began to envision his hands wandering, exploring all of her body. She half-sighed/whimpered again and Lee felt light-headed. God, didn't she know what this was doing to him?!
God, didn't Lee know what this was doing to her?! His hands were so slow and sensual, rubbing her shoulders and neck. The warmth they possessed spread throughout her entire body and suddenly Amanda felt as if her heart had dropped into her stomach and her head was floating somewhere in the clouds. Those hands were eliciting emotions and responses from her she didn't know she could feel. She didn't dare trust herself to speak. Oh, if this could only last forever!
Lee reluctantly slowed and eventually stopped his ministrations, but he allowed his hands to remain lightly resting on her shoulders. He cleared his throat, trying to get some moisture back into a mouth suddenly gone dry. "Are you all finished?"
Amanda nodded, still not able to trust her voice. He was leaving his hands on her shoulders. Could she work up the nerve to rest her hand on his?
"Do you want to get something to eat? It's nearly 12:00," Lee asked.
"Sure," Amanda managed to whisper. She didn't make a move to get up. She didn't want to break the physical connection they shared. His touch was electrifying and Amanda knew that she would do anything, give him anything he asked for, just to be with him.
The printer next to the computer began spitting out the data Amanda had been entering and it broke the moment. Lee leaned over to look at the information and Amanda use that moment to stand up and take a deep breath.
"Everything looks great, Amanda. You know, you've really gotten this stuff down pat. You're a hell of a lot better at it than I am, that's for sure," Lee complimented.
Amanda smiled at the unexpected praise. Comments like that were few and far between coming from Lee and she had learned early on to take them as high praise indeed when he finally let one or two slip. "Thanks. It's really been a lot easier since they up-dated the system with the patch right into the state bureau. There's no more leg work involved now."
Lee smiled and shook his head. What a difference in the Amanda of just two years ago. This woman was much more confident and assertive than the old one. "So, will it be Dooley's or Nedlinger's?"
Amanda considered both locations for a moment. "How about Dooley's this time? I'm in the mood for a cheese steak and they have the best."
Lee nodded his approval. "Dooley's it is, then."
When Lee and Amanda arrived at Dooley's, they chose a booth towards the back and ordered two cheesesteaks and one order of fries to split. They chatted about inconsequential things for a while until their food came and they ordered two more sodas. Lee opened the folder containing the information Amanda had spent the morning gathering.
"Everything looks great, Amanda. I couldn't have done any better." Lee sat back in the seat and stared contemplatively at the folder. "Sometimes I wish I could start my life over again. Well, at least parts of it," Lee mused.
Amanda's eyes opened wide at his unwitting aping of her own thoughts. "What would you change?"
Lee looked down at his soda and stirred the ice cubes with his straw. "I don't know really. Sometimes I really don't like myself too much. I can be arrogant, snobbish, generally rude….I don't set off saying I'm going to be that way on any given day; it just happens. Not as much as it used to, but still…," Lee trailed off.
"So what else would you change? No…let me guess…you'd go back to that train station and pick any other woman there, right?" Amanda laughed, only half jokingly.
Lee sat up and put his hand on hers immediately. "No. Don't ever say that, Amanda. That's probably the one thing in my life that I would never change." He looked directly at her when he said that and his hand enveloped hers, squeezing it gently.
Amanda smiled at the comment and what it implied. "I'm awfully glad you picked me that day. My life has changed so completely since the day I met you---and for the better."
Lee returned the smile and sat back against the high-backed booth seat again. "You know what I'd really like to change? My relationship track record. It's actually not something I'm very proud of." Lee started to play with his napkin.
"You know, everyone makes mistakes when it comes to relationships, Lee. Look at my 'track record'. I divorced one man and very nearly dumped another at the altar!" Amanda laughed lightly. She shook her head and took a sip of her soda.
"Who was that---Dean?" Lee asked.
"Hey! You finally got his name right," Amanda joked. "Yeah, he had all but gone out and bought the ring."
Lee looked at her and wondered how much he could ask without crossing any boundaries. She hadn't willingly offered up much information on Dean and he didn't want to pry, but something in Amanda's eyes told him she needed to talk about it. "So---you never really did tell me what happened. Did he call the relationship off or did you?"
Amanda laughed disparagingly at herself. "Oh no…it was all me. Mother wouldn't speak to me for three days." She sobered and continued. "It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a very long time. He had stopped by to surprise me the night I was going with you to the party at the Chinese embassy. He saw me all dressed up and wanted to know what I was doing and where I was going."
"I remember that night. When I picked you up you looked somewhere between furious and ready-to-cry," Lee commented.
"Oh---I didn't think you had noticed. Well, I was furious. We got into a bit of a fight, something we had never done before, and he accused me of being involved with someone else. Under the circumstances, it certainly looked that way. We argued a bit more and I finally said if he didn't trust me than our relationship was going nowhere and maybe we needed to re-examine what we both wanted," Amanda finished. She had trimmed some of the story down. Dean had come right out and accused her having an affair with her "new boss" at that film company she was working for. He hadn't wanted to let it drop, so finally Amanda had told him that yes, she was in love with someone else. When she had said it, it was simply a way of putting an end to the argument. He left the house and Amanda had sat down on her sofa. It had begun to dawn on her that maybe she wasn't so far off the mark with that comment. The "furious" part Lee had noticed was Amanda's anger at the whole situation. The "ready-to-cry" part was her realization of how she was beginning to feel towards Lee and the knowledge that there was no "emotional involvement" between them: his words, not hers.
Lee looked at Amanda and sensed there was a lot she wasn't telling him, but he didn't want to push her. "So, how do you know when the right person comes along? What are the signs?" Lee sat back up and traced her hand lightly with his fingers.
Amanda smiled. "Well for one, you won't be able to stop thinking about her. You'll find any excuse to be near her. You won't be able to see yourself with anyone else and other women will hold no interest for you." Amanda found herself looking at his features, his beautiful hazel eyes and dimples as he smiled at her. It would be so easy to tell him everything… "He would be strong, protective, caring…I'd look into his eyes and know he wanted me for who I was." Lee's hand tightened on hers and Amanda plunged ahead. "Whenever I'm near him, it's hard to concentrate. All I can think of is how it would feel to be in his arms, to be kissed by him, to have him love me…," she trailed off.
Lee looked at her. He hadn't missed the change in what she was saying. She had started with putting things in his perspective but had changed to how she would feel. She had finished by talking about "the right one" in the present tense---as if he already existed. She was staring at him and he began to think maybe she was talking about him. He stared at her, trying to work up the courage to say something to her…
He was staring at her. Was that good or bad? Amanda felt herself losing her nerve. He was looking at her the same way he had on the Sacker case when she had started to tell him she loved him. "Lee…..,"
"Can I get you folks anything else?" The waitress appeared at the table and Amanda jumped back. Lee blinked a few times as if he had just awakened from a dream.
"Uh, no thank you," Amanda stammered.
"Okay---well, here's your bill. Have a good day!"
Lee reached for the bill and took his wallet out. "This is my treat, Amanda."
Amanda nodded her thanks but discovered she really couldn't say anything yet. She felt as if fate was conspiring against her. Every time she tried to tell Lee how she felt, she either lost her nerve or was interrupted. Maybe somebody was trying to tell her something.
"Amanda?" Lee's voice broke through.
"What? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention," Amanda replied sheepishly.
"I asked if you were ready to go. We should get ourselves set up ahead of time for the defection," Lee repeated. He frowned at her. "Are you okay? You're awfully distracted."
Amanda took one final sip of her soda and cleared her throat. "Yeah---I'm just a little tired."
They stood up and as Lee paid the bill, Amanda stepped into the ladies' room. She splashed a little water on her face and looked at her reflection in the mirror. "I'm beginning to think this is never going to happen. Maybe I should just give up. I'm so far out of his league anyhow. Can't I just be content with having him in my life as a friend?" Amanda pinched the bridge of her nose and walked out. Lee was waiting at the door for her. He smiled as he held the door open and they walked out to his car.
They drove in companionable silence to the train station: the scheduled place for the defection. Each was wrapped up in their own thoughts and neither felt ready to part without saying something. Lee pulled into a parking space and turned the engine off. Glancing at his watch, he estimated he had twenty minutes before he needed to get into place. He looked at Amanda who was staring out the window at the hustle and bustle of the station. Say it, Stetson. Tell her what you're thinking. Tell her you want to take your relationship to the next level. You're ready---she's ready. You're falling for her---hard. How difficult would it be to tell her….?
Amanda turned and caught Lee staring at her again. She smiled at him and he smiled back. "Lee, I was wondering…since no one will be home tonight, do you want to come over later? I could make us a couple of steaks…," Amanda trailed off, uncertain as to his reaction.
Lee brightened at the suggestion. "That sounds great! I'll stop after the debriefing and pick up a bottle of wine."
Amanda relaxed and also immediately felt nervous. He was coming to her house tonight. Just the two of them: alone. No shop talk. And perhaps the chance to explore their feelings. "That sounds perfect. Joe is coming around 6:30 and Mother is leaving before that. We should have at least until 10:30."
Lee smiled. "Just you and me? Shall we call this a date?"
Amanda felt herself flush red and her face grew hot. "I think that's a good idea."
Lee took her hand and brought it to his lips. Not taking his eyes off hers, he lightly brushed his mouth across her fingers. A shock coursed through Amanda's body as his eyes locked with hers. "Until tonight," Lee whispered and then smiled at her devilishly.
Amanda laughed lightly at his flirting and then handed him the small, long-range microphone and ear piece they would use to keep in touch. "Be careful, Lee. Make sure you keep me up-dated. And you're sure it's safe for you to take a cab back to The Agency?
Lee nodded as he clipped the small microphone on the inside of his jacket collar. "Amanda, this is probably the least dangerous scenarios I've ever seen. Don't worry. And besides…I'll be in contact with you throughout the entire defection. This is a piece of cake."
"I've known easy, 'piece-of-cake' assignments to blow up in our faces before. Just be careful," Amanda reminded him.
"I'm just glad I got an automatic this time around," lee teased, handing her the keys to his baby. Lee opened the car door and got out. "I'll see you later….about 7:00?"
Amanda nodded. "Sounds good. I'll leave your keys on your desk."
Lee zipped is jacket up and winked at her. "I like my steak rare."
"I'll remember that," Amanda laughed. She shook her head and watched his departing figure. Just when things seemed to be going wrong and she was beginning to doubt his feelings for her, he threw her a curve ball. Leave it to Lee to keep her guessing. Her eyes traveled from his silken hair down his back, and came to rest briefly on other attributes he possessed. Amanda felt her face redden at her boldness, but she didn't look immediately away. No one could deny that Lee Stetson was, among many other things, packaged quite nicely.
While Amanda waited patiently, listening for any problems Lee may encounter, her thoughts strayed ahead to their "date" later this evening. What might happen? She was pretty sure that Lee was beginning to feel the same way about her that she felt towards him. Three years ago she doubted Lee would have entertained the notion of anything between himself and a housewife, but she was certainly not that same woman. The old Amanda had been shy and a bit reserved. She had purposely cooled it own with Dean because she had always been a "good girl". Unless there was a ring on her finger, she didn't feel right having a physical relationship with any man. She had only ever been with Joe and that hadn't happened until their wedding night. She had always been a "good girl" and had never once thought about being any other way. Until three years ago.
Amanda laughed silently at the memory of a stake out in her car a few months or so after Lee had come into her life. She had told Lee about her mother's gentle attack on her activities of late. She had accused Amanda of being involved in a clandestine love affair. When she had told Lee about it, he had laughed and said her mother should know her better than that---Amanda wasn't "the type". That had really stung. She had looked at Lee and been irritated.
"I don't know how you can say that. You never can know who might be the type to do what. I mean look at me---I'm not 'the type' to be a spy and…"
Lee looked at her and her breath caught. He was sooo handsome and, if even half of the rumors she heard about him were true, he was an incredible lover. Amanda felt her resolve to be a "good girl" melt away and suddenly she found herself saying something very un-Amanda like.
"Well, you never can tell what someone would do under certain circumstances…" she trailed off and before she knew it, he grabbed her and pulled her to him. Her heart was pounding wildly when he said, ""There's a local patrol passing by. This looks much more natural."
Had it been her imagination or had the normally smooth and cool Lee Stetson sounded ruffled and bothered? She had taken the opportunity to caress his cheek, touch him in a way she had never had the courage to do under normal circumstances. God, his scent had driven her wild. And it was then that Amanda had realized that, given the chance, she would most certainly not be a "good girl" with Lee Stetson.
Amanda's face flushed as she remembered back to that night and other, similar situations she had found herself in. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would give Lee anything he ever asked of her and do it willingly, with no expectations for the future. But just as Amanda was not the same woman she had been three years ago, she knew that neither was Lee the same man he had been. Yes, tonight could be a very interesting first step for them both.
"Amanda---I see Andropov. We're moving now to put the plan into effect. Stand by," Lee's voice came through the receiver Amanda held in her hands.
"I copy," Amanda replied. In her mind, Amanda pictured what was now transpiring. Lee was entering the turnstile that would put him on platform twelve. The Russian scientist was boarding the train on platform eleven. He would walk though the cars and exit through the other side as the train began to pull out. He would then hop on the train Lee was boarding and they would get off at the second stop, just outside of DC. From there they would catch a cab back to The Agency where Lee would take Dr. Andropov to Billy and the debriefing team. It was the perfect set-up; that's why Amanda was worried.
The minutes ticked by slowly and Amanda began to worry. She didn't want to contact Lee in case he was in no place to respond. Just as she was about ready to call Billy, Lee's voice came to her over the headset.
"Okay, Amanda. We're in the clear. We have a cab and we're on our way back to The Agency. I'll see you tonight---around 7:00."
Amanda breathed a sigh of relief. "Gotcha. See you then." Amanda moved into the driver's seat and made her way through the busy downtown streets to The Agency.