Dream a little dream of me – 5
Minutes before chapter 1
Aren't they beautiful...?
Yes... They are... breathtaking...
Whenever I feel sad I come here, you know? When I feel unsure or hurt or whatever... I look at the stars... and it's as if my thoughts were clearer...
Yes... They are... relaxing... And you feel so small, so insignificant, under the sky cupola. Universe is huge... and we think we are important!!!!
What's the matter, Panny...? I feel you... sad...
It's nothing... Maybe I'm a bit tired...
Are you cold, my princess?
Just... a little...
Come here, he says, as he puts an arm around my shoulders and approaches me to him. I turn aside, just a little, and half hide my face in his iron chest, trying to memorise his warm and how good it feels to have him so close. I put my right arm around his waist, reposing, not making any force, as if it was casual. But he knows it's not.
He knows exactly how I feel.
And... yes, I'm sad. I'm... hopeless...
We are laying on the floor of the terrace I've visited fourteen times, now. Watching the clouds passing by, the stars shining above us, feeling the world still for a day.
I need his warm. That's what I feel: coldness. My soul is frozen, my heart aches with hypothermia and only in his arms I feel less lost...
Our conversation, although being mental, has somehow stopped and between us there is now a thoughtful silence coming from him while he probably reads my mind.
Toran...
Yes, Panny...?, he answers, sounding husky.
What are you thinking about...?
Nothing... I was just listening to you...What's the matter, Panny?
I don't really know... I mean, I know what's the matter, what I can't understand is why I'm feeling like this... Normally, when I am here, with you, I forget anything that could disturb me...
So you are normally sad?
Yes... yes, I am... Not always but... usually...
Why?
Are you not?
No! I'm... I'm radiant, happier than ever since I met you...!! You've come to bring light to my life, you know? When I first saw you – my life made suddenly sense...
I blush lightly and can't help but smile.
The same happened to me, Toran...
So, then... What's the matter?!
Have you ever had the impression that your life was gaining sense at the time of losing it?
No... I don't think I understand you...
I see. I don't myself understand me...!
But... but what do you mean...? How is it possible that you gain something at the time of losing it...?
It's possible.
But... in total... you lose... or you earn...
It loses, Toran. What the heck. It has none, by now. My life lost all the little sense it could be making when I first saw you.
What...?! Why?!
He's shocked, really shocked, as if the thought of my dementia had never occurred to him.
Isn't it evident?
No...! No, at all! I... I made your life lose... sense?
No. In fact, you made me lose my head.
What – what do you mean by this...?
I mean that I've turned crazy.
Panny!
No. No Panny. No, I'm crazy. I am, and I don't care if father says I'm not, that I shouldn't worry. I've lost my head, Trunks. Insane. I am insane.
You are not!
Of course I am!! Look at me!! Look around us!! I must be crazy to be dreaming this all!! I must be crazy to dream this every night!! I must be crazy to dream with a boy that is perfect for me and who thinks I am wonderful and who comes to me every time I go to bed!
Pan!
Trunks, I'm crazy. I'm crazy. I'm off my head. I've got totally real hallucinations, incredibly conscious dreams. But the worst, the worst of it all, Trunks, is the fact that I love you! That I've totally fallen for you!!!
You... you have... Oh, Panny!!!, he cuts me off, his thoughts filled with joy.
Yes, yes, I have!, I almost spat, angry with myself. And I don't know, I simply don't know how to live when I'm not with you! I feel as if I was dying, I feel as if it was not worth the pain, as if nothing was worth the pain!
Pan... listen..., he starts softly, you are not crazy...
Of course I am! Look, this can't be good, can't be normal! This obsession with this dream cannot be good at all!
Pan. Stop being so silly at once!! You have dreams, indeed, but that does not mean that you are crazy!!
It does if my only life is in those dreams, if the rest of the day is like a torture that I must go through just to be able to sleep again!! I know that to have dreams doesn't mean that I'm crazy. The fact that I don't want to live anything else does!
But you are not crazy, Panny, believe me! Do you really believe that I don't want nothing but these dreams? Do you think that I don't feel the hurting, that I don't feel as you do every single morning when I wake up?! That my conscience is ever enough separated from you so I cannot feel how you are suffering, how you torture yourself thinking that, falling in love with me, you have lost your common sense and have turned crazy?! I feel the same you feel, Panny, when you feel it, even if we are not here, together. I do feel the same you do. Therefore, if you were crazy, I would also be! You are not crazy, for god's sake!
Then, we are both!
Then we are!! J
That's nonsense, Trunks...
It is. Panny, you don't understand it... It's my fault, I haven't told you everything and you were not aware of what could be expected...
:/
I'm sceptical, Trunks...
Why?
I can't believe you when you say that I'm not crazy.
How long have you been thinking so?
More than a week. I went to my father's consulting room ten days ago. I told him of my dreams and he asked me some questions...
What did he say?
That I had invented you because I needed a relationship and in order to answer all my fears and doubts...
That you invented me??
Yes...
Panny! That's why you don't believe me!! You – you think that I am invented!!!
Of course!! I invented you!! You are my dream!!
So it's that!!!! I thought that you were suffering so much because of my boldness, that first night, because I had scared you with my tale about bonding and so on... But it's that! You think I'm just a dream!!
I look down, hiding my face completely in his chest. I feel like crying and I think it won't be long since I start. He touches my back, rubbing slowly, and kisses my head, soothing.
Panny..., he mentally whispers, believe me...
I can't, Toran... I really can't...! I am crazy... I am crazy...
You are not...! Panny! I'm not a dream!! I'm for real!!! Believe me!! I am the heir prince to planet Vegeta, some light-years afar from your planet... Why can't you believe me...?!
I start sobbing uncontrollably, still hidden. The conscience of my doubtful sanity scares me more than any other thing. For this is a dream, I can't believe it's anything else and...
And the fact that I can't trust in him, in the man I love so much, hurts me the most.
He, my dream, my desire, but just that, the delusion I have been having for two weeks, is now swearing me something I just can't believe, thus killing any possible bit of confidence that I could have with him...
I cry holding him tightly while his thoughts remain silent for me. I feel myself slowly vanishing and I wonder if he will ever return to me if I go having him told of my craziness, if he will be willing to see someone who is insane...
Until he interrupts me, grabbing my chin and making me look at his sapphire eyes, where a determination look answers my sad one. Slowly but doubtless, he leans closer to me until his burning lips touch mine and he kisses passionately, fiercely.
As I kiss back, our thoughts mix with passion growing, even more intensely than before. We share the rightfulness, the feeling that we are touching heaven, the wish for more.
And, while my conscience slowly returns to my physical body, I see him withdrawing, kissing me one last time and ensuring me that he's for real, totally for real.
The last thing I get to hear from him is a desperate and fully sincere I love you.