In Which We Find Our Immortality
Chapter 4: Searching for the Courage
Thursday passed uneventfully. Collin took his history final, passing through the questions with ease. The thoughtless recalling of ordered facts helped settle his anxiety over his dreams. As the morning passed into afternoon and then evening with no sign of Cloud—or any other disturbances—he began to relax. His sisters caught on right away that he was distressed, and they did everything they could to lift his mood. He was grateful for their thoughtfulness.
The next day, Friday, was his last final: English. He completed the grammar portion quickly, as the literature section would be more of a challenge. Son enough, however, he was finished and allowed to leave.
Colin was about to exit the school and return home when he passed a classroom that had recently released its students: Miss Madlefeld's room the teacher of ancient religion. Tess was taking the advanced class on Cetra Religion, even as a freshman. She was envied by her peers. On a whim he decided to wait for a moment. As he'd expected, Tess was the last out of the class.
"Collin!" She immediately spotted him and ran over. He felt a sudden rising of pride at her concern for him. "Are you okay? I haven't seen you for a while. I was worried."
Collin smiled reassuringly. "I'm fine. Just a little spooked, I guess." He was hit by inspiration; an idea that would not only delight her, but give him more excuses to see her in the future. "Are you busy now? Can you come with me?"
"Huh?" Tess cocked her head to the side, genuinely interested. "Where to?"
"Phoenix Central," he said briskly, already heading out of the school. She quickly ran to catch up. "I can go in whenever I want." He glanced back at her and smiled. "I want you to meet someone."
When Tess realized what he meant, her lips twisted in an excited grin. "You—you don't mean—"
"Yup. But you gotta hurry, or we'll miss him."
After that Tess had no problems in matching his pace.
The Phoenix Central building was easily the largest in Rocket City in terms of area. If the offices were split and laid on top of each other to make more floors, its height would have rivaled that of the old Shinra tower. Without the many maps and help stations scattered about even some of the oldest employees would have difficulty finding their office every morning, or maneuvering about the building.
Collin was the exception. He moved swiftly through the corridors, never pausing once to glance about, all the way to a small, quiet group of offices located at the building's furthest edge. He couldn't help but smile at Tess's excitement. To him this route was a simple path to see a friend; to her it was like a mysterious, fascinating labyrinth with an immortal beast at the center. He chuckled a bit at the thought.
"What's so funny?" Tess asked.
"Nothing." Feeling suddenly courageous he added, "You're cute when you're excited."
The girl blushed, which only served to lift her companion's mood higher. They continued to the last office in the row. On the door was printed, in bold letters, VINCENT VALENTINE.
Tess was holding her breath as Collin opened the door and led her inside. She was a bit startled to see only Marlene seated at her secretary desk, typing on her keyboard. The woman glanced up as they entered. "Oh, hello there, Collin. Who's your friend?" She paused in her work. "Oh wait, it's Tess, isn't it? Your friend form school."
"Yes," Tess answered, stepping to the desk so that she could shake her hand. "Tess Raven. I remember seeing you when I spoke with Mr. Nanaki last year. I…was hoping I could speak to Mr. Valentine."
"Oh? I should have known." Marlene winked. "He's in his office. I'm his secretary, Marlene Wallace."
Collin suppressed his laughter as Tess nearly pounced on the woman. "The Marlene Wallace?" she exclaimed. "Barret Wallace's daughter?"
"The only." She smiled in embarrassment. "But you don't want to talk to me. I'm sure Vincent would be more interesting."
"I do want to talk to you," the girl contradicted. "You knew The Flower-Seller, didn't you? I—"
"Tess, calm down," Collin said with a laugh. "Marlene's got work to do. Besides, you know where I live. You can see her anytime."
"Well…okay," Tess agreed reluctantly. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Wallace. It really is."
"You too, Tess. I'll be there on Saturday." Marlene walked over to the door to Vincent's office and knocked, receiving a call from the inside that made their visitor giggle. "Go on in. He won't mind."
"Thank you." Tess skipped to the door and bravely opened it. Collin smirked and followed her in.
Despite all her studying and experience, as Tess opened the door she had no idea what to expect. Of all the Avalanche members, this man was the hardest one to research; there was simply no one who'd known him. And now he was just beyond the door! She forced herself to exhale or risk passing out.
The door opened. A well-kept office was revealed, as well as its owner. Vincent Valentine was sitting at one of his computers, staring at the monitor. He didn't look up, as if whatever was projected on the screen demanded his full attention. Tess didn't mind, allowing herself to make a complete scan of him. He was tall and very slim—and handsome. She hadn't been able to determine a satisfactory amount of detail from her father's photograph. She grinned to herself; new photos would have to be taken.
"You must be Collin's friend, Tess," the man said, and she found his polite, quiet manner of speech enchanting. His eyes flickered to her for a moment; his gaze was sharp but not obtrusive, as if making a quick view and judgement of her. "The actress."
"That's right," she replied cheerfully, hiding her surprise at his instant recognition. I wonder what Collin's told them about me…. She moved forward and extended her hand. "A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Valentine."
Vincent reached across his body to shake her hand with his right, then paused, as she was holding out her left. Before he had the chance to make a decision she took his claw and shook it as if having not noticed its appearance. The smooth surface of the metal was warmer than she'd imagined it to be. He retrieved his hand slowly. "And you too, Miss Raven. I was impressed by your piece about the former President Rufus."
Tess grinned. "That's quite a compliment. Thank you."
The man regarded her silently for a moment, thoughtful and curious. His red eyes were gleaming intelligently, and she couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. "Can I help you?" he asked after a short pause.
"Tess has been wanting to meet you for…well, a long time," Collin answered for her. She nodded vigorously.
Vincent's pleasant expression faltered briefly. "I suppose you'd like to do a piece," he rejoined with a faint smile.
The girl considered her answer carefully. She remembered how reluctant Nanaki had been the year before in speaking to her, and Cid as well. Both were willing to speak of the Fallout, but when it came to their own lives things changed. They didn't want their personal lives exposed to a crowd. Thought she was thrilled with the prospect of telling this man's story, she could tell that he wasn't up to it. She knew by the way his claw twitched nervously.
"Mr. Valentine," she said at last, "my every waking hour is spent preparing for a future piece. But I don't have a project in mind right now." She smiled. "After Saturday I'll be done performing until Fall."
"So, you've come to…."
"Talk." Tess pulled up a chair and said beside him. Despite the red eyes and potentially dangerous claw she didn't fear him in the least. In fact, she felt very safe in his presence. "This is extraordinary for me. I've spent my entire life studying you and your friends."
Vincent seemed to relax a bit, and adjusted his chair so that he could face her more easily. Collin leaned against the computer desk. Tess glanced at him and flashed a brilliantly thankful grin.
Collin was beaming.
The air had a distinctly different feel about it. Cloud raised his head, absorbing every smell and sound from the atmosphere. He closed his eyes, listening to the rumble of trucks in the distance, and the murmurs of people passing by. For several minutes he stood very still, familiarizing himself with the city. It had been weeks since he'd been around so many people, and even longer since he'd been in a city this large. His senses, having become accustomed to monitoring silence, were a bit overwhelmed.
The warking of his chocobos reminded Cloud of his task. He strode out to the space of lawn in front of the motel; the owner had allowed him to use it for his animals for a fee. They flapped their stubby wings impatiently. "Quiet now," he soothed, seating himself between them. He opened the sack of greens he'd gathered from outside the city; without the chocobos around anymore, they grew like weeds. His gold chocobo, Bobbie, nearly lunged at his hand. After surrendering the food to her he turned to its companion, removing the muzzle.
Nu snorted indignantly, scratching her face with her claws. "You wouldn't have to wear it if you stopped biting people," Cloud told her sternly, handing out the greens. She chose to ignore him.
Cloud sighed, running his fingers through the bird's thick feathers as she ate. He'd always been very proud of Nu, despite her temper, a she was most likely the fastest chocobo that had ever lived. He'd breed her from Bobbie and Teioh under Joe's permission, with a special nut he'd discovered in the south. Though quick to anger she was fiercely loyal to her master, and her mother.
Bobbie was watching Cloud, her large black eyes pleasant and inquisitive. She chirped and whistled—after being with the pair so long Cloud had begun to interpret the patterns of their calls and warks as if it were a very crude form of language. She was questioning his intentions.
"I don't know what I'll do," Cloud said wearily. "I came here to see everyone…but…." He sighed, lowering his head. "They don't trust me. I can't blame them for that."
Bobbie cooed, upset with his response. Though he didn't always understand her, she always understood him. She nudged him with her beak affectionately, and Nu followed suit, just so that she wouldn't be ignored. Cloud smiled grimly at their attempts to cheer him. Lifting his mood, however, would not be achieved so easily.
When he'd reached Cosmo Canyon and been reminded of the yearly gathering—he refused to think of it as a "reunion"—he'd been filled with something that might have been hope. Hearing of Vincent's progress and adaptation to society had especially inspired him; though he had no coffin to climb out of, his reintroduction to society would be no less dramatic. He'd been proclaimed a failure in every sense of the word. He'd failed to protect the two women he loved, losing both to a cruel fate. Even after Meteor's destruction the planet had found the need to punish humanity—had he not surrendered the Black Materia to Sephiroth in the first place, he would have been able to prevent the tragedies of the Fallout. All his aspirations, dreams, and possibilities he'd discarded for the sake of this empty, wasted life. He'd failed his friends, his world, and himself.
More than that, he'd failed in killing Sephiroth. The memories rested, poison-like, in his blood, always just beyond the realm of his conscious thought, always churning. They filled his nightmares, the bloodies images lingering in his mind even after sleep had ended. Too many time the silver-haired SOLDIER had escaped death, returning against nature's laws to torment the living. Those shimmering emerald eyes terrified him, reminding him of the pain and sorrow and hate. Just when he'd thought that peace was attainable, those eyes returned, mocking his efforts and his sanity.
"Excuse me, Mister."
Cloud continued to groom his animals. He again remembered his purpose in journeying to Rocket City, and shuddered. Facing the boy was asking too much. The hair, the eyes, the movements—they were too strong for him. When they'd meet at the diner only his anger had kept him from backing down in fear. To even look at the boy pushed his endurance to its limits, threatening the careful structures he'd built internally. Even being a child, Cloud feared him. It was too much to fight another Sephiroth. The very possibility made him sick.
"Hey, Mister."
Nu thumped her master with her beak, snorting. Cloud raised his head. A young girl was standing in front of him—perhaps six—hanging onto her mother's hand. Her eyes were bright and curious, like someone he'd once known….
"Can I pet your birdies?" the little blonde asked hopefully, clearly amazed by the large creatures. Bobbie ruffled her wings and warked proudly, which delighted her. "Please, Mister?"
Cloud nodded, and the girl released her mother's hand to give Bobbie a big hug. The mother smiled, happy to see her daughter's excitement. "Thank you, sir. My daughter loves animals, but there aren't any chocobos left around here."
"Chocobos are sacred animals," he replied distantly. He wasn't quite sure how to speak to people anymore. He wondered if she recognized him. "They know better than to come between humans and Clan animals. They've been isolated."
She frowned, clearly a bit uncomfortable with his speaking so candidly about the Clan animals. Humans treaded carefully in whatever they did now, as if even expression certain things would bring the wrath of the planet. "Well, they certainly are beautiful. I haven't seen any since I was a child, and I didn't know that purple chocobos were possible."
"I bred her myself." Cloud tried to keep his responses short. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He chose to leave people alone, the way he wanted to be left alone.
The little girl moved to pat Nu, who didn't appear to like the idea. The great bird opened its beak with the intention of biting her hand. Before she had the chance, Cloud snatched the rope around the chocobo's neck and yanked her back. The girl, surprised, yelped and returned to her mother's side. "I'm sorry," Cloud said. "She's not very friendly with children."
The mother glared at him sharply, angry that he hadn't warned them sooner. She thanked him briskly for humoring her daughter, and quickly led the child away. Those who had watched the scene from the street chose to give him a wide berth. Cloud didn't care. He retreated from the rest of the world, returning to grooming the animals. He didn't need human contact anymore. It was simpler to ignore those things that did not concern him.
Only one Cloud glanced up from his work, taking note of several schoolchildren on their way home—presumably from some sport or club. Among them were two blond girls that he recognized: Cid's youngest daughters, Samantha and Elly. They were watching him, and whispering to their friends. The children attempted to be inconspicuous with their stares, but nothing could keep their curiosity from the two chocobos. They pointed and passed comments to each other.
Cloud watched as the group moved on. Their bright, youthful faces and innocently curious eyes drove through him, bringing a sharp pain into his chest. The memories rose up around him once more, filling his senses with imaginary stimuli. He shook his head to clear away his anxiety. What had he to fear from children? Or any one child, for that matter. After all, a child knew nothing of the hatred, despair, cowardice, and fear that had for so long been in his life. The boy was probably unaware that his power existed, let alone was inclined to use it for destruction or evil. If Cloud could somehow gather enough courage to face him…to explain it to him…could they both receive redemption?
"What do you think, Bobbie?" Cloud asked aloud, turning to the golden bird as it stretched on the grass. "Should I try one more time?"
You should try until it's done her mixed warks and hoots seemed to convey. He smiled grimly at her response and took a deep breath. "Okay. I understand." He lifted his head to the sky, already feeling his uncertainty. The depthless blue rose above him, pure and without any hint of coming danger. Its stainless expanse calmed him a bit. But still he wished for some assurance, or comfort. His eyes grew distant as he searched, the same way he'd done thousands of times in the past for some glimmer or light. "Aeris," he whispered, praying that somehow he'd see that beautiful face. "Why won't you speak to me anymore?"
His pleas were met only by silence.
As soon as Samantha and Elly returned home they told their mother how they'd spotted Cloud in town. "He's staying at Mr. McGregor's motel," the elder reported. "He was grooming his chocobos, I think. But we didn't go near him."
Shera sighed, and thanked them both for telling her. "You don't need to worry about it. Now go get your homework done, because we're going out for dinner tonight. You won't have time later."
"Okay, Mom." The pair dashed upstairs without another word, leaving Shera in the kitchen. She sighed, returning to the book she'd been reading. But she couldn't focus on it anymore; her mind was spinning around Cloud. She hadn't known him as well as Vincent or Cid. They'd met the first time when Cloud brought his team to Rocket Town, and met again the year Daryl was born. He'd changed so much between those two meetings that she nearly thought him to be a different person. Her husband had never been willing to explain his condition to her in full. All she knew for certain was that several events before and after Meteor had led him into some kind of nervous breakdown, affecting him so severely that not even his friends—or his wife—could have help him. He had not seemed so distant the night beofre; merely uncertain and withdrawn, which was perfectly understandable given his reception.
Shera was about to make herself some tea when there was a knock on the door. "Coming!" Collin must have forgotten his key. But he's usually so good about things like htat. She unlatched the door and swung it open. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw that it was Cloud Strife.
"Cloud," she stuttered awkwardly. "I…didn't think you'd be coming back."
"Is Cid home?" he asked, his expression a bit nervous. "I need to speak to him."
"He's not, I'm afraid." Shera bit her lip, unsure as to what she should do. Cid had clearly stated that this man was to not be allowed inside again, but how could she turn him away? He looked tired and old, like the pages of an ancient and forgotten text. His eyes, once bold and intense, were now empty. Surly he was here to apologize…? How could she deny him that chance?
She took a deep breath. "Why don't you come inside? Cid will be home in a while. I can make you something to eat." She moved inside to let him pass.
Cloud entered as if stepping into some sacred temple, carefuly not to touch or disturb anything. He seated himself at the table while she moved to her cabinets. "What can I get you?"
"Anything is fine."
Shera frowned, dissatisfied with her lack of groceries. Finally she settled with preparing the tea she'd intended a moment ago. They always had plenty of tea. And her guest didn't seem like the picky type, either. Neither of them spoke until the drink was ready, and Shera seated beside him.
"I want to apologize for the night before," Cloud said at last, staring at the dark liquid that swirled in his cup. "I didn't mean to cause such and uproar."
"It's not your fault," the woman replied immediately. "I spoke to Marlene; she did invite you, after all. It's…our fault for not understanding."
He had no response for this, so she continued. "We don't mean to be cruel, but I'm sure you can understand our concern. After all, it has been years. That is…."
"I know." Cloud sipped from his drink, not meeting her gaze our even lifting his head. He looked just as nervous as her. "I don't intend to stay long. But I'm finally coming to understand myself. I…wanted to apologize to Cid, and Vincent, and…."
Shera nodded. "And Collin."
"…Yes."
"Can you believe it?" Tess exclaimed as Collin walked her home. "The Vincent Valentine. And he agreed to help me when I start my next piece!" she giggled and spun in a circle. "And he'd be there tomorrow. Oh, I'm so nervous!" she danced about on the sidewalk, attracting many baffled stares. "It better be good!"
Collin laughed at her antics. "Tess, calm down. You'll be great."
Tess stopping suddenly, turning to face him. "Collin, you're the best," she told her deftly. She smiled and, just barely, she blushed. "Are you busy Sunday? We could get together."
"Together?" Collin repeated. He gulped, feeling light-headed suddenly. His brain and tongue and turned to putty. "You mean, like, a date?"
She giggled in embarrassment, and he felt his body growing warm. "Yeah. Not just to talk about Fallout stuff, either. Like, a real date. Is that okay?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah. I mean, of course." Collin grinned. "That'd be great. I'll come get you…at six. If you don't mind walking."
"Sure. Sounds great." Tess gave him a bright smile and began to skip away. He realized then that they'd reached her house. "I'll see you tomorrow!" she called before slipping inside.
Collin waved. Once she'd gone he let out a whoop of joy. With steps lighter than air he ran home, bursting with exhilaration. Finally, a real date! And not just any date—a date with Tess Raven, the most popular freshman at his school! It was too good to be real; he'd been admiring Tess from afar for years, and now, at last, a date! It was all he could do to keep form cheering as he raced down the street.
Collin was in such high spirits that he didn't even notice the chill as he approached his house. He was stopped, however, by the sight of a golden chocobo tethered to their mailbox. A large case was strapped to its back, covered in silver latches. The boy slowed, his enthusiasm quickly draining. His driveway had suddenly become a long, twisted and mysterious path. He gulped, finishing his return with a more controlled pace.
He opened the front door slowly, peeking inside before entering. He could see his three sisters in the living room, their homework spread untouched before them. They continuously exchanged glances with each other, then looked to the kitchen.
Collin swept his gaze left, the hairs on his arms prickling with goosebumps. Cloud was sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the front door. His hands were fastened about a tea cup. The man was suspended, caught by the same mysterious spell that held the boy. Neither moved.
Across the room Shera was speaking into the phone with a hushed tone. She was trying to calm someone on the other end—most likely it was Cid. When she spotted Collin at the door her manner became brisk, and after a short exchange she hung up. "Welcome home, dear."
Collin gathered his courage and stepped inside. The clicking of the door behind him was startling in the silent house. His mother met him and ushered him into the kitchen; her hands were tight on his shoulders. "Collin, this is Mr. Cloud Strife."
Collin nodded, and managed to say, "Hello, Mr. Strife." He thought of Tess's courage in facing him, and attempted to rally some of it in himself.
Cloud didn't look up form his tea, but he nodded, and in a slightly faltering voice replied, "Hello, Collin."
"Mr. Strife came to celebrate your birthday with us," Shera said lightly. "He'll be spending the night here."
Collin's heart skipped a beat, and then continued at nearly twice its normal pace. His eyes snapped shut in reflex. But not seeing was even more frightening, and he forced them open once more. Cloud hadn't moved. The man was still sitting quietly, staring at his hands. The blood had drained from his knuckles and his throat constricted as he swallowed.
He was afraid.
Collin was nearly floored by the realization. Cloud Strife, leader of Avalanche and most likely the strongest man in the world, feared him. He didn't know what to think. His anxiety was gradually replaced by confusion over this new development as more sings became visible to him. What reason had anyone to fear a teenage boy, let alone a global hero. It was ridiculous.
He didn't want to be feared. That in itself was more disturbing that Cloud's presence, because it meant that he was the problem, not their visitor. Only monsters and demons were the enemies of righteous men….
"We're going out for dinner tonight," Shera told them, taking her own tea cup to be cleaned. "Mr. Strife…."
"You don't need to invite me," he responded before she'd finished. "Thank you, but I'd rather not call attention to myself."
"That's fine."
Collin bit his lip—his earlier apprehension had been overcome by this new concern. Please, his mind whispered desperately, his hands trembling at his sides. Please don't fear me.
To his amazement, Cloud stiffened as if having heard. Slowly the man released his cup and straightened in his seat. Collin held his breath.
"How old are you going to be?" Cloud asked softly.
"Fifteen, sir," he replied without thought.
The man nodded, and motioned for him to sit. He did so hesitantly. "At fifteen I was already in Shinra, training for SOLDIER." Cloud paused, thought he still could not face his company. "They don't give you a hard time at school, do they?"
It was a rather awkward question. "Not at all, sir. Why would they?"
"That's good." Cloud sipped from his tea, draining the last of the beverage. He didn't speak again for a while, just sitting.
Collin found the silence to be unnerving. He looked to his mother; she was standing off to the side, amazed and pleased by their short exchange. When she noticed the lull in their conversation, she intervened. "Collin's always been a very bright boy," she said. "And speaking of which, why don't you start your homework?"
"I don't have any homework," he replied. "Today was my last final, Mom. I get out a week earlier than the Junior High, remember?"
"Oh? Oh yes, of course. Then, you can help Samantha and Elly." He tone clearly indicated that she was simply making excuses.
Collin wasn't about to argue. He stood up from the table and moved to the next room, trying to conceal his hastened pace. Before he reached his sisters, however, a chill ran up his arms. He could again hear the mind whisper.
What are you?
The boy gulped, and against his better judgement he turned. Cloud was watching him. Their eyes met, green mixing with iridescent blue, holding them there for no more than an instant. Then Cloud lowered his head and Collin turned away, retreating to the living room.
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*The next one's the big one ^_^