Dry These Tears:
Disclaimer: I haven't owned Digimon, so the chances of me now owning them aren't that good, now are they? ^_^
Notes: PART TWO!! YAAAAYYY!!! Contains violence... blood.. stuff... ^_^;;; My poor Koushiro....
Part Two:
I can remember quite easily the first time I met the rest of the Digidestined at summer camp. My first impression was mistrust, wary caution. I wasn't exactly open to the idea of conversing with some of my fellow cabin mates. They didn't know me very well- knew me well enough, I suppose, that they labeled me a computer geek. Always on the Internet, always thinking, observing. They were correct on that assumption. It took longer, much longer, far into the Digital World, before they saw something beyond that image.
I'm still not absolutely sure what it is they saw.
In many ways, the Digital world was extremely better than the real world. It was there that I found Tentomon, the first real friend I've ever had. It still hurts, thinking about him like this. Tentomon was always there to attempt to open me up, to make me to see a world beyond my laptop. I never admitted it to myself, or my friends, but without him I'd have lost this battle already.
Then again, perhaps it would have been better if I had never met him. It's an astronomically depressing thought, but the logic and truth ring out in it. Before I met him, I would have had nothing to haunt me in these last moments of my life. Now, as I pressed the steel against my wrist harder, drawing a little blood, the memories flashed through my mind of the Digiworld and all it meant to me. I just couldn't stop my hand from trembling. The memories of friends, a time when I was not so much alone as I know thought to be, made it incredibally hard to even think of going through with this procedure.
Procedure.. how cold. I make it sound like I'm implying this is merely some experiment that I can easily shrug off. But there's no coming back after this, no regret time. Slit the wrist, the blood drains out, and your body slowly fails. Simple as that. There's no mystery in this.
There's pain, though. Obviously, there's going to be pain. It's improbable there wouldn't be.
My tears burn my eyes like someone's scratching them out, and I suppose it's a feeling I should be used to by now. Hypothetically, once I do this, put this razor into my viens, let the blood out, there should be no pain after that. If you're dead, there can be no pain. Dead nerve endings.
I make it sound so easy. I need something, and I can't get it, so I'm going to take the easy way out. Why am I not surprised?
I'm not strong. Not like the others. Not like them. Not like Tai. Tai was always the brave, courageous leader, not me. I did the planning, the thinking, he did the rest. Back in the Digital world, it had almost seemed as if he thought of me as an equal sometimes. They needed me there, Tai needed me. But things were different now.
No. I'm not strong like Taichi. I'm not protective like Matt, or caring like Sora. I don't tell the truth like Mimi, no matter how dumb the truth is. I've never been sweet like Kari, the child of light, or hopeful and full of life like TK, Matt's adorable little brother. I'm not as responsible as Joe, not really.
They all have strengths, and I only have a laptop- what a bittersweet thought that is. There's nothing special at all about me. Nothing at all.
Yet, even as I thought it painfully, a strong cry in my mind forced it's way back, bringing me a memory from what seemed to be years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
The fire that Agumon had created that night before crackled lightly in the darkness, spreading warmth upon the sleeping members of the Digidestined and their Digimon. The sky was like an endless ink stain, no stars in sight, no moon to shine.
The sound of clicking and soft breathing were the only things heard. Koushiro glanced up from his work only for an instant at the sound of a cracking twig, before pausing and bending back down over the lightened screen and the keys of his laptop. His dark eyes reflected the words on the screen, and the light made his hair seem like it was glowing.
"You know... you look really freaky right now, Izzy."
Izzy jerked and looked up in surprise, his gaze settling on a figure laying on a rock near him. "Tai?"
"Yeah." Tai yawned and stretched, his arms above his head, before sitting up. His face was flushed in the firelight. "Who else would it be? Santa Claus?"
"Mmm," Izzy replied non commitantly, giving a small smile. "Shouldn't you be asleep? We've got a long walk ahead of us tomorrow, and you do not want to exhaust your energy supply, you know."
Tai laughed. "And let you work on your computer, not even noticing I was awake? Heck, Kuwagamon would have us in five seconds and you'd still be playing on the piece of junk."
Izzy felt a sharp wince of pain inside of him, but kept his face placid. "I'm trying to find a way to get us home, Tai. Do you think I just play around on this computer?"
"I think you spend to much time on it."
Izzy tensed, and shook his head. "Would you rather we stayed here forever?"
"I'd irather/i we didn't, but I'd also irather/i you'd stop with the typing and let everyone have some sleep!" he snapped.
"I-"
"And most of all- I'd irather/i you didn't almost kill yourself of exhaustion every stupid night on that thing!"
Izzy looked up in shock, trying to hide the surprise that flittered across his face. Tried to hold back the words: 'What do you care?'
Instead, he took a deep breath, and remained calm. "Tai... I'm fine. I'm sorry if my working has disturbed you in your sleep and that's why you're awake, but what I'm doing is for all our own goods. You want a way home, or do you want to be stuck here in a world of monsters forever?"
Tai's anger died almost as quickly as it began. "No..." he said quietly. "I want to go home." He hesitated. "But I want to keep us all together too. You've been.. I dunno... spacey lately."
Izzy raised an eyebrow. He hadn't realized anyone had noticed. "I'm... just busy thinking on ways to get us home, Tai."
"Uh-huh. You think to much."
Izzy looked at him, and for a second Tai could have sworn he saw tears fighting their way to the young boy's wide eyes. "What else could I do?" he said simply.
Tai blinked, and lowered his head thoughtfully, seeing the young genius's point. "You think you're not good for anything else?" he asked.
Izzy shrugged. "It's a fact- I'm here because you need someone who will analyse the data. Give you the answers. Solve the puzzles. Was there any doubt? I've got the Crest of Knowledge, don't I?" He looked away, fighting the bittersweet pain that was throbbing in his chest.
Tai sighed. "You know when Sora was taken by Datamon? How I couldn't move? I was frozen- scared, Iz- me. The Crest of Courage guy. Did I live up to my Crest then?"
Izzy frowned. "What are you saying? That our crests don't reflect our personalities at times?"
"Yeah, something like that. They're us, but that doesn't mean we have to become them. We can't be perfect, man. We can't always live up to it all." Tai's quiet voice faded out momentarily.
Izzy stared intently down at the computer screen. "What am I to you, Tai?" he asked softly, his heart beating swiftly. He wanted to know- he had to know. Was he one of them?
"Duh, Izzy, for a smart guy you're an idiot sometimes," Tai said scornfully. Then his face relaxed into something of a soft smile as his brown eyes studied the short red head boy. "You're my friend."
Tai paused. "My way to smart friend who can't speak English most of the time, but still my friend." He laughed.
Izzy smiled back, for once he forgot about his computer and the weight of depression that was tauntingly hitting his shoulders.
And all he did was laugh with Tai, their voices hushed and full, blending together and filling the night by the firelight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd almost forgotten that night, when we stayed up and talked in low tones. We didn't even wake anyone up for the next watch. It was just us, laughing and talking like any regular kids. I loved that feeling.
I miss them so much.
I have to lean against the sink, the porcelian cold against my skin. I feel so tired, because there hasn't been any rest for me for months. I am exhausted, physically and mentally, a deadly combination. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My wrists are starting to ache, although I can't tell if it is from the cuts that cross it, where the blood's already starting to dry, and the pain is returning, or if it's just because I've held them in this position for the last half hour.
Breathing deeply, I close my eyes. I have to do this. It's correct that most of this is all my fault, but that doesn't mean I can indulge in self pity. Tonight I wanted to end it all.
Didn't I?
It had taken a while for the true depression to finally kick in, and delve itself into my phsyce. I think it all started on a normal Friday afternoon, after school.
I start to cry just remembering. Remembering and hating every bit of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
Izzy ignored the loud laughter and sounds of slammed lockers that surrounded him in the hall way. It was only routine- the usual amount of verbal junk that clogged the school system. A couple of older kids were talking about last night's soccer game, one that Izzy had went to, but only because Tai and Sora were playing. He listened to a few words of that, before tuning it out in faint disgust as it turned to a jock's date.
Grabbing his books, he closed his own locker slowly, lost in thought. With the absentminded look still in his eyes, he walked down the halls as they emptied.
He'd tried to talk to Joe today, but for some reason he hadn't been at school. He hoped he was okay- even though they had grown farther apart, more than ever, he was still his friend. Wasn't he? Nothing could change that...
He turned a corner.
"Watch where you're going, you idiot!"
Izzy let out a slight gasp as he plowed right into a hard, solid chest.
One belonging to a very, very tall and muscular boy.
"What were you doing, geek?!" snapped the angry jock, his sharp blue eyes narrowing. His black hair was messed up from practice, and he was wearing a faded jersey. Izzy gulped inwardly, and stepped back a few steps more, intimidated. He didn't want another fight...
"I am very sorry- I apologive immensely... I didn't see you there," he said lamely, feeling a dark, tight fear rising in his chest. He'd been down this road before- it always meant he'd be going home with another black eye.
"Sorry don't count for nothin'." The boy's eyes glittered dangerously, and he clenched a fist. "You know, it's freaks like you that make this world so damn screwed up."
Izzy felt his mouth go dry. "I-I.." He looked around desperatly, his eyes scanning the empty hallway for anything- a teacher, a student, the principal. About now, anything would seem good.
"I am really sorry... but you do know that if... you beat me up.. that... um..." Izzy stammered helplessly, trying to think of a way out of this. Quickly, automatic words came out of his mouth. "My friends will not like it very much."
"Who are they?" scoffed the boy, taking a large hand and placing it lightly on Izzy's chest. "The computer geeks?" Then he shoved. Hard.
Izzy flinched as he was reeled back, crashing into a locker painfully. "N-no..." The boy moved closer, fist clenched and face cold, smirking. "They're not into computers. They aren't geeks, either."
The boy laughed. "Sure... your imaginary friends are going to get even with me? Whatever, kid." He grabbed Izzy's shirt and pulled hard until Izzy was looking up at him, wincing. "What kind of idiots would want to hang around you?"
Izzy felt tears burn in his eyes, hot. "Shut up! And stop picking on me, you jerk!" He glared at the older boy, feeling a weird strength swell up inside of him. The courage, that for once, this wasn't going to end the same way. He had friends! They cared about him! How dare he...
"WHAT did you say?" the boy demanded, his eyes glittering dangerously.
"Leave me alone," he whispered, emphasising on 'alone'. "You have no right to be so angry at me for such a small, unimportant factor. Your muscle system may be better functioning and more capable of fighting than mine, but it's obvious your mental condition is somewhat cracked to the point where you'll throw yourself at any small unsuspected person just to prove that there is something that contradicts the idiocy. And it's not going to be me. So stuff the act, and go away!" Izzy's breathing had quickened, his heart beat rapid and strained at the angry, passionate speech. If he'd been listening to himself, he would have been amazed at the cold certainty and spite that layered just under the words' surface.
He'd been down this road to many times.
"Just for that, I'm not gonna let you off easy..." the jock said softly, his eyes dark with something Izzy couldn't recognize. Whatever it was... it scared him.
Izzy let out a short gasp and cry of pain as his fist slammed far into his stomach, making him double up. He numbly realized that his books and everything had fallen with a sharp resonding snap on the cold school tiles, the bright squares showing up against the white. He was numbly aware that for some reason he was on his knees, holding his face now...
Blood dripping through his fingers. His face- explosions of pain...
Izzy wasn't sure how long it was, or what exacty happened. He remembered... pain. Worse than he'd felt in a long time. Something wet was all over his face and his arms. His stomach hurt, ached, screamed with his wailing ribs. It was pure agony- and it wouldn't stop- he was down, down on the floor, on the white tiles, but everything was swirling around like in one of those kalidoscopes he had as a kid that he took apart to figure out. The world was twirling before his eyes, fading in and out, except for the floor and the pain. The pain that wouldn't stop, no matter how much he thought it would, that just kept going on forever, never letting up.
Only vaguelly realizing something was wrong when he saw the white tiles a discoloured black red, when there should have been pure white. Felt sharp, horrible, terrible pain in my head, jolting him.
Then, everything went black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They found me in the hall, unconscience, still being kicked by him. He was in a state of furious rage, they told me later. If they hadn't found me...
I would not have to consider what I should do to end my life.
I was in the hospital for a couple days, with broken ribs and a broken arm, my head a messy concussion, and enough cuts and bruises to keep the jocks off of me for months. I was never exactly informed on what happened to that student. I never learned his name even. But I never saw him again, along with the remaining students at high school. Like a spector or a phantom, he faded into thin air, leaving only a scared, horrible memory of coldness and chill and sinister lurking. Like a story told to frighten children when their asleep.
His name doesn't matter. What mattered, was that he was one of Tai's very good friends. Had I known that, maybe things would have been different. Maybe not. Predictions are difficult to make in the affairs of human emotion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
"I can't believe you, Izzy!" Tai yelled, his face contorted in anger. "What did you DO?!"
Koushiro looked at his friend with desperate eyes. "Tai, I didn't do anything! He was trying to provoke a fight, and-"
"Don't give me that, he wouldn't do that. Travis was a great guy, he's not some stupid bully!" Tai argued, glaring with usually friendly brown eyes. Izzy's head was swirling, and he felt confused and hurt at the same time. He still wasn't feeling well from the episode, his head still tender and his bruises still easily seen on his skin. His mother and father had been treating him like something fragile that would break any moment, as if he were a delicate piece of china about to break at the slightest breath.
He wasn't so sure he wouldn't break either. Not with the amount of anger on Tai's face at the moment.
"Tai, Tai, it wasn't my fault- I didn't do anything except run into him, that's all, and he decided to pick a fight..." Izzy trailed off, his voice trembling in rage and pain. "What else would I possible be able to do to make him so angry? It's foolish to think-"
"Are you calling me stupid?!" snapped Tai. "Okay, that's it, Izzy. I can't believe you! I'll go ask Travis myself what happened!" He whirled suddenly, and walked off coldly, clearly turning his back to the shocked fiery haired child, unprepared for this.
"Tai.. Tai..."
Izzy closed his burning eyes that threatened to spill tears. "Please, you've got to believe me..."
It was no use. The boy had already gone, and Izzy was alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hated it. That feeling, so emmensily hurtful, killed me inside. Tai ignored me from then on, never speaking to me, always looking away. It hurt worse than when he was angry at me. I never did figure out what Tai found out from Travis, but whatever it was it drove off one of my best friends forever.
It was a far worse pain than the beating I had taken indirectly for them.
I'm sure everyone in school heard about what happened. In fact, they must have, what with our current 'grapevine'. No one asked about it, but I was given cold stares in the hallways, from students I barely knew. It came to be that I was so frightened by some of the threats I was recieving, that I actually faked illness, and resigned myself to staying home all day rather than face them.
Slowly, I believe the depression started to formulate. I would barely eat, sometimes sleeping for the entire day without rising once to do any sort of activity that required movement. I had a new habit of ignoring everyone, no matter their intentions. And.... and then there was the cutting.
It all started so fast. It was addictive- one slice and the physical pain washed out your emotions. Punishment. For being such a lousy lifeform on this stupid planet.
Now, I was to the ultimate point. Ready to be pushed, just teetering on the edge, I was standing here with a razor blade. I could do it any minute. Any nanosecond.
And yet I still couldn't do it.
I thought of the hatred on Tai's face. The loneliness I went through every night, miserable torturous dreams. I thought of the kids at school, uncaring and cold, and how none of my friends knew I was alive anyway.
And Tentomon was in a place I could never reach ever again.
There was nothing left for me here.
It was there that I found my final conviction, and pressed the razor blade to my skin tightly, watching in morbid facination as the steel cut through...
It was time. No one would miss me.
Just a little deeper.
No more pain, Koushiro.
Just think.... no more pain... no more pain...
Eternity must be a joyful place.
I can't wait to be there. No more pain.
Just... a little.... deeper...
Then, without warning, I was interrupted by the banging of a door. Freezing, I held my breath, dizzy with loss of blood, but still no where near death. No! Not when I was so close... not when I had finally brought up the courage to do it... not now...
The mysterious person paused before banging on the door.
I had failed to latch it.
The door swung open-
"Hey, Izzy, the front door was unlocked, so I just thought I'd-" A long pause. I stared in shock, fear, and humiliation from my collapsed position on the floor. The razor fallen by my side, forgotten momentarily. My arms bared, the scars easily seen, to vividly seen, the blood running down my arms in little currents. The wound in my wrist- not fatal, but something that should require medical attention soon. My soul, my pain's work, finally uncovered.
"I...I..." I stammered weakly.
"Oh my God... Izzy..."
Taichi Kamiya stared down at me in horror from the doorway.
I did the only rational thing to do.
I burst into tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO BE CONTINUED.... ^_^ BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Cliffhanger!!! I'll have part three, the last part to this by the way, out here soon I hope. I cried when I wrote this- cause I looooove my Koushiro-sama.... ::sniffs:: My poor angel... all alone... hurting himself... Anyway, review and tell me just HOW soon you want the last part! (Yes, I am bribing you- got a problem with that?) ;) J/K I hope everyone liked it... I hope... Er... I hope a lot of things... I hope I win the lottery. I hope we get some rain here soon. I hope someday I'll own all Bill Gate's money and can take over Digimon the show and HB....
Disclaimer: I haven't owned Digimon, so the chances of me now owning them aren't that good, now are they? ^_^
Notes: PART TWO!! YAAAAYYY!!! Contains violence... blood.. stuff... ^_^;;; My poor Koushiro....
Part Two:
I can remember quite easily the first time I met the rest of the Digidestined at summer camp. My first impression was mistrust, wary caution. I wasn't exactly open to the idea of conversing with some of my fellow cabin mates. They didn't know me very well- knew me well enough, I suppose, that they labeled me a computer geek. Always on the Internet, always thinking, observing. They were correct on that assumption. It took longer, much longer, far into the Digital World, before they saw something beyond that image.
I'm still not absolutely sure what it is they saw.
In many ways, the Digital world was extremely better than the real world. It was there that I found Tentomon, the first real friend I've ever had. It still hurts, thinking about him like this. Tentomon was always there to attempt to open me up, to make me to see a world beyond my laptop. I never admitted it to myself, or my friends, but without him I'd have lost this battle already.
Then again, perhaps it would have been better if I had never met him. It's an astronomically depressing thought, but the logic and truth ring out in it. Before I met him, I would have had nothing to haunt me in these last moments of my life. Now, as I pressed the steel against my wrist harder, drawing a little blood, the memories flashed through my mind of the Digiworld and all it meant to me. I just couldn't stop my hand from trembling. The memories of friends, a time when I was not so much alone as I know thought to be, made it incredibally hard to even think of going through with this procedure.
Procedure.. how cold. I make it sound like I'm implying this is merely some experiment that I can easily shrug off. But there's no coming back after this, no regret time. Slit the wrist, the blood drains out, and your body slowly fails. Simple as that. There's no mystery in this.
There's pain, though. Obviously, there's going to be pain. It's improbable there wouldn't be.
My tears burn my eyes like someone's scratching them out, and I suppose it's a feeling I should be used to by now. Hypothetically, once I do this, put this razor into my viens, let the blood out, there should be no pain after that. If you're dead, there can be no pain. Dead nerve endings.
I make it sound so easy. I need something, and I can't get it, so I'm going to take the easy way out. Why am I not surprised?
I'm not strong. Not like the others. Not like them. Not like Tai. Tai was always the brave, courageous leader, not me. I did the planning, the thinking, he did the rest. Back in the Digital world, it had almost seemed as if he thought of me as an equal sometimes. They needed me there, Tai needed me. But things were different now.
No. I'm not strong like Taichi. I'm not protective like Matt, or caring like Sora. I don't tell the truth like Mimi, no matter how dumb the truth is. I've never been sweet like Kari, the child of light, or hopeful and full of life like TK, Matt's adorable little brother. I'm not as responsible as Joe, not really.
They all have strengths, and I only have a laptop- what a bittersweet thought that is. There's nothing special at all about me. Nothing at all.
Yet, even as I thought it painfully, a strong cry in my mind forced it's way back, bringing me a memory from what seemed to be years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
The fire that Agumon had created that night before crackled lightly in the darkness, spreading warmth upon the sleeping members of the Digidestined and their Digimon. The sky was like an endless ink stain, no stars in sight, no moon to shine.
The sound of clicking and soft breathing were the only things heard. Koushiro glanced up from his work only for an instant at the sound of a cracking twig, before pausing and bending back down over the lightened screen and the keys of his laptop. His dark eyes reflected the words on the screen, and the light made his hair seem like it was glowing.
"You know... you look really freaky right now, Izzy."
Izzy jerked and looked up in surprise, his gaze settling on a figure laying on a rock near him. "Tai?"
"Yeah." Tai yawned and stretched, his arms above his head, before sitting up. His face was flushed in the firelight. "Who else would it be? Santa Claus?"
"Mmm," Izzy replied non commitantly, giving a small smile. "Shouldn't you be asleep? We've got a long walk ahead of us tomorrow, and you do not want to exhaust your energy supply, you know."
Tai laughed. "And let you work on your computer, not even noticing I was awake? Heck, Kuwagamon would have us in five seconds and you'd still be playing on the piece of junk."
Izzy felt a sharp wince of pain inside of him, but kept his face placid. "I'm trying to find a way to get us home, Tai. Do you think I just play around on this computer?"
"I think you spend to much time on it."
Izzy tensed, and shook his head. "Would you rather we stayed here forever?"
"I'd irather/i we didn't, but I'd also irather/i you'd stop with the typing and let everyone have some sleep!" he snapped.
"I-"
"And most of all- I'd irather/i you didn't almost kill yourself of exhaustion every stupid night on that thing!"
Izzy looked up in shock, trying to hide the surprise that flittered across his face. Tried to hold back the words: 'What do you care?'
Instead, he took a deep breath, and remained calm. "Tai... I'm fine. I'm sorry if my working has disturbed you in your sleep and that's why you're awake, but what I'm doing is for all our own goods. You want a way home, or do you want to be stuck here in a world of monsters forever?"
Tai's anger died almost as quickly as it began. "No..." he said quietly. "I want to go home." He hesitated. "But I want to keep us all together too. You've been.. I dunno... spacey lately."
Izzy raised an eyebrow. He hadn't realized anyone had noticed. "I'm... just busy thinking on ways to get us home, Tai."
"Uh-huh. You think to much."
Izzy looked at him, and for a second Tai could have sworn he saw tears fighting their way to the young boy's wide eyes. "What else could I do?" he said simply.
Tai blinked, and lowered his head thoughtfully, seeing the young genius's point. "You think you're not good for anything else?" he asked.
Izzy shrugged. "It's a fact- I'm here because you need someone who will analyse the data. Give you the answers. Solve the puzzles. Was there any doubt? I've got the Crest of Knowledge, don't I?" He looked away, fighting the bittersweet pain that was throbbing in his chest.
Tai sighed. "You know when Sora was taken by Datamon? How I couldn't move? I was frozen- scared, Iz- me. The Crest of Courage guy. Did I live up to my Crest then?"
Izzy frowned. "What are you saying? That our crests don't reflect our personalities at times?"
"Yeah, something like that. They're us, but that doesn't mean we have to become them. We can't be perfect, man. We can't always live up to it all." Tai's quiet voice faded out momentarily.
Izzy stared intently down at the computer screen. "What am I to you, Tai?" he asked softly, his heart beating swiftly. He wanted to know- he had to know. Was he one of them?
"Duh, Izzy, for a smart guy you're an idiot sometimes," Tai said scornfully. Then his face relaxed into something of a soft smile as his brown eyes studied the short red head boy. "You're my friend."
Tai paused. "My way to smart friend who can't speak English most of the time, but still my friend." He laughed.
Izzy smiled back, for once he forgot about his computer and the weight of depression that was tauntingly hitting his shoulders.
And all he did was laugh with Tai, their voices hushed and full, blending together and filling the night by the firelight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd almost forgotten that night, when we stayed up and talked in low tones. We didn't even wake anyone up for the next watch. It was just us, laughing and talking like any regular kids. I loved that feeling.
I miss them so much.
I have to lean against the sink, the porcelian cold against my skin. I feel so tired, because there hasn't been any rest for me for months. I am exhausted, physically and mentally, a deadly combination. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My wrists are starting to ache, although I can't tell if it is from the cuts that cross it, where the blood's already starting to dry, and the pain is returning, or if it's just because I've held them in this position for the last half hour.
Breathing deeply, I close my eyes. I have to do this. It's correct that most of this is all my fault, but that doesn't mean I can indulge in self pity. Tonight I wanted to end it all.
Didn't I?
It had taken a while for the true depression to finally kick in, and delve itself into my phsyce. I think it all started on a normal Friday afternoon, after school.
I start to cry just remembering. Remembering and hating every bit of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
Izzy ignored the loud laughter and sounds of slammed lockers that surrounded him in the hall way. It was only routine- the usual amount of verbal junk that clogged the school system. A couple of older kids were talking about last night's soccer game, one that Izzy had went to, but only because Tai and Sora were playing. He listened to a few words of that, before tuning it out in faint disgust as it turned to a jock's date.
Grabbing his books, he closed his own locker slowly, lost in thought. With the absentminded look still in his eyes, he walked down the halls as they emptied.
He'd tried to talk to Joe today, but for some reason he hadn't been at school. He hoped he was okay- even though they had grown farther apart, more than ever, he was still his friend. Wasn't he? Nothing could change that...
He turned a corner.
"Watch where you're going, you idiot!"
Izzy let out a slight gasp as he plowed right into a hard, solid chest.
One belonging to a very, very tall and muscular boy.
"What were you doing, geek?!" snapped the angry jock, his sharp blue eyes narrowing. His black hair was messed up from practice, and he was wearing a faded jersey. Izzy gulped inwardly, and stepped back a few steps more, intimidated. He didn't want another fight...
"I am very sorry- I apologive immensely... I didn't see you there," he said lamely, feeling a dark, tight fear rising in his chest. He'd been down this road before- it always meant he'd be going home with another black eye.
"Sorry don't count for nothin'." The boy's eyes glittered dangerously, and he clenched a fist. "You know, it's freaks like you that make this world so damn screwed up."
Izzy felt his mouth go dry. "I-I.." He looked around desperatly, his eyes scanning the empty hallway for anything- a teacher, a student, the principal. About now, anything would seem good.
"I am really sorry... but you do know that if... you beat me up.. that... um..." Izzy stammered helplessly, trying to think of a way out of this. Quickly, automatic words came out of his mouth. "My friends will not like it very much."
"Who are they?" scoffed the boy, taking a large hand and placing it lightly on Izzy's chest. "The computer geeks?" Then he shoved. Hard.
Izzy flinched as he was reeled back, crashing into a locker painfully. "N-no..." The boy moved closer, fist clenched and face cold, smirking. "They're not into computers. They aren't geeks, either."
The boy laughed. "Sure... your imaginary friends are going to get even with me? Whatever, kid." He grabbed Izzy's shirt and pulled hard until Izzy was looking up at him, wincing. "What kind of idiots would want to hang around you?"
Izzy felt tears burn in his eyes, hot. "Shut up! And stop picking on me, you jerk!" He glared at the older boy, feeling a weird strength swell up inside of him. The courage, that for once, this wasn't going to end the same way. He had friends! They cared about him! How dare he...
"WHAT did you say?" the boy demanded, his eyes glittering dangerously.
"Leave me alone," he whispered, emphasising on 'alone'. "You have no right to be so angry at me for such a small, unimportant factor. Your muscle system may be better functioning and more capable of fighting than mine, but it's obvious your mental condition is somewhat cracked to the point where you'll throw yourself at any small unsuspected person just to prove that there is something that contradicts the idiocy. And it's not going to be me. So stuff the act, and go away!" Izzy's breathing had quickened, his heart beat rapid and strained at the angry, passionate speech. If he'd been listening to himself, he would have been amazed at the cold certainty and spite that layered just under the words' surface.
He'd been down this road to many times.
"Just for that, I'm not gonna let you off easy..." the jock said softly, his eyes dark with something Izzy couldn't recognize. Whatever it was... it scared him.
Izzy let out a short gasp and cry of pain as his fist slammed far into his stomach, making him double up. He numbly realized that his books and everything had fallen with a sharp resonding snap on the cold school tiles, the bright squares showing up against the white. He was numbly aware that for some reason he was on his knees, holding his face now...
Blood dripping through his fingers. His face- explosions of pain...
Izzy wasn't sure how long it was, or what exacty happened. He remembered... pain. Worse than he'd felt in a long time. Something wet was all over his face and his arms. His stomach hurt, ached, screamed with his wailing ribs. It was pure agony- and it wouldn't stop- he was down, down on the floor, on the white tiles, but everything was swirling around like in one of those kalidoscopes he had as a kid that he took apart to figure out. The world was twirling before his eyes, fading in and out, except for the floor and the pain. The pain that wouldn't stop, no matter how much he thought it would, that just kept going on forever, never letting up.
Only vaguelly realizing something was wrong when he saw the white tiles a discoloured black red, when there should have been pure white. Felt sharp, horrible, terrible pain in my head, jolting him.
Then, everything went black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They found me in the hall, unconscience, still being kicked by him. He was in a state of furious rage, they told me later. If they hadn't found me...
I would not have to consider what I should do to end my life.
I was in the hospital for a couple days, with broken ribs and a broken arm, my head a messy concussion, and enough cuts and bruises to keep the jocks off of me for months. I was never exactly informed on what happened to that student. I never learned his name even. But I never saw him again, along with the remaining students at high school. Like a spector or a phantom, he faded into thin air, leaving only a scared, horrible memory of coldness and chill and sinister lurking. Like a story told to frighten children when their asleep.
His name doesn't matter. What mattered, was that he was one of Tai's very good friends. Had I known that, maybe things would have been different. Maybe not. Predictions are difficult to make in the affairs of human emotion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
"I can't believe you, Izzy!" Tai yelled, his face contorted in anger. "What did you DO?!"
Koushiro looked at his friend with desperate eyes. "Tai, I didn't do anything! He was trying to provoke a fight, and-"
"Don't give me that, he wouldn't do that. Travis was a great guy, he's not some stupid bully!" Tai argued, glaring with usually friendly brown eyes. Izzy's head was swirling, and he felt confused and hurt at the same time. He still wasn't feeling well from the episode, his head still tender and his bruises still easily seen on his skin. His mother and father had been treating him like something fragile that would break any moment, as if he were a delicate piece of china about to break at the slightest breath.
He wasn't so sure he wouldn't break either. Not with the amount of anger on Tai's face at the moment.
"Tai, Tai, it wasn't my fault- I didn't do anything except run into him, that's all, and he decided to pick a fight..." Izzy trailed off, his voice trembling in rage and pain. "What else would I possible be able to do to make him so angry? It's foolish to think-"
"Are you calling me stupid?!" snapped Tai. "Okay, that's it, Izzy. I can't believe you! I'll go ask Travis myself what happened!" He whirled suddenly, and walked off coldly, clearly turning his back to the shocked fiery haired child, unprepared for this.
"Tai.. Tai..."
Izzy closed his burning eyes that threatened to spill tears. "Please, you've got to believe me..."
It was no use. The boy had already gone, and Izzy was alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hated it. That feeling, so emmensily hurtful, killed me inside. Tai ignored me from then on, never speaking to me, always looking away. It hurt worse than when he was angry at me. I never did figure out what Tai found out from Travis, but whatever it was it drove off one of my best friends forever.
It was a far worse pain than the beating I had taken indirectly for them.
I'm sure everyone in school heard about what happened. In fact, they must have, what with our current 'grapevine'. No one asked about it, but I was given cold stares in the hallways, from students I barely knew. It came to be that I was so frightened by some of the threats I was recieving, that I actually faked illness, and resigned myself to staying home all day rather than face them.
Slowly, I believe the depression started to formulate. I would barely eat, sometimes sleeping for the entire day without rising once to do any sort of activity that required movement. I had a new habit of ignoring everyone, no matter their intentions. And.... and then there was the cutting.
It all started so fast. It was addictive- one slice and the physical pain washed out your emotions. Punishment. For being such a lousy lifeform on this stupid planet.
Now, I was to the ultimate point. Ready to be pushed, just teetering on the edge, I was standing here with a razor blade. I could do it any minute. Any nanosecond.
And yet I still couldn't do it.
I thought of the hatred on Tai's face. The loneliness I went through every night, miserable torturous dreams. I thought of the kids at school, uncaring and cold, and how none of my friends knew I was alive anyway.
And Tentomon was in a place I could never reach ever again.
There was nothing left for me here.
It was there that I found my final conviction, and pressed the razor blade to my skin tightly, watching in morbid facination as the steel cut through...
It was time. No one would miss me.
Just a little deeper.
No more pain, Koushiro.
Just think.... no more pain... no more pain...
Eternity must be a joyful place.
I can't wait to be there. No more pain.
Just... a little.... deeper...
Then, without warning, I was interrupted by the banging of a door. Freezing, I held my breath, dizzy with loss of blood, but still no where near death. No! Not when I was so close... not when I had finally brought up the courage to do it... not now...
The mysterious person paused before banging on the door.
I had failed to latch it.
The door swung open-
"Hey, Izzy, the front door was unlocked, so I just thought I'd-" A long pause. I stared in shock, fear, and humiliation from my collapsed position on the floor. The razor fallen by my side, forgotten momentarily. My arms bared, the scars easily seen, to vividly seen, the blood running down my arms in little currents. The wound in my wrist- not fatal, but something that should require medical attention soon. My soul, my pain's work, finally uncovered.
"I...I..." I stammered weakly.
"Oh my God... Izzy..."
Taichi Kamiya stared down at me in horror from the doorway.
I did the only rational thing to do.
I burst into tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO BE CONTINUED.... ^_^ BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Cliffhanger!!! I'll have part three, the last part to this by the way, out here soon I hope. I cried when I wrote this- cause I looooove my Koushiro-sama.... ::sniffs:: My poor angel... all alone... hurting himself... Anyway, review and tell me just HOW soon you want the last part! (Yes, I am bribing you- got a problem with that?) ;) J/K I hope everyone liked it... I hope... Er... I hope a lot of things... I hope I win the lottery. I hope we get some rain here soon. I hope someday I'll own all Bill Gate's money and can take over Digimon the show and HB....