Chapter Four: Close Encounters
Duncan screamed and woke up in a sweat after yet another nightmare. Unfortunately, he could remember it still clearly. He'd been sparing with Methos when suddenly the Old Man ran off after they'd both felt the buzz. Chasing after Methos, Duncan found him fighting Richie. He called to them to stop, he screamed at them, but they didn't listen. Joe was also watching, mouth open, agast. It was like he was unable to move and stop them either. The fight seemed to go forever, it was the longest and most gruesome fight Duncan had ever watched, and he was powerless to do anything but stand and watch. Suddenly both men were on the ground, helpless. Then Duncan watched terrified as both Methos and Richie dragged their swords towards each other's necks. Duncan, now able to move, knew they would both die if he did't do something, but who could he stop, who should he help? He crawled behind Methos, attempting to disarm him, knowing he had to help his student. He couldn't let Richie die, no matter what, even if he broke the rules. The scene changed, then, and it was him fighting with Richie. He couldn't stop himself. He disarmed Richie, willing himself to stop. Then, as he took his student's head, Richie became Methos again, and Duncan beheaded him. But it was Richie's screams of death he heard as he took Methos' quickening. Richie appeared behind him, and Duncan sighed in relief that the boy was safe. But when Richie spoke, it was in Methos' voice. "You killed me Mac", it said, over and over again. Still repeating the dreadful phrase, Richie slowly took on charactistics of Methos, so that as Duncan watched, screaming, the character became a kind of Richie/Methos hybrid. With the words of "You killed me Mac", and his own screams still ringing through his head, Duncan woke up. The screams remained.
"Just a dream, just a dream!" Duncan told himself. He hadn't really killed Richie or Methos, and everything was alright with the world. But then he remembered. It was real. Richie was dead, and Duncan had been unable to protect him. Duncan almost wished he'd never woken up.
Knowing that he wouldn't get any more sleep that night, Duncan slumped himself in front of the TV, watching some late-night mind-numbing talk show that Richie used to talk about all the time. It served it's purpose and Duncan found that if he was lucky, he only thought about Richie every ten minutes now, instead of five. He was almost half-asleep again when he felt the buzz. Oh, God, not now, he thought. He hadn't been practising since...since that day. It hurt too much, knowing Richie should have been there for him to spar with. Now, typically, some Immortal had probably come looking for his head, and this time, they'd probably get it. Especially as Duncan wasn't really sure if he wanted to keep it, when all he could do was think of Richie. He felt terrible. He hadn't been able to work, to sleep, to eat, nothing. He hadn't felt this bad since Tessa, and that took a long while to get over. In fact, he still wasn't sure if he was really over it. However, at least then, he'd had Richie to care for. His sense of honour hadn't let him desert the boy for too long. Now, though, he had nothing and no-one. He vaguely thought of Joe, but realised that even if he did want to see Joe, the Watcher probably wouldn't want to see him. He'd run off, leaving Joe to confront Methos. The Watcher would probably never want to see either of them again.
With a start Duncan realised that the knocking on his door, the Immortal, was growing more and more insistant. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was still only 4 o'clock in the morning. Who would come visiting at this hour. As he turned the locks Duncan realised he knew exactly who it would be...
In front of him stood the last person he wanted to see.
"Methos. What do you want?! I told you I never wanted to see you again!" he glared.
"I know, but I had to come. Take my head if you want, but hear me out first. Can I come in, please?" he older man asked, uncharactistically somber, polite, and humble-sounding.
Duncan shrugged. Methos came in.
"Why bother even asking. You always do exactly what you want", Duncan commented, not looking at the other man.
"MacLeod, I know you're hurting, but I'm worried about Joe. He's in a really bad state. He's not used to this."
" 'Used to this'?! And you think I am. Do you think anyone ever gets used to losing loved ones. Well, I know I don't. Maybe you're used to it. You've lost enough people to get callous about it. I thought you hurt when Alexa died, I felt for you, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was an act, like so many things with you. Maybe you just thought, 'oh well, there goes another one'!"
"You...You don't ever talk about Alexa that way! Ever! You hear me MacLeod. Think what you want about me but I loved that woman!" Methos shouted. Duncan just stared past him, seemingly unimpressed. He couldn't look at him, knowing that the other man had been responsible for Richie's death. But he couldn't let the other man know that. He wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Methos however, was a better judge of people than he sometimes let on. He could see the tension in the Scot's eyes, could see how loosely he was keeping it together, especially in front of him. The cold indifference and the tension cut him to the quick. It seemed that both Joe and Duncan had given up.
"OK MacLeod. I know you don't want to see me, I don't blame you. But, seriously, go to Joe. You two..you two need to help each other."
"Why. Why would Joe want to see me?"
"MacLeod, it wasn't Joe's fault. You can't blame him, keep away from him."
" 'Joe's fault'. Of course it wasn't Joe's fault. It's my fault. I should have been there, protected Richie!"
"Oh, Mac. It wasn't any more your fault than it was Joe's. And, no-one could have stopped him."
"Mac, we all have regrets. I deeply regret with happened. But, you can't let them ruin your life. You have to mourne Richie, remember the good times you had, and move on. I'm not saying forget him, I'm not saying don't feel bad he's gone. But, for Gods sake Macleod, please don't destroy your life as well, and don't let Joe destroy his. You know this isn't what Richie would have wanted!"
Duncan turned to look Methos in the face, for the first time since he'd walked through the door.
"Joe's drinking again?" Methos just nodded.
"He needs your help, MacLeod. He won't listen to me."
He could see Mac stuggle with this internal dilemma, his sense of honour calling to him as it had so many times before. Methos hoped that it would be this that got through to the Highlander. Duncan struggled, and Methos lost. Duncan turned away from the other man.
"Get Mike to help him. He doesn't need me. He's better off without me in his life. Mortals shouldn't interfere, and I've cost him yet another friend." The indifference and guilt-filled brooding was back. Methos hated seeing Duncan like this, even the Scot's full blown anger was better than this. If someone came after his head now, Duncan would willingly give it, and Methos couldn't let that happen.
"Mac. Please?"
Methos begging almost shocked Duncan out of his cloud of indifference and depression. Almost, but not quite.
"Methos, what do you want? You claim you want to hide to survive and yet at every opportunity, here you are sticking your nose in. Why should I believe what you say anyway, isn't this just another grand plan of yours? If it wasn't for you, life would be much simplier, and Richie would still be alive. So, please, do me a favour and just leave me alone." Duncan said quietly.
"That hurts Duncan, but I'll leave. It's true, you know, life would be simplier, simplier for me if I stayed away from you. But it would also be a lot less fun, and a lot more boring. It wouldn't be a life, and as someone taught me recently, what's the point of being alive and just surviving. You and Joe are both just surviving, and if someone comes after your head now, Mac, I know you won't even want to try and beat them."
"Why do you care? In fact, why don't you just take my head now? Wouldn't that be the easiest thing. At least then, I won't have to live like this!"
"Mac, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be, you just lost your student. You can't destroy yourself though. It isn't what Richie would have wanted, it isn't what I want, and it isn't what you really want."
"Isn't it?"
"No! Dammit Duncan, give me a chance here. I want to help you. Now, listen to me, look at me..."
"I, I can't. It hurts too much."
Methos grapped Duncan's arm with one hand and his chin with the other, forced him to look directly at him. Methos could see he was almost at breaking point. Maybe he just needed a push over the edge...
Methos fixed his gaze on Duncan's eyes, troubled-filled and not a little frightened. Dark orbs gazed into hazel ones, also sad but with an inner strength and wisdom. What little control Duncan now had left slowly crumbled. He sagged against Methos and the older man lowered them both to the floor as tears gathered in the Highlander's eyes. Methos had one arm around Duncan as he comforted the trembling man.
"It..it just hurts so much. I..I can't live like this Methos, I..I can't." It hurt Methos to see his friend so hurt and weak, but knew anything was better than the cold, isolating indifference he'd shown earlier.
"Duncan. You will heal. Give it time. I'm here for you."
"How can you do this time and time again? Love someone and watch them go? I..I thought Richie would be here for years yet. He was so young. He didn't deserve to go so young..."
"No-one does. It was the game. But also something more. Something made Richie attack me that day. It isn't fair I know. Life is not fair."
"I...I know. But, I needed to blame someone. I still do, I guess. if I had kept an eye on him, though..."
"Mac, stop, please. Let him go. I don't know how I do it, but I do. I guess that's just what life's all about."
"5000 years and that's your conclusion on the meaning of life?" Duncan smiled slightly.
"Well, it's better than saying the meaning of life is to cut off other people's heads to win some prize."
"It is though, isn't it. We just can't avoid it."
"No, and Richie was doing what he thought he had to do."
"There was so much more I wanted to teach him, to show him. Does the hurt ever go, do you think? This is even worse than Tessa, and I didn't think anything could be as bad as losing her."
Duncan seemed to be gaining some strength again after his collapse and Methos was glad his friend was talking about his feelings. At least he wasn't about to cut off his head, either.
"Methos, thanks for being here. I...I sorry I said I didn't want to see you again...."
Methos, still emotional after Duncan's outburst, just smiled.
"I'll always be here, Duncan", he whispered.
"What?"
"I, er, you're my friend Mac, and I do care for you."
"Oh." Duncan replied, his thoughts back on Richie. He knew he couldn't give up. Methos was right, it wasn't what Richie would have wanted. But, how he could he live without his student, his best friend. And, how could he cope with Methos in his life, knowing he had Richie's quickening. The past month had been agonizing, and the only thing he knew was that Richie would never have willingly attacked 'Adam' and that Methos wouldn't have willingly taken Richie's head. He and the old man had been through too much for that - dark quickenings, Alexa... It didn't stop it hurting though.
He sighed and turned to look at the man sitting next to him, his arm still casually drapped around Duncan's shoulders. He looked a million miles away.
Methos suddenly noticed Duncan staring at him and turned to meet his gaze. Duncan's gaze dropped again.
"Mac..?" he queried.
"I know you're right. I can't give up. It's not fair on Richie, or on Joe. I realise that now. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to look at you and not remember."
"So, don't look, just listen", replied Methos, "Close your eyes."
"Huh?"
"I mean it, just close your eyes."
"Oh, well.." But he did.
"Trust me Macleod."
"Never, Old Man." Methos smiled. The last thing he wanted was to lose Duncan's friendship because the other man couldn't accept his past actions. Gods knew, they'd had enough lies and deception between them already. if Duncan ever found out what else Methos had done in his past. Being forced to kill a young one was nothing...
"Methos, you still there?"
"Yes, Mac. Just thinking."
"So, tell me, how did you begin to get on with your life when you lost a wife or a child."
"Well, at least with a mortal you know they're not going to be around forever. You know you'll lose them someday. Of course it still hurts like crazy, but unconsciously you're prepared. With Immortals you never know. Maybe that's why you're finding it so much harder to get over Richie's death than Tessa's", 'That and the fact that he's not completely gone', Methos thought to himself, grimly.
"Is that why you only had mortal wives?"
"Maybe I just haven't met the right Immortal yet".
Methos sounded a million miles again, and Duncan opened his eyes, to find the other man's face just inches from his own, staring at him intently.
Duncan gazed into Methos' eyes, almost drowning, mesmerised by the other man's closeness.
Methos slowly closed the gap between their faces, bringing their lips together, and finally acknowledging his unspoken need for Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod.
Duncan melted into the kiss, acknowledging the soft lips, the tender eyes. Without his brain really reacting, he responded gently.
"Mmm, Methos...Methos...No!" he murmmered. Duncan broke away.
"Oh, God, no! No, I can't do this!"
Turning away again, Duncan refused to look at Methos.
Methos looked sadly at the other man.
"Mac, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"Just leave!"
Methos left, knowing now that he was in love with Duncan MacLeod, but that the Highlander would never even consider loving him whilst he still blamed him for the death of his almost-son Richie Ryan.
Duncan screamed and woke up in a sweat after yet another nightmare. Unfortunately, he could remember it still clearly. He'd been sparing with Methos when suddenly the Old Man ran off after they'd both felt the buzz. Chasing after Methos, Duncan found him fighting Richie. He called to them to stop, he screamed at them, but they didn't listen. Joe was also watching, mouth open, agast. It was like he was unable to move and stop them either. The fight seemed to go forever, it was the longest and most gruesome fight Duncan had ever watched, and he was powerless to do anything but stand and watch. Suddenly both men were on the ground, helpless. Then Duncan watched terrified as both Methos and Richie dragged their swords towards each other's necks. Duncan, now able to move, knew they would both die if he did't do something, but who could he stop, who should he help? He crawled behind Methos, attempting to disarm him, knowing he had to help his student. He couldn't let Richie die, no matter what, even if he broke the rules. The scene changed, then, and it was him fighting with Richie. He couldn't stop himself. He disarmed Richie, willing himself to stop. Then, as he took his student's head, Richie became Methos again, and Duncan beheaded him. But it was Richie's screams of death he heard as he took Methos' quickening. Richie appeared behind him, and Duncan sighed in relief that the boy was safe. But when Richie spoke, it was in Methos' voice. "You killed me Mac", it said, over and over again. Still repeating the dreadful phrase, Richie slowly took on charactistics of Methos, so that as Duncan watched, screaming, the character became a kind of Richie/Methos hybrid. With the words of "You killed me Mac", and his own screams still ringing through his head, Duncan woke up. The screams remained.
"Just a dream, just a dream!" Duncan told himself. He hadn't really killed Richie or Methos, and everything was alright with the world. But then he remembered. It was real. Richie was dead, and Duncan had been unable to protect him. Duncan almost wished he'd never woken up.
Knowing that he wouldn't get any more sleep that night, Duncan slumped himself in front of the TV, watching some late-night mind-numbing talk show that Richie used to talk about all the time. It served it's purpose and Duncan found that if he was lucky, he only thought about Richie every ten minutes now, instead of five. He was almost half-asleep again when he felt the buzz. Oh, God, not now, he thought. He hadn't been practising since...since that day. It hurt too much, knowing Richie should have been there for him to spar with. Now, typically, some Immortal had probably come looking for his head, and this time, they'd probably get it. Especially as Duncan wasn't really sure if he wanted to keep it, when all he could do was think of Richie. He felt terrible. He hadn't been able to work, to sleep, to eat, nothing. He hadn't felt this bad since Tessa, and that took a long while to get over. In fact, he still wasn't sure if he was really over it. However, at least then, he'd had Richie to care for. His sense of honour hadn't let him desert the boy for too long. Now, though, he had nothing and no-one. He vaguely thought of Joe, but realised that even if he did want to see Joe, the Watcher probably wouldn't want to see him. He'd run off, leaving Joe to confront Methos. The Watcher would probably never want to see either of them again.
With a start Duncan realised that the knocking on his door, the Immortal, was growing more and more insistant. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was still only 4 o'clock in the morning. Who would come visiting at this hour. As he turned the locks Duncan realised he knew exactly who it would be...
In front of him stood the last person he wanted to see.
"Methos. What do you want?! I told you I never wanted to see you again!" he glared.
"I know, but I had to come. Take my head if you want, but hear me out first. Can I come in, please?" he older man asked, uncharactistically somber, polite, and humble-sounding.
Duncan shrugged. Methos came in.
"Why bother even asking. You always do exactly what you want", Duncan commented, not looking at the other man.
"MacLeod, I know you're hurting, but I'm worried about Joe. He's in a really bad state. He's not used to this."
" 'Used to this'?! And you think I am. Do you think anyone ever gets used to losing loved ones. Well, I know I don't. Maybe you're used to it. You've lost enough people to get callous about it. I thought you hurt when Alexa died, I felt for you, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was an act, like so many things with you. Maybe you just thought, 'oh well, there goes another one'!"
"You...You don't ever talk about Alexa that way! Ever! You hear me MacLeod. Think what you want about me but I loved that woman!" Methos shouted. Duncan just stared past him, seemingly unimpressed. He couldn't look at him, knowing that the other man had been responsible for Richie's death. But he couldn't let the other man know that. He wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Methos however, was a better judge of people than he sometimes let on. He could see the tension in the Scot's eyes, could see how loosely he was keeping it together, especially in front of him. The cold indifference and the tension cut him to the quick. It seemed that both Joe and Duncan had given up.
"OK MacLeod. I know you don't want to see me, I don't blame you. But, seriously, go to Joe. You two..you two need to help each other."
"Why. Why would Joe want to see me?"
"MacLeod, it wasn't Joe's fault. You can't blame him, keep away from him."
" 'Joe's fault'. Of course it wasn't Joe's fault. It's my fault. I should have been there, protected Richie!"
"Oh, Mac. It wasn't any more your fault than it was Joe's. And, no-one could have stopped him."
"Mac, we all have regrets. I deeply regret with happened. But, you can't let them ruin your life. You have to mourne Richie, remember the good times you had, and move on. I'm not saying forget him, I'm not saying don't feel bad he's gone. But, for Gods sake Macleod, please don't destroy your life as well, and don't let Joe destroy his. You know this isn't what Richie would have wanted!"
Duncan turned to look Methos in the face, for the first time since he'd walked through the door.
"Joe's drinking again?" Methos just nodded.
"He needs your help, MacLeod. He won't listen to me."
He could see Mac stuggle with this internal dilemma, his sense of honour calling to him as it had so many times before. Methos hoped that it would be this that got through to the Highlander. Duncan struggled, and Methos lost. Duncan turned away from the other man.
"Get Mike to help him. He doesn't need me. He's better off without me in his life. Mortals shouldn't interfere, and I've cost him yet another friend." The indifference and guilt-filled brooding was back. Methos hated seeing Duncan like this, even the Scot's full blown anger was better than this. If someone came after his head now, Duncan would willingly give it, and Methos couldn't let that happen.
"Mac. Please?"
Methos begging almost shocked Duncan out of his cloud of indifference and depression. Almost, but not quite.
"Methos, what do you want? You claim you want to hide to survive and yet at every opportunity, here you are sticking your nose in. Why should I believe what you say anyway, isn't this just another grand plan of yours? If it wasn't for you, life would be much simplier, and Richie would still be alive. So, please, do me a favour and just leave me alone." Duncan said quietly.
"That hurts Duncan, but I'll leave. It's true, you know, life would be simplier, simplier for me if I stayed away from you. But it would also be a lot less fun, and a lot more boring. It wouldn't be a life, and as someone taught me recently, what's the point of being alive and just surviving. You and Joe are both just surviving, and if someone comes after your head now, Mac, I know you won't even want to try and beat them."
"Why do you care? In fact, why don't you just take my head now? Wouldn't that be the easiest thing. At least then, I won't have to live like this!"
"Mac, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be, you just lost your student. You can't destroy yourself though. It isn't what Richie would have wanted, it isn't what I want, and it isn't what you really want."
"Isn't it?"
"No! Dammit Duncan, give me a chance here. I want to help you. Now, listen to me, look at me..."
"I, I can't. It hurts too much."
Methos grapped Duncan's arm with one hand and his chin with the other, forced him to look directly at him. Methos could see he was almost at breaking point. Maybe he just needed a push over the edge...
Methos fixed his gaze on Duncan's eyes, troubled-filled and not a little frightened. Dark orbs gazed into hazel ones, also sad but with an inner strength and wisdom. What little control Duncan now had left slowly crumbled. He sagged against Methos and the older man lowered them both to the floor as tears gathered in the Highlander's eyes. Methos had one arm around Duncan as he comforted the trembling man.
"It..it just hurts so much. I..I can't live like this Methos, I..I can't." It hurt Methos to see his friend so hurt and weak, but knew anything was better than the cold, isolating indifference he'd shown earlier.
"Duncan. You will heal. Give it time. I'm here for you."
"How can you do this time and time again? Love someone and watch them go? I..I thought Richie would be here for years yet. He was so young. He didn't deserve to go so young..."
"No-one does. It was the game. But also something more. Something made Richie attack me that day. It isn't fair I know. Life is not fair."
"I...I know. But, I needed to blame someone. I still do, I guess. if I had kept an eye on him, though..."
"Mac, stop, please. Let him go. I don't know how I do it, but I do. I guess that's just what life's all about."
"5000 years and that's your conclusion on the meaning of life?" Duncan smiled slightly.
"Well, it's better than saying the meaning of life is to cut off other people's heads to win some prize."
"It is though, isn't it. We just can't avoid it."
"No, and Richie was doing what he thought he had to do."
"There was so much more I wanted to teach him, to show him. Does the hurt ever go, do you think? This is even worse than Tessa, and I didn't think anything could be as bad as losing her."
Duncan seemed to be gaining some strength again after his collapse and Methos was glad his friend was talking about his feelings. At least he wasn't about to cut off his head, either.
"Methos, thanks for being here. I...I sorry I said I didn't want to see you again...."
Methos, still emotional after Duncan's outburst, just smiled.
"I'll always be here, Duncan", he whispered.
"What?"
"I, er, you're my friend Mac, and I do care for you."
"Oh." Duncan replied, his thoughts back on Richie. He knew he couldn't give up. Methos was right, it wasn't what Richie would have wanted. But, how he could he live without his student, his best friend. And, how could he cope with Methos in his life, knowing he had Richie's quickening. The past month had been agonizing, and the only thing he knew was that Richie would never have willingly attacked 'Adam' and that Methos wouldn't have willingly taken Richie's head. He and the old man had been through too much for that - dark quickenings, Alexa... It didn't stop it hurting though.
He sighed and turned to look at the man sitting next to him, his arm still casually drapped around Duncan's shoulders. He looked a million miles away.
Methos suddenly noticed Duncan staring at him and turned to meet his gaze. Duncan's gaze dropped again.
"Mac..?" he queried.
"I know you're right. I can't give up. It's not fair on Richie, or on Joe. I realise that now. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to look at you and not remember."
"So, don't look, just listen", replied Methos, "Close your eyes."
"Huh?"
"I mean it, just close your eyes."
"Oh, well.." But he did.
"Trust me Macleod."
"Never, Old Man." Methos smiled. The last thing he wanted was to lose Duncan's friendship because the other man couldn't accept his past actions. Gods knew, they'd had enough lies and deception between them already. if Duncan ever found out what else Methos had done in his past. Being forced to kill a young one was nothing...
"Methos, you still there?"
"Yes, Mac. Just thinking."
"So, tell me, how did you begin to get on with your life when you lost a wife or a child."
"Well, at least with a mortal you know they're not going to be around forever. You know you'll lose them someday. Of course it still hurts like crazy, but unconsciously you're prepared. With Immortals you never know. Maybe that's why you're finding it so much harder to get over Richie's death than Tessa's", 'That and the fact that he's not completely gone', Methos thought to himself, grimly.
"Is that why you only had mortal wives?"
"Maybe I just haven't met the right Immortal yet".
Methos sounded a million miles again, and Duncan opened his eyes, to find the other man's face just inches from his own, staring at him intently.
Duncan gazed into Methos' eyes, almost drowning, mesmerised by the other man's closeness.
Methos slowly closed the gap between their faces, bringing their lips together, and finally acknowledging his unspoken need for Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod.
Duncan melted into the kiss, acknowledging the soft lips, the tender eyes. Without his brain really reacting, he responded gently.
"Mmm, Methos...Methos...No!" he murmmered. Duncan broke away.
"Oh, God, no! No, I can't do this!"
Turning away again, Duncan refused to look at Methos.
Methos looked sadly at the other man.
"Mac, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"Just leave!"
Methos left, knowing now that he was in love with Duncan MacLeod, but that the Highlander would never even consider loving him whilst he still blamed him for the death of his almost-son Richie Ryan.