Falling Short
Chapter 8: When Striving Is Not Enough
Koan leaned her back against the sturdy trunk of an oak tree at the edge of the stream. Her toes dipped lazily into the cold water, wiggling against the chill. She let the water pass through them, and then squished them in the mud. They were the simple, innocent actions of a child, and they brought her peace. She'd been living with the Son family and Cumber for the past sixteen months out in the mountains. She helped with the chores, doing laundry and cooking and watching after the two rambunctious boys. It was a pleasantly busy kind of life, and welcomed since the harshness of Namek.
But try as she might, she couldn't help the feeling that she was missing something. It had been a month since she'd seen Vegeta last. She thought of him often, recalling all of their strange encounters. She found herself wondering what would become of him, and what they would say when they met again. The concept caused her to tremble and her heart to throb simultaneously. She wanted to uncover his secrets, even knowing that she wasn't strong enough to do it.
"Koan?" Goku spotted her from downstream, having returned with Gohan and Cumber after a fishing expedition. Their baskets were filled with the lively catch. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," Koan replied quickly. She didn't want to be a bother to anyone, especially Goku. He had been more than generous, accepting her and her son into his house. But another thought came to her; he was also very easy to talk to. "Actually, Goku, do you have a minute? To talk…."
"Oh sure." Goku handed his basket to Cumber, who struggled for only a moment with the extra weight. "You'll take that back to Chichi for me, won't you?"
"Sure, Goku."
"See you at home, Dad."
Goku waved cheerfully as the two boys departed, then took a seat on Koan's left. She was grateful for his instant comprehension--though Goku wasn't the brightest of men, he was always the most thoughtful. "So, Koan, what is it?"
Koan drew her feet out of the stream. "I just…like talking to you, I guess," she admitted. Her tail flicked idly at a tall weed. "You're easy to talk to, and…I don't know." She smiled at him with a bit of painful nostalgia. "My father used to say that Saiyans could be more than what they were--caring, almost tender when they needed to be. That strength comes from heart. Seeing you tells me that he was right."
He watched her curiously, almost childishly. "Really?"
"Yeah." Koan's courage faltered. "But…but I can't ever be like that."
"Why not?"
Why not? He'd said the question so simply that she almost laughed. Her reasons were so vague that she felt ridiculous in answering. "Just…because. Sometimes…I just don't feel right." She hesitated for a moment. "Sometimes I feel as if I didn't turn out to be the person I was supposed to be," she said. "I'm not a normal Saiyan--Vegeta made me realize that."
Goku rubbed his nose. "Vegeta, huh?" Whenever they spoke like this the subject always turned back to the Saiyan prince.
"I know it sounds odd, but it's true. Saiyan's fight--it's in our blood, our nature, even for you. Even for Gohan and Cumber. When a challenge comes, we stand and fight." She licked her lips. "But…but I can't stand up to him. I'm afraid--even when all he does is stare. I feel like I'm crawling inside myself, that I've become another person.
"For a while, on Namek, I gained back part of myself. I felt alive, the way I first felt when I came here. But now whenever I think of Vegeta--or any Saiyan--it frightens me." She lowered her head in embarrassment. "For a while, I was even scared of you coming back. I didn't know how you'd react toward me."
Goku was silent for a while, contemplating everything she'd said very carefully. "I think I get it," he said at last.
"You do?" Koan was a bit surprised.
"Sure." He smiled at her. "When I first found out I was a Saiyan, I was totally shocked. I'd only met my brother Radditz, after all, so I thought all Saiyans were scary killers. I didn't want to be one. But I kind of was forced to accept it, with all the fighting. When I did that, I felt like myself again."
"Accepting it," she repeated quietly. "I guess…I didn't really want to be a Saiyan, either." She shuddered with an old, terrifying memory. "I spent a long time…convincing myself that I wasn't good enough to live up to Father's expectations. Being a Saiyan meant fighting, and I…couldn't." She was grateful that he didn't question her hesitations. "What should I do to make up for that?"
Goku climbed to his feet. "Why don't we spar?"
Koan blinked, not expecting the sudden suggestion. "Spar?" she echoed. "Us? But I haven't fought for a while."
"Then I'll go easy on you." He winked. "You're a Saiyan--we always feel better after a little training. It'll be good for you." He extended his hand.
Tentatively, she accepted. To fight again…her heart began to quicken its pace at the prospect. Am I really so excited to fight? she wondered, following Goku's example in a few warming up exercises. Her muscles seemed to remember all at once, making her anxious. I haven't trained since Namek, long before Goku arrived. But…but it feels…right.
Goku attacked first, just to get things started. She blocked, at first hesitant to counter his blows. He grinned over their tangle of arms. "See, you remember. Attack me, now." He laughed at the face she made. "You won't hurt me, I promise."
"I know, but…."
"C'mon. Hit me."
Koan took a deep breath and tried an attack, which he obviously blocked without effort. They exchanged a few rounds--Goku held back enough to not hurt her, but not enough for it to be too easy for her. She punched and blocked, only dimly aware that he was gradually intensifying their workout. All the while Koan felt herself responding to the adrenaline in her blood; she was enjoying this. She trusted Goku completely, and in that security felt no fear. His fatherly patience with her gradually returning abilities served as a shelter, urging her to forget the boundaries she'd once built.
If you fight, you'll be punished--that was the lesson she'd learned as a child. That fear had smothered her, trapped her, but with this Saiyan's reassurance she felt more alive than ever. She fought, pushing her limits further, allowing instinct to take its course. She needed this opportunity--had been waiting for it.
The brief battle ended when Koan launched a spirit attack. Though Goku deflected it with ease, the pause gave them an excuse to catch their breath. Koan fell onto her rear, as her body was growing limp with exhaustion. She waited until her breathing had regulated itself before attempting to speak. "Goku, that was--"
"Do you feel better?" he asked, grinning.
"Yes." She surprised herself--and him--by laughing out loud. She felt liberated somehow, in that simple exercise--her blood coursed through her like lightning, and the sweat was welcomed moisture on her skin. "No wonder you all enjoy fighting so much," she said, enjoying even the fatigue gnawing at her muscles. "I never knew."
Goku helped her to her feet and patted her on the back. "I'm glad. Now let's go get something to eat--I'm starved!"
Koan nodded, following him back to the house that had become her home. She reveled in the fiery new spirit she felt in herself. This joy, this feeling--surly this is what Father meant. She smiled at Goku's back as he led the way, and at her son as he gawked at her sudden change. Fighting, as is our nature. Loving--our deeper nature. A Saiyan is strongest when surrounded by its own, defending those he cherishes. Maybe…I can become the Saiyan my father wanted me to be.
"Koan, you look different," Chichi remarked as soon as she'd entered. "And you're all sweaty. Have you been fighting?"
"Just a bit," she admitted. "But I'm fine--I feel amazing. Can I help you prepare the food?"
"Oh, of course. Thank you." Chichi giggled at her friend's new-found enthusiasm. "My, you've certainly perked up. I don't know what you did, Goku, but I don't think I've ever seen her so happy."
Koan smiled, and mussed her son's hair affectionately. "You're right," she mused aloud. "Goku, Chichi, everyone--thank you. Now let's get some food made."
That night, after everyone had gone to bed, Koan crept outside to watch the stars. Though the mountain scenery was buzzing with the sounds of distant animals, she couldn't imagine a more peaceful setting. With her head tilted back she took in heaven's canopy. It was there that the peculiar feeling came over her again. In her newly discovered clarity she was able to recognize the emotion: loneliness. At first she didn't understand; she had her son, her friends, and a life she could be proud to enjoy. What more did she require?
The answer came to her swiftly in the memory of two dark eyes, deeper than the night's blanket above. Koan inhaled sharply. Vegeta. Always Vegeta. More than ever she was desperate to see him, so that she might share these new revelations with him. Whether or not he understood, she had to find a way to explain, to teach. She wanted to divulge his hidden secrets, to find the enigmas in his mysterious past and draw them out. And she wanted him to do the same for her.
Koan wrapped herself in her arms and closed her eyes. She said a prayer then, not to God or Buddha, but to the stars that watched her curiously from their perfect perch. Someday, I'll make him understand. Please, let him understand what I feel now.
Several weeks passed after that day. Cumber, Gohan, and Goku spent as much time training as possible with the blue-haired boy's warning forever fresh in their minds. Koan often joined them; though she wouldn't be of any help against a major enemy, she enjoyed the outings and the exercise. Presently the two young boys were seated at the kitchen table, studying. Goku had long since given up trying to assist them, and was doing hand-stand push-ups in the corner, where Chichi wouldn't see him. Koan smiled. She never tired of the Son family's antics.
Cumber twirled his pencil around his fingers. "Hey Gohan," he said suddenly. "What do you think the androids will look like?"
"I don't know. Maybe…like robots?"
"I wouldn't worry about that now," Koan told them gently. "They won't be here for a while."
Chichi entered from the other room, and immediately Goku pulled an open book over so that he could pretend to read while he trained. "That's right," she said. "Right now all you have to concentrate on are you studies."
Cumber made a pouting face, and Gohan shrugged. They returned to their work.
Koan smiled at the two boys as they studied; but just then her senses were alerted by a flare of power, approaching from space. Goku must have felt it as well, as he quickly righted himself. The two exchanged a quick glance. "It's Vegeta," she said, recognizing the all too familiar spirit. "He's a bit weakened--he's probably out of food again."
Goku nodded, but he didn't relax just yet. Several times in the last seven months Vegeta had returned from his training journey to restock and heal. Though he'd never bothered the Sons or Koan and Cumber, Goku had long since learned to be wary when the Saiyan prince was concerned. He took a seat with the two boys and tried to appear interested.
Cumber had lifted his head at the mentioning of Vegeta, and was monitoring his progress now. "He's coming closer," he reported, drawing everyone's attention. "He usually doesn't come this close."
Koan licked her lips. He was coming closer--too close, as far as she was concerned. She surprised herself, though, in that she wasn't nervous. Usually the thought of confronting Vegeta filled her with dread, but now she was almost eager to see how much he'd improved--not only in his fighting. She wondered if so long being isolated had affected his stubborn pride, or if he'd crossed the Super-Saiyan barrier. Even if he hadn't, she wanted to see him again, for some mysterious reason.
The ship landed on a ridge not far from Goku's home--a proximity Vegeta had never dared. Koan moved to the window, but she couldn't see anything over the trees. She reached with her senses the way Goku had taught her, following the movements of Vegeta's spirit. What is he up to? He's…powering up? "Goku…."
"I know." Goku was already at the door, his face serious. Chichi, Gohan, and Cumber watched from the table. They waited.
The explosion came a minute later, causing the boys' books to rattle as the shock wave spread. Koan shuddered as the ground shook beneath them. He has improved. By a lot. But that's not the same. She looked to Goku; he could tell. That's not the power of a Super-Saiyan.
For several minutes the explosions continued at random intervals, rumbling the small mountain home and its occupants. Goku stood by the door, perfectly calm. When the blasts began to approach closer to the house, however, his expression hardened. Then he brightened abruptly. "Well, I'm gonna go check on him."
"Dad…." Gohan frowned with concern.
Chichi was just as worried. "Goku, you're not going to--"
"I don't want to fight," he added quickly. "But if he gets any closer, we'll have a problem."
"I'm going with you," Koan said. Her skin had begun to prickle with heat, leaving her strangely anxious.
Goku regarded her quizzically, and shrugged. "Sure. Just be careful, because he doesn't seem to be in a good mood." He opened the front door, letting in a sweepings breath of hot summer air. "Damn Vegeta, making me come out in this heat…." Together they took to the air.
They found Vegeta a mile away, standing atop a rocky outcropping, firing off shot after shot. The energy blasts were aimed at another ridge, which was too close to Goku's home for comfort. He didn't notice as they approached. When Goku touched down, however, the prince immediately stopped. Slowly, he lowered his hand and straightened his posture. Koan was keenly aware of the tension drawing his muscles taunt, and its cause.
"So, you're here," Vegeta stated calmly. He did not turn to face them. "Kakarot. What do you want?"
"You're blasting pretty close to my home," Goku replied in an almost friendly tone. "There are other uninhabited areas around here."
"Your home? Huh. I'll remember that."
Koan exchanged a look with Goku, praying he'd understand. He did. "When you're bored with training, you can come with us," he said. "We'll get you some food."
The prince didn't relax for a moment. "Alright. Fine. I'm through testing myself for now." He turned around at last, fixing the pair under his thick stare. Koan was momentarily taken aback. Vegeta had changed dramatically since the last time she'd seen him. It wasn't in his appearance--Goku didn't seem to notice--but something in way he carried himself. His skin was rough, and bloodless around his knuckles. The black eyes that were usually bright with determination had grown dull and strained. He was tired. In his every breath and movement she could feel it.
"Good. I'll lead the way," Goku offered. He took to the air, Vegeta following a moment later, Koan bringing up the rear.
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