The Castle of Count Ruttheimer

The Castle of Count Ruttheimer


A Daria Fan Fiction/Crossover.


By Crazy Nutso



Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction (or a desperate plea for help....you be the judge) Daria & her amazing friends are ™ and © MTV. Daria and all other characters belong to MTV, but were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis . Doesn't that just suck? Lupin (or Rupin, whatever) Goemon, Jigen, Fujiko, Inspector Zenigata, and all other 'Rupin' (or Lupin, whatever) characters are © Monkey Punch... All music, pop culture references, and the like are probably ® ™ and © also but I'm to damn lazy to look it up. Used without permission...Please don't sue me :>}

added note: This is a direct sequel to Daria: The Hunter, so if you haven't read that one, you WILL be completely lost. Also this is a crossover fic with the Lupin/Rupin series of animes, so you might want to watch The Castle of Cagliostro, The Mystery of Mamo, The Fuma Conspiracy, and/or Legend of the Gold of Babylon all of which feature a notorious thief, his friends, and a police officer who wants to arrest him. They are ALL quite good, and I heartily recommend them.


We hear the typical 'Daria' theme, except it's done 'Anime-style', and is being sung in Japanese. Instead of the usual montage sequence, we see:

Daria, with a glowing sword in her hands racing (you can tell she's racing because of the speed lines...) toward the camera. The picture shifts to show a crowd of monsters. Daria starts slashing. A monster tries to sneak up behind her, but he is attacked by Jane-wolf. Daria and Jane finish off the rest of the monsters, then solemnly shake hands. (like the opening of the old Batman tv show) The camera zooms in on Daria, then it goes to the 'Daria' Logo.

Mamano Hunter Daria in: The Castle of Count Ruttheimer.
ACT I. The end of Lawndale

Scene 1. Resurrecting Mystik Spiral

We see Daria, in the Morgendorffer living room, cleaning up. She is putting cardboard over the broken window when the phone rings. She answers it, spit screen between her and Jane. Jane is still in her 'Jane-wolf' form (human, but with fur and claws)

Daria: Hey Jane.

Jane: How'd you know it was me?

Daria: Secret Mamano powers.

Jane: Really?

Daria: No. No one ever calls me except for you, and everyone who
would call Quinn is dead.

Jane: Well, I need you to get over here right away. (as she says
this, Daria opens a mystical portal behind her, and steps
through. as Jane continues, The screen shows just Jane,
talking on the phone) It's the guys from Mystik Spiral. They
were hurt real bad when the Fashion Vampires attacked.1
I need you to look at them and see what we can do...Daria?
Are you still there? (A hand grabs Jane's shoulder, the
camera pans back to show Daria standing behind her.) GAH!
Don't DO that! Come on! (She grabs Daria's arm, and races
into the basement.)

They get into the basement, and we see that the wall is caved in on
top of the other members of Mystik Spiral

Daria: They are beyond the help of medical science. But there
may be something I can do.

 Moments later, in Daria's lair, we see the 3 other members of
Mystik Spiral laid out on tables. Daria is working on them.
She is wearing a surgical outfit, complete with mask and gloves.
Trent and Jane are watching through a window. Suddenly a
glowing apparition appears. It is the ghost of Aunt Amy.

Amy: What are you doing? You're supposed to kill monsters,
not MAKE them!

Daria: These are my friends. Besides it won't hurt to have them
around, in case I need some muscle.

The camera pans to Jane and Trent

Trent: Who's she talking to?

Jane: Her dead Aunt.

Trent: Oh, (beat) Cool!

Back to Daria.

Daria: Well, all they need now is a little electricity.

 Daria pulls a large lever, and suddenly two spheres rise out of the floor, a
huge arc of electricity appears between the spheres, we see a 'Jacob's
Ladder'2 in the background. Suddenly the members of
Mystik Spiral start to jerk...Then they rise....

Max: What the...?

Nick: What happened?

Jesse: Cool.

 The three of them look like classic, "Frankenstein's Monsters". They have
bolts on their necks, and stich lines were Daria sewed them back together.

Daria: Not bad work, if I do say so myself. How do you guys feel?

Max: Hungry.

Nick: Famished!

Jesse: Yeah!

Daria: (sigh) The food is through there. (she gestures, and they lumber off,
in search of food.) Why did I think they'd be different? (Jane
and Trent enter)

Jane: So what is that thing for, anyhow? (she gestures at the
Jacob's Ladder)

Daria: It's just for decoration.

Jane: So now what do we do?

Daria: (sigh) Now I've got to figure out how I'm gonna explain my
new career to the folks. I would fake my own death,
but I don't really want to put them through that...

but little did Daria know, that, far away across the ocean, events were taking place that would take the decision out of her hands...

We see an imposing castle set in a hillside. An large, imposing limousine approaches. The driver gets out, and opens the back door. Out steps Charles Ruttheimer III. As he approaches the twin guard towers, a drawbridge lowers across the moat. A small, hunchbacked man comes running across the bridge...

Charles: Is everything ready?

Hunchback: YES master!

Charles: And has everything we need from Lawndale been delivered?

Hunchback: YES master!

Charles: Excellent. Everything is going according to my plan! (he speaks
into a radio) Commander, you may fire the missile when ready!

We see a LARGE missile slowly coming out of the ground near the castle, it speeds up as it goes by, till we see the glowing end of it. It soars off into the sky. Meanwhile back in Lawndale...

We see Daria and Jane in the Morgendorffer living room. Suddenly Daria grabs her head with both hands.

Jane: What's wrong?

Daria: Gah! I'm getting a vision...OH....MY.......GOD!! We've
got to get out of here....NOW!

Daria opens a mystical portal and shoves Jane through it, before stepping through it herself. The camera slowly pans back until it is showing the outside of the house, then it moves upwards, to show an arial view of Lawndale. Then we see the missile come streaking in, hitting Lawndale right at the Morgendorffer house. It explodes, forming a big mushroom cloud, and we see all of Lawndale wiped out.

Commercial Break...(yes, I KNOW act 1 was a little short, but when you NUKE Lawndale, you HAVE to go to a commercial break. It a RULE or something!)

ADDITIONAL WARNING: This commercial break contains more 'in-jokes' then you can shake a stick at...

Coming soon...The Crazy Nutso SHOW!

Kinda like the Jerry Springer show, but just different enough to keep us from being sued...and it's about Daria fanfic stuff, so no one watches any....

We See a darkened stage, with several chairs with people in it. There is a big crowd of people, and Crazy Nutso is there, with a big microphone. A spotlight comes on him.

Crazy: Hello, and welcome to my show! (audience begins to chant "crazy...crazy...crazy")
Ok, Ok. Settle down! Now, everyone knows the drill...
We take perfectly innocent, nice people, put them on stage,
and then have the audience attack them until they start a fight
or something. First on the hot seat.....Diane Long!

Camera pans to the stage, and a spotlight hits one of the chairs. We see a youngish woman, rather tall, who bears a slight resemblance to Jane Lane. She looks up and smiles nervously. Camera pans back to Crazy, who is holding the mike up to a 14 year old girl.

Crazy: So, you are a shipper fan, right? (the girl nods) And what would
you like to say to the so-called queen of the shippers?

Girl: (near tears) You're supposed to be a 'shipper! How COULD you
break them up? (she bursts into tears)

Crazy: Diane, can you see the heartbreak you've created?

The camera pans back to Diane Long, and begins to zoom in on her. We see she looks uncomfortable...Suddenly she screams "I'm SO sorry!" and burst into tears and runs offstage. The audience begins to chant "crazy...crazy...crazy".

Crazy: Ok, our next victo...er...guest is Martin J Pollard, webmeyster of Outpost: Daria.
"Your Online Database for All Things Daria" or so I've heard.

 5 people jump up at once. You don't do weekly updates anymore!

Martin: But, I've got a girlfriend now!

he holds up a large photo, the camera does not show the picture, but instead pans to Crazy and the audience, all of whom are standing with there jaws hanging open. Suddenly, another guy grabs the mic.

Guy: You've got that and you're still doing this internet
crap? What're you, nuts or something?

Crazy: Er, let's move on... You sir,

A shortish blond man wearing an "Austin (Anti-Shipper) 3:16)" t-shirt.

Man: Hey Martin, you're supposed to be an anti-shipper,
so why'd you make that shipper Diane
Long a 'Featured Author'?

The man is quickly hit by dozens of pink 'maters. Suddenly the mic is tore out of Crazy's hand. We see the person who did it. She is a woman in her late-30s, wearing an off white newsboy cap. She begins to rant...(we'll call her 'Debbs')

Debbs: That Rotten (BLEEP!) (BLEEP!) (BLEEP!)
hypocritical (BLEEP!) tossed me off his (BLEEP!)
website that (BLEEP!)(BLEEP!)(BLEEP!)

Several burly security guards rush at the woman and quickly hustle her out of the building. The audience once again begins to chant "crazy...crazy...crazy". Just before they get her out of the building, she yells

Debbs: Don't forget my plug! My fics are at this web address:
http://www.fortunecity.com/lavender/wildbill/155/sbbed/sbbed.html

The guards manage to hustle her out. We suddenly see Crazy, surrounded by Canadibrit, Diane Long, Kara Wild and Martin J Pollard.

CB: It's payback time.

Kara: Oh, yeah!

Diane: Now you're gonna get it, Nutso.

Crazy pulls something out of his pocket, points it at the ceiling, and presses a button on it. An arrow, attached to a rope, flies out and attaches to the ceiling. Crazy presses another button and is pulled up to safety.

Martin: Where does he get those wonderful toys?

The audience once again begins to chant "crazy...crazy...crazy". Then the scene fades out.

End of Commercial Break.

ACT II. Revenge is a dish best served cold...

Scene 1. Who is responsible?

The scene opens in Daria's Lair. We see her working furiously at a computer. Everyone else is milling around behind her...

Daria: Hmm... someone went to a great deal of trouble to cover their
tracks. But it wasn't good enough. The missile was
fired from Latvia.3 Computer, give me any
recent news concerning Latvia.

Computer: (In a voice that sounds like Pierce Bronson) Scanning...

Trent: Whoa! Why does your computer sound like Remington Steele?4

Daria: Aunt Amy always had a crush on him.

Amy: (suddenly appears) DON'T tell them THAT!

Daria: (smirking) Too late.

Suddenly the monitor shows a news logo, the camera zooms in as the news report begins.

Anchor woman: And in other news... The small country of Latvia will soon
have a new ruler as Count Ruttheimer prepares to marry
Queen Amadana. Amadana became queen when her parents
were slaughtered by rebels, but, with the count's assistance, she
was able to retain control of her land. However not everyone is
thrilled at the prospect of this marriage...

Peasant: That Count is just some rich American who bought a castle here!
Plus he's just marrying the queen to get his hands on the
Sunfire Sapphires.

Anchor Woman: As you know, the Sunfire Sapphires are the crown jewels
of Latvia, kept in a special fortress filled with traps to protect
it. They jewels are said to have certain magical properties
as well...

The monitor goes blank. The camera pans to Daria.

Daria: Pack your gear. We're goin' to Latvia.

Mystik Spiral load themselves into the tank, while Daria and Jane get into The Bandit5. A mystic portal opens, and they drive through it. Shortly thereafter, we see a country road in a desolate area. A line of text runs across the bottom of the shot, saying The Badlands, Latvia. We see a mystic portal open, and bandit comes speeding out, followed by the Tank. The camera pans back, and we see the scene in a crystal ball. Pan back some more, to show Upchuck gazing at the crystal ball.

Upchuck: So, my Feisty hunter has survived. I'll have to switch to plan 'B'.

Upchuck gets out a box, and pulls out 6 vials. He puts one in his shirt pocket, and opens the others. He dumps the contents, which seems to be dust, into separate piles on the ground, inside circles that are drawn in chalk on the floor. Then he begins to chant:

acesta art temã a Garry's spectaco
acesta art temã a Garry's spectaco
acesta s muzicã noi asculta ca noi art deschizãturã cinste.
noi aproape la art parte, unde eu porni fluiera
speranþã tu petrecere aceastã temã a Garry's spectaco.6

As he finishes his chant, there is a blinding flash of light, and a gust of wind comes in from outside, carrying in a lot of dust. The dust begins to form into 5 distinct forms around the dust that was in the vials. Suddenly, the wind stops, and we see the Fashion Vampires, and Monique standing before Upchuck. They see Upchuck, and immediately try to attack him, but they cannot leave the circles each are in.

Upchuck: Greetings, Feisty ladies. As you can see, I've brought
you back to life. However, you are my prisoners until you agree
to do my biddings.

All 5 Vampires: EWWW!

Upchuck:
Fear not, luscious ladies, I have NO interest in you in that way. I simply need you to fly around the word, and kill some people at random. That should distract your little friend the mamano hunter, while I go about my plan. And in case you have thoughts of betrayal, I've also got THIS! (He pulls out the vial from inside his shirt) With this I can bring your mother back, Sandi. (Camera pans to show Sandi, who looks horrified by the idea.) If I bring her back, she'll have total control over you, just like before...
Sandi: Very well, Charles, we shall do this thing for you
but after words, I want that vial of dust...

Upchuck: Very well, my sweet. (Upchuck makes a gesture, and
the Fashion 'Pires are freed. They turn into bats and
fly off.)

Monique: HEY! What about me?

Upchuck: I have a special mission for you, my dear...
You are going to lure Trent away from Daria.

Monique: No problem. (Upchuck makes that gesture again
and Monique is freed. She turns into a bat and flies away)

Upchuck: And when I have the Sunfire Sapphires
I'll be able to make you girls want me...

Voice: I will never tell you how to get them!

The camera pans to show a nearby wall. There is a beautiful woman chained to the floor. There is a table, chair and bed within the range of her chain. She is disheveled and dirty, but still has an air of dignity about her. She is queen Amadana.

Upchuck: My dear, it was never my intention for you
to reveal your secrets. Have you heard of Lupin?

Amadana: The notorious international thief? Of course I have.

Upchuck: This is just the type of situation he can't resist. He'll get
the Sunfire Sapphires for me. Then he'll make some
pathetic attempt to rescue you, and I'll retrieve the jewels.

Upchuck begins his evil laughter, and the scene fades out.

Scene 2. The Fashion 'Pires Strike Back!

We see the fashion 'pires, flying over the earth. They are VERY high up. We see a nail file fall from the claw of one of them. We watch as it travels down through the atmosphere, accelerating at a rate of 32.174 feet per second per second, or 9.806 meters per second per second. So, by the time it reaches the sleepy (read, BORING) little town of Buffalo, NY. It is going INCREDIBLY fast. So fast, in fact, that when it hits a house, it smashes a hole right through the roof. We see the view inside the house, a youngish looking girl sits at a computer. Suddenly, the nail file smashes through the roof, hitting her. She falls to the floor, mortally wounded. The electricity goes out, causing the room to darken, but the hole in the roof made by the nail file seems to form a spotlight, which shines on the girl's (we'll call her 'MJ') prone body.

MJ:
(MJ brings her hand to her face, it is covered in blood) "Here's the smell of the blood still: all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand."7 Alas! I am undone. And I LOVED that story, too!8 "This is death To die and know it. This is the Black Widow, death."9 "Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would be never to have been born at all."10 But "If we don't know life, how can we know death?"11 And is not "The stroke of death is as a lover's pinch, Which hurts and is desired."12 Eww! Perhaps "Life is rather a state of embryo, a preparation for life; a man is not completely born till he has passed through death."13 Maybe "The goal of all life is death."14 But then again, "Revenge triumphs over death; love slights it; honour aspireth to it; grief flieth to it."15 "'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"16

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the grim reaper (GR) appears.

GR:
I'm right here, toots, and I've got yer STING right here. (holds up his scythe)
MJ:
So, it's true... "Pale death, with impartial step, knocks at the hut of the poor and the towers of kings."17
GR: Are you done yet?

MJ:
Give me one more.... "It is finished."18 (She closes her eyes, and dies)
GR: Ooh, good last words...

The grim reaper yanks MJ's soul from her body, and flies her off to the afterlife. There is a fade out, and the fade in shows another quiet (read BORING) small town. Text prints along the screen reads 'Gassburg'. The fashion 'pires circle, then descend. They take human form.

Sandi:
So all we need to do is find a human to kill as violently as possible. (She glances into a window of a nearby house) She'll do fine. (camera pans to show another young girl sitting at a computer)
Tiffany: But....Sandi, how will we get to her?

Sandi: Her parents probably don't let her lock the door. We'll just walk in.

And, sure enough, the doors are NOT locked, and the fashion 'pires walk right into the room, surprising the girl, who barely has time to scream before she is killed in SUCH a gruesome and horrifying manner, that I cannot describe it here. Then they break the window, turn into bats, and leave. Several minutes later, The girls parents, alerted by her scream, but they had to finish what they were doing, rush in, followed by her brother.

Mom: Oh, my God! They killed Mona!

Dad: Those BASTARDS!!

Brother: Cool, can I have her room?

Dad: Why you little... (He begins to throttle to boy as the scene fades out.)

Now we see a tv studio somewhere... It's a cooking show. In the background is a big banner that reads 'Cooking with Cinumundy'. A young lady is behind a counter, wearing an apron. We'll call her Cindy.

Cindy: Today I'll be showing you my famous spaghetti
recipe. Here's what it'll look like when it's done...
(She pulls out a big bowl of spaghetti, which is
covered with a very red sauce. She dips a finger in
the sauce to taste it.) GAH! This isn't my sauce!
It tastes like...

Sandi: BLOOD?

Cindy: EEP! It's the fashion 'Pires! (the canned applause is turned
on briefly) So, you've come to kill me have you?

Sandi: Yes.

Cindy:
Very well, but first, I will zing you with some quotes on fashion! "In words, as fashions, the same rule will hold; Alike fantastic, if too new, or old: Be not the first by whom the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside." 19 "Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new."20 And Furthermore, "A fashion is merely a form of ugliness so unbearable that we are compelled to alter it every six months."21 AND "The fashion of this world passeth away."22 although I don't think that's what they were talking about... "To call a fashion wearable is the kiss of death. No new fashion worth its salt is ever wearable."23
Tiffany: Is she done yet?

Sandi: Oh, yeah...She's done.

The Fashion 'Pires move in on Cindy. One of them knocks the camera over, and the scene goes black. We hear Cindy scream followed by...

Tiffany: Will this spaghetti make me fat?

Quinn: Shut UP, Tiffany!

The scene fades, then we see a basement room. Two girls are sitting around a wood table. They are MANPREET THE UNKNOWN or 'preet and Emily Anne, the last two 'winners' of the MMST contest...

Preet: What are we doing here?

Emily: I guess he's going to kill us both off at once...

Preet: Well that SUCKS!

Emily: Yeah... Say are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Preet: YEAH! Let's not go down without a fight!

Preet and Emily flip the table over and break off 2 of the table legs. They then take the legs and sharpen them into wooden stakes.

Preet: Heh, we'll take care of those f&^kin' fashion 'pires!

Emily: Yeah!

We hear a flapping of wings, and the lights go out. We hear both Preet and Emily scream, then the lights come back on. We see the Fashion 'Pires standing over the bodies of Preet and Emily. Preet and Emily both have wooden stakes sticking out of their chests...

Tiffany: Umm.. I think we're too late...

Quinn: Way to state the obvious Tiffany.

The Scene fades out. We finally return to The Badlands in Latvia. We see Trent, sitting by a river, tuning his guitar. We also see a bat fly up next to him and turn into... Monique! The camera stays on Trent as they talk.

Monique: Hey Trent, What's up?

Trent: (barely glances up)Hey Monique.

Monique: (Seductive voice) come on Trent. Wouldn't you
rather spend time with me then with some High-
schoolers?

Trent: Not especially. We broke up, remember?24

Monique: Oh Trent, I could never... ARGH!

Trent: You could never argh?

The camera pans back to show a shocked looking Monique. She has a wooden crossbow arrow embedded in her chest. Then she changes into dust. A woman emerges from the shadows. She is clad in a mulberry ninja outfit. Her dark black hair is tied back and she looks, dare I say it, quite fetching.25 She is Vampire Hunter Diane Long. She quickly goes up to the dust that was Monique and puts some of the dust into a vial. As she is doing it, she keeps a crossbow pointed at Trent, who remains seated on a fallen tree.

Diane: (puts the vial into her belt) Well that's another one for my
collection. (Turns to face Trent) Well, you're a
handsome vampire, but I'm afraid a job is a job...

We see Diane trigger the crossbow, and watch the arrow fly at Trent. Right before it connects, a hand snatches it out of the air. We see Daria, standing next to Trent, holding the arrow.

Daria: This vampire is under my protection.

Diane shifts the crossbow to point at Daria. Suddenly a large grey and black wolf streaks out and leaps at Diane. She is knocked on her back and drops her crossbow. The wolf gets on top of her, growling right in her face.

Diane: EEP! Um, would you mind calling off your dog?

The wolf morphs into Jane-wolf. She still has Diane pinned, and is still growling.

Jane: Dog? DOG? Who are you calling a DOG?26

Diane: So you work with werewolves too?

Daria: Got a problem with it?

Diane: Well, it is a union violation...

Daria: Nope, I filed the correct papers to register them...

Suddenly, Diane flips Jane off of her, and leaps to her feet. Daria, Jane and Trent quickly surround her.

Daria: So you want to fight, or what?

Diane: Nah, I've got to be getting back to Robbie anyhow...

Daria: Nice meeting you.

Jane: Later.

Trent: Yeah, later.

Diane opens a pink mystic portal and steps through.

Jane: What a strange woman.

Daria: It could have been worse, it could have been Buffy.

Trent: Say, shouldn't we get back to the main plot now?

Daria: Right after the commercial break.

Commercial Break.

The man responsible for scheduling at MTV appears and makes a heartfelt apology for the fact that 87% of the time that Daria is supposed to be on, it's not. He is then pelted with 'maters. I can dream, can't I?

Back to the show!
ACT III. The cross-over part.

Scene 1. Attack in the badlands.

The scene opens somewhere in the badlands of Latvia. We see a slightly beat up, old yellow VW Bug. Near it are 3 men. One is a man with a full beard, wearing a black suit and a black hat. He is sitting by the fire, roasting a wiener and smoking. His name is Jigen. Near him is a shorter man, clean shaven and wry. He is Lupin. Standing off to the side is an imposing oriental man. He has long hair, and wears a samurai skirt. His name is Goeman. He suddenly looks alert and starts to draw his sword.

Lupin: What is it, Goeman?

Goeman: There is something in those bushes.

The bushes begin to russel, and a familiar looking wolf steps out. She approaches them slowly, limping slightly.

Lupin: Oh, it's just a poor, half-starved wolf. Give it
one of your hot dogs, Jigen.

Jigen: Sure thing. (He tosses a wiener to the wolf, who
catches it and eats it quickly. The wolf then lies
down by the fire.)

Goeman: There is something strange about that wolf...

Jigen: Forget that. What are we gonna do with them jewels?

Lupin: The Sunfire Sapphires? Can't sell 'em, maybe we can use
them as a bargaining tool to get Queen Amadana away from
Count Ruttheimer.

Jigen: And why does HE want them?

Lupin: He thinks they have magical powers. Here, take a look.

Lupin tosses a necklace to Jigen. We see that the Sunfire Sapphires have an odd glow to them. While they are still in the air, the wolf suddenly jumps up, catches them in her jaw, and runs off.

Lupin: Hey! Bring those back!

What follows is a rather comical chase scene as Lupin, Jigen and Goeman chase the wolf through bushes and low branches. She is careful NOT to lose them. She emerges into a clearing, and changes into her Jane-wolf form. As the Lupin gang emerge into the clearing, they see Daria, with sword drawn, flanked by Jane-wolf and Mystik Spiral.

Daria: We need to talk. But first, some privacy...

Daria looks up, and the camera pans back briefly, to show Upchuck watching them through his crystal ball. Pan back to Daria, who begins to make gestures and chant...

Daria: trev replerr iu qs uoy emtagnir atspots.

The camera pans back to show Upchuck, still looking into the crystal ball. Suddenly he loses picture, and the crystal explodes.

Upchuck: Damn her! IGOR!

The hunchback comes running in.

Igor: YES, Master?

Upchuck: Dispatch the wolfpack AND the ninjas into the badlands.
Tell them to bring me back their bodies, AND the Sunfire Sapphires.

Igor: Yes, Master!

Camera goes back to Daria and company.

Daria: So that's my plan. Does everyone know what to do?

Lupin: Sounds like a plan. But what's the hurry?

Daria: Upchuck's minion are about to catch up with us...

As if on cue a bunch of throwing stars fly by and we see the zombie Ninjas.

Daria: Go after the heads...

Daria runs at the ninjas. She slices with her sword, quickly beheading 5 of them without slowing down. Soon she is out of sight. Camera pans to Goeman.

Goeman: She is...(beat) magnificent.

Jigen: Don't forget, you're engaged fellah.27

The camera picks up Daria. She is running from dozens of wolves. They pursue her to the edge of a cliff. They surround her, and begin to move on her, growling menacingly. She does a neat back flip, right over the edge. She falls out of sight. The wolves run down a path to get to the bottom. When they arrive, there is no sign of her. Suddenly, from behind the wolves...(the camera stays on the wolves)

Daria: DOGS!

 The wolves look around in confusion.

Daria: Dogs, I said.

The camera pans to show Daria. She is dressed all in leather, and is holding two short silver swords.

Daria: Let's ROMP.

What follows is a very violent battle, which is just TOO violent for me to describe. Seriously, it'd give you nightmares! Soon we see Daria, still looking ready for a fight, standing over a mountain of wolf corpses. (apparently, these were REAL wolves, NOT werewolves) Goeman comes running up.

Goeman: Your friend Jane thought you might need some help.
(He looks around) Apparently, she was wrong.

Daria: It's the thought that counts. Let's go.

 Fade Out.

Scene 2. Have fun storming the castle!

We see Daria and company getting out of their vehicles. We see Count Ruttheimer's castle in the distance.

Jane: So why not portal straight into the castle?

Daria: It's protected. We'll have to do this the hard way.

Jane: And what's up with the leather?

Daria: It's body armor Jane. It kept me from
getting scratched up by those wolves.

Jane: And your still wearing it because?

Daria: Because...It looks good ok?

Jane: Yeah, I just wanted to get you to admit it.

Lupin: That drawbridge looks pretty tough. How do
We get in?

Daria: Allow me. SHI-ROH-KEN!

She makes a throwing gesture, and a fireball flies from her hands. It hits the top of the drawbridge, destroying it. The remains of the bridge falls forward into the moat, which bubbles ominously and the remains disintegrate. Daria and Jane leap nimbly across the gap, as does Goeman. Jesse, Max and Nick leap across 'Incredible Hulk' style. Trent turns into a bat and flies across. Camera pans to Jigen and Lupin.

Lupin: Bunch of show-offs.

He pulls out a grappling line, tosses it at the top of the castle gate, and swings across. He tosses the line back to Jigen, who also swings across.

Jane: What now? Split up and search?

Daria: No need. RIGHT Charles?

Suddenly there is a flash of light. We see Upchuck standing a short distance away. Near him are two women suspended over a pit of acid. They are queen Amadana and Fujiko.

Upchuck: Give me the Sunfire Sapphires, and I'll let you live, otherwise you all die.

Daria: Very well then...CATCH.

Daria tosses the necklace at Upchuck. While he is distracted, she and Lupin leap at the acid pit. Daria grabs the queen and Lupin grabs Fujiko, and hustle them to safety. As they are untying them, Upchuck puts on the necklace. It begins to glow...

Upchuck: (insert evil laughter here) Ultimate power
is MINE! Destroy them, my minion, but leave the hunter
to ME!

Upchuck begins to chant...

Upchuck: Krod giba ekilse cnad e tad ruoy!

Upchuck is suddenly clad in black mystical armor, and banishing a huge black sword. Daria draws her own magic sword and begins to approach him. Before she reaches him however, she chants...

Daria: kce'ny mnognidn at se ruoy.

There is a swirling wind around Daria, and she is now clad in green and black armour. We see a bunch of ninja zombies and the fashion 'pires attack Daria's friends as she squares off against Upchuck. We see a big, whoop-ass fight, the following montague is only the highlights. Caught in the Mosh by Anthrax plays in the background.

  • A bunch of zombie ninjas pile on Jesse. Seconds later, he tosses them off in all directions.

  • Daria and Upchuck exchanging blows with their swords. It is clear that Daria is quicker and more skilled, but Upchuck seems to be more powerful.

  • Jane-wolf leaps on a zombie, knocks his head off, then leaps to the next.

  • Jigen puts a clip of wooden bullets into his gun, takes careful aim, and shoots both Tiffany and Quinn.

  • Daria narrowly avoids Upchuck's sword, which cuts through a stone pillar, causing it to collapse.

  • Lupin and Fujiko running around shooting zombies in the head.

  • Trent in the corner, asleep. (don't ya just LOVE running gags?)

  • Goeman calmly slashing through the zombies.

  • Daria leaps at Upchuck with her sword extended. He blocks her blow, but as she falls back, she pulls a knife out of her boot and throws it at him. It goes right through his armor, into his chest. There is a flash of light, and Upchuck lays there with the knife in his chest.

    Upchuck: It's...not possible! The Sunfire Sapphires should have
    made me invincible!

    Daria: They might have... IF you had had them all
    (we see 3 glowing gems around Daria's neck)
    Without all of them, your armor had flaws. And now...

     Daria takes her sword and chops off Upchuck's head, while shouting:

    Daria: Your evil ends NOW!

    As soon as Upchuck's head is separated from his body, the castle begins to collapse. Everyone rushes out. Everyone makes it out...including Sandi, Stacy and Igor.

    Igor: Well, thank goodness! I usually end up getting killed...

    Suddenly Stacy grabs Igor's head, rips it off, and guzzles blood from his neck. When she's done eating, she notices that everyone is staring at her.

    Stacy: WHAT!? I'm sick of always being the
    'goodie-goodie', OK!     (She turns into
    a bat and flies off)

    Sandi: Sta-cy! Wait for me!     (also turns into a bat
    and flies off)

    Daria: Well, that was interesting. It was nice
    meeting you Lupin, but you'd better be going.

    Coming down the road, we see a huge fleet of police cars. In the lead is a jeep, with an old man in a trench coat in it. He is Inspector Zenigata. Lupin and his gang jump into his car and speed off. As they go, Goeman and Daria share a look. Then the police speed by.

    Zenigata: Come on! FASTER! LU-PAN!! You're not going
    to get away from me this time!

    Jane: Like you said, interesting...

    Jesse: Yeah!

    The scene fades out and the end credits run. Creature from the Black Leather Lagoon by The Cramps plays.

    Makeovers: (Comic-book themed).

    Jesse as the Incredible Hulk.

    Daria and Jane as Batman and Robin.

    Max as The Maxx.

    Jane as Crazy Jane.

    Finí


    Footnotes:

    1. It happened in Daria: The Hunter. So did a whole lot of other things, if you haven't read it you are gonna be soo lost.

    2. A 'Jacob's Ladder' is one of those contraptions you see in the mad scientist's lab. It's basically just a big metal thing that has an arc of electricity going up and down it.

    3. Latvia is an actual country in Europe somewhere, but it's also the theoretical home of Dr. Doom.

    4. Pierce Bronson played 'Remington Steele' on tv before he become James Bond.

    5. It's her car she got in the last story. Told you you'd be lost!

    6. It's the theme song to the old 'Gary Shandling' show, translated into Romanian. You can tell I have too much free time on my hands...

    7. William Shakespeare, Macbeth.

    8. Refers to Diane Long's classic fanfic Undone.

    9. Robert Lowell, Mr Edwards and the Spider.

    10. Heinrich Heine, Morphine.

    11. Confucius.

    12. William Shakespeare.

    13. Benjamin Franklin.

    14. Sigmund Freud.

    15. Francis Bacon, Essays, 2, `Of Death'

    16. Bible, 1 Corinthians 15:55.

    17. Horace.

    18. The last words of Jesus. Bible, St John 19:30.

    19. -Alexander Pope.

    20. Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854).

    21. Oscar Wilde, quoted in Richard Ellmann's Oscar Wilde.

    22. Bible, 1 Corinthians 7:31.

    23. Eugenia Sheppard, in New York Herald Tribune.

      all quotes courtesy of: Quotez, © 1998-9 Mark Fryer http://www.quotations.co.uk

    24. Trent and Monique may have broken up in Lane Miserable.

    25. She was also described thusly in Shipper Wars.

    26. This may be a sly reference to Through The Rainbow or just an odd coincidence.

    27. Goeman was engaged in The Fuma Conspiracy.

    Author's Notes: Are you kiddin'? If (God Forbid) you want another one of these, E-mail me and I'll think about it...