INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - CHEMISTRY CLASS - DAY
The students file into Bobbi Glass's chem class. HARRISON is about to enter behind APRIL TUNA. April enters, but Harrison stops when he sees Emory approaching.
HARRISON
Oh, hey, Emory I wanted to --
Emory rudely pushes past him, knocking shoulders. Harrison's mouth hangs open, aghast.
HARRISON
-- ask you...something, ooookaaaay....
INSIDE the room, the students rustle about. Harrison sits, puzzled at Emory's attitude.
GEORGE AUSTIN sits in the back and leans towards SAM.
GEORGE
(whispers)
Hey...Sam. Sam.
Sam, in a semi-daze, looks back.
GEORGE
Sam...I can't make it to lunch today...but I
wanna talk to you later, cool?
SAM
Yeah, that's fine.
George gives her a thumbs up.
BROOKE
(to Sam)
Are you and George okay?
SAM
Yeah, we're fine, Brooke, why?
BOBBI GLASS stands behind her chem table.
BOBBI GLASS
Marsha, Jan, can it 'til after class.
(pauses)
Okay my little chia pets...let's
get straight to the point. For almost
two years I've been teaching you --
no, scratch that. For almost two years
I've been nursing ulcers over the fact
that any amount of tutelage in the
sciences will never, ever soak into your
spongy matter, no matter how hard I
try watering your little seedling brains.
I have to sadly -- but at the same odd
paradoxical time gleefully -- admit to you
that you won't be getting your last reports
back to see how badly you screwed up this
time.
The class murmurs with confusion.
BROOKE
(raises hand)
Um, can we ask why, Miss Glass?
BOBBI GLASS
No, you really shouldn't, but I'll take
great pleasure in telling you anyway.
(reaching under her table)
After a long, long night of running the
red ink over all of your papers -- and
in between thoughts of suicide and
serious job reconsideration -- I suddenly
felt a burning urge. And I did.
Miss Glass unloads a crumpled paper bag's ashy contents all over the desk. Gasps ensue.
LILY
You BURNED our papers?!
BOBBI GLASS
And you're all better for it, Miss
Inferno -- Esposito. Truly, you are, for
when the smile crept upon my face while
I watched your illiterate ramblings --
and your grades -- go up in smoke, I
felt a sort of..."purging" of my anger
and decided to just move on.
SAM and BROOKE look at eachother in confusion.
BOBBI GLASS
MOVING ON!
A loud slap on the table snaps the class to attention. Miss Glass takes out two small, shiny, almost identical gold-colored rocks out from the drawer and places them on the mat on the table. She pulls the pointer out of her fingerclaw and points to them.
BOBBI GLASS
Can anyone tell me the difference between
this little guy...and this little guy?
Mary Cherry raises her hand.
BOBBI GLASS
(sighs)
Yes, Cherry.
MARY CHERRY
Um, there is no difference between the
two rocks, Miss Glass, Sir.
(smiles)
BOBBI GLASS
Excuse me?
MARY CHERRY
Wasn't that a trick question?
BOBBI GLASS
No, Cherry, it wasn't.
(looks to the class)
They may look identical, but
I can assure you, they're very
different.
(picks one up)
This shiny, expensive little guy is
pure, 100% 24K gold. Its chemical
symbol is Au on that element chart
that none of you have proven to me
that you've ever seen before. It is
a highly malleable substance, alloyed
with other materials to make anything
from gold leaf to the hideous oversized
jewelry so common among rappers and
pimps.
Mary Cherry's eyes light up. SUGAR DADDY frowns, looking down at his oversized "SUGAR" necklace.
BOBBI GLASS
(picking up the other rock)
THIS, my dears, is pyrite, more commonly
known as Fool's Gold. Though its dollar
value is nowhere near that of its would-be
twin friend here, it has brought many a
joyous afternoon to sulfur miners and
rock collectors. This little substance
is associated with gold and copper, and
its presence may indeed signify that the
real thing isn't too far off.
(puts the rock down, crosses arms)
You see, y'all, along with Miss Cherry
here, made the fatal mistake of accepting
that what you see is the absolute truth,
without investigation. Had Miss Cherry
actually approached and done some tactile
research on these two mineral specimens
instead of relying on her myopic blank
stare, she would have realized the
differentiating characteristics between
real gold...and real crap.
Miss Glass reaches under her desk and pulls out a pile of reports and holds them up -- they're the ones she said she burned! The class is surprised. She walks up the isle and starts handing them back.
BOBBI GLASS
Just as you little faithless urchins
would've realized that the "ashes" I
dumped on the table were nothing more
than a combination of cigarette ash
from various public ashtrays...and
cat litter.
SAM
Um, so what was the point of lying to us
and getting us upset about our reports?
BOBBI GLASS
My point is something that you seem to be
quite adept at, Miss McPherson: If you
are unsure of something, investigate. And,
even if you THINK you're sure of something,
you should still investigate until you're
positive of the truth. Don't be a fool to
jump to conclusions beforehand, as
sometimes outward appearances may be a
trick to what lies beneath...and then the
joke's on you.
INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY
CARMEN walks with BROOKE towards a table where JOSH, LILY, and SAM sit with their lunches. They both spy APRIL TUNA and HARRISON accosting MARY CHERRY in the corner of the room. The three talk...rather intimately. Carmen and Brooke set their trays down.
CARMEN
Now that's something new.
SAM
What?
CARMEN
Mary Cherry is actually allowing
herself to talk to April Tuna.
SAM
Ooo, in such a public place? Funny,
I don't see any pigs flying by the
windows.
BROOKE
Come on guys...April *is*, afterall,
our official choreographer now.
CARMEN
Still, this is Mary Cherry we're
talking about.
BROOKE
Besides, Harrison's over there, too.
LILY
Maybe April finally *did* get her
menage.
SAM
Oh, now THAT was TMI, guys.
CARMEN
"TMI?"
SAM
Too much information!
CARMEN
No...no way. Mary Cherry, April,
and Harrison ? That is so Jerry
Springer, Jenny Jones, AND Sally
Jesse rolled into one.
LILY
Speaking of Harrison, Sam -- are you
guys still not speaking to eachother?
Before Sam can answer, Mary Cherry reaches the table, waving.
MARY CHERRY
Hi boys and girls! Sorry to keep you
waitin' Brookie, Carmine, but I can't
stay anyway -- I gotta tarot reading
with the Great Mystique, "Fortune
Teller to the Stars" at 2.
CARMEN
Mary Cherry, what was that over there
with you and April Tuna?
MARY CHERRY
(flippantly serious)
Carm...I could tell you, but then I'd
have to kill you.
Carmen looks frightened. Mary Cherry then laughs hysterically, but no one's sure if she really means it.
MARY CHERRY
Just kidding! Oh come now, Carmen,
you should know by now that if I were
gonna kill someone I'd have already
have myself equipped with the latest
infra-red sniper technology.
All of a sudden, a catalog drops from her pile of books onto the table. The title page reads "SNIPERS R US". Mary Cherry scoops up the catalog and stuffs it in her bag.
MARY CHERRY
Oops...I keep tellin' myself to get RID
of all of that junk mail that's in my
locker!
(turns to leave, but turns back)
Oh! I almost forgot. Lil' Lily. I
have a proposition for you.
LILY
I'm not...really...interested in your
subversive homicidal practices, Mary
Cherry.
MARY CHERRY
Oh, I guarantee that you will be richly
rewarded.
She leans and whispers in Lily's ear. Lily's expression turns from doubt to a smile.
LILY
(hopeful)
Oooooh. Well, I guess that sounds --
Mary Cherry holds a finger to her lips as Lily's expression fades.
LILY
(curt, secretive)
-- uh, yeah, sure, Mary Cherry.
JOSH
What -- where you goin', Lil?
LILY
To make someone very, very happy.
MARY CHERRY
Come along, Tiny Dancer...time to show
me what you can do!
As Lily gathers her stuff, April appears.
TUNA
Well? Did you successfully recruit
Miss Lily Esposito into joining us?
MARY CHERRY
(smiles widely)
Affirmative!
TUNA
The invitation is extended to your
significant other, JOSH FORD, also,
Miss Lily E.
JOSH
Uh, I think I'll pass.
LILY
Josh, just come along, you'll see.
Josh hesitantly picks up his stuff. Sam makes a whipping gesture that Josh doesn't see to Lily -- Lily scowls.
TUNA
Carmen Ferrara...you too are invited
to join us in our extracurricular
activities.
CARMEN
Uh, no, uh, umm, uh-uh, no thanks,
I think I'll pass.
April looks to Brooke and Sam.
SAM
Don't even ask, April, we're not
interested in whatever it is that
no one's talking about.
TUNA
Suit yourself, party poops. Me and
my newly formed entourage are gonna
have a great time.
(looks to Carmen again)
I'll get you sooner than later, Carmen
Ferrara.
April leaves with Mary Cherry, Lily, and Josh. Brooke, Sam, and Carmen burst into giggles.
EMORY enters the lunchroom and spots Harrison sitting with Sugar Daddy a few tables away from the girls. Emory starts towards them. He remembers what Miss Glass said in class.
EMORY
(to himself)
Investigate...be positive of the truth...
don't jump to conclusions.
He reaches the table and glares down at Harrison.
SUGAR DADDY
Hey there, Dick. How goes life with
the Tuna?
EMORY
Typical of a day in the life of Hillary
Clinton, Mr. Daddy.
HARRISON
Whoa, whoa -- what's wrong, Emory?
Trouble in paradise?
EMORY
I don't know -- you tell me, my
suppos'ed friend.
HARRISON
Huh? What're you talking ab --
EMORY
Oh, you know what I'm talking about,
Mr. Harrison Don Juan, Mr. American
Gigolo, Mr. ...Alexander Hamilton!
He takes out a white glove from his pocket and slaps Harrison across the face with it; Sugar's mouth drops open.
HARRISON
(cupping his cheek)
What the hell was THAT for???
EMORY
Consider yourself challenged!
SUGAR DADDY
Whoa, chill, dude!
EMORY
I will not "chill DUDE". As I will
not...I will not be taken for a fool!
Friday, by the remains of the Forever
Tree. Be there, or I will hunt your
best friend backstabbing derriere down!
He storms off as Harrison still holds his cheek.
HARRISON
(wide-eyed)
Okay, what just happened here?
SUGAR DADDY
Duuude -- I think he just challenged
you to a duel!
BACK to the girls. They watch Harrison from across the room, as they'd witnessed the whole thing between him and Emory. Carmen's jaw is still dropped.
CARMEN
Oh...my God. Did you SEE what just
happened?
BROOKE
What's up with Emory?
SAM
I wouldn't know.
BROOKE
Just as you wouldn't know what's
going on with Harrison, right?
Sam remains silent.
BROOKE
Sam -- when was the last time you
guys spoke?
SAM
I don't wanna talk about it --
BROOKE
It was the day of Tuna's Memorial,
wasn't it?
Sam remains silent.
BROOKE
I knew it. Come on, you guys can't
go on like this.
CARMEN
Brooke's right, Sam. A best friend
is a best friend and if I thought I
couldn't talk to my best friend like,
ever again, I'd probably snap and end
up insane like Mary Cherry and try to
kill someone.
SAM
You guys, stop trying to convince me
that if I talk to Harrison everything
that was said and done is just going
to vanish into a big puff of smoke!
It's...just...too frustrating --
BROOKE
Have you even talked to George about
this?
Sam shakes her head.
BROOKE
Look, I realize I haven't been around
much...Nic's been going through a very
hard time now, but...you should at least
talk to George about it. And if you
can't...then I think you need to ask
yourself what is keeping you from talking
about it.
Sam scoops up her stuff.
BROOKE
Where are you going?
SAM
I've got to find George.
Brooke and Carmen watch Sam rush off.
BROOKE
Sorry you had to see that.
CARMEN
No problem, let's just not dwell on
Sam's drama. Hey, speaking of
drama...where's Nicole?
EXT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - SMOKING LOUNGE - DAY
PAN over a bunch of smoking students -- some are clearly newbies as they choke on their cigarettes. Some just look like skanky smoker fiends. A little ways past the bulk of the students, NICOLE sits on the cement bench as SHAGGY LOUISE GROUT, her mother, stands against the brick wall, smoking.
NICOLE
Just tell me again.
SHAGGY
It's nothing new, Nicole. There was
nothing special about the whole thing.
I was really, really drunk...I just
knew that I was in love...or at least
I thought I was. I was just very naive.
NICOLE
Aren't we all.
SHAGGY
I don't even remember his name. He was
handsome...to me, at least. You kinda look
like him...butcha got my nose.
NICOLE
Do you know what happened to him?
SHAGGY
I dunno...I just remember him bein' such a
dreamer...as well as a dreamboat.
(laughs, then switches tone)
I just know that I didn't have any idea what
kind of mother I'd make.
NICOLE
You couldn't have at least tried?
SHAGGY
Would you like to try at your age?
Didn't think so. I'm...I'm sorry, Nicole.
I wanted for you what any caring mother
wants for their beautiful baby girl: a good life.
Looks like you got it.
NICOLE
If you consider a father who never
visits and a mother who doesn't
care about anything but her public
image a good life.
SHAGGY
Nicole --
NICOLE
No, it's my turn to tell you what I
wanted. All I ever wanted was to feel
loved. The only person who I feel
ever loved me is dead. I may have
every little material thing that you
don't have, but it's not the same as
having...as having someone who cares.
SHAGGY
But I did care -- I do care about you,
Nicole.
NICOLE
And yet you didn't care enough to ever
come looking for me.
SHAGGY
You'd be surprised at how much I really
do care. But do I look like I'm well
off enough to have even considered coming
to see you? You're...you'd be wrong if
you thought that I never once wondered
"what if". But...if only you knew what
it was to be me.
NICOLE
Well, there's always a start.
SHAGGY
What do you mean?
INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
BROOKE
WHAT??? You can't just do that,
Nicole.
BROOKE eyes are wide. NICOLE nonchalantly switches books in her locker.
NICOLE
Oh yes I can.
SAM, out of breath, catches Brooke at Nicole's locker.
SAM
Hey guys, Brooke -- have you seen
George?
NICOLE
Oh hey Spam, your're just in time
for the good news.
BROOKE
Nicole --
SAM
What's going on?
Brooke shakes her head.
NICOLE
Well, since I've apparently stricken
Brookie here speechless, I guess I'll
be the one to inform you that I'm
moving in with my birth mother. I
expected a much happier reaction
from Brookie here, but I guess that
she too is not immune to passing
judgment on the fact that my mother
turned out to be a trailer trash lunch
hag. Yes, congrats, Spam -- you're
the second to know that Nicole Julian
is going back to where she came from.
She slams her locker shut and struts off angrily, leaving Sam completely floored and Brooke looking concerned.
END OF ACT 1