Dream a little dream of me - 4
I stare at my foot, tired and feeling rather bored.
I'm waiting for my father.
He's inside there, in his office, visiting some patient. He's been with him for fifty minutes now. Only a bit more and it will be my turn.
For today I'm not here for the same reason I usually come here. Today everything is different, some very inner part of me has changed and I don't know if to be glad for it or if to cry.
Today even the waiting room seems bigger and colder. I feel as if I didn't belong here, although I spent many afternoons drawing here, when I was a little girl, while I was waiting for my father to come out. I know this, it's all so familiar, so warm and welcome...
Yet, I can't feel as comfortable as I used to feel whenever I came. I remember the secretary giving me sweets for being a good girl – the same secretary he still has, we have both seen the other one grow and age – and I can even feel how the sofa in his office feels against my cheek because of the repeated times I fell asleep on it. I know what I'm going to find once I get there. I know every single detail of it. I even helped to the decoration of it myself, with my art works in school, my photographs and my presents to father.
Nevertheless, today, for the very first time in my whole life, I don't want time to go by. I don't want to enter the office. But what I really don't want to do is to see him.
I don't want to see my father.
I love him. I've always had. He's the only one I care for in my life.
Or maybe not.
And that disjunction is precisely the reason I'm here for.
For today I'm here as something I had never been to my father before.
That is, one of his patients.
I adore my father. I've always worshipped his strong and secure figure. And when he embraced me after a hard day for us both, when I was a little child, I remember how I felt that the world was clear and beautiful again. He would always make me feel beloved, protected, not alone in a world where, after my grandfather death, we were the only ones of a too different race. Too different for our differences, although being little and easily skipped at first sight, were always making people mistrustful of us, making it really hard to have any friends at all.
If my childhood was a happy one – and I bet it was – it was thanks to my father. It's not easy at all being the strongest being on Earth, the more if you are going to nurse school. It's really difficult to control my strength, even if I tried my hardest. I've always been a responsible girl. I did my best in school, I always tried to be nice... But I know now how cruel kids can be. Even if they consider you a funny new thing at the beginning, you learn by the experience that, in the end, they will despise you for not being normal.
It's not that I have had no friends, no, that's not the problem. I've had some really close friends at my side during the different periods of my life. But never someone who was equal to me. Never someone to share everything with.
That's the main reason because of I'm still alone. I do want to find someone to have such a relationship. The problem is that I have met no one that could even fill my basic needs.
What do I want? If I only know. I want someone at my side. Someone I can take care of without having to worry about hurting him. I don't know what he should be like. If I did, I'd probably start looking for him at this very moment. But when I ask myself what I want him to be like, only a face comes to my mind, his smile messing all of my thoughts just by appearing.
That's the reason why I am here. He is.
And father has to know of my dreams.
They are worrying me. I don't mind at all dreaming some nights of a boy, the less if he's so good-looking as Trunks happens to be, and I would lie if I said he disturbed me in any way when dreaming of him. He's sweet, polite, sincere, what I would call the perfect man for me.
But the fact that every time I close my eyes I fall immediately to sleep and he appears in front of mine even faster...
That is worrying me.
I can't have dreamless nights. I don't know if I want to and I don't want to know either, but I've found myself dreaming of him every, every night!
It's becoming an obsession. I mean, I had never dreamt of anything with such intensity. And he must be getting a bit too much into my life if I can think of nothing else...
Not only when I sleep, but always. There's nothing else I can think of. Nothing at all. When I awake, all my body hurts, every morning. It doesn't respond, I can't breathe... If it was supposed to become less painfully through the day, well, it does not. I feel even worse after a little while. I get up, I get dressed, I go to work as if nothing was happening. However, inside me there's a battle always taking place. If I try not to think of the night, of the dream, I can't concentrate on anything at all. And if I do think of it, it hurts even more. I can't explain the way I feel, is as if any single part of my body was tortured and twisted but for the fact that I've got to understand that my pain has nothing to do with my physic. It's my brain. It's something not touchable but not less real. I feel it growing in my chest and spreading all over my tangible self. I feel it, there's longing, there's desperation, and it's ruining all I had in my life. I can't talk to father for I'm afraid that he'll find out without my permission. At work I feel lost, as if it all was unreal.
So I've made up my mind. I must get this thing out of my brain. And, unfortunately, the only way I can think of is telling my father.
He's the only one I trust enough to. Besides, he is a psychologist, as well as a general doctor. He gets paid to help people. I would really give him everything I have if he was to help me.
I can't live with this, not anymore.
At least I do know what my pain is: I need him. I need him a lot. I am not able to live without him.
I want to sleep forever.
Just forever.
And, yes, I think I need my father's advice. Someone's. Anyone's!
I must tell him of how I feel when he's around me, of how I need his touch, of his tail, of that about the bond, of the last five nights, the most wonderful nights in my life.
Of how I've found that love is extremely painful. Of my needs. Of my thoughts.
Of how I've found that I love him.
And that I want him. Badly.