Chapter 6
Giles sat on the couch contemplating what his next move should be. He heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. He looked up as Buffy entered the living room. She looked so small and so helpless, it took all his control not to just go to her and pick her up and just hold her close to him.
"So, what's on the agenda tonight?" Buffy asked cheerfully, but the emotion didn't reach her eyes.
Giles took a deep breath and began to speak. He had been rehearsing this moment since she had gone up for her shower. "Buffy, w-w-we have to t-talk--"
"Giles," Buffy interrupted him. "It's TV time."
"No, Buffy," Giles spoke with confidence. "It's time to talk. You know it and I know it."
She just looked at him, but didn't say a word. She walked over to him and sat down on the couch. She kept her hands in her lap and looked at them.
"Buffy, things aren't getting better. Issues are being avoided that have to be dealt with. You have avoided your friends. You've even distanced yourself from me."
That last sentence got her attention. She looked up and said quietly, "I'm not distancing myself."
"Yes you are. Albeit just slightly. Buffy, if you want to get better you have to start to face things. I know it's hard, believe me I know."
"Giles, if you're just worried about when I can get back on patrol, I'll start again. I don't want you unhappy with me."
"No, Buffy it's not that," Giles said to her. "Another Slayer was activated when Faith-" he stopped suddenly.
The composure that Buffy was struggling to keep was quickly failing, "When Faith was killed - by me. I killed her. She's dead. They're all dead and its all my fault!" She got up and ran to her room.
"Buffy," Giles said standing up and following her. She made it to her room and slammed the door. Giles went to the door and tried to turn the knob. Locked.
"Damn." He said. "Buffy! Open this door."
"NO!" she cried.
"Buffy, please."
"NO! You shouldn't even want to look at me. So many people have died and it's all my fault. How can you even stand me!?"
"Damn it Buffy, please open the door."
"No!"
The stress of the last several weeks was too much for him to bear. The tears just began and his voice cracked. "Buffy, please. Don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to ME." He banged on the door with so much force that his hand throbbed in pain. "Buffy if you don't get better for yourself, then do it for me."
The words came from his heart. He dropped to his knees and began to sob, his sadness for the young woman on the other side of the door too much to bear.
The sound coming from the other side of the door nearly broke Buffy's heart. Her tears continued to fall but she walked to the door and opened the door. Giles looked up at her. She walked to him and reached down to give him her hand. He took it gently, the pulled her down to him and hugged her tightly. She held on to him like she was never going to let go.
Giles cradled her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.
"Help me Giles," she said into his chest.
Giles picked her up and took her to her bed and sat her down. He sat down next to her. "I want to help you Buffy, but you're going to have to help me here. You need to talk to me."
*****
So talk she did - about the sadness ... about the emptiness ... about the guilt. She told him how she was ashamed to face everyone after she failed so miserably. She said she missed her mom and her dad. She said she let Angel down. And that she felt horrible about Faith. She poured her heart out to him. She cried and cried but eventually all the walls came down and she told him everything. Almost everything - she couldn't bring herself to talk about how she felt about him.
Giles listened to her let it all out. He held her hand as she spoke. When she finished he hugged her. "Buffy, you need to start living again. You know that all of them would want that for you."
"I know," she said. "But I feel like it should have been me to die. I'm the Slayer, I'm the one who's supposed to die."
Not if I can help it he thought to himself. "Buffy, sometimes there are things that are just out of our control. You did what you could. We all did what we could."
"I know Giles," she said as she hugged him tightly. "But it's so hard."
"I know sweetheart," the endearment rolled off his tongue without a second thought.
He called me sweetheart! her brain whirled. Then the guilt set in again for feeling happy. She wondered if she'd ever get over the guilt. She stood up. "Giles, I'm not really up for a movie. I'm kinda tired."
"Very well," Giles said. "Bedtime. Did you want me to join you or did you want to be alone?"
She looked at him and said, "I'm not ready to be alone just yet."
"Alright. Let me turn off the lights and I'll join you in a minute."
And, as they had been doing for the last several weeks, they went to sleep together - Buffy feeling safe in Giles' warm embrace.
Giles sat on the couch contemplating what his next move should be. He heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. He looked up as Buffy entered the living room. She looked so small and so helpless, it took all his control not to just go to her and pick her up and just hold her close to him.
"So, what's on the agenda tonight?" Buffy asked cheerfully, but the emotion didn't reach her eyes.
Giles took a deep breath and began to speak. He had been rehearsing this moment since she had gone up for her shower. "Buffy, w-w-we have to t-talk--"
"Giles," Buffy interrupted him. "It's TV time."
"No, Buffy," Giles spoke with confidence. "It's time to talk. You know it and I know it."
She just looked at him, but didn't say a word. She walked over to him and sat down on the couch. She kept her hands in her lap and looked at them.
"Buffy, things aren't getting better. Issues are being avoided that have to be dealt with. You have avoided your friends. You've even distanced yourself from me."
That last sentence got her attention. She looked up and said quietly, "I'm not distancing myself."
"Yes you are. Albeit just slightly. Buffy, if you want to get better you have to start to face things. I know it's hard, believe me I know."
"Giles, if you're just worried about when I can get back on patrol, I'll start again. I don't want you unhappy with me."
"No, Buffy it's not that," Giles said to her. "Another Slayer was activated when Faith-" he stopped suddenly.
The composure that Buffy was struggling to keep was quickly failing, "When Faith was killed - by me. I killed her. She's dead. They're all dead and its all my fault!" She got up and ran to her room.
"Buffy," Giles said standing up and following her. She made it to her room and slammed the door. Giles went to the door and tried to turn the knob. Locked.
"Damn." He said. "Buffy! Open this door."
"NO!" she cried.
"Buffy, please."
"NO! You shouldn't even want to look at me. So many people have died and it's all my fault. How can you even stand me!?"
"Damn it Buffy, please open the door."
"No!"
The stress of the last several weeks was too much for him to bear. The tears just began and his voice cracked. "Buffy, please. Don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to ME." He banged on the door with so much force that his hand throbbed in pain. "Buffy if you don't get better for yourself, then do it for me."
The words came from his heart. He dropped to his knees and began to sob, his sadness for the young woman on the other side of the door too much to bear.
The sound coming from the other side of the door nearly broke Buffy's heart. Her tears continued to fall but she walked to the door and opened the door. Giles looked up at her. She walked to him and reached down to give him her hand. He took it gently, the pulled her down to him and hugged her tightly. She held on to him like she was never going to let go.
Giles cradled her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.
"Help me Giles," she said into his chest.
Giles picked her up and took her to her bed and sat her down. He sat down next to her. "I want to help you Buffy, but you're going to have to help me here. You need to talk to me."
*****
So talk she did - about the sadness ... about the emptiness ... about the guilt. She told him how she was ashamed to face everyone after she failed so miserably. She said she missed her mom and her dad. She said she let Angel down. And that she felt horrible about Faith. She poured her heart out to him. She cried and cried but eventually all the walls came down and she told him everything. Almost everything - she couldn't bring herself to talk about how she felt about him.
Giles listened to her let it all out. He held her hand as she spoke. When she finished he hugged her. "Buffy, you need to start living again. You know that all of them would want that for you."
"I know," she said. "But I feel like it should have been me to die. I'm the Slayer, I'm the one who's supposed to die."
Not if I can help it he thought to himself. "Buffy, sometimes there are things that are just out of our control. You did what you could. We all did what we could."
"I know Giles," she said as she hugged him tightly. "But it's so hard."
"I know sweetheart," the endearment rolled off his tongue without a second thought.
He called me sweetheart! her brain whirled. Then the guilt set in again for feeling happy. She wondered if she'd ever get over the guilt. She stood up. "Giles, I'm not really up for a movie. I'm kinda tired."
"Very well," Giles said. "Bedtime. Did you want me to join you or did you want to be alone?"
She looked at him and said, "I'm not ready to be alone just yet."
"Alright. Let me turn off the lights and I'll join you in a minute."
And, as they had been doing for the last several weeks, they went to sleep together - Buffy feeling safe in Giles' warm embrace.