In Which We Find Our Immortality
Chapter 8: Jenova's Perfection
How could he? Vincent stared, disbelieving and angry, as Cloud abandoned his son and friends on the stage of the theater. He just…. He shook his head, pushing those bitter thoughts aside, so that he could focus his attention on Collin. The boy was lying on his stomach on the wooden stage; he'd seemingly given up on fighting, sprawled and whimpering with his face hidden beneath his arms. The wing, however, was still flapping crazily. Marlene, Cid, and Tess held him as Vincent took hold of the appendage with a firm claw.
"Tess." Vincent nudged the girl's shoulder. "You're his friend, right? Talk to him. Calm him down."
Tess nodded; though shaken, she was handling herself well. She crawled to the boy's head and gently coaxed, "Collin. Hey, it's me, Tess. You're okay now."
"Father," Collin moaned dejectedly. "Don't leave me here…help me…."
"Hush, now, okay? Just relax. It's over."
While Tess continued to comfort Collin, Vincent held the wing pinned. "Cid," he said after a moment. "Marlene. Take my place."
They followed his instructions without complaint; they did, however, have some trouble keeping the limb still, as they didn't have their friend's strength. Vincent placed his right hand firmly on Collin's back. The muscles beneath his fingers were tight, being unaccustomed to the foreign object attached to them. He rubbed the boy's back gently, trying to relax them. When Tess met his gaze he nodded. "Keep it up. You're doing fine."
The theater was nearly empty now. A few people were left, gawking at the winged boy and his companions. Some looked terrified, others merely fascinated. Vincent paused when he saw Shera and her three daughters; they were seated at the opposite edge of the stage, shaken and anxious. Shera was speaking to Cassandra Matthews.
"President's here," Cid murmured, having taken notice as well. "This is gonna be trouble."
"We'll worry about it later," Vincent replied. He sighed with relief as the feathered wing ceased its flailing and began to shrink. "There. Finally. He'll be okay now." The three adults relinquished their holds as the limb receded, disappearing into Collin's back once more.
"Mr. Valentine," spoke up Tess. "I think Collin's unconscious." She wiped her eyes and sat back—she'd been crying a bit, but she appeared all right.
"Thank you, Tess." He took a moment to compose himself, recovering from the shock of the past events. This proves it. Cloud was right—Collin does have Jenova. But how could it remain hidden for so long? And why now? Tess's performance…surly.
"He's cold," Marlene said quietly, having checked Collin's pulse and breathing. "He might go into shock."
Cid glanced about, searching for something they could wrap the boy in to keep him warm. Because it was summer, however, no one was wearing any extra clothing. Vincent found the answer first. He cringed. "Tess, give me your coat."
"Now hold on a minute," Cid protested as she obediently handed over the long black coat. "Isn't that…."
"I know. But he's unconscious." Vincent felt a chill as he wrapped Collin in the material. Cloaked in black, the boy's resemblance to the former SOLDIER was more than disturbing—it was enough to unsettle even the battle-worn Turk. "Anyway, we have to get out of here. There are too many people around, and we have to find Cloud." He frowned. "Cloud was right. I should have listened to him."
"No one's blaming you," Marlene started. She trailed off when she saw that President Matthews—with her husband, Broddick Matthews—was heading their way. "What are we going to tell them?"
"We don't f—king know what happened ourselves," Cid muttered. He glanced at Tess. You'd better get back to your friends. This is gonna get complicated."
Tess stared at him, as if not comprehending. "Go? But—but Collin—is he okay?" she asked, clearly concerned. "What happened? Will he be all right?"
Cassandra stood at the edge of the stage, waiting as patiently as her character allowed. Her eyes were cold and demanding—she was in a mood that would allow for no excuses. Unfortunately, Vincent had no answers for her. Though an intelligent woman, she had a stubborn nature when it came to matters as potentially dangerous as this. He ignored her as she spoke to Tess. "Collin will be fine. We'll take care of him, and let you know." He nodded to a group of students huddled in one of the isles. "Your friends are waiting."
Tess glanced in their direction, torn with indecision. He forced his expression to be assuring, and she seemed to trust. "Okay," she said at last. "Take good care of him, Mr. Valentine." She slipped off the stage and was quickly met by several worried teens. They ushered her away from the scene.
Vincent smiled grimly as Tess was led outside. At last he turned his attention to the president. "I don't know," he said, just to settle her first question.
Cassandra scowled. "Don't, Valentine," she replied sharply. "I just watched that boy sprout wings. Don't tell me you don't know what this means."
He was about to contradict her, but Cid beat him to it. "Will you back off?" Cid snapped. "We're just as surprised as you. Do you really think I know what the f—k's going on? If I did, I wouldn't have let this happen to my son, goddamnit."
The president was taken aback by his sudden outburst. While she was sputtering on a response, he went on. "I'm taking my son home. I'll let you know when I know. I don't have any answers for you now, so leave us the hell alone." He scooped the unconscious boy into his arms and slid off the stage. "Get out of my way."
Cassandra stepped obediently to the side. Though as he marched past with family in tow, she began to protest. "Don't you just walk away from me," she demanded. "I am responsible for the safety of this city, and—"
"He's just a boy," Vincent said with a slightly condescending tone. He sacrificed himself as a decoy, allowing Cid, his family, and Marlene to escape out of the theater's back exit. "You've got nothing to fear from Collin, I assure you."
"Anyone with Jenova is a threat," Broddick spoke up at last. He was a tall man—though not taller than Vincent—with broad shoulders and a heavy build. Thick, brown eyebrows pressed down on his sharp, accusing eyes. Vincent had never felt comfortable in his presence.
"He means no harm."
"Anyone with Jenova is a threat," he repeated. His eyes narrowed. "I thought you of all people could comprehend that."
Vincent's left hand formed a fist involuntarily. He forced himself to be still, and returned his attention to the president. "Cassandra, you must trust me. We will take care of Collin—we're the only ones who know how. But I do value the safety of this city," he added, "and if he is dangerous, we will find a way to deal with it." He glanced at Broddick, looking for a complaint. The man only grunted.
Cassandra crossed her arms distastefully. "You have until tomorrow. Then I'll come and see for myself. If you can convince me that he is not dangerous, we may go along with your suggestions and supervision. But," she continued icily, "if I believe he is a threat to this city, I will take measures of my own. Is that clear?"
"Yes." It was all he could have hoped for. "Thank you, Cassandra." He felt Broddick's harsh stare on his back as he turned and followed after his friends.
Cloud paced back and forth savagely, flattening grass and weeds beneath his pounding boots. His eyes never left the ground; he ignored the passing strangers and the looks from his chocobos. He'd returned to Cid's house in a frenzy—he couldn't calm himself.
The boy has Jenova. You've known all along. And now they all know. They must believe you now. Cloud scowled and ground his teeth. But you didn't really come here to kill him, did you? You wanted to awaken him. Help him. That's why the Weapon Griffins followed. They could tell.
"I didn't come here to kill him," the man spoke in a harsh whisper. This he repeated to himself several times over as he paced. "It can't be the only way. Vincent was right—it's not too late." He shuddered as some part of him thrust painful memories into his view. He closed his eyes and tried to beat them down. So much blood…. But he couldn't. How could he harm his son? Even if he did have Jenova.
He's a monster, like you. History always repeats. You can't help that.
"No," he breathed, trying to escape his own quiet reasoning. The voice was calm despite his anxiety and restlessness. "There's another way."
There is no other way.
"There has to be. I'll find it."
There is no other way.
"But what about Vincent?" Cloud was silently thankful when he could conjure no response to his own question. After all, Vincent Valentine had been injected with Jenova nearly fifty years ago—he'd managed to survive, and find a peaceful life. Surly he was the key to this. Collin could find the same happiness.
Vincent lives in ignorant bliss. If he knew, he would become the same as you.
Cloud sank wearily to the ground. He lay on his back between Bobbie and Nu, staring blindly at a blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds. How dare it be so relaxed when he was in such turmoil. He cursed his namesakes for their indifference. "I don't want them to be like me," he murmured, letting his anger and desperation melt into despair. "There…must be…." His eyes searched the far-cast blue, as if he could see Heaven if he looked hard enough. "I'd rather him die than end up this way…like me. This isn't living."
You can save his life but not his sanity. You knew that when you came.
Speak to them. Explain. Then decide.
Cloud sighed; it was a lonely, dejected sound which quickly attracted the attention of his two animals. They moved close to comfort him. He lifted his hand, and Bobbie nudged it with her beak affectionately. "What can I do?" he asked of them. "I will explain. But will it change his fate?" He gazed again into the depthless blue above him. "Aeris," he whispered. "Speak to me. Why won't you speak to me?"
When Cloud had returned after destroying Sephiroth and Meteor sixteen years ago, he'd been in bad shape. The shock of being severed from the SOLDIER and Jenova, combined with the helpless horrors of the Fallout, had left him nearly raving mad and lost in depression. He'd gone immediately to Tifa for help—she was the only one who could possibly try to understand. She'd helped as best she could with his sorrow, anger, injustice, and paranoia. But more than that, Aeris had been wit him. He still remembered being pulled from the nightmares by her innocent voice; her gentle presence comforted him. She had saved his mind from insanity.
But when Cloud's devotion to Tifa took another turn, all that had changed. With Aeris still present in his life, considering marriage had become a far off possibility. Torn with indecision, his condition had worsened. That was when Aeris decided to let him be. She faded back into his mind and ceased speaking to him for the sake of his own content. Two months later, he married Tifa.
Since then Aeris had tried to remain out of his life. Thought it had been best to end both their tortures, he missed her now more than ever. He needed someone to guide and reassure him—why couldn't she do that? Why not now, when his son's life was at stake?
"Aeris…." Cloud began to tremble, reminded of her cruel end. Of course she had no reason to interfere—Sephiroth had killed her, so why raise her voice to spare an enemy? Her silence was her answer; an answer that might save more lives than he could ever hope to. He didn't want to believe that Aeris would ever condemn anyone, but still….
Cloud.
Cloud jerked upright, desperately scanning the area for a trace of the voice's origin. Had he been dreaming when he heard Aeris? His eyes only revealed to him a group of people heading his way; Cid and his family. They were watching him.
Bobbie nudged him. "I know," he said, pulling himself to his feet. "Be a good girl." He took a deep breath, preparing himself as everyone approached.
Cid was in the lead with Collin, and Cloud shuddered, startled by the black coat. His throat constricted as he swallowed, and his feet shifted, but he stayed still. He waited until the captain stood before him.
But Cid kept going into the house, his three daughters followed with downcast eyes. Then went Shera, still trying to clean her face of tears. Marlene, however, paused before entering. She glanced at Cloud, then at Vincent, who had traveled at a slower pace than the others. "Cloud," she said quietly, "will you please come inside? You were right, and we need you to explain."
Cloud nodded. He followed Marlene inside, and a moment later, Vincent joined them.
Daryl helped her mother unfold the living room couch into a bed, and Collin was placed on it—after being relieved of the black cloak. Samantha and Elly hurried in with blankets, and Cid and Shera heaped them over her son. Cloud watched. They treated the boy with great care, and a kind of tenderness that had always eluded him. He came forward slowly.
"Cloud," Cid started. He stood back as Shera took a seat on the bed's edge. "Do you know what happened back there?"
Cloud nodded, still staring at his son. Collin's face was drawn tight in pain, and his breath was shallow. "It's Jenova," he murmured, allowing any emotion he might have felt to simply slip away. Had he not been able to do this, the memories would be far too painful; distance from reality, oddly enough, was the only thing that kept him sane anymore.
Daryl, Samantha, and Elly seated themselves on the floor around Collin's sofa-bed, intent on listening. Cid moved to the open window and lit a cigarette. Shera waited, and Vincent found a place against the wall as Marlene offered Cloud a seat beside her on the loveseat. He accepted.
"We want to hear everything," Shera said quietly. "Anything you can tell us. Please, tell us what's happening to him."
Cloud licked his lips. He spoke with a clear, even tone that held no emotion. "Collin has Jenova inside him. He got it from me—I've had it for so long that my every cell has been saturated with it. My best guess is that Collin's has been dormant until now."
"Is that possible?" asked Marlene. "He was tested."
"I'm sure it's possible." He closed his eyes, mostly so that he wouldn't have to see Collin anymore. "If you'd experienced what I have…anything is possible. I have no doubts that Jenova has some method of concealing itself."
Cid exhaled heavily. "Why didn't you tell us—"
"I did." Cloud glared at him sharply. "I told you when you took him, and I told Vincent yesterday. You never believed me."
The former captain cast him a displeased look. How could I believe you? his eyes seemed to say. You were mad. "Go on," he grunted.
"I've spent the last ten years thinking," he continued. "Slowly, it began to make sense. Jenova is a virus. Its DNA inserts itself into that of its host, and part of Jenova's soul mixes with that host's soul. The body and mind are made to be like the center: Jenova Perfect."
"Jenova's soul…" Vincent murmured thoughtfully.
"Yes. In both of us. Jenova's center was destroyed by Holy, but part of it lives inside us."
Samantha spoke up then; he was surprised that an eleven year old girl had followed him so well. "Can the parts in you revive Jenova Perfect?"
Cloud shook his head quickly negative. "No. At least, if it were possible, we would have known by now."
"But Collin has Jenova in him," said Daryl. "He's…been mutated, right? To be like Jenova?"
"You could say it that way. Let me explain." He didn't wait for any more comments. "Jenova considers itself to be perfect. That's why when a person—or anything—is given Jenova, its skills increase; she wants a worthy host. The powers are to make sure that the host stays alive."
Vincent looked as if he were about to question, then refrained. Cloud didn't notice. "But there's more to it. Jenova's power is mostly psychic; she can accomplish mostly anything simply by thinking of it. Her power follows her instinct of survival. But humans aren't perfect; we can't control power that way. Our minds aren't ruled by simple patterns and instinct, like a virus is. That's where the side effects occur."
Shera glanced at Collin with worry. "Side effects?"
"Abnormal powers. Mood swings. Jenova cannot distinguish between instinct and emotion, because she has no emotion."
"You know an awful lot," Cid commented suspiciously. "Considering Jenova's been gone almost twenty years."
"Try living with her in your head those twenty years," Cloud retorted, though he held no bitterness towards the man. "You learn a lot through experience."
Shera intervened before any arguments or accusations could start. "Cid, please. We asked to hear the truth and he's telling us. For Collin's sake."
Her husband regarded her knowingly, and relented. "Yeah, I know. Go on, Strife."
"You were talking about side effects," Marlene offered.
Cloud acknowledged her with a slight nod. "Like I said, Jenova doesn't understand emotions. But because she wants her host to survive, she'll tap into a person's brain and draw out their survival instinct. That's why we can act so violently when we feel threatened." He cast a glance at Cid, reminding them of that morning.
"But there's something else." This is where it gets difficult. "Because Jenova assumes that everything in our minds must be devoted to survival the way hers is, she amplifies our thoughts. She taps into emotions and memory, drawing out our deepest fears and desires and making them reality."
"What do you mean?" Vincent asked. His full attention was on the man.
Vincent won't believe me, Cloud thought to himself. And if doesn't, none of the others will, either. But they have to know. "It's hard to explain without an example. First, there's me." He took a deep breath. "I've always been a coward. Ever since I was a kid, I didn't fit in. I wasn't very good at fighting, and I didn't have any friends. I thought joining SOLDIER would change that, but I never made it that far.
"However, I did meet Zack. He was really popular—a real lady's man. Not only that, but he was also the strongest First Class member other than…." He shook his head, refusing to speak the name. "I would have done anything to be like him. To be him."
"So you're saying that Jenova gave that to you?" asked Samantha, seemingly enthralled by the short story. "She made you strong?"
Cloud nodded slowly. "She gave me power, altered my personality, eve rewrote parts of my memory. She gave me everything I wanted."
Vincent started to protest, but Shera beat him out. "What about Collin? Are you saying that he wanted to be like this?"
At least someone is listening. "No. I told you that Jenova can't distinguish between emotions, so any strong feelings—your deepest fears—are also manifested." He could feel Vincent still glaring at him, but he paid no attention. "Watching Tess's performance may have raised similar feelings inside him. If you believes he is…the SOLDIER, then that is what he will become."
Shera covered her mouth with her hand, horrified by what he implied. Elly hugged her mother warmly as comfort. Cid watched her from the window; they were eyes that Cloud recognized. "Tell us more," the older man said quietly. "Collin was born looking the way he does. Was that Jenova, too?"
Cloud took his next breath very slowly. Sharing this new truth would open him up to new accusations, ones he wasn't sure he could take. But this was the most important of his knowledge; it had to be shared. He closed his eyes, hoping that they would hear him out before condemning him.
"It's my fault." There was no going back now. "I…made him what he is."
"You did?" Marlene echoed. He could tell by her voice that she was disappointed. Marlene had been trying for years to bring him back into their circle, to convince everyone that the blame did not rest on him alone. If she knew the truth, though, she would be quickly become the last one to forgive him.
"After Meteor, all I could think about was Him." Cloud gulped. "I was out of my mind. I was waiting for him to come back, like he always came back. I thought that if he did come back, just one more time, then I could finish it for good." A low sigh emptied from his lips. "Jenova managed to make that happen, too."
The living room fell silent for several long moments. The only sounds in the room were that of Collin's labored breathing, and the soft puffing of Cid's cigarette. "F—k," Cid muttered at last. "You're a sick f—k, Strife." He paused. "The truth. Is Collin really Sephiroth reborn, or just some look-alike substitute for your sick game?"
That was the one question Cloud had no answer to. "I don't know. He and I are somehow connected mentally; he probably draws what he knows about the SOLDIER from my memory." He paused. "I was thinking about Him during the performance today. Remembering our fight. If Collin was able to receive those images from me somehow, it might have caused him to transform. Otherwise…"
"Otherwise…?" Shera echoed.
"Otherwise Jenova took me literally, and resurrected the real SOLDIER somehow."
"That can't be right," Marlene said instantly. "Collin is a good boy. He's never hurt anyone."
At last Cloud opened his eyes, though he raised them to no one. "He's a smart boy. He's very skilled, isn't he? Even He was a rational, talented man before he went mad. And looking at Vincent now, you'd never imagine what he's capable of."
Vincent bristled, obvious offended by his remark. "So you're saying that Jenova draws out desire?" he asked, his tone tipping on anger. "That Sephiroth wasn't controlled by Jenova, but chose his fate? How can you explain everything he did?"
Cloud shrank back involuntarily at the mentioning of the man's name. He recovered himself quickly. "Jenova not only draws out emotions, but amplifies them. As Hojo's son, I'm not surprised that he went mad. Men don't need Jenova to lose their minds—she just makes it easier. Remember what we told you about Dyne?"
Vincent was taken aback, and his eyes quickly leapt to Marlene. She lowered her head to avoid seeing them. "Yes," he murmured. "I do."
Dyne, Marlene's biological father, had lost his mind after the destruction of his hometown. Cloud still remembered the man's wild, blood-thirsting eyes. "I'll destroy this desert, this city, the whole world!" he'd said. Sephiroth had even better reasons than Dyne to want such destruction. The only difference between them was that Sephiroth had the means to do it.
"Can Jenova be taken out?" asked Samantha, turning their attention back to Collin. "We can help him, can't we?"
All eyes turned hopefully to Cloud. Again he closed his eyes; he'd seen to many of those kinds of looks in his lifetime. "No. Jenova cannot be removed or killed. It can be lived with—Vincent is proof of that. But that's not permanent. Sooner or later, whether your life is threatened or you simply get angered by a friend, the cycle will begin. The more you hate, the easier it is to hate." His own experiences caused his voice to lower. "In the end…you destroy those you love."
"So what is the answer?" asked Shera desperately. "Vincent, how do you do it? What can we do for him?"
"Just don't piss him off," Daryl muttered. Her sister elbowed her sharply.
Vincent frowned thoughtfully. "I haven't transformed in years. "I…guess it's been so peaceful that…." He broke off and, as Cloud had anticipated earlier, said, "Are you saying that I created Chaos?"
Cloud held up his hand for silence—he didn't want to have to discuss it in front of the children, and others who wouldn't understand. "There's only one way to be rid of Jenova," he went on. "To not feel anything at all, so that is has nothing to amplify."
"That's not living," Marlene said quietly. "Cloud, you can't live like that. It must be awful…."
He didn't reply to that. He'd come too far, lived too long with his struggles to start caring or accepting sympathy now. The sacrifice was one he'd made a long time ago, and it had kept him—and many others—alive. "Collin is a teenager," he said. "It's a difficult time for a boy. You can't protect him from something that's inside him." He pushed to his feet. "Now please, I am tired."
Cid sighed, flicking his cigarette out the window. "I'll take Collin up to his room," he offered, stirring the group to life. "He'll probably be out for a while. Girls, help your ma. I think we're all hungry."
"Okay, Dad," responded Daryl. As the eldest daughter she led her siblings into the kitchen, and began to search the cabinets for a suitable dinner. Shera stood, preparing to follow, but when she looked back at Collin she burst into tears. Marlene quickly moved to comfort the older woman. They left the living room, and Cid lifted Collin out of bed to be moved.
That left Cloud and Vincent.
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