Dream a little dream of me – 6
Uh, Panny...
I rest my head on my folded arms, still sleeping, and look at the stars in my dream, the stars that had been in every single of my nights.
Uh, Panny... It hurts. It really does hurt.
For me, she is Panny as I'm Toran for her. Nicknames that nobody uses, here, with me, because of my rank. I'm the heir prince. I'm to be dealt with the respect my dynasty deserves. Everybody calls me Your Highness, Prince Trunks... And there she goes, making my name shorter. My real name is not Trunks but Torankusu. Trunks is itself a nickname, got from the pronunciation in order to make it easier for everybody. Only father, sometimes, uses it all, to make me feel the solemnity of some moments...
I guess she got it from there. Her Torankusu. Her Toran.
I knew she loved me as she knew that I had completely fallen for her. There were little secrets between us, between our unconscious selves, and the fact that the other on meant everything for us was not one of them.
Since that very fist day I felt the attraction to her. I felt as my body pained to touch hers, as my mind drank unendingly her thoughts, remaining thirsty for more, much more. How I was starving without her.
I was so prepared for this... All in me was so conditioned for the realisation of what was to happen between us...! I thought I had scared her, that first night. I was burning, dying to let her know, to tell her straight of my love, of my feelings, of the bond that was forming between us, of the fact that she was to be my only wife, my only princess.
If I had not felt her sceptical.
I knew that she could not believe what I was telling her. I couldn't help but being certain that she would not be willing to believe in something so weird and idealistic as sayjins bonding for life... It sounds ridiculous even to me. I mean, love is something you have to look after. If having the perfect person at your side forever was something you could take for granted, there would be no magic in something that does not involves any difficulty. I know what Panny means to me and what I would be without her shining above me. And I know how easy it would be to split it all apart...
Or should I say "it was, to split it all"...?
My god. I've lost her. I've lost her.
When I told her of our customs here, about the mating thing, I just intended to make her see how I was feeling, how I was noticing that we were fitting together, how her essence was complementing mine...
I felt as if we were to be bonded.
It's ridiculous, I know. I knew it was too late, and I felt her reticence to believe me the second time that she came to my dreams.
Maybe we are not bonded and all the sayjins way of breed is just what I told her, that is, a fairy tale. Perhaps it is... Now I feel too unsure, too uncertain, so lost... I know nothing at all. What I thought that was real like the sun shining in the sky is nothing but a nightmare.
Maybe we didn't fall in love with each other that first night. Maybe not even the first week. Maybe we were not meant to be, we were not somehow written in the stars. I am not saying that I believe that. I don't. I feel she was made for me and that I was only made to make her happy, to get one of her smiles. What I am trying to make clear is that, well, it could be, it is possible – although little probable – that we are just a normal couple, two separated people who met one day, one moment. Okay. If it was so, Panny, my sweet Panny, I ensure you that I wouldn't love you even a single bit less than otherwise.
Panny, I've fallen for you. Alright, alright, I got lightened by your appearance and started babbling about you, about me, about bonding. But this two weeks... In these two weeks I've got to know you, to see the sweet princess that remains hidden under your beautiful appearance...
You blinded my with your brightness. You are a girl as I have not known any other else. You are the kind of woman that we man want but don't think possible. You are an equal, you are sweet, charming, soft and tender... someone to take care of. That's the first thing I saw in you. I was dying to look after you little Panny. But then I saw you the real you. Your personality, your strength, your determination... The more I know from you, the deeper I am in love.
Desperately.
I wished I could make you see how I do love you. How now I am in love with Pan, with my Pan, and not with the girl I am to be bonded to. I would like to make you see how I love you because of you and not because of fate.
Or that is what I wanted to make you see since tonight.
I've spent the last days thinking about it, analysing my feelings, trying to find a way to make you understand of my reasons to love you – that are three: you, you and only you. Well, maybe four: your smile -.
It's understandable, I think. From that night I've been obsessing with the fact that we belonged to different worlds, to different cultures, that we had different beliefs, that you would never believe something so stupid like the life mating. I've had nothing else in my mind but you and how to get some way to keep fitting together, even if the bonding matter was a difference between us.
Just to find, tonight, in the same dream I'm still in, lying here, holding you in my arms, you head so softly reposing on my chest, your scent driving me crazy...
Just to find that, for you, I am only a dream.
Just a dream.
Just a dream.
Do you have any idea of how much it hurts, Panny? My love, my star, my angel... Do you have any idea of how you've just made me feel?
I wish I was a dream, your dream. Maybe you could be consider insane, being me your dream, but I would never, never ever leave you.
And not only that. Been your dream I would just be what you think I am. And I wouldn't feel so empty, so lost so... mistaken.
What I feel, what I love the most, it's all wrong, all mistaken, all impossible.
You just come to me because you think I am just a dream.
If you – or anyone, it would serve the same – asked me how it was possible for us to meet, I would answer that it was you. Your energy, your strength, it brought you to me, it overwhelmed you when you were unconscious. Somehow, I felt you, and I came to you, unconscious as well. Again, there's the possible interpretation of fate, of what was meant to be. It's the one I believe, but both explanations are correct. They lead us to the same place, after all.
They lead us to me, totally gone for you. And you, only risking your sanity.
I feel selfishly betrayed. I won't, soon I won't, I know I can't, you don't deserve it, even if you really betrayed me, I could do nothing but bend my head down and hold on. So, my love, my dearest, let me feel betrayed for a second. My dream, my only wish is broken. Shattered. I'm myself all shattered.
Just a dream. My god. My god. It hurts, here, in my chest, perhaps it's my heart... I can't hear it beating. But, after all, this is only a dream.
Oh, Panny!!!! Panny, listen!! Panny!!! I'm here! I am, I'm not a dream, for god's sake!!!! I'm for real, and I'm...
I can't prove my existence to you. No, I can't. But the same way I know you are for real, why can't you...?
Again, the predisposition. I was predisposed to find you, to find the girl of my dreams and then I would fall in love with her and then... Alright, I didn't expect that "of my dreams" being so literal. So what? You are in my dreams, you are on earth and I'm here. But from the very first instant I knew you were a person just like me. I believed in the magic that brought us together. And you didn't. You preferred to think of it as unreal, as a trick from you unconscious self.
And, of course, my tiny, my loved princess, of course, I won't let you think you are insane... I'll get to you, I'll get to you enough to make you believe that I'm real.
My only question, the one I keep asking myself is... how?
I feel you falling asleep again. Whenever you see me here you think you are obsessed, don't you...?
Uh, I need some advice...
But enough, enough here. You are the most important in my life, what I care the most. And... my love... you will never know how much this hurt me... but... I can't even think about it without feeling my whole body collapsing.
Well... with all the strength that is left to me... Panny... honey...
This will be the first of your dreamless sleep.
I'll go to get some advice from father. He'll tell me what to do. But the best for you, for avoiding that ideas about insanity in your head... is to... my god... I... I... can't even say this...
One more time... Let's try it one more time... The best for you... my dearest... is... to never dream again of me...
Nevertheless, now, the only question that beats in my aching mind is... will I be able to live through this...?