Falling Short
Chapter 5: When Giving In Is Not Enough
Koan dried her hands on an old towel as Dr. Brief shut down the lab for the night. "You did some good work today, Koan," he said appreciatively. "Get some rest--tomorrow we're going to have a party for Goku, after all."
"Yes. Good night, Dr. Briefs."
"Sleep well."
Koan returned to her room and changed for bed; long flannel pants with a hole cut for her tail, and tank top served as pajamas. Cumber was already in bed, asleep. She smiled down at him.
"Mom…?" Cumber lazily opened his eyes, squirming beneath the covers.
"Hey, little man." Koan seated herself on the bed's edge and stroked his cheek affectionately. "How was today?"
"Fun," he replied immediately. "Baiba says I'm getting a lot stronger."
"I'm proud of you." She tucked him in snugly and kissed his cheek. "How about tomorrow morning we make a big lunch for Gohan and his dad."
Cumber grinned delightedly. "Okay. Good night, Mom." The young boy closed his eyes, slowly falling asleep.
Koan smiled at her son. Her pride in him was overwhelming, even if she often disapproved of his power-oriented goals. He believed in what he was doing, and he stuck to it. She envied that tenacity.
She was pulled from her reprieve by the sound of heavy footfalls, and someone entering the room across from theirs: Vegeta's room. Curiosity drove her to peek outside the door.
The door to Vegeta's room had been thoughtlessly left open, and through the opening she could see the man himself. His blue training outfit was scorched and ripped in several places, and also stained with blood and sweat. He peeled the top half of the garment off his body and tossed it into a pile on the floor. Then he moved to the window.
Koan watched, her breath held as if awaiting some action. But he didn't move from that spot. Several minutes passed, and still he did not turn from the canopy of black-framed stars. At last she couldn't help herself; she crossed the threshold into his domain.
It had been a month since their talk outside the Capsule Corps, when Koan admitted to him the secret she harbored concerning her parents' ideals. Since then they'd had little chance to meet: Koan's work kept her busy, and Vegeta spent most of his time training only to disappear into his room each night. She found this disappointing, as she'd been hoping that perhaps their exchange had deepened an understanding between them. But now he seemed more withdrawn and bitter than ever.
Vegeta didn't seem to notice at first, so consumed was he in his blind vigil. Koan approached slowly, and finally resorted to scuffing her feet on the carpet to make her presence known. He stood a little straighter then, but he didn't speak. She decided to go first. "You were training pretty hard today."
"Kakarot will return tomorrow," he replied stiffly.
"Will you challenge him?"
The prince's manner relaxed somewhat with her question. "No." The word was a sigh. "Until I become a Super Saiyan, that will have to wait."
Koan nodded thoughtfully--at least he was smart enough to realize his limitations. "What will you do?"
"Become stronger."
Of course. I should have expected that. Koan moved closer, trying to see his face. The expression was a strange combination of muscles on his face; indecision, wrath, and reality all rested heavily inside him. She touched his arm and felt his skin stretched tight and trembling. "Vegeta," she told him softly, "don't do this to yourself now. You will have your chance. Thinking of it for too long will only drive you mad."
Vegeta looked at her. His eyes, dark with a kind of agony she'd never be able to understand, pierced her. He didn't need to speak the words.
I have nothing else.
They stood together that way, just staring. When Vegeta finally spoke his voice was hoarse and deep, like that of a withered and aging king. "What happened to us, Koan?" he asked in a kind of vacant way. The back of his hand touched her face, and she flinched momentarily at the contact. "So much has changed."
She bit her lip and couldn't respond. Despite the rough texture of his skin his touch was not harsh. His fingers ran through her hair, slightly possessive but far different than what she had once been accustomed to. "Why?" was her question when she found the strength to ask. "Why do you…have such interest in me?"
"Because we're alike," the prince replied, tracing his fingers along her jaw. She gulped. "Because you see something in me that I can't. Tell me." He urged her closer to him. "What was it you were always looking for? What did you see?"
"I…I don't know," Koan admitted, unable to draw away from him. "Something--something different."
"Than what?" he persisted. His breath was hot against her face. "That Kakarot?"
She shook her head immediately. "He has nothing to do with this. Vegeta, you're the one I want to understand."
He pulled back, startled by her declaration. Koan was similarly affected by her own words, and she stuttered helplessly. How can I explain to him? She wondered desperately, suffering under the doubt in his glare. But it was still there--the something she'd seen before, had been hoping to find. She reached out, touching his face as if to raise that mysterious emotion to his surface. He didn't react to her touch as it slid down his cheek and neck, resting finally on his chest.
What am I doing…?
Vegeta's hands closed around her shoulders, pulling her forward suddenly. His mouth demanded from her a fierce kiss she didn't expect. And though her first reaction was to recoil, she stayed. A moment later it seemed that she didn't have a choice; his arms were around her, binding her against his body. One hand entangled in her hair at the base of her neck, forcing their lips together. His smell, his warmth, smothered her, until her pulse was racing and she couldn't breathe.
Why am I doing this?
Vegeta's other hand moved, gliding firmly down her back. Instinctively she drew closer to him, her hands trembling against his chest. She found herself kissing him back, nearly terrified by her own reactions but unable to help them. Her response was hesitant and meek; the Saiyan prince merely heightened his aggressions. He took hold of her tail near its root. Koan's body jolted with more fear than pain, and a gasp of surprise that was nearly a sob separated their mouths.
She started to push away. I can't do this. I don't have to anymore. I--
"Don't." Vegeta's voice in her ear, breathless and sharp, halted her. His grip loosened, if only so that he could stroke her tail more gently. She was too startled by this gesture to react. With strong--but restrained--fingers he probed the limb to its tip. Koan couldn't help but shudder. She held her breath as he repeated the almost soothing caress.
Why? Why is he doing this--why am I? What do I see? He kissed her neck, her face, her ears and eyelids. He began to undress her; slowly at first, then with increasing urgency as he explored every inch of her uncovered skin. Before she realized what was happening she felt cold fabric against her naked back, and the weight of Vegeta's body pressing down on her from above.
Is this really…what I wanted? I can't see his eyes anymore….
Koan opened her eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse of that shining she'd found in him. But she couldn't. There was only the shadowed white of tiled ceiling. She couldn't even remember what it had looked like.
Is this my destiny? Is this all I am?
Koan didn't resist. She took the man into her arms and body, forsaking control of her instincts to allow him his victory over her. He left no part of her untouched, branding her with the heat of his desire. His hands dominated her, molding her into a form she already knew well. They made her his own.
When the ashes burned down Vegeta rolled onto his back, settling into the bed space beside the woman. The contented feeling didn't last long. Exhaustion and a deeper, unknown emotion rose against him. It wasn't enough. Though he'd finally alleviated many of his frustrations, he wasn't satisfied.
Why am I doing this?
The prince turned his head. Koan was lying on her back, moonlight dancing lethargically over her sweat. Her black eyes were vacant as they stared straight ahead. When she'd managed to get her breathing to an acceptable rate once more, she glanced at him. Her gaze had returned to searching. And, having not received her answers, she turned her focus to the tiled sky. After a moment she closed her eyes.
Is this really what I wanted from her?
Vegeta let his breath out slowly, closing his eyes in pursuit of sleep. His weary muscles were eager to comply, but his brain refused to be so easily subdued. Again and again his thoughts found their way back to the Saiyan woman at his side. Whenever he looked she hadn't moved--he wondered if she was asleep.
What happened to us, Koan? So much has changed.
Those were his last thoughts as his mind surrendered to the pains of his body.
Koan awoke as if into her memories. She was bed, her naked body only partially covered by the thin sheets. Goosebumps crawled across her skin. A body was beside her--a man, slumbering peacefully. Her muscles were sore and stiff, and she had no strength to work them. She waited. That as how it was supposed to be; she would wait until he awoke, to assure that her body was no longer wanted.
Is this how it ends? Slowly, Koan pushed herself into a sitting position and stared down at her bed-mate. He was sleeping, his face drawn tight as he fended off dream battles. After everything, to be reborn back into this life, a soulless whore? Her fingers slid clumsily over his face, then hers. I am his, now. I have a new master.
A sob passed her lips, and she struggled to silence herself as tears escaped her tightly closed eyelids. No, no. I don't want…. She shook herself, almost violently, and wrapped herself in her arms. She could still feel the remnants of his fingerprints on her flesh. Trembling, she slid off the bed and retrieved her clothing.
Koan dressed cautiously, as if expecting Vegeta to awaken and any moment. It doesn't matter some voice deep within her brain whispered, mocking her frustrated tears. You belong to him now.
Biting her hand to keep herself silent, Koan fled from the room.
The first thing Vegeta realized when he awoke was that he was alone. The air was a bit too cold, and charged with a mysterious kind of tension. He wasn't surprised that she'd left. In fact, he should have expected it. Something had changed between them--a conclusion with nothing resolved, utterly meaningless. Muttering to himself about the complexities of women, he dressed.
It wasn't until Vegeta had left the room that he realized that he could no longer sense Koan's spirit. The door to her room was open. He investigated, only to find an unmade bed. Only slightly disconcerted, he continued on to the kitchen, expecting to find her preparing the lunch for Kakarot's arrival. Bulma and her mother were there, and only them.
"Good morning, Vegeta," Mrs. Briefs greeted in her characteristically cheerful tone. "It's nice to see you."
Vegeta ignore her, as he usually did. "Where's Koan?" he asked of Bulma.
The blue-haired woman shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't seen her. She might still be getting dressed."
He left without another word, making his way toward the Capsule Corps lab. She wasn't there, either. Cumber wasn't training with Baiba in the yard. He strained his senses, searching, and came up with nothing.
Koan was gone.
Vegeta returned to the kitchen once more, convincing himself that Koan would be there this time. It was foolish for her to leave--where would she go? Did she expect to fit in among humans, and live their life as Kakarot had? A feeling like anxiety rose within him; why did he even care? She wasn't his concern, and if he so desired he could easily find another to keep his bed warm.
Koan wasn't in the kitchen.
Vegeta cursed, slamming his fist down on the table. The wood creaked with the blow, on the verge of shattering. Bulma and her mother spun around. "What the hell is your problem?" the former exclaimed in a startled tone.
The prince set both palms on the now shaky furniture. "She's gone," he said, subdued.
"Who's gone?" asked Mrs. Brief's curiously. "Miss Koan?"
"What do you mean, gone?" demanded Bulma.
"She took Cumber and left." Vegeta straightened, gazing blindly out the window. He couldn't even feel the remnants of her departure. Is this what I wanted?
A hand touched his shoulder, and he jarred with the subtle contact. It was Bulma. She was watching him with a look of concern--did she really care? When he met her gaze directly it froze him. Her eyes shone a question, penetrating deeply just as Koan's obsidian ones had. She could see something, the way the Saiyan woman had been able to. She was trying to pull it out.
"What happened?" Her voice was soft, reaching for that hidden place within himself. The truth that everyone but him could see.
"Leave me alone," Vegeta snapped, and in his own voice he heard a note of pleading that shouldn't have been there. He had to escape that gaze, those eyes. "I don't need her, or you, or anything." With fists clenched and trembling he stormed from the room, leaving a bewildered Bulma to share a look with her mother.
--When they reached the edge of the city, Koan finally allowed her and her son a rest. She sat down in the tall grass and then flopped onto her back. The sky was very blue that day. It was beautiful and clear, so unlike her present mood. She hadn't even changed out of her pajamas, so desperate she'd been.
"Mom?" Cumber was watching her with concern. "Are you okay? Why do we have to go?"
"I…I'm sorry, Cumber." She rubbed her eyes wearily. "I just need some time…to think about this. It's not your fault--I just had to leave for a while."
The boy took a seat beside her, yawning; she had, after all, roused him from a sound sleep. "What about the party? Everyone will be there."
"Oh Cumber, I'm sorry." Koan sat up. She was beginning to see how foolish her actions had been--running away from Vegeta wouldn't solve anything. "I know you've been looking forward to seeing Gohan again." But when she thought about going back--seeing the prince's face--she felt cold all over. "Why don't you go back and help Bulma with lunch, okay?"
Child as he was, Cumber could see that something as very wrong. "Are you okay, Mom? Are you sick?"
"No, not really. Just very tired." She decided on the best way to explain her situation. "Vegeta and I got in an argument last night. I need some time to think, and then I'll come back. Now be a good boy and go help Bulma." She kissed him on the cheek and urged him off. "Go on. I'll be fine."
"Okay." Reluctantly, Cumber took to the air and flew off toward the Capsule Corps building.
Koan laid back down, gazing up at the sky once more. It really is beautiful, she thought to herself. Her view was momentarily obscured by the by the formation of her tears. She cursed and wiped them quickly away. Pull yourself together, she berated. Vegeta isn't like Kado--he's not using you. He didn't do anything wrong. This sort of things happens all the time.
Doesn't it?
She sighed, her thoughts drifting to the Saiyan prince. She wondered what he thought of her now. When he saw her next would he be cruel, or simply indifferent? She certainly wasn't he first woman he'd possessed--that much she could tell.
I don't want to be possessed by anyone.
The sky which had once been so clear suddenly began to grow dark. Koan licked her lips. They've called the dragon. Goku will be back soon. I wonder what Vegeta will do. She sat there in the grass, watching as Shen-lon appeared against the backdrop of black clouds. There was no indication that the wise had been granted, however. Her senses reached out, hoping to catch Goku's spirit as soon as he had arrived.
But she never felt it. As she watched, a spot of white rose from the Capsule Corps and continued upward, disappearing into the cloud canopy. Koan was on her feet before she realized she'd moved. That's…Vegeta's spirit. But why…. She immediately headed back for Capsule Corps.
By the time Koan had returned, Shen-lon was gone and the sky was clear again. Everyone was still outside on the lawn. Goku wasn't among them. However, Krillin and another man with his face covered in scars were enjoying the attention of their friends. She greeted them cheerfully--and hastily--and then joined her son.
"We tried to wish Goku back, but he wouldn't let us," Cumber explained around mouthfuls of food. "He's still alive! And he's coming back on his own."
"I don't understand," said Chichi, seated nearby. "Why won't he come back? We don't know where he is, when he'll get here, how he'll get here…." She trailed off, dismayed by her own reasoning. "Oh Goku, when will we ever be a real family again?" she questioned the heavens.
Gohan took her hand and smiled. "Don't worry, Mom. Dad'll be back before you know it. And then we'll have a real party, right Cumber?"
The other boy nodded deftly. "Yeah."
"But what about Prince Vegeta?" Koan asked briskly. "I felt his spirit leave."
"Yup, he's gone," replied Krillin easily. "He stole Dr. Brief's Capsule III and took off." He shrugged. "It's just as well, I guess. I just hope he doesn't try anything with Goku gone." He patted Gohan on the head. "But then, with Gohan and Cumber here, I'm sure we'd put up a good fight."
"Thanks, Krillin."
"Yeah!"
Koan turned her gaze upward, squinting against the sunlight in search of Vegeta's departure. By now the ship was far out of view. A deep sigh emptied from her lips, which drew the attention of her comrades. "Koan?" Chichi asked curiously. "Are you all right?"
"Yes." She shook herself and quickly regained her composure. "Just…a bit startled, I suppose. It's better this way." She gave them all a smile. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to change my clothes." She turned away from them and started inside, hiding a deep sigh.
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