Chapter Six: Irreversible Damage?
"Be cheerful and light, cheerful and, concerned. Not worried, definitely not worried, or nervous," Amanda told herself as she approached Duncan's loft. She could do this, it wasn't really difficult, it was only Duncan. But she was worried. Worried because it was Duncan, and she didn't know what she would do if anything happened to him. Worried because she had never seen Methos so worried, so sincere, so desperate, almost. If truth be told, she was worried about Methos as well.
She stopped in front of the dojo, and prepared to go up into Duncan's loft. She could feel his buzz by now, so at least he was at home. She went up, calling out to Duncan so that he wasn't startled by the sudden arrival. Expecting to find Duncan coming to meet her, Amanda was surprised when she made it into the main/living room without a sign of Duncan. Duncan was sitting watching television, except that Amanda knew that Duncan never watched television. The only person in the loft who watched it had been...Richie.
"Duncan. Finally getting into the twentieth century, I see", she said, with a smile, in greeting.
"Amanda. I didn't know you were in town."
"Well, you know me."
"Yes. I do."
He didn't look exactly surprised to see her, though, or pleased, or even annoyed that she'd just come barging in. He hardly looked at her and didn't make eye-contact. In fact, it seemed that there was nothing going on behind those deep, dark eyes, that any politeness, any interaction at all, was purely instinctual and almost subconscious, as if Duncan had temporarily left leaving an empty shell and an answering service. She knew Richie's death had affected him hard but before she had left he had still shown some emotion, even if that emotion was mainly anger and grief. This vacantness, this charade of an existence that Methos had told her Duncan had been living, was much worse. She shivered.
"What you watching?" she tried.
"It's called friends", Duncan replied, still speaking as little as
possible.
"I don't know it, is it good?"
"It's OK."
"Duncan...?"
"Yes." Duncan finally turned to look at her, a strange little smile on his lips.
"Are you OK?"
"Of course I am. How are you Amanda?"
"Um, fine. I..."
"Come to tell me about your latest exploits?"
"No, I..."
"Oh, really, are you finally on the straight and narrow?"
"I..."
"What?"
"Duncan, for god's sake, just shut up a minute!" Amanda finally yelled, frustrated at his lack of emotion and his ridiculous small talk.
"Why, so you can lecture me as well? So you can pretend to give me advice then just twist my heart and mind in two completely opposing and confusing directions. So you can remind me as well that I should go and help Joe?"
"My God, Duncan, such emotion!" Amanda replied in kind, still unable to calm down from her earlier anger.
"Emotion? Sorry, I think I just ran out. Too much emotion means too much hurt, too much pain, confusion, loss and betrayal. Or haven't you learnt that yet?"
Amanda shivered again, quickened to the core. This was Duncan MacLeod saying this? This was from the great Highland warrior, the Immortal boyscout, the man who cared about everyone and everything?!
"Duncan please, you can't be like this. Don't do this to yourself, to me, to Joe, to Methos."
"Why not, why for once can't I not care, not feel?! Tell me why Amanda! Cos I sure as Hell 'feel' much better this way!"
"Why not? I'll tell you why not. Cos that's not you. It's not Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod."
"Maybe I don't care about that. Maybe I should be like Methos, put myself first for once. Or, maybe 400 years just is more than enough for anyone..."
"400 years? Try 1000, Duncan, 2000, 5000..."
"Try 20!"
"Richie wasn't your fault!" she almost screamed.
"Oh, change the record!"
"Oh grow up! You and your bloody Scottish sense of guilt, you and your bloody Clan MacLeod. He was playing the Game! He lost, let him rest in peace!"
"How can I when that, that bastard is still alive!"
"Oh I see. No emotion, Duncan, very interesting. You were prepared to let it go earlier, so I heard..."
"Things change!"
"This isn't about Richie is it, not really, it's not even about you, it's about Methos. Or maybe...Methos and you?"
"Amanda, I think you should leave now. Thank you for coming, have a nice day, come visit again soon, say, in another 100 years."
"And what, visit your tomb?!"
"What...?!" This time, Duncan's voice was as cold as ice.
"Duncan, please, I'm worried about you. You can't give up. Methos thinks there's someone after you, and the Watchers are helping. It's a dangerous time Duncan, you can't just give up!"
" 'Methos thinks..' does he? Since when have you and Methos been so chummy? Mr 'old and wise, 5000 years old so I must be right'. What has he ever been right about, what has he learnt in 5000 years? It seems to me that the only thing he's learnt in 5000 years is how to be a cold-hearted, manipulative, hurtful bastard! He's caused me nothing but trouble since he entered my life..."
" 'Nothing but trouble...?' Why, because he was a man not a myth, because he had faults, because he wanted to be your friend, because he's given you friendship and love. Because he helped you destroy Kirsten, and Kalas, helped you defeat the dark quickening? Because he couldn't stop Richie from killing him?!"
"Yes."
"Duncan, the man cares for you. He loves you. He's worried about you, and he knows, not thinks, knows, something is about to happen, something bad!"
"Amanda, my dear, I never thought I would see the day when you would champion Methos' cause and explain how good he is. So, thank you, and good bye."
"Duncan...just be careful. Extra careful. For me."
He turned his back on her, retreating again back into the safety of his own mind and of the fictional world of the television. Amanda, sensing that she'd gone too far, but praying that she'd gotten through to him, could do nothing more than leave quietly and go to try and find Methos.
Wandering back towards the café where she'd met Methos earlier, Amanda was surprised to feel a faint, weakened Presence as she approached the street behind the café. More curious than worried, she approached carefully. What she found, though, was not what she was expecting. In a heap against a wall, barely conscious, eyes glazed, muttering to himself, and with as weak a Presence as she'd ever felt from him, was Methos.
"No", he was repeating over and and over again, and "leave him alone", although who Methos was talking to, Amanda had no idea. She had never seen an Immortal become delusional before.
"Methos, what happened?" But he couldn't answer her, just kept muttering.
Not knowing what else to do, Amanda decided to move him, take him back to her hotel room. For a slim man, he proved very difficult to drag away from the wall, almost as if something was pulling him in the opposite direction, wanting to keep him there even as she wanted to move him away.
"Be cheerful and light, cheerful and, concerned. Not worried, definitely not worried, or nervous," Amanda told herself as she approached Duncan's loft. She could do this, it wasn't really difficult, it was only Duncan. But she was worried. Worried because it was Duncan, and she didn't know what she would do if anything happened to him. Worried because she had never seen Methos so worried, so sincere, so desperate, almost. If truth be told, she was worried about Methos as well.
She stopped in front of the dojo, and prepared to go up into Duncan's loft. She could feel his buzz by now, so at least he was at home. She went up, calling out to Duncan so that he wasn't startled by the sudden arrival. Expecting to find Duncan coming to meet her, Amanda was surprised when she made it into the main/living room without a sign of Duncan. Duncan was sitting watching television, except that Amanda knew that Duncan never watched television. The only person in the loft who watched it had been...Richie.
"Duncan. Finally getting into the twentieth century, I see", she said, with a smile, in greeting.
"Amanda. I didn't know you were in town."
"Well, you know me."
"Yes. I do."
He didn't look exactly surprised to see her, though, or pleased, or even annoyed that she'd just come barging in. He hardly looked at her and didn't make eye-contact. In fact, it seemed that there was nothing going on behind those deep, dark eyes, that any politeness, any interaction at all, was purely instinctual and almost subconscious, as if Duncan had temporarily left leaving an empty shell and an answering service. She knew Richie's death had affected him hard but before she had left he had still shown some emotion, even if that emotion was mainly anger and grief. This vacantness, this charade of an existence that Methos had told her Duncan had been living, was much worse. She shivered.
"What you watching?" she tried.
"It's called friends", Duncan replied, still speaking as little as
possible.
"I don't know it, is it good?"
"It's OK."
"Duncan...?"
"Yes." Duncan finally turned to look at her, a strange little smile on his lips.
"Are you OK?"
"Of course I am. How are you Amanda?"
"Um, fine. I..."
"Come to tell me about your latest exploits?"
"No, I..."
"Oh, really, are you finally on the straight and narrow?"
"I..."
"What?"
"Duncan, for god's sake, just shut up a minute!" Amanda finally yelled, frustrated at his lack of emotion and his ridiculous small talk.
"Why, so you can lecture me as well? So you can pretend to give me advice then just twist my heart and mind in two completely opposing and confusing directions. So you can remind me as well that I should go and help Joe?"
"My God, Duncan, such emotion!" Amanda replied in kind, still unable to calm down from her earlier anger.
"Emotion? Sorry, I think I just ran out. Too much emotion means too much hurt, too much pain, confusion, loss and betrayal. Or haven't you learnt that yet?"
Amanda shivered again, quickened to the core. This was Duncan MacLeod saying this? This was from the great Highland warrior, the Immortal boyscout, the man who cared about everyone and everything?!
"Duncan please, you can't be like this. Don't do this to yourself, to me, to Joe, to Methos."
"Why not, why for once can't I not care, not feel?! Tell me why Amanda! Cos I sure as Hell 'feel' much better this way!"
"Why not? I'll tell you why not. Cos that's not you. It's not Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod."
"Maybe I don't care about that. Maybe I should be like Methos, put myself first for once. Or, maybe 400 years just is more than enough for anyone..."
"400 years? Try 1000, Duncan, 2000, 5000..."
"Try 20!"
"Richie wasn't your fault!" she almost screamed.
"Oh, change the record!"
"Oh grow up! You and your bloody Scottish sense of guilt, you and your bloody Clan MacLeod. He was playing the Game! He lost, let him rest in peace!"
"How can I when that, that bastard is still alive!"
"Oh I see. No emotion, Duncan, very interesting. You were prepared to let it go earlier, so I heard..."
"Things change!"
"This isn't about Richie is it, not really, it's not even about you, it's about Methos. Or maybe...Methos and you?"
"Amanda, I think you should leave now. Thank you for coming, have a nice day, come visit again soon, say, in another 100 years."
"And what, visit your tomb?!"
"What...?!" This time, Duncan's voice was as cold as ice.
"Duncan, please, I'm worried about you. You can't give up. Methos thinks there's someone after you, and the Watchers are helping. It's a dangerous time Duncan, you can't just give up!"
" 'Methos thinks..' does he? Since when have you and Methos been so chummy? Mr 'old and wise, 5000 years old so I must be right'. What has he ever been right about, what has he learnt in 5000 years? It seems to me that the only thing he's learnt in 5000 years is how to be a cold-hearted, manipulative, hurtful bastard! He's caused me nothing but trouble since he entered my life..."
" 'Nothing but trouble...?' Why, because he was a man not a myth, because he had faults, because he wanted to be your friend, because he's given you friendship and love. Because he helped you destroy Kirsten, and Kalas, helped you defeat the dark quickening? Because he couldn't stop Richie from killing him?!"
"Yes."
"Duncan, the man cares for you. He loves you. He's worried about you, and he knows, not thinks, knows, something is about to happen, something bad!"
"Amanda, my dear, I never thought I would see the day when you would champion Methos' cause and explain how good he is. So, thank you, and good bye."
"Duncan...just be careful. Extra careful. For me."
He turned his back on her, retreating again back into the safety of his own mind and of the fictional world of the television. Amanda, sensing that she'd gone too far, but praying that she'd gotten through to him, could do nothing more than leave quietly and go to try and find Methos.
Wandering back towards the café where she'd met Methos earlier, Amanda was surprised to feel a faint, weakened Presence as she approached the street behind the café. More curious than worried, she approached carefully. What she found, though, was not what she was expecting. In a heap against a wall, barely conscious, eyes glazed, muttering to himself, and with as weak a Presence as she'd ever felt from him, was Methos.
"No", he was repeating over and and over again, and "leave him alone", although who Methos was talking to, Amanda had no idea. She had never seen an Immortal become delusional before.
"Methos, what happened?" But he couldn't answer her, just kept muttering.
Not knowing what else to do, Amanda decided to move him, take him back to her hotel room. For a slim man, he proved very difficult to drag away from the wall, almost as if something was pulling him in the opposite direction, wanting to keep him there even as she wanted to move him away.