BLACK SCREEN.
EMORY'S VOICE
(overly dramatic)
John. John, can...you...hear me?
TUNA'S VOICE
I believe he is waking up, Sir.
Slowly, HARRISON'S EYES flutter open.
EXT. SOME DISTANT PLANET - UNKNOWN TIME OF DAY
HARRISON sees EMORY, TUNA, and BROOKE looming over him, as he is lying on the ground. All of them are wearing Classic Star Trek uniforms -- the sky is red.
EMORY
Bones! Conduct a full body
scan on Mr. John.
Brooke looks at him with disdain.
EMORY
What?
BROOKE
You know I don't like being called
that.
EMORY
Sorry. McQueen. Please conduct
a full body scan of Mr. John.
HARRISON
Huh?
Harrison attempts to sit up, but April Tuna pushes him back while Brooke uses a tricorder -- a tricorder that looks shockingly like a Nokia cellphone -- to scan his body.
BROOKE
He's O.K.
She helps him up. Harrison realizes that he too is dressed in an original series Star Trek uniform.
HARRISON
What the hell is going on here?
EMORY
Stardate 3372.7: Make note that
Mr. John is all right after having
passed out before the Koonutkaliffee.
As Harrison looks around, he realizes that he's not even on earth. The area is surrounded by giant reddish rocks, and even looks like a cheap soundstage from the 60's. NICOLE is there, dressed in a gorgeous silver beaded dress. BOBBI GLASS is dressed in a rather fancy DRESS also, with an oddly-shaped headdress. The only other person present is STONE COLD, dressed scantily and showing much muscle. Harrison is in awe, but also terribly confused.
HARRISON
Someone remind me to spend a
little less time around April
Tuna.
TUNA
Excuse me, Mr. John -- Sir?
HARRISON
N...nothing. Um...Emory? Why
are we here? Wait a sec -- Miss
Glass?
BOBBI GLASS/T'CLAW
I know of no female being of which you
call Miss Glass. I am T'Claw, respected
member of the high counsel of Virgin.
Emory turns to Brooke.
EMORY
Are you sure Mr. John did not
suffer any damage during the
fainting spell?
BROOKE
Clean as a whistle -- Captain.
(pauses)
Uh, though he could have suffered
temporary memory loss that the
tricorder didn't pick up.
HARRISON
Okay, what the HELL is going on here???
BOBBI GLASS/T'CLAW
QUIET, half-breed. We are to commence
with the Kookala -- the Konutali -- the
Kookatali -- the deflowering ceremony
immediately.
Nicole steps forward and looks Harrison up and down; she walks around him and examines his facial features in the light. She sneers, shrugs, and walks away.
NICOLE/T'FLING
Hm. Why should I make it easy on
HIM? I'd rather sleep with Stone
over here than that scrawny little
piece of Virgin flesh.
T'CLAW
Are you saying that you want him
to fight to the death for your affections
in a testosterone-charged exposition
of his male prowess?
April, Brooke, Emory, and Harrison are each taken aback.
NICOLE/T'FLING
Precisely.
T'CLAW
Ooooh-kay, T'Fling here has invoked
her right for her mate to fight to the
death for her affections. She also has
the right to choose her mate's opponent.
After little deliberation....
T'FLING
(nodding towards Emory)
I think watching Opie over there get
the crap beat out of him will be fun to
watch.
T'CLAW
Okay then. Sug, the weapons.
BROOKE
You can't do that!
T'CLAW
I am a revered member of the counsel.
Of course I can.
SUGAR DADDY materializes from behind a rock with two large sticks and grabs Emory by the scruff of the neck and dumps him in the center of the ring. He hands him a stick, and then hands Harrison the other stick.
HARRISON
Wait a minute -- I don't want to fight
him!
T'CLAW
That's too bad, pencil neck. You have
to.
HARRISON
And what if I don't?
T'CLAW
We'll kill you.
HARRISON
Good reason.
T'CLAW
When I say "begin", you two are to
commence fighting.
(looking at Emory)
Remember...it IS a fight to the death
and the loser gets to go back to their
home planet in disgrace. Not that I'm
taking bets -- er, sides.
Nicole/T'Fling comes over to the two boys and tip-toes to kiss Harrison on the lips; his eyes widen.
T'FLING
Good luck, John.
(looking at Emory)
Not that you'll need it.
Nicole rejoins Bobbi Glass, Stone, and Sugar Daddy off to the side.
EMORY
(quiet)
John. I want you to do what
you have to do. Don't worry
about me.
(pause)
I can take it.
T'CLAW
Begin!
Harrison roars and rushes towards Emory, wielding the stick high in the air and bringing it down hard. FOCUS on April and Brooke as they wince at the cracking sound and Emory's girly, high-pitched scream. FOCUS on Bobbi Glass (et al) as they startle to the sound of the stick cracking on Emory's body. BACK to Harrison as he pants, sweaty, still holding the stick. He glances back at April and Brooke, who've covered their eyes. He then glances at Nicole, who gives him a wink. His vision starts to go blurry.
T'CLAW
You've won the right to be part
of the same family as they are
similar in appearance, but one is
more malleable than the other, Mr.
John.
HARRISON
Huh?
T'CLAW
Mr. John?
Harrison suddenly feels woozy, then feels like he's falling...
BOBBI GLASS (V.O.)
Mr. John.
CUT TO
INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - CHEMISTRY CLASS - DAY
BOBBI GLASS
(slapping her hand on his books)
MR. JOHN!
HARRISON
Jim!
HARRISON suddenly snaps awake, his head nearly falling back. The class chuckles. NICOLE (his lab partner) slyly winks at him.
BOBBI GLASS
As I was saying -- before I was
so rudely interrupted by the
gargling quake-like snores of
Mr. Harrison Bored, here...
As Miss Glass speaks, Harrison finds himself nervously stealing glances at Nicole.
BOBBI GLASS
...the other day I presented to you
the idea of investigation as a
means to determine the differentiating
characteristics of two objects that
look alike and the concept of being
misled by outward appearances because
of such superficial similarities.
Today, I want to really screw you up
and present to you the exact opposite.
The class groans. Nicole catches his stare -- and twists her body TOWARDS him. Harrison tries to ignore her, but she's got her legs crossed, the tip of her slingback brushing his leg as she files her nails.
BOBBI GLASS
Don't wet your diapers just yet, kids.
It's a similar process -- investigation --
that'll lead you to the conclusion that
things that appear totally different on
the outside will indeed share identical
internal characteristics. Can anyone
give me an example of this?
MARY CHERRY raises her hand.
BOBBI GLASS
Cherry. Don't bomb this one.
MARY CHERRY
Miss Glass, Sir...water and ice have the
same exact composition, though one of them
is a liquid --
Harrison starts to sweat profusely as there's obviously something going on under his desk.
MARY CHERRY
-- and the other is a SOLID.
Harrison gulps as his eyes volley nervously back and forth.
BOBBI GLASS
And the lady finally wins the prize.
The bell rings.
BOBBI GLASS
Read up, people...you're gonna
need it.
The students gather their books and shuffle out of class -- all except for Harrison.
HARRISON
Um, Nicole --
Nicole turns.
HARRISON
(quiet)
Um...my uh...my mom is uh...
well, she's um...sh-she's
going to be gone for the
night -- big date, don't
expect her home and I...I was
wondering --
Nicole leans in.
NICOLE
(quiet)
Pick me up no later than seven.
(turns to leave, turns back)
Don't be late.
HARRISON
(nervous smile)
I...I won't.
Nicole watches Harrison exit, one of his books casually concealing the front of his pants. Her expression turns serious as she watches Miss Glass put away her planner. She slowly approaches her.
NICOLE
Miss Glass, Sir. Do you have a
moment?
BOBBI GLASS
Make it quick, Ms. Julian. I got
a smoothie settling in the teacher's
lounge.
NICOLE
Then I'll get straight to the
point. How big is your family?
BOBBI GLASS
Come again?
NICOLE
Perhaps I phrased that wrong. What
I meant to say was --
BOBBI GLASS
Miss Julian. I'm aware of your current
situation with your family...my heart
goes out to you. It truly does. But
as far as I'm concerned, my brother
Rock is the only other Glass to grace
this fine earth.
NICOLE
So...you don't know of anyone else?
BOBBI GLASS
Aside from my murderous sister, no.
Nicole stares at her.
NICOLE
Well, you have me.
Miss Glass looks at her quizzically.
NICOLE
Well, you know, when Uncle Tippy
came by that one time I did somewhat
claim you as my own, didn't I?
BOBBI GLASS
(softening...somewhat)
Yes, you did. You are my family.
Now Miss Julian, please excuse me
while I purge myself of these warm
fuzzies and salvage what's left of my
now congealed smoothie and Egg McMuffin.
Nicole watches Miss Glass amble out of the room.
INT. KENNEDY HIGH CAFETERIA - DAY
SAM sits alone. GEORGE slides his books onto the table and sits down.
GEORGE
Hey, stranger. I've been missing
you 'round lately.
SAM
Me? Just ask Brooke -- I'm
the one who's been trying to
get ahold of you lately, but
you're never around. Have...
have you been avoiding me?
GEORGE
Naw, I've just been busy with a
little secret project.
SAM
Secret, huh? Care to share this
secret with me?
GEORGE
I can't. I was sworn to secrecy
about it.
Sam nods her head.
GEORGE
I figure...that since you have your
secrets...that it'd be O.K. for me
to have mine.
SAM
What? What's that supposed to mean?
GEORGE
Well...lately when I'm with you I feel
as though you're keeping something from
me. Something that I ought to know.
SAM
What makes you say that?
GEORGE
Silence says alot of things, Sam.
Sam becomes nervous.
SAM
No, nothing's...George, come on. I've
just been a little preoccupied, that's
all. I just haven't felt like talking
much lately.
GEORGE
So there IS a problem.
Sam shakes her head, smiling nervously.
GEORGE
The Sam McPherson I know can talk forever
and a day about nothing and make it
sound interesting.
(pauses)
Look, Sam...if something's bothering you,
you might try telling me...maybe I can
help you work it out.
SAM
You haven't been around much for me to
even try.
GEORGE
Well, maybe that's because when I *am*
with you I don't feel like you're
really *with me*.
(sighs)
I don't want to get into an argument,
Sam.
SAM
(looks at her watch)
Oh, God -- I had to be somewhere like,
five minutes ago. Can we talk later
about this?
GEORGE
Sure, Sam. Give me a call when you
actually do wanna talk.
Sam gets up, staring at him; she nervously walks away.
INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY
SAM books it into
THE NOVAK
where NICOLE stands, applying her lip gloss. Sam turns, but stays.
NICOLE
Don't leave on account of me, Spam.
I think this Novak's big enough to
hold both Beauty and the Beast.
SAM
(almost in tears)
Nicole, Brooke has been really
worried about you. Why don't you
go talk to her.
NICOLE
Brookie doesn't need to worry
about me. I can take care of
myself.
(looks her over)
You, on the other hand, look like you
need a little help.
(pauses)
It's the Harrison thing, isn't it.
SAM
I don't wanna talk about it, Nicole.
NICOLE
You know, if you're really this broken up
about it, perhaps you should do something
to fix it.
Sam shakes her head.
NICOLE
(sighs)
Then again, it could be too late.
SAM
What's that supposed to mean?
NICOLE
Nothing. It's just that...it looks like he's
picked up and moved on.
(starts to leave, turns)
Just like you wanted.
Nicole leaves Sam standing at the mirror. Sam looks deep into her own eyes and hears Harrison's words over and over again in her head.
HARRISON
(V.O.)
I love you, Sam. That, I
know is true. I love you.
Sam breaks down in tears.
EXT. KENNEDY HIGH - THE REMAINS OF THE FOREVER TREE - AFTERNOON
HARRISON sits nervously on the stump.
In the distance, EMORY is in complete camouflage, hidden in a bush, watching him. He's got a camcorder.
EMORY (O.S.)
(quiet)
Operation Canned Tuna, 1400 hours:
The Mark is in sight and visibly
nervous. He is looking around...
no doubt to see if anyone can see
him waiting for her...waiting for
my love...MY fiery-haired goddess
of sensuality...the bastard...oo,
there she is...she's coming.
BACK to HARRISON. APRIL TUNA approaches.
HARRISON
Hey, April.
TUNA
Harrison.
HARRISON
You...you didn't tell anyone
about this, did you?
TUNA
I am insulted at your implication,
Harrison. When April Tuna makes
a solemn oath to uphold the truth
and keep a close friend's secret,
that she will do -- don't be so
paranoid!
HARRISON
Okay, okay, God, I'm sorry...so
...were you able to get everything --
TUNA
Everything you asked for PLUS some,
my nascent sex master.
April reaches in her bag, pulls out items, and hands them to Harrison -- with much more fanfare than he'd prefer.
TUNA
Sandalwood scented candles --
floating lily-shaped AND votive.
(pauses)
Peppermint incense for a contrasting
olfactory experience.
(pauses)
Deep-penetrating tantric massage
oil. Kiwi flavored. And...
(pauses, digging a little deeper)
...one box of rather large-sized
prophylactics.
Emory gasps as he zooms in on the box.
EMORY (O.S.)
The smoking gun!
Emory is struck speechless and starts rustling in the bush. Someone throws a glass juice bottle out into the bushes and it hits him square in the head -- he teeters on his heels and falls onto his behind.
Harrison rips it out of her hands and stuffs the box in his bag. April gives him "the look".
TUNA
Ooo, Harrison John. We've
become so close these past
few days...I so wish you would
tell me who the lucky damsel is
who gets to charter your sofar
unexplored Dawson-esque physique.
Harrison blushes.
HARRISON
I...I can't, April. I made a
promise.
TUNA
A true gentleman doesn't kiss
and tell. You, my friend, are
a true gentleman.
HARRISON
And you're a true friend,
April. I really appreciate
your help.
TUNA
Anything for a great guy who
has helped ME.
She does her "live long and prosper" hand gesture; Harrison reciprocates and takes off.
She then starts towards the steps where Emory's been hiding.
Emory leaps out of the brush, still fully camouflaged, startling her.
EMORY
Ah ha! I've caught you red-handed
in your lurid deception, Miss Tuna!
TUNA
What the hell are you talking about,
Emory Dick?
EMORY
I saw you...meeting with him. I've
got the whole sordid thing on tape!
TUNA
You...you were spying on me?
EMORY
Spying is such a harsh word. I prefer
to call it "relationship maintenance".
TUNA
Well, maintain THIS, Dick -- according to
Seventeen magazine, TRUST is the cornerstone
of a healthy relationship, and what I'm
seeing here isn't healthy at all. In fact...
it's pretty SICK.
EMORY
But...I've got it all on tape.
TUNA
There is nothing incriminating on that tape
in regards to my relations with Harrison
John. If you feel you need to use it against
me in some fashion to...stroke your ego about
how clever you are, go ahead. It won't be
the only thing you'll be stroking alone tonight.
(turns to leave, but turns back)
And while you revel in the consequences of
your misguided actions, you should also take into
consideration that perhaps Mr. John -- your
truest and bluest *friend* -- would be terribly
distressed when he finds out what you've accused
him of, without sufficient facts from this...at best...
FLIMSY investigation!
She leaves Emory standing alone, camouflage-brush and paint covered
in the middle of the walkway.
INT. ROBIN JOHN'S CAR - NIGHT
HARRISON pulls up with NICOLE to his house. He puts on the parking break and gulps. There is a tense silence between them as he stares into the dashboard.
NICOLE
Well, we're here.
HARRISON
Y...yeah, we're here. This is
my house. Uh...but you already
knew that, I mean, it's not like
you've never seen it before --
NICOLE
You know Harrison...if you don't
want to do this --
HARRISON
(finally looks at her)
Oh, nonononono, I'm good, I'm
ready...but I *am* nervous.
(pauses)
Oh, man, I forgot!
He clumsily reaches into the back seat and pulls a small bouquet of flowers, a little gold box, and a shopping bag out.
HARRISON
I got you something.
NICOLE
Flowers and candy? How
utterly sweet.
HARRISON
Wuh...well, yeah, you know,
the whole romance thing, but
I also got you something else.
Nicole opens the bag and takes out a pretty giftbox, complete with shiny bow.
NICOLE
Harrison. You don't have to
suck up to me at this point.
You've already got a free pass.
HARRISON
It's not a suck-up gift, Nicole.
(pauses)
I know this night may not be...as
special as it is for you as it is
for me, but...I still wanted to at
least try. So...please...open it.
Nicole is eager at first, but hesitates and stares out the window for a second, her hand poised to open the box. She snaps out of it and opens it -- it's a BEAUTIFUL silver choker with a heart motif. She stares at it and then stares out the window again. Harrison's expression fades.
HARRISON
You don't like it.
NICOLE
No, that's not the problem.
I love it.
HARRISON
Y...you do?
NICOLE
(looks at him)
No one's ever cared enough to...
care the way you do, Harrison.
(looks away again)
I guess I'm pretty new to this, too.
Nicole sinks into thought for a moment again, then turns back to him.
NICOLE
Welp. Shall we?
Harrison smiles widely and excitedly and opens his door to get out.
END OF ACT 3