Dry These Tears: Part Three
By Kay
Disclaimer: Don't own Digimon. But someday... someday...
Daisuke: Another world domination plan?
Kay: Again? Nah. I'm goin' for the universe this time.
Author's Notes: Part Three! Last part! WHOO-HOOOO!!! Enjoy!!!! Many people wanted me to make this Taishiro... ::sniffs:: Sorry... but... I couldn't do it! I had enough reasons to want Izzy to kill himself without yaoi getting involved. Don't worry. I'm working on one now to appease you Taishiro fans...
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Part Three:
Once, when I was extremely young, I recall my father saying something once while we were eating at the dining table, attempting to make normal conversation after the Digital World episodes. Even though he perhaps hadn't meant it as anything profound, it struck a chord deep inside.
Every so often in your life, something incredibally ironic will happen to you. When it does, you can either ignore it completely, or meet it head on and confront it.
So, sitting here on the tiles, my wrist's slashed, and my once-friend Taichi Kamiya looking down at me in disbelief and shock, the irony of the boy who hated me most saving me from myself, and the unhappiness of my life all mixed in together, I do the only possible thing.
I burst into tears, unable to conceive what had just happened. I was so close... so very close...
Another cruel twist of fate.
By now, Tai had absolutely no idea what was happening. Through my tears and pain, I knew he was still standing there in shock, staring at me. At the blood. At what I'd been so close to accomplishing. It hurt to still be here-- hurt even worse to know that my chance was gone forever. I'd never have another moment alone, knowing my parents.
Never... again...
Then came the anger.
What right did he have to stop it?! He was the cause- wasn't he- all along. He accused me, ignored me, hurt me, that was one of the many reasons I was driven to these measures! How many nights had I agonized over every thing I've done in my life?! Only to be stopped like this! To be humiliated again?
Tears blinding my eyes, my body trembling from blood loss and my sobs, I fumble around for something-- anything-- on the tiled floor.
"I-Izzy, oh god... are you alright...?" Taichi's horrified voice gasped. He enters, leaving the door open behind him.
Did I LOOK alright?!
"GO AWAY!" I hurled the razor at him, anguished and now mad. A red hot anger, cold despair, was clutched at me. The razor hit the wall as he ducked, yelping.
"Whoa! Hey- Izzy-"
"Get OUT!"
"Wha?"
I stumbled up on one knee and grabbed a brush, throwing it at him without any idea of where it was going. "GO, TAI! GET OUT OF HERE!" Shouting, at him, at everything, at the damn world.
"Izzy... it's me..."
I threw the toothbrush container at him, as he ducked again, shocked and surprised at the hurtling objects. The container shattered against the wall, raining pieces of porcelain on Tai's jacket. He winced. It would have been almost humourous if not for the circumstances. "Damn you! Get OUT!"
"Y-you need help-"
"I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP!" I hissed, wiping away my tears from my dark eyes and looked for something else to throw. Found the soap. Threw that.
"Ow! Hey--cut it out!"
Just keep him away, make him go away, just make him go away...
"IZZY!" By now, I think he was starting to come out of his shock and realize the full serious gravity of this situation. "Izzy, stop it, you're going to hurt yourself!"
"T-that's what I WANT!" I half sob, half scream at him. I can't see anymore through the bitter hot waterfall of tears cassading down my face. I sink down again to my knees, weeping. "Th-that's... what..."
Suddenly, even as I was about to throw something that felt a lot like Mom's hairdryer, I felt strong, firm arms grab my wrist and jerk it away. Struggling, I pushed against whoever held me.
"Let me g-go! L-let me GO!" It took me a moment to realize that I was hitting something, over and over, not letting up even when my hands hurt more than I thought possible, my wrists aching terribly, I just kept hitting. Hurt it all back, don't... don't...
What was I doing?
"Shhh...." Arms grabbed my hands gently, stopping their tirade. "It's okay... Izzy... it's going to be okay..." Tai.
"I-I... oh god..." I burst into a fresh round of tears, and fell against the older boy, crying into his chest. "Oh god..." Exhausted, my entire body aching, I'm only dimly aware that he's holding me now, pressing his hands into my wrists.
"I've got to stop the bleeding," he murmers. I only nod in a daze, confused beyond the point of reasoning.
"...Tai?"
"Yeah?" He sounds so worried and scared... why?
"Why... are you... here...?"
I finally open my eyes and look up into his face. His eyes are dark, almost like he's about to burst into tears himself.
I'm so tired...
"I'm here because I-I needed to apologize," he says quietly. "But... it looks like I'm to late."
"Why?" I fight the overwhelming urge to pass out. The whole evening had left me drained, of blood and of energy.
"Because I was wrong." I felt tears slide down my face- not my own.
Was Tai crying?
"W-wrong...?"
"Just... just hold on, Izzy. I'm calling for help. Just hold on." I feel his arms lift me up. I guess I hadn't realized how light I was. I would have thought it impossible, even though Tai was strong...
I can tell he's carrying me somewhere. The next thing I feel is him laying me on something soft... the couch, I think...
Small beeps. Pauses.
Blacking out, I can only catch a few of his words as I sink into welcoming darkness.
"Hello? This is Taichi Kamiya... I have an emergency..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the rest of my life, I would remember that night with a painful clarity that amazed me. Every drop of blood is stark red in my memory, the tiles that perfect off white, the razor glinting at the edge. Especially the dark sadness and guilt that had burned in Taichi's eyes.
I would always remember that.
In my final moments of my life, or what I thought would be my final moments, it was the most clear and obvious thing in the universe to me.
Tai... my old friend, my leader... who helped us through the Digiworld and faced every odd without remourse and with an astonishing courage...
Tai was sorry.
Years later, it still made me laugh, though I was never sure whether it was a bitter one or one of affection. He was my friend, but things would never be the same. Even with that regret that seemed to flood through him, it was far to late to be sorry. To late, to long gone, to far down the road to come all the way back up. No matter how far I walked.
Yes, I did say "years later".
I only know what my parents and my doctor told me-- I know very well that they may have chosen not to reveal certain parts of it. Suicide is an ugly diagnosis-- uglier when you've survived even.
They told me I almost lost to much blood, and any longer and I may have lost enough to do fatal damage. Taichi had came just in the nick of time, to save me from myself and what I was doing. The wrist wounds would heal, although the physical and mental scars would only fade slightly. I had been in the hospital for a day or so before I finally woke up from my unconscience state when they told me all of this. I wasn't ready to hear about the rest of my life. I wasn't ready to hear that I actually had a future.
So I closed myself up.
There is a difference between this and what I did in the Digital world. An astronomical difference. In the Digital World, when I ignored or wound up in my own world of the Internet, I always came back, annoyed and alive with some reluctance. I was still a part of the world humanity had created. It was monumentally different with what I did after my attempt to bring peace to my soul.
I refused to eat, to sleep, to even acknowledge my parents and any significant other. Staring lifelessly at the wall, locked in my own mind. I have no recollection of this time, save for a few words and spoken sobs. It was a living coma-- a living death I was working my way into.
I suppose my mind and body decided if I couldn't die by blood loss, I'd waste away until there was no blood to lose.
Just like a coma, I heard words. What my parents were talking to me about. I could never answer, never had any idea of time spans, but I knew they were talking. I could understand some of it, even though it was a dim part of my mind that translated the gibberish into understandable variables. Most of my mind, however, just didn't care anymore. Let me die, let me go. I never had to listen.
Then again, the small part of my mind that wanted to live kept screaming.
Forcing me to listen.
'Izzy, honey, we just want you to know that we love you. So very, v-v-ery m-much...'
Mom, don't cry for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the days went on-- or, I suppose, no, they weren't days. Maybe they were weeks, even just hours. Later, I was told it was three weeks. It felt like half a second full of jumbled words and emotions. My mind was like my laptop. Picking out files and deleting others, just trying to organize in a rational way.
Taichi came frequently. Even as much as my parents, I dare say. I couldn't feel him next to me, but I could hear him talking. Sometimes he would cry or rage, and other times he was quieter, more poliet and distant. Funny how these visits did little for me, since friendship is supposed to bring you out of the dark instead of pushing you back.
I had forgiven him long ago. But now could I forgive myself? There was the large question.
'I'm sorry, Izzy. I wasn't thinking when I said those things to you. You were right, you know. I should have realized that... I am so sorry... Please, just wake up already so I can tell you that! I know Travis was lying-- I confronted him!' Tai's voice choked here, making the faraway voice in my mind want to tell him it was alright- he was forgiven, no mistake had been made. It was always my fault in the beginning. Always.
Wasn't it?
'Izzy, we all miss you-- the rest of the gang keeps coming by sometimes, you know.'
No-- not all of them. Matt hadn't yet. Or if the blonde rebel had, I didn't hear him communicating with me. I wasn't sure why this disturbed me so much. Such a minor thing is not something to distress over so hard, but it was this factor that seemed to keep me under. If the Crest of Friendship himself couldn't come see me, what did that tell you?
That perhaps I was no better friend than Taichi had been. Had I ever bothered to call them up? Hadn't they tried-- I couldn't believe my flaws until now. It had all become clear.
I was to blame. Not them. Never them.
Joe, reliable and gentle Joe, hadn't he tried numerous times to gather my attention? Hadn't he called, always asking me if I wanted to go somewhere for the simple purpose of gathering what we had left of our friendship?
What of TK and Kari? Hadn't they always responded with cheery bright faces of delight when they saw me? Hadn't they always saved me a seat at Tai and Sora's games? How I could have been so blind amazes me.
Matt, Mimi, Sora, Tai-- every one of them. Except perhaps Tai. Hadn't they tried over and over to bring me back? I could vaguelly remember phone calls... couldn't I? Matt had asked me to come hear a concert; wanting to see me again. Tai and Sora waved at me during every game, always looking as if they would jump into the stands before the game was over. I was always gone after that. And Mimi-- even with her nature, had been as sincere as she was made for, always telling me over the phone I spent to much time on the computer.
I realized what I had done now. Why I delved myself into all that pain and suffering for so little a reason. Why it took so long.
I was scared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Koushiro, I want you to squeeze my hand if you can hear me.'
Hello, Doctor. You know, you have done a really nice job with my wrist bandages. I can't even tell they're there.
As he droned on, I just tuned him out. Nothing worth listening to-- nothing I'd like to hear, at least. Maybe he'd give me a bunch of psychological words that were supposed to lift my spirits and bring me back like a miracle. Right.
My journey for death had slowly become a journey for realization in my eyes. I wanted no longer to die. That was to shallow, to pointless. Die to end up in some greater torment? No, not me.
I could just as easily make my life a living hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Izzy... it's Matt.'
Matt? Unless I'm mistaken, that's your voice. Always sullen and rebellious to the end. Strange how it sounds almost choked...
'I'm sorry I haven't come by. I've been really busy.'
I understand. There's no reason to be discouraged or alarmed over my condition. I'm merely thinking. How is your band doing?
'We all really miss you. Tai's banging himself up over you.' I could just imagine his smirk here. 'Which is usually my job, but what the heck...'
Poor Tai. Doesn't he realize by now this isn't his fault? It was always mine. All along.
'Hey... Izzy...'
Why does Matt sound so upset?
'I... I'm really sorry, man. I just wanted to say that. I'm sorry we ignored you. I know we did... I know what it's like to want to die...'
Somewhere, far inside the part of my mind that was still thinking and feeling coherently, I felt like crying. How... how could he know? He may have shared his own pain, but compared to mine, it must have been nothing. He had parents. He had a successful life. What was there to feel pain for?
'After TK and I were seperated... it hurt. It hurt a lot. Sometimes I would swear I had no reason to go on, and I'd want to end it myself. I always had TK to think about, though-- to stop me, you know? Just the image of his face would keep me going until morning...'
'But you didn't have a TK, Izzy. You had no one except yourself. I-I...'
Some nerve that hadn't been numbed yet felt something drop on it.
'I am so, so s-sorry...'
Oh Matt...
Don't you start crying for me too.
Aren't my tears enough?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slowly, the more they came, the more my mind started to fade away. It was the same every visit. Apologies and memories, not to mention the occassional tear fest. It wasn't that I grew unexpectedly angry with them- far from it, actually. But I did grow tired. More prone to withdraw and not hear even a small quantity of what was said.
It wasn't until someone literally shook some sense into me that I really considered waking up.
'Izzy... it's Matt...'
You're here? Again? I thought you weren't going to come back...
I've missed you.
'I came to say goodbye.'
What? Matt...
Matt, why? What did I do? I know you've grown angry at my lack of response, but that is no reason to just leave me... is it? I understand... but it hurts.
I don't know why, but it hurts. I thought I was detached. But you kept coming. You never gave up, always talking to me like I was really going to wake up and answer you. You told me about things I thought no one understood...
You have been a wonderful friend.
'I don't want to go, but I can't take this anymore. It's not working. You just won't let go, will you? You just won't start fighting! Damn it, Izzy, take some spine for once and take control! You can't let you beat yourself. Over what? Being lonely? You have no right-- no right to lay in that bed and never give anyone the time of day!'
What... what...
'I can't believe this! I've kept coming back-- over and over-- but I've finally realized something. You aren't going to wake up, are you? You're going to lay there and waste away feeling sorry for yourself and how cruel life is.'
You're angry-- you're... you're... what? I don't... I don't have the *right*?
'You want to be useful? Laying in that bed sure ain't doing much, now is it?! Wake up! Get moving and go back to fixing whatever was screwed up in your life! I realized a long time ago-- waiting to die won't help. If you really want to live... if you really think you have something to live for... Then, virtually, you do NOT have the right to be there, Izzy.'
I have *every* *right*!!!
'There are a bunch of people out there, sitting and waiting just for you. What? Surprised? Don't be. We care about you, you idiot. They do. I do. We're all waiting for you to come back to us. If you won't, then I don't see the point of staying here. I can't stand it. I can't see you like this anymore.'
Matt... Matt... You have no idea! No idea of what I've been through! It's easy for you to tell me to wake up, but-
'Damn it, Izzy...' Suddenly, the voice drops in a sobbing choke. 'I have to go. Because if you don't think we're worth living for... then, it's not worth hurting over. If you really want to die. Go on. But don't expect me to cry for you.'
I really really want to... to...
I want to...
I really want to cry right about now.
'I gotta go... I... Just wanna let you know, first, that I care about you a lot...'
Matt...
Matt, you're one of my best friends. Nothing has changed that-- no depression, no lonliness, nothing.
'And... and I'm SO going to hate you if you don't wake up NOW!'
Wh... whaa...
Did you just.... Matt...
Did you just HIT ME?!?!? Why- wha- what was THAT for?!
"HEY!"
Yamato "Matt" Ishida froze as he walked out the hospital doorway, his blue eyes widening.
Slowly, he turned.
To find an extremely ticked off Koushiro glaring at him blearily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took five seconds for Matt to finally let the information that I was awake finally to seep into his mind. Ten seconds to scream for a doctor. Fifteen for me to glare at him through it all, just itching to smack the blonde boy who'd just saved my life.
"Izzy... I can't believe you're..." Mom gave up on her desperate words and cried as she held me close as if I were a small child. Ignoring my audience, a despairing longing to be held like this forever, I wrapped my arms around her as well and buried my face in her shirt. It still smelled like gingerbread. I'd almost forgotten how much I loved that scent in my house.
"M-mom... I'm sorry..." Feeling the long overdue tears run down my face, I cried with her as my friends and my family stood around me. It took me a long time to stop, in which I realized things. Things that made a lot more sense than my half dead ramblings in my living coma; things that made more sense than my depressed thoughts before I tried to kill myself.
One-- I was loved.
And two-- For the first time in a long time, I felt no sudden urge to end my life.
Perhaps it was the peaceful contentment most children strangely get in the safe embrace of a parent. Maybe it was seeing Taichi weep openly, squeezing my hand like there was no tomorrow, begging forgiveness in his eyes and saying he was sorry over and over. I knew then he never meant to hurt me like that.
Another part might have been the happy faces of my friends, bright with relief and frienship's love hold. I hadn't known or remembered in my dark area of mind what it was like to have someone really care enough about you to be there when you needed them. Perhaps another bit was the fact that my wrists didn't hurt, and my body was only weak from loss of so much in the past three weeks.
And yet it could have been the grinning blond that kept dodging my weak, pathetic attempts to throw those plastic water glasses on my bedside table at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took a total of a year and half for me to competely recover. Or, at least recover as much as possible. Recuperation from these things takes time, you know.
Taichi moved on to his soccer fiend habits again, playing and winning almost every game he could get into. I go to see every single game. Apparently it does me good to get out-- and I'll admit I love to be there, too.
Sora has surprisingly gotten into tennis- a rather amazing habit. I hadn't expected it from her! But she's got a great deal of talent apparently, and I'm sure she will go far in the sport world. I can't see everyone one of her games, not with so much to do, but I definatly try. My schedule has been filled up continually from my friends, who seem to be anxious and delighted to have me re-enter their lives. And as before, I'll admit I love to be there, too.
TK and Kari were barely aware of what happened to me, but they knew I needed time to fit in again. They've been insistantly trying to make me laugh for quite some time now. I cannot say they haven't succeeded often!
Last I heard from Mimi was her letter yesterday from America, where she's gone to fashion school. God forbid I ever see pink clothes like hers on market... She even died her hair pink. Now THAT is something I'm glad I lived to see!
Not a day goes by I don't think about what I did. It hasn't been easy-- living and forgetting, trying to regret what I almost did. I can't say I completely accomplished that, but I have come to be relieved I didn't end up dead. Joe has spent a great deal of time with me-- some of the best times of my life. He's given me his own little "counceling sessions" in his words. It really does help. He may not know depression, but he does know me, and that's all he needs to know to make me feel better. Just last week we went out for that pizza he promised me ages ago, and ended up talking animatedly about our Science projects. Over this time, we've grown close as brothers again, and my days are spent talking with him over the phone often.
Most of all, Matt has been a big help. I would never have expected such a collosal amount of understanding and compassion in him, but it's most certainly there. The amount of time spent in his garage, simply talking over life and all it's problems, has been the best medicine anyone has been able to give me in a long time. I'm not always sure I deserve it, but I wouldn't protest. Matt might try to beat me up again.
In the end, there's one thing I know I may not deserve. I may deserve life. A chance. Happiness. But no one could ever deserve such friends-- loyal and caring to the end. Loving enough to give me the support I need. Sincere enough to tell me the brutal truth that I desperatly need sometimes. Enough light to give a path from the darkness. Courageous enough to come back over and over for forgiveness even when it's scary. Hopeful enough to keep me going when I think there's nothing left. Reliable enough to always be there, steady and true, when I need them.
Friendship says it all.
"Izzy, get over hear and talk to someone for once instead of playing on that thing!"
I raise a single eyebrow as I look up from my laptop. "Matt, do not attempt to stray me from my-"
Matt sighed, and without warning grabbed me, jerking me up til I was standing. With a sadistic grin, he shoved me into the living room where all the others were waiting. Tinsel, mistletoe, and red and green decorations covered the room with spendor and cheer. Tai and Sora, discussing which was the better sport of soccer and tennis, were leaning against the fire place sides, deep in their discussion.
I could have easily told them that both sports were pointless, but the odds of them listening were about zero. Or at least .999999%.
"Okay, guys, Mr. Bill Gates of the new Millenium is finally here!" Matt called, his blue eyes wide as he smiled. "Ready?"
"Ready," chourused the others in unision, tipping their glasses of egg nog to the ceiling. TK came over and shoved a glass in my hand, grinning just as wide as his older brother as he and Kari dragged me over to the couch and pushed me down into the plush seating. Sitting beside me was Joe, who rolled his eyes and nodded to where Mimi was trying to squeeze poor Meeko into a red and green fluffy sweater.
About now, I realize my life could have been worse. I could have been the poor cat.
"I would like to make a toast," Matt announced, waving his glass dramatically as the others watched in amusement. The warmth and closeness of everyone in the room made me relax, sinking back into the cushions and smiling at Joe. We'd all grown so much...
"First, I'd like to toast Sora- who recently won a tennis championship." He grinned as everyone applauded and Sora turned faint pink. "Next-"
"Hey, I won a soccer championship!" Tai protested.
"Irrelevent, let's go on."
As the room giggled, Matt paused and continued, still grandly waving his arm. Next to me, Joe muttered something about carpet stains and bleach, but I couldn't quite hear it.
"I'd also like to toast Joe, who recently has decided on going to college early, and Mimi who is back from America on her first visit! So, Mimi, how's the babes in America?"
"Man, Matt, you are getting a lovely little tongue, aren't you?" Mimi asked impishly.
(A/N; I owe Tammy for this one! Arigato! You're brilliant!)
"Proud of it, too." Matt grinned slyly, but slowly it faded and a serious look replaced that after a moment. "I do have another toast to make. One really really important." He turned and looked at the Christmas tree, heavily laiden with ornaments and tinsel and lights for a bit, before turning back around. His gaze went around the room, and settled on me with soft eyes.
"A toast to one of my best friends-- one that I have the pleasure to still be with this Christmas, and hopefully for many more." Matt smiled softly, his blue eyes glowing warmly as he toasted my shocked face. "We love you, Izzy."
As everyone in the room echoed the sentiment, I bent my head, trying to hide my tears.
Brought it up, smiling as I cried, and choked on my voice as I added, "And to my friends-- thank you. Thank you all. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas!" they responded. As chatter suddenly broke out, and Tai and Matt started bickering happily, and Meeko started to hiss at Mimi, and Joe started to talk to me about coming to visit him at college every week, I knew one thing was clear in my mind forever.
I loved them all, and would never hurt myself again with that love.
My tears were finally dried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END: HAHAHAHA! I'm done! WHOO-HOOO! Please review? For my deprived soul?! :) :) :)
Daisuke: What are we going to do tonight, Kay?
Kay: ::blinks:: Hmmm... oh! The same thing we do every night, Dai-kun!
Daisuke: ...? Steal TK"s hat?
Kay: Er... no. TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!
Daisuke: Again?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By Kay
Disclaimer: Don't own Digimon. But someday... someday...
Daisuke: Another world domination plan?
Kay: Again? Nah. I'm goin' for the universe this time.
Author's Notes: Part Three! Last part! WHOO-HOOOO!!! Enjoy!!!! Many people wanted me to make this Taishiro... ::sniffs:: Sorry... but... I couldn't do it! I had enough reasons to want Izzy to kill himself without yaoi getting involved. Don't worry. I'm working on one now to appease you Taishiro fans...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Three:
Once, when I was extremely young, I recall my father saying something once while we were eating at the dining table, attempting to make normal conversation after the Digital World episodes. Even though he perhaps hadn't meant it as anything profound, it struck a chord deep inside.
Every so often in your life, something incredibally ironic will happen to you. When it does, you can either ignore it completely, or meet it head on and confront it.
So, sitting here on the tiles, my wrist's slashed, and my once-friend Taichi Kamiya looking down at me in disbelief and shock, the irony of the boy who hated me most saving me from myself, and the unhappiness of my life all mixed in together, I do the only possible thing.
I burst into tears, unable to conceive what had just happened. I was so close... so very close...
Another cruel twist of fate.
By now, Tai had absolutely no idea what was happening. Through my tears and pain, I knew he was still standing there in shock, staring at me. At the blood. At what I'd been so close to accomplishing. It hurt to still be here-- hurt even worse to know that my chance was gone forever. I'd never have another moment alone, knowing my parents.
Never... again...
Then came the anger.
What right did he have to stop it?! He was the cause- wasn't he- all along. He accused me, ignored me, hurt me, that was one of the many reasons I was driven to these measures! How many nights had I agonized over every thing I've done in my life?! Only to be stopped like this! To be humiliated again?
Tears blinding my eyes, my body trembling from blood loss and my sobs, I fumble around for something-- anything-- on the tiled floor.
"I-Izzy, oh god... are you alright...?" Taichi's horrified voice gasped. He enters, leaving the door open behind him.
Did I LOOK alright?!
"GO AWAY!" I hurled the razor at him, anguished and now mad. A red hot anger, cold despair, was clutched at me. The razor hit the wall as he ducked, yelping.
"Whoa! Hey- Izzy-"
"Get OUT!"
"Wha?"
I stumbled up on one knee and grabbed a brush, throwing it at him without any idea of where it was going. "GO, TAI! GET OUT OF HERE!" Shouting, at him, at everything, at the damn world.
"Izzy... it's me..."
I threw the toothbrush container at him, as he ducked again, shocked and surprised at the hurtling objects. The container shattered against the wall, raining pieces of porcelain on Tai's jacket. He winced. It would have been almost humourous if not for the circumstances. "Damn you! Get OUT!"
"Y-you need help-"
"I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP!" I hissed, wiping away my tears from my dark eyes and looked for something else to throw. Found the soap. Threw that.
"Ow! Hey--cut it out!"
Just keep him away, make him go away, just make him go away...
"IZZY!" By now, I think he was starting to come out of his shock and realize the full serious gravity of this situation. "Izzy, stop it, you're going to hurt yourself!"
"T-that's what I WANT!" I half sob, half scream at him. I can't see anymore through the bitter hot waterfall of tears cassading down my face. I sink down again to my knees, weeping. "Th-that's... what..."
Suddenly, even as I was about to throw something that felt a lot like Mom's hairdryer, I felt strong, firm arms grab my wrist and jerk it away. Struggling, I pushed against whoever held me.
"Let me g-go! L-let me GO!" It took me a moment to realize that I was hitting something, over and over, not letting up even when my hands hurt more than I thought possible, my wrists aching terribly, I just kept hitting. Hurt it all back, don't... don't...
What was I doing?
"Shhh...." Arms grabbed my hands gently, stopping their tirade. "It's okay... Izzy... it's going to be okay..." Tai.
"I-I... oh god..." I burst into a fresh round of tears, and fell against the older boy, crying into his chest. "Oh god..." Exhausted, my entire body aching, I'm only dimly aware that he's holding me now, pressing his hands into my wrists.
"I've got to stop the bleeding," he murmers. I only nod in a daze, confused beyond the point of reasoning.
"...Tai?"
"Yeah?" He sounds so worried and scared... why?
"Why... are you... here...?"
I finally open my eyes and look up into his face. His eyes are dark, almost like he's about to burst into tears himself.
I'm so tired...
"I'm here because I-I needed to apologize," he says quietly. "But... it looks like I'm to late."
"Why?" I fight the overwhelming urge to pass out. The whole evening had left me drained, of blood and of energy.
"Because I was wrong." I felt tears slide down my face- not my own.
Was Tai crying?
"W-wrong...?"
"Just... just hold on, Izzy. I'm calling for help. Just hold on." I feel his arms lift me up. I guess I hadn't realized how light I was. I would have thought it impossible, even though Tai was strong...
I can tell he's carrying me somewhere. The next thing I feel is him laying me on something soft... the couch, I think...
Small beeps. Pauses.
Blacking out, I can only catch a few of his words as I sink into welcoming darkness.
"Hello? This is Taichi Kamiya... I have an emergency..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the rest of my life, I would remember that night with a painful clarity that amazed me. Every drop of blood is stark red in my memory, the tiles that perfect off white, the razor glinting at the edge. Especially the dark sadness and guilt that had burned in Taichi's eyes.
I would always remember that.
In my final moments of my life, or what I thought would be my final moments, it was the most clear and obvious thing in the universe to me.
Tai... my old friend, my leader... who helped us through the Digiworld and faced every odd without remourse and with an astonishing courage...
Tai was sorry.
Years later, it still made me laugh, though I was never sure whether it was a bitter one or one of affection. He was my friend, but things would never be the same. Even with that regret that seemed to flood through him, it was far to late to be sorry. To late, to long gone, to far down the road to come all the way back up. No matter how far I walked.
Yes, I did say "years later".
I only know what my parents and my doctor told me-- I know very well that they may have chosen not to reveal certain parts of it. Suicide is an ugly diagnosis-- uglier when you've survived even.
They told me I almost lost to much blood, and any longer and I may have lost enough to do fatal damage. Taichi had came just in the nick of time, to save me from myself and what I was doing. The wrist wounds would heal, although the physical and mental scars would only fade slightly. I had been in the hospital for a day or so before I finally woke up from my unconscience state when they told me all of this. I wasn't ready to hear about the rest of my life. I wasn't ready to hear that I actually had a future.
So I closed myself up.
There is a difference between this and what I did in the Digital world. An astronomical difference. In the Digital World, when I ignored or wound up in my own world of the Internet, I always came back, annoyed and alive with some reluctance. I was still a part of the world humanity had created. It was monumentally different with what I did after my attempt to bring peace to my soul.
I refused to eat, to sleep, to even acknowledge my parents and any significant other. Staring lifelessly at the wall, locked in my own mind. I have no recollection of this time, save for a few words and spoken sobs. It was a living coma-- a living death I was working my way into.
I suppose my mind and body decided if I couldn't die by blood loss, I'd waste away until there was no blood to lose.
Just like a coma, I heard words. What my parents were talking to me about. I could never answer, never had any idea of time spans, but I knew they were talking. I could understand some of it, even though it was a dim part of my mind that translated the gibberish into understandable variables. Most of my mind, however, just didn't care anymore. Let me die, let me go. I never had to listen.
Then again, the small part of my mind that wanted to live kept screaming.
Forcing me to listen.
'Izzy, honey, we just want you to know that we love you. So very, v-v-ery m-much...'
Mom, don't cry for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the days went on-- or, I suppose, no, they weren't days. Maybe they were weeks, even just hours. Later, I was told it was three weeks. It felt like half a second full of jumbled words and emotions. My mind was like my laptop. Picking out files and deleting others, just trying to organize in a rational way.
Taichi came frequently. Even as much as my parents, I dare say. I couldn't feel him next to me, but I could hear him talking. Sometimes he would cry or rage, and other times he was quieter, more poliet and distant. Funny how these visits did little for me, since friendship is supposed to bring you out of the dark instead of pushing you back.
I had forgiven him long ago. But now could I forgive myself? There was the large question.
'I'm sorry, Izzy. I wasn't thinking when I said those things to you. You were right, you know. I should have realized that... I am so sorry... Please, just wake up already so I can tell you that! I know Travis was lying-- I confronted him!' Tai's voice choked here, making the faraway voice in my mind want to tell him it was alright- he was forgiven, no mistake had been made. It was always my fault in the beginning. Always.
Wasn't it?
'Izzy, we all miss you-- the rest of the gang keeps coming by sometimes, you know.'
No-- not all of them. Matt hadn't yet. Or if the blonde rebel had, I didn't hear him communicating with me. I wasn't sure why this disturbed me so much. Such a minor thing is not something to distress over so hard, but it was this factor that seemed to keep me under. If the Crest of Friendship himself couldn't come see me, what did that tell you?
That perhaps I was no better friend than Taichi had been. Had I ever bothered to call them up? Hadn't they tried-- I couldn't believe my flaws until now. It had all become clear.
I was to blame. Not them. Never them.
Joe, reliable and gentle Joe, hadn't he tried numerous times to gather my attention? Hadn't he called, always asking me if I wanted to go somewhere for the simple purpose of gathering what we had left of our friendship?
What of TK and Kari? Hadn't they always responded with cheery bright faces of delight when they saw me? Hadn't they always saved me a seat at Tai and Sora's games? How I could have been so blind amazes me.
Matt, Mimi, Sora, Tai-- every one of them. Except perhaps Tai. Hadn't they tried over and over to bring me back? I could vaguelly remember phone calls... couldn't I? Matt had asked me to come hear a concert; wanting to see me again. Tai and Sora waved at me during every game, always looking as if they would jump into the stands before the game was over. I was always gone after that. And Mimi-- even with her nature, had been as sincere as she was made for, always telling me over the phone I spent to much time on the computer.
I realized what I had done now. Why I delved myself into all that pain and suffering for so little a reason. Why it took so long.
I was scared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Koushiro, I want you to squeeze my hand if you can hear me.'
Hello, Doctor. You know, you have done a really nice job with my wrist bandages. I can't even tell they're there.
As he droned on, I just tuned him out. Nothing worth listening to-- nothing I'd like to hear, at least. Maybe he'd give me a bunch of psychological words that were supposed to lift my spirits and bring me back like a miracle. Right.
My journey for death had slowly become a journey for realization in my eyes. I wanted no longer to die. That was to shallow, to pointless. Die to end up in some greater torment? No, not me.
I could just as easily make my life a living hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Izzy... it's Matt.'
Matt? Unless I'm mistaken, that's your voice. Always sullen and rebellious to the end. Strange how it sounds almost choked...
'I'm sorry I haven't come by. I've been really busy.'
I understand. There's no reason to be discouraged or alarmed over my condition. I'm merely thinking. How is your band doing?
'We all really miss you. Tai's banging himself up over you.' I could just imagine his smirk here. 'Which is usually my job, but what the heck...'
Poor Tai. Doesn't he realize by now this isn't his fault? It was always mine. All along.
'Hey... Izzy...'
Why does Matt sound so upset?
'I... I'm really sorry, man. I just wanted to say that. I'm sorry we ignored you. I know we did... I know what it's like to want to die...'
Somewhere, far inside the part of my mind that was still thinking and feeling coherently, I felt like crying. How... how could he know? He may have shared his own pain, but compared to mine, it must have been nothing. He had parents. He had a successful life. What was there to feel pain for?
'After TK and I were seperated... it hurt. It hurt a lot. Sometimes I would swear I had no reason to go on, and I'd want to end it myself. I always had TK to think about, though-- to stop me, you know? Just the image of his face would keep me going until morning...'
'But you didn't have a TK, Izzy. You had no one except yourself. I-I...'
Some nerve that hadn't been numbed yet felt something drop on it.
'I am so, so s-sorry...'
Oh Matt...
Don't you start crying for me too.
Aren't my tears enough?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slowly, the more they came, the more my mind started to fade away. It was the same every visit. Apologies and memories, not to mention the occassional tear fest. It wasn't that I grew unexpectedly angry with them- far from it, actually. But I did grow tired. More prone to withdraw and not hear even a small quantity of what was said.
It wasn't until someone literally shook some sense into me that I really considered waking up.
'Izzy... it's Matt...'
You're here? Again? I thought you weren't going to come back...
I've missed you.
'I came to say goodbye.'
What? Matt...
Matt, why? What did I do? I know you've grown angry at my lack of response, but that is no reason to just leave me... is it? I understand... but it hurts.
I don't know why, but it hurts. I thought I was detached. But you kept coming. You never gave up, always talking to me like I was really going to wake up and answer you. You told me about things I thought no one understood...
You have been a wonderful friend.
'I don't want to go, but I can't take this anymore. It's not working. You just won't let go, will you? You just won't start fighting! Damn it, Izzy, take some spine for once and take control! You can't let you beat yourself. Over what? Being lonely? You have no right-- no right to lay in that bed and never give anyone the time of day!'
What... what...
'I can't believe this! I've kept coming back-- over and over-- but I've finally realized something. You aren't going to wake up, are you? You're going to lay there and waste away feeling sorry for yourself and how cruel life is.'
You're angry-- you're... you're... what? I don't... I don't have the *right*?
'You want to be useful? Laying in that bed sure ain't doing much, now is it?! Wake up! Get moving and go back to fixing whatever was screwed up in your life! I realized a long time ago-- waiting to die won't help. If you really want to live... if you really think you have something to live for... Then, virtually, you do NOT have the right to be there, Izzy.'
I have *every* *right*!!!
'There are a bunch of people out there, sitting and waiting just for you. What? Surprised? Don't be. We care about you, you idiot. They do. I do. We're all waiting for you to come back to us. If you won't, then I don't see the point of staying here. I can't stand it. I can't see you like this anymore.'
Matt... Matt... You have no idea! No idea of what I've been through! It's easy for you to tell me to wake up, but-
'Damn it, Izzy...' Suddenly, the voice drops in a sobbing choke. 'I have to go. Because if you don't think we're worth living for... then, it's not worth hurting over. If you really want to die. Go on. But don't expect me to cry for you.'
I really really want to... to...
I want to...
I really want to cry right about now.
'I gotta go... I... Just wanna let you know, first, that I care about you a lot...'
Matt...
Matt, you're one of my best friends. Nothing has changed that-- no depression, no lonliness, nothing.
'And... and I'm SO going to hate you if you don't wake up NOW!'
Wh... whaa...
Did you just.... Matt...
Did you just HIT ME?!?!? Why- wha- what was THAT for?!
"HEY!"
Yamato "Matt" Ishida froze as he walked out the hospital doorway, his blue eyes widening.
Slowly, he turned.
To find an extremely ticked off Koushiro glaring at him blearily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took five seconds for Matt to finally let the information that I was awake finally to seep into his mind. Ten seconds to scream for a doctor. Fifteen for me to glare at him through it all, just itching to smack the blonde boy who'd just saved my life.
"Izzy... I can't believe you're..." Mom gave up on her desperate words and cried as she held me close as if I were a small child. Ignoring my audience, a despairing longing to be held like this forever, I wrapped my arms around her as well and buried my face in her shirt. It still smelled like gingerbread. I'd almost forgotten how much I loved that scent in my house.
"M-mom... I'm sorry..." Feeling the long overdue tears run down my face, I cried with her as my friends and my family stood around me. It took me a long time to stop, in which I realized things. Things that made a lot more sense than my half dead ramblings in my living coma; things that made more sense than my depressed thoughts before I tried to kill myself.
One-- I was loved.
And two-- For the first time in a long time, I felt no sudden urge to end my life.
Perhaps it was the peaceful contentment most children strangely get in the safe embrace of a parent. Maybe it was seeing Taichi weep openly, squeezing my hand like there was no tomorrow, begging forgiveness in his eyes and saying he was sorry over and over. I knew then he never meant to hurt me like that.
Another part might have been the happy faces of my friends, bright with relief and frienship's love hold. I hadn't known or remembered in my dark area of mind what it was like to have someone really care enough about you to be there when you needed them. Perhaps another bit was the fact that my wrists didn't hurt, and my body was only weak from loss of so much in the past three weeks.
And yet it could have been the grinning blond that kept dodging my weak, pathetic attempts to throw those plastic water glasses on my bedside table at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took a total of a year and half for me to competely recover. Or, at least recover as much as possible. Recuperation from these things takes time, you know.
Taichi moved on to his soccer fiend habits again, playing and winning almost every game he could get into. I go to see every single game. Apparently it does me good to get out-- and I'll admit I love to be there, too.
Sora has surprisingly gotten into tennis- a rather amazing habit. I hadn't expected it from her! But she's got a great deal of talent apparently, and I'm sure she will go far in the sport world. I can't see everyone one of her games, not with so much to do, but I definatly try. My schedule has been filled up continually from my friends, who seem to be anxious and delighted to have me re-enter their lives. And as before, I'll admit I love to be there, too.
TK and Kari were barely aware of what happened to me, but they knew I needed time to fit in again. They've been insistantly trying to make me laugh for quite some time now. I cannot say they haven't succeeded often!
Last I heard from Mimi was her letter yesterday from America, where she's gone to fashion school. God forbid I ever see pink clothes like hers on market... She even died her hair pink. Now THAT is something I'm glad I lived to see!
Not a day goes by I don't think about what I did. It hasn't been easy-- living and forgetting, trying to regret what I almost did. I can't say I completely accomplished that, but I have come to be relieved I didn't end up dead. Joe has spent a great deal of time with me-- some of the best times of my life. He's given me his own little "counceling sessions" in his words. It really does help. He may not know depression, but he does know me, and that's all he needs to know to make me feel better. Just last week we went out for that pizza he promised me ages ago, and ended up talking animatedly about our Science projects. Over this time, we've grown close as brothers again, and my days are spent talking with him over the phone often.
Most of all, Matt has been a big help. I would never have expected such a collosal amount of understanding and compassion in him, but it's most certainly there. The amount of time spent in his garage, simply talking over life and all it's problems, has been the best medicine anyone has been able to give me in a long time. I'm not always sure I deserve it, but I wouldn't protest. Matt might try to beat me up again.
In the end, there's one thing I know I may not deserve. I may deserve life. A chance. Happiness. But no one could ever deserve such friends-- loyal and caring to the end. Loving enough to give me the support I need. Sincere enough to tell me the brutal truth that I desperatly need sometimes. Enough light to give a path from the darkness. Courageous enough to come back over and over for forgiveness even when it's scary. Hopeful enough to keep me going when I think there's nothing left. Reliable enough to always be there, steady and true, when I need them.
Friendship says it all.
"Izzy, get over hear and talk to someone for once instead of playing on that thing!"
I raise a single eyebrow as I look up from my laptop. "Matt, do not attempt to stray me from my-"
Matt sighed, and without warning grabbed me, jerking me up til I was standing. With a sadistic grin, he shoved me into the living room where all the others were waiting. Tinsel, mistletoe, and red and green decorations covered the room with spendor and cheer. Tai and Sora, discussing which was the better sport of soccer and tennis, were leaning against the fire place sides, deep in their discussion.
I could have easily told them that both sports were pointless, but the odds of them listening were about zero. Or at least .999999%.
"Okay, guys, Mr. Bill Gates of the new Millenium is finally here!" Matt called, his blue eyes wide as he smiled. "Ready?"
"Ready," chourused the others in unision, tipping their glasses of egg nog to the ceiling. TK came over and shoved a glass in my hand, grinning just as wide as his older brother as he and Kari dragged me over to the couch and pushed me down into the plush seating. Sitting beside me was Joe, who rolled his eyes and nodded to where Mimi was trying to squeeze poor Meeko into a red and green fluffy sweater.
About now, I realize my life could have been worse. I could have been the poor cat.
"I would like to make a toast," Matt announced, waving his glass dramatically as the others watched in amusement. The warmth and closeness of everyone in the room made me relax, sinking back into the cushions and smiling at Joe. We'd all grown so much...
"First, I'd like to toast Sora- who recently won a tennis championship." He grinned as everyone applauded and Sora turned faint pink. "Next-"
"Hey, I won a soccer championship!" Tai protested.
"Irrelevent, let's go on."
As the room giggled, Matt paused and continued, still grandly waving his arm. Next to me, Joe muttered something about carpet stains and bleach, but I couldn't quite hear it.
"I'd also like to toast Joe, who recently has decided on going to college early, and Mimi who is back from America on her first visit! So, Mimi, how's the babes in America?"
"Man, Matt, you are getting a lovely little tongue, aren't you?" Mimi asked impishly.
(A/N; I owe Tammy for this one! Arigato! You're brilliant!)
"Proud of it, too." Matt grinned slyly, but slowly it faded and a serious look replaced that after a moment. "I do have another toast to make. One really really important." He turned and looked at the Christmas tree, heavily laiden with ornaments and tinsel and lights for a bit, before turning back around. His gaze went around the room, and settled on me with soft eyes.
"A toast to one of my best friends-- one that I have the pleasure to still be with this Christmas, and hopefully for many more." Matt smiled softly, his blue eyes glowing warmly as he toasted my shocked face. "We love you, Izzy."
As everyone in the room echoed the sentiment, I bent my head, trying to hide my tears.
Brought it up, smiling as I cried, and choked on my voice as I added, "And to my friends-- thank you. Thank you all. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas!" they responded. As chatter suddenly broke out, and Tai and Matt started bickering happily, and Meeko started to hiss at Mimi, and Joe started to talk to me about coming to visit him at college every week, I knew one thing was clear in my mind forever.
I loved them all, and would never hurt myself again with that love.
My tears were finally dried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END: HAHAHAHA! I'm done! WHOO-HOOO! Please review? For my deprived soul?! :) :) :)
Daisuke: What are we going to do tonight, Kay?
Kay: ::blinks:: Hmmm... oh! The same thing we do every night, Dai-kun!
Daisuke: ...? Steal TK"s hat?
Kay: Er... no. TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!
Daisuke: Again?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~