Dream a little dream of me - 3
Panny...
It's no use. This is all nonsense.
Even when I'm trying my best not to think of him at all, his face keeps appearing, messing all my thoughts...
However, what's the matter with me? Why can't I even think?
How could an only dream shake my life so violently?
Violence, that's what I feel. I feel violent, unwillingly paining and breathless, only wanting to be back for more, my heart not needing permission from my mind...
I feel it beating in my temples, the blood in my veins. My body is all limp, I know I wouldn't move if I tried to. It's just not responding. I'm sick and I can't breathe. I've never felt worse in my whole life. What's the matter with me, anyway? I was dreaming, only dreaming, a pleasant dream, moreover. I was in heaven, so full, so complete... As if I had found the missing part of myself. I had a huge feeling of rightfulness. It's the only way I can find to describe it. He was so cute, so nice, so... He was simply perfect. I had never met someone... who filled me so totally.
I've been feeling lonely for quite a while, now. It's not that I need physically a man. It has nothing to do with my body. I don't need someone to get through the night... I'm alone. I feel so alone...! What I need is someone with whom I can talk, someone at my side... I need a companion, I need my other half... I need my mate...
But I can't find anyone that fits me in any way. We are just differently shaped, it's my guess.
That was rather ridiculous. Love is not something that exists isolated from the ones who love. There's not an absolute perfect person for one. Bonded... I do believe in bonding. I mean, I believe you can feel totally united to the person you love. Nevertheless, that love takes time. Lots of time. You must get to know him. Love comes out more often from time shared with someone, from the daily nature, than from any kind of fascination or crush you can have...!
That about everyone having a mate is ridiculous. It's not possible! I don't deny that the tie between two sayjins can be indestructible, and probably my father felt it that way with mother. But doesn't mean they were some kind of predestined...!
I'm sceptical and I know. I didn't need my subconscious self – that is, in a way, him – telling me so. I am a scientist. I can't believe in destiny as something immutable. I just can't! It would make life... something without sense!
And now, look at me, here, laying in my bed, dreadfully in pain for something I don't get to even understand. Where am I? Where is my strength, my youth, my independent self? I'm crying out loud. I feel like screaming. I feel pain. Too much pain for me to bear.
And, totally unaware of the reason, I keep sobbing uncontrollably as a child, running out of air once again.
I can only see his face. His smile. His eyes, the way they looked at me. I still hear, if not feel, his thoughts and his reactions as if they were mine. It was like having conscience, real conscience of someone else's existence. It was as if I knew for sure not only that I was alive but that we were both. And he was a never ending brand new world I wanted badly to discover.
I don't know how to explain it. I must try to calm down. I mean, it was a dream. Only a dream. But it has me totally hyper! It has overwhelmed me.
No. He has overwhelmed me.
And the more I think of him, the more difficult it is to bear the pain.
Oh, my, what's the matter with me?! Why do I feel so hopeless, so sad, so alone?! I've always been on my own, why should I start caring right now!? Why do i feel that I need more of him, having his conscience – and which conscience, as he was created by my asleep conscience!? – tied to mine, bonded, stuck together forever more?!!
That's what hurts. I do need that feeling.
Moreover, what hurts the most is seeing my dream bonded.
That, indeed, was me, no doubt about it. It had to be me. I felt it. Moreover, thinking about it now, what he said makes sense if he's in love with me.
Do I realise what I'm saying? For god's sake, he doesn't even exist!!
But my heart keeps aching. I feel jealousy all over me, loneliness, disappointing. And, why, you may ask. Because he is bonded, maybe? But he is bonded to me! It was plain from what he said!
I'm crying because the man of my dreams (literally) has bonded with someone that I thought that was not me? That can't be. Then, why am I crying? Is it that I feel hopelessly alone? Is it that?
Why this longing? This agitation? Why do I feel as if I was in love!?
Crazy or not, I cry myself to sleep again.
Panny...!!
Just an instant after closing my eyes it all restarts.
I appear at his side, as I was before. It's the same place, the same night, the same breeze carrying the same scents. I can't help to look around me, surprised. It usually takes me more than an hour to get asleep after I go to bed, even more if I'm awakened in the night. However, this time it was immediate...
Panny...
I look up to him and as soon as I find his blue eyes shining on me I can think no more. He's happily smiling, excited to see me there. And looking at him I feel myself melting. He's just irresistible.
He blushes a bit. I know you've heard it, pretty boy... You are very attractive, did you know?
He blushes a deeper red and I can't help but smiling as well.
How came that now I feel no pain at all, I feel just perfect...? I was in bed and I felt as if I was about to die. And as soon as I fall sleep here I am, feeling as great as I was before.
He nods, thoughtful.
After you went I felt the same way, do you know...? It was so painful, horrible, such a need of... you... And now...! I can't understand it either... But never mind. You've come back. I thought you wouldn't. I thought you would feel afraid and would try not to come here... After leaving in such a messy way...
I nod, wondering if I ever took the decision to come back, if I was ever asked.
Probably you were even though you can't remember... It's your decision, after all. But...
I look up again to find his frowned expression.
What?
You don't really believe that I am going to skip the reason why you left, do you...?
I smile knowing of my mistake and how in my dream I was not able to see what I plainly found out in reality.
So now you know it...
Yes... Nonsense, Toran... I don't know what happened to me... I... I could not think of anything else but the chance that you were in love with someone else...
You fool!! How could you even think of me being bonded to someone else?!
I don't know... In fact, it's not that strange... I mean... I mean, it exist the chance that...
No. It does not. Not when you are the alternative. You know, if you weren't so incredibly beautiful and if I did not care about you so much, I would really have got angry with you!
I... thought...
Panny!! That is nonsense! But I know what you thought... I felt it. I felt the pain as well. But do you realise what it means...? I felt the pain. I still can hear your every thought... And you still doubt it...? We are bonded! You and me, little Pan-chan..! Isn't it obvious?
Bonded... So... so that's how it feels to be bonded...But.. but why did I doubt it...? Why couldn't I see it here although I saw it once I was awaken...?
I don't know... Maybe you needed a break out... I've been very direct and I'm sorry. I scared you to the point that now you don't believe anything of my fairytale...
But it's a fairytale, after all, isn't it...?
Having felt what you felt while you were awakening you still doubt it?!
I still can't believe it, Trunks.
Don't worry, my princess... You will see if it's either a fairytale or a reality in time. But now, believe me, we are going to work in your inferiority complex...
My what..? I have not such a complex! I don't feel inferior to anyone...!
Maybe you don't. But for some reason you didn't believe me when I told you that you were a wonder and you had doubts of who the beauty I was to bond was. We must help this...!
And how are you going to do so, uh?
Well, I'm going to repeat you how wonderful you are and that you are the best girl ever until you believe it without any shadow of doubt! And, just then, I will tell you how I feel about you.
I smile at him and he smiles back. As I sigh contented we both think at a time that this is our right spot in life.
And telling each other of our so different lives we spend the first one of our nights, both praying silently when it's time to leave that there are uncountable more nights like this one to come.