Disclaimer~ ok, here we go again…I do not own Final Fantasy VIII or any
of it's characters ::sighs:: nor do I own 'The Newlywed Game' but if either of the two are looking for a
writer…J.
Author's Note~ Yay! I finally got round 3 up and finished! Sorry it took so
long, but my computer was broken *glares at sister*. Anywho, it took me a while
to figure out how to end this. So eventually I figured, no matter how I finish
the story…someone's not gunna be happy so I hope everyone likes it up until the
final winner is announced (and I hope the shippers for the winners like the
ending too J)
The Newlywed
Game:
FF8 style…
About
a billion commercials later…
The
camera pans around the studio audience showing a group of uncharacteristically
still people with the exception of one blonde spikey-haired teenaged boy who
was standing up bouncing around excitedly. He wears a hat that says 'SELPHIE
AND IRVINE 4EVA!' and a big foam finger with 'RINOA AND SQUALL ARE #1!'
written in magic marker. On the front of his shirt was a large picture of
Seifer (with that oh so famous smirk of his) with a giant red circle with a
slash through it over it. The back of the shirt read 'Up with Quistis! Down
with Seifer!' Unnerved, Bahamut motioned for the security people to 'take
care of' the young man. Soon high, girlish yelps were heard from where the
audience was as the camera moved to its position, focusing on the contestants.
"Any of you know that kid?" Bahamut questioned earnestly.
"NO!" The six all answered in unison, denying any
recognition of the enthusiastic boy.
"GUYS! GUYS, ITS' ME-ZELL! I came to...HEY! GET OFF A ME YA
BUNCHA FREAKS! CAN'T YA SEE I'M TALKIN? … I bought all of you guys some
souvenirs ….I SAID GET OFF!!" There was a violent scuffling noise followed by
repetitive thuds, after which each person on stage flinched. "Oh crap…" The
sound of someone running and saying 'excuse me,
pardon me' were barely
audible, then a door slammed and the screeching of tires was heard in the
distance.
"Someone wanna get that guy some ice?" Bahamut then turned
back to the contestants "Who'd of thought that kid could fight like that, huh?"
Irvine pulled his hat down a little to cover some of his face and 'coughed'
(laughed) into his hand. "Alright, round three is a toughie! And to make it
even more difficult for you guys, we've added an extra kick!" Expecting to hear
excited little remarks from the SeeDs onstage Seifer spoke up instead…
"Now why the hell did ya go and do a thing like that?" the
guys in the group seemed to nod in approval while the wives blushed and looked
embarrassed at their male counter parts.
"Well…umm…the producer figured that since you were SeeDs
that it would be a special treat?" Realizing that he was 'the almighty GF
Bahamut', he immediately added "AND! If you want to leave this studio alive,
you'll do as I say!" Squall, who doesn't respond well to threats, glared at the
winged beast and glanced over at Seifer who was doing the same. Luckily, the
fight was avoided by Rinoa and Quistis grabbing onto their arms.
"Ok, for this round, both you and your partners will be able
to stay on stage. To gain points in this level its pretty much the same as the
first two rounds, answer the question correctly! But here's the twist, in order
to win the round, and perhaps game, you have to complete 'The Gauntlet of
Love'!" Suddenly there was a large
shaking on the stage and the wall separating the studio that they were in from
the one next door became, well, no longer in existence. The studio next to the
one they were currently in was the old abandon studio used to host Balamb Gladiators the show. The jaws of everyone witnessing The NewlyWed Game, including the contestant's, all dropped. Set up inside of the
'Gladiator' room was a large obstacle course (complete with large spikey
objects) and there were three set up starting points.
"That's right contestants! You will have to run 'The
Gauntlet of Love' and reach your lovely wives who will be waiting for you
anxiously at the other end!"
"What the #$^&^ does this have to do with how well we
know our wives?!" Squall was less than pleased with the plans for this round.
"Thank you for asking Mr. Leonheart!" Bahamut sneered "You
see, the 'NewlyWed' twist to this round is that before you
can enter the death trap-err…gauntlet, you take a preliminary test. Your wives
answer three questions and then you, the husbands, answer them in the same
manner~"
"Yea, kinda like EVERY OTHER ROUND!!!" Irvine screamed. (He
was a little upset by the idea of having to be separated from Selphie…not to
mention being exposed to the risk of answering a question wrong and ticking her
off again…)
"If you would let me finish cowbo- Mr. Kinneas, I was just
about to say that depending on how many answers you reply to correctly reflects
the difficulty of your path to your wife! The more answers you get correct, the
easier your path! It's that simple!" Squall let out a scoffing sigh and folded
his arms across his chest.
"Wait just a second!" Quistis stood up with her hands on her
hips "We agreed to play The NewlyWed Game! Not Balambican Gladiators!"
"Well," the GF laughed "It appears as though someone didn't
read all the small print on the whole contract before signing!"
Quistis' eyes flashed with anger "Exactly what did the small
print say?"
"Oh just the usual, 'we will not be responsible for any lost
possessions, if we indirectly cause a divorce you can't sue, if the producer so
chooses you will be thrown into a dangerous maze in order to win the game, if
you do not make it to your partner he or she will become property of the
studio, if-'"
"WHAT?!" Squall bellowed
"Well, if you asked for a briefing on the agreement I'm sure
they would have at least hinted to it…"
"Selphie said that we didn't have to read it!" Seifer added.
Quistis, Seifer, Squall, Rinoa, and even Irvine all glared at Selphie
accusingly.
"COME ON!" She retorted while curling up in a little ball
(for safety sake) "I DIDN'T WRITE THE STUPID THING!" Realizing their oversight
the SeeDs turned their hateful stares toward Bahamut and the producer.
"Well, you signed it and
now your souls are mine! Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha!" Bahamut laughed demonically (mothers in the audience felt
compelled to cover the ears of their young children!) Soon the GF realized what
he had just said and immediately halted his evil laughter and straightened his
sports jacket "Umm…sorry about that…" He muttered "Now! Let's get on with the
show shall we?" Pretty frightened by the sounds the GF had emitted the SeeDs
politely sat down without further protest. "Wives, write down your answers on
the cue cards, and husbands, NO PEEKING!" Rinoa Selphie and Quistis picked up
their materials and gave weary looks to their male counterparts. "First
question; If you could change one thing about your wife's body what would it
be?" There was a moment of silence and nervous scribbling (not to mention
subtle attempts by both Irvine and Seifer to try to see what their 'wives' were
writing. "Ok, time's up…Irvine, what did you're wife answer?"
"How am I supposed to know? You wouldn't even let me glance
at what she was writing!" Irvine folded his arms across his chest in a
glowering manner. Selphie nudged him with her elbow and he let out an
exasperated sigh "Umm…I would change her…" After shortly glancing over his
brightly smiling wife he grinned and answered "her hair!" *THWAP* before
anyone knew what had happened Selphie was sitting crossly and the cue card was
on the floor with an Irvine-head sized dent in it, and to confirm suspicions
the cowboy was nursing a newly formed bruise on the top of his noggin.
Bahamut (who never ceases to be amused by Selphie and
Irvine's antics) moved down the line to Squall and Rinoa "Ok, what would you
change about your lovely wife Mr. Leonheart?"
"Her damn dog…stupid
animal thinks my gunblades a (*&% chew-toy!" Squall muttered under his breath.
"What?"
"Nothing…"
Rinoa squealed and flipped over her cue card "That's
correct!" the GF announced. Rinoa bombarded him with kisses and Squall realized
that his 'cover' for his first statement actually matched Rinoa's answer to the
question.
"Now Mr. Almasy, what's your answer?"
"Her over-bearing attitude! She's too uptight!"
Quistis clenched her teeth and flipped over her card which
read 'My
glasses' "What do you mean
over-bearing?! I'll show you over-bearing!" Out of anger and the sheer
frustration of the whole show ordeal Quistis pounced on Seifer (and as a
trained Seed she was going for the jugular!)
"HEY-WHAT THE! Geeze! I never thought I'd say this but-GET
OFF!" Seifer finally wrestled the extremely frazzled instructor off of him.
"See what I have to deal with Bahamut?"
"You cocky S.O.B!" Quistis retaliated "If I had any gray
hairs I'd blame you for them!"
"…what do you mean IF…" Seifer mumbled under his breath. Now
Bahamut was beginning to wonder if it was Seifer who had a death wish.
"Oh no you don't! You actually think you're gunna get away
with that? Your ass is MINE Almasy!" (and so ended the author's 'G' rating of
the fic…)
"Well I thought we already established that by appearing on
the NewlyWed show! But I would say it the other way around!" Quistis and Seifer
continued to fight like, well, and old married couple, while Bahamut managed to
back up and lean over to whisper to the other two couples "How long have they
been married?"
Squall chuckled "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
Although the shows rating were up since the Jerry Springer
twist was added to the show with Quistis and Seifer's fighting, the director
finally made Bahamut break the two up. Well…that didn't really work (Seifer and
Quistis didn't even acknowledge his presence) so two security guys with needles
snuck up behind the couple and injected them with a clear formula. Quistis and
Seifer were startled by the shots and were finally convinced to sit down.
When Bahamut was sure that the risk of team Almasy getting
into a physically brawl was out of the question he continued on with round 3
"Question 2; How would your wife rate your love life from 1-10?" Once again
there was hurried scribbling (and failed attempts at peeking) and Bahamut
approached Irvine "Alright, what's you answer?"
Irvine smiled cockily "Ten!"
Selphie smiled mischievously and flipped over her sign,
facing it toward the camera '7' Instead of
turning red from embarrassment he turned pale white and looked like he was
going to pass out from shock.
Seifer of course could not let an opportunity like this pass
by and had to comment "Heh heh, so the self proclaimed ladies man and
sharpshooter has a little trouble handling his gun in the dark, huh?" Despite
their best efforts Quistis, Rinoa and Squall had to laugh at the comment.
Selphie, being the happy go lucky person she is, felt terrible about putting
her husband up to face that kind of ridicule so she tried to make things
better.
"It's not that!" She shouted "If anything ever goes wrong,
it's only 'cuz he's under a lot of stress lately!" Irvine simply couldn't take
it anymore and just passed out cold from the shock that the discussion was
actually taking place. Selphie immediately crouched down to help him and
Bahamut (who didn't appear to care about poor Irvy) just walked down the line
to Squall.
"So, how would Rinoa rate your love life?"
Squall silently prayed to Hyne that he wouldn't get
embarrassed on television "Ten?"
"ELEVEN!" Rinoa shouted and cuddled up against Squall in a
suffocating hug.
"Umm…since we said out of 1-10 I guess that an eleven counts
the same as a ten, so correct!" Instead of trying to figure out how to pry
Rinoa off of his neck before his oxygen supply ran too low like he usually did
in such situations, Squall smiled and relished in his newly affirmed
'manliness'. "Seifer, looks like your
next! By the way how's that sedative working for ya?" Bahamut questioned.
"I don't know. I don't feel tired or anything." Suddenly
both Quistis and Seifer's eyes widened for a second and the two looked at each
other (and not in the same 'blood-thirsty' way they were earlier) "Actually,"
Seifer continued "now that you mention it I do feel a little different. I'm kind
of …hot…" All the while he was speaking Seifer never looked away from Quistis.
"You bet you are!" She replied to the surprise of everyone
in the studio, and to their even greater surprise the two threw themselves into
each other's arms and began to kiss passionately. Bahamut looked around for an
answer to this phenomenon. The two security guys who 'injected' the Almasys
slapped their foreheads and realized that they had accidentally given the two a
strong aphrodisiac instead of the sedative like they were supposed to.
Bahamut cleared his throat politely to try to get their
attention, and when that didn't work he forced the two apart. "Answers?" He
demanded.
"9" Seifer replied.
Quistis showed her cue card which read '5' but quickly added
"But its much MUCH higher now!" And the two went back to making out (Squall and
Rinoa didn't know how to respond to the situation so they simply pretended like
it wasn't happening).
"Third and final question of the game…wait a sec…has Mr.
Kinneas come to yet?" Selphie smiled and nodded 'yes' as Irvine slowly sat up
and shook his head of the dizziness he felt. "Ok then, the question is; What
word best describes your husband's personality? a) knight b) lone-wolf c) cowboy or d) lapdog?" For
the final time on the show answers were scribbled down and the GF made his way
over to where Irvine was quickly recovering from his faint. "Do I even need to
ask?"
"C) Cowboy! Born and raised!" Selphie confirmed his answer
and (feeling their reputation as the most public displayers of affection being
challenged by the Almasys) the two began to kiss passionately.
"Squall?"
"Squall, why don't we ever do that?" Rinoa whined.
Squall put his head in his hand and monotonously stated "B".
Rinoa confirmed and continued to stare at her husband waiting for an answer.
Giving in, Squall leaned over and whispered something into her ear, from the
look on Rinoa's face the answer was satisfying.
"Alright, Seifer, what did Quistis say?"
"A) Knight!"
Quistis threw her card at Bahamut and triumphantly shouted,
"Get over her lapdog!" And before anyone could say 'what the-' the two were
once again making out.
"Umm…ok let's see how we are heading into 'The Gauntlet of
Love'. OH! I should tell you, the first two rounds don't really matter because
100 points will be awarded to the winner of this next challenge, so basically
who ever wins this will win the game and the dream vacation to the wonderful
vacation spot of BALAMB!"
"WHAT?!" Selphie, Irvine, Squall, Rinoa, Quistis, and Seifer
all screamed simultaneously.
"You do realize that we ARE in Balamb?" Squall demanded.
Bahamut nodded "Then why the (heck) should we even continue with this insane
game?! Give me one good reason!"
"Well, you can quit if you want to … but your wives will
become property of our studio." Squall muttered something that rhymed with
'brass hole' and went back to not talking.
"Anyways," The GF continued "girls, please follow the green
line and stand on your appointed numbers at the exists of the maze, Selphie
you're 1, Rinoa you're 2, and Quistis…Quistis! Will you get off of him for just
a second and listen to me? Geeze, how much of that stuff did you guys give
them?! They're acting like rabbits! Quistis you're number 3 now all you ladies,
head down to your positions." All three girls were very upset (Quistis was more
pissed than upset though) but they still trudged over to their positions and
began praying for the damn show to be over (well, mostly they were praying that
they wouldn't become a permanent addition to the show).
"Alright, Mr. Kinneas you answered 1 of the 3 questions
correctly, so you will have the second to hardest course…please head over to
your starting position at entrance 1. Mr. Leonheart, you answered all of the
questions correctly so you'll be running the easiest course." Squall stood up
with a smug look on his face and headed over to start point 2. "And Mr. Almasy,
you didn't answer ANY of the three questions correctly so you'll be running the
hardest version of the gauntlet, so head over to start point 3." Seifer began
to comply and walked over to the only remaining entrance, mumbling prophanities
under his breath the whole way over. When he reached his spot he point to the
GF and used a form of, sign language shall we say, to inform Bahamut of his
feelings toward his position in the show. (Hey, just cuz he's loaded with a
powerful aphrodisiac doesn't mean he's not going to act like himself.)
"Alright folks out there in the studio audience, we're going
to take a vote!" Seifer, Squall, and Irvine looked at each other curiously "Now!
Do you really want to see the Commander of the great SeeD run the EASIEST
course?"
"NO!" The audience shouted. Squall threw his hands out to
the side in protest.
"What course do you want to see him run?"
"THE HARDEST!" This really got to Squall.
"What the (adjective)?!"
"Hahaha!" Seifer pointed and laughed "That's what you get
for showing off puberty boy!"
"Normally I'd go over there and kick your (butt) Seifer! But
apparently I'm going to need all of my energy to save Rinoa from becoming
property of The NewlyWed Game!" Squall was throwing daggers with his
eyes toward the audience, feeling very singled out.
"Now, now audience!" Bahamut continued with his reign of
terror over the SeeDs' lives "We want to be fair don't we? Should ALL the
contestants run the hardest course?"
"YES!!"
"Umm…excuse me there Bahamut." Irvine spoke up "But…DID ANY
OF THE QUESTION ANSWERING PARTS OF THIS SHOW HAVE ANY RELIVANCE!"
"Well, no not really."
"Then why the heck did we have to do that?" Squall shouted
in support.
"Hey! You have to admit, it was very amusing to watch how
your wives reacted to your answers, especially you Mr. Kinneas!"
"Heh, he does have a point!" Seifer laughed.
"SHUT UP!" Squall and Irvine screamed in unison.
"ARG! I'll kill that
winged moron!!" Annoyed
shouting was heard from the other side of the obstacle course "I'm
a sorceress you freak! I can obliterate this whole (stinking) building if you
piss me off enough!"
"Umm…Rinoa…where did
you get that bracelet?" A
voice which sounded like Selphie asked.
"They gave it to me at
the door. Why?"
"It looks like an Odine
Bangle." Quistis added.
"What! Get it off!!" There were loud crashing sounds, a few
shrieks and grunts of aggravation. Squall was shaking his head with his hand on
his forehead, Irvine was trying to hide his face with his hat, and Seifer was
standing on his tiptoes trying to see what was happening.
"Ahem!" Bahamut cleared his throat to regain everyone's
attention. "As soon as I press this button your obstacles will appear and you
will be able to begin when you hear the buzz…get ready!" The GF hit the button
(and began his manic laughter again). There was a great shake in the foundation
and up through the ground in front of each of the boys shot up a long course
full of jagged walls, a pit of boiling hot oil with only a thin board to use to
walk over it, many razor sharp swinging axes hung down from the ceiling, there
were large machines (which were probably used for crushing large boulders) that
were pounding the ground right in the path, and several sharp pointy objects
were darting in and out of the walls guiding the way to their wives. Everyone's
jaws hit the floor at the sight of this.
BUZZZ!
Squall, Seifer, Irvine flinched at the
sound of the noise and ran full force into the death trap—err 'The Gauntlet of
Love'.
Several cuts bruises and scrapes later…
Squall was leading the pack with Seifer
close behind, but Irvine was still at the start point while Selphie was crying
her eyes out at the finish line and Rinoa trying to comfort her (while still
attempting to pull off the bangle). Suddenly Irvine cursed and walked out of
the view of the camera.
"WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?!" Shouted one
of the security guards off stage "ARE YOU NUTS! AHHHH!!" Irvine soon returned back on camera only
this time he was holding his favorite gun Exeter. (This made pretty much
everyone in a 10 mile radius nervous). Even Squall (who was currently making
his way through the swinging axes) and Seifer (who just made his way across the
hot oil) turn to look at Irvine. Without any warning the cowboy loaded his gun
with pulse ammo, took aim, and shot a giant hole through the first wall. He
smiled contently and stepped right through the newly formed door. He continued
to 'reconstruct' the course through the next 3 walls, and then he came upon the
'hall of daggers' (it basically consisted of spears, knives, and yes, daggers
being thrust in and out of the walls in an attempt to dismember the
contestants. Irvine looked put off for a second but soon his famous smile
graced his face and he shot at the circuit box which immediately put a stop to
all of the movement in the walls. Squall wasn't sure to be glad that Irvine was
making fast progress toward his wife, or really upset that he had to do it the
hard way while the cowboy was just blasting his way through it. Seifer shared
his opinion.
"QUISTIS!" Seifer shouted, "I must get to
you! Do something!"
"Oh Seifer!" The very lustful instructor
shouted back, "I miss you, I want you, I NEED you!" She ran off stage and soon the weapon guarding security guard had
another black eye and the beautiful blonde SeeD ran back to her mark carrying
her whip, Seifer and Squall's gunblades, Selphie's nunchuku, and Rinoa's
blaster edge. The girls were soon armed (and extremely dangerous). All the boys
were neck and neck in the race to the finish. Rinoa decided to take matters
into her own hands however and marched away from her spot over to Bahamut and
the director.
"Hello boys." She greeted them
threateningly. "Do you have ANY idea how hard it was to get Squall to open up
to me?" She was aiming her weapon directly at the director's throat "And the
WEDDING! My HYNE! Do you have any clue how long I waited for that?!" She was
really loosing her self-control, Rinoa turned her aim at the GF. "Give me…the
(adjective)ing little BUTTON!" Not wanting to further agitate Rinoa (whose eyes
were flashing gold) Bahamut quickly forfeited the controller over to her.
"Thank you!" She replied sweetly and jogged back over to her position at exit
2.
When she got back there Irvine was having
a little trouble trying to figure out how to blast his way over a large pit
full of snakes, and Selphie was trying to restrain the hormonally driven
Quistis who was trying to throw herself into the death trap (hey, forget
calling it 'The Gauntlet of Love' we all know what it really is!).
"Squally!" Rinoa cried triumphantly "I've
got it, I've got it!"
"PUSH IT DAMN YOU!" Selphie cried "I can't
hold on to her much longer!"
Rinoa pushed the 'off' button and all of
the obstacles collapsed back to their underground lodgings. Squall fell flat on
his stomach since he had been on top of one of the many walls in the maze when
Rinoa pushed the button, Irvine was stuck clinging for his life on the rope
which was supposed to be used for him to swing over the snake pit, and Seifer
was on his backside after the wall he was holding onto for balance disappeared.
The course soon became a foot race to the finish line!
Squall was running full speed toward Rinoa
and Irvine finally managed to jump down off the rope. Just as Squall was about
to cross the finish line into the open arms of Rinoa, Seifer flew right past
him and tackled Quistis to the ground in a fit of passion (ok, who would your
money be on- the perfectly decent commander, or the lust driven rebel?) Irvine
finished last but was rewarded greatly by Selphie who called him a 'crazy
genius'.
Bahamut stepped in front of the camera
again "And that's our show for today folks! The Almasys pulled off a last
second win!" Paranoid the GF shifted his eyes looking out for a vengeful wife
(mostly the one with sorceress powers of mass destruction). "Umm…join us next
week, when we'll be hosting the show in sunny Trabia! Bubye!" He immediately
ran off stage and the camera once again focused on the SeeDs while the credits
began to roll. Seifer and Quistis…well, they needed someone to spray them with
a hose full of cold water, Squall and Rinoa were wrapped up in each others arms
happily kissing, and Irvine and Selphie…well, they were about the same as
Quistis and Seifer.
The End!
What will happen when the Trepies finally
manage to break back into the studio? Will Quistis kill Seifer when the
aphrodisiac wears off and she sees the tape of the show? Will someone please separate
Irvine and Selphie?! Will I ever stop asking these stupid questions?
***********************************************************************************************
AUTHOR'S NOTE~ Ok, and so ends my first ever Humor fic!
How'd I do? I hope you guys liked it and I hope not too many of you will yell
at me for how it ended, I tried to make as creative (?) as possible! Well, guys
tell me if I did ok on comedy or if I should just stick to drama and stuff like
that!