In Which We Find Our Immortality
Chapter 16: Loving Without Love
When Collin awoke, he was more confused and distraught than ever. His first concern was that he could not see what he was resting on. He was doubled over, something pushing into his gut, soft feathers tickling his knees. A chocobo snorted, and its proximity forced him to realize his position. I'm on a chocobo. But…how? Nu? Why can't I see her, or myself? He passed his hand over his face, detecting only a faint glimmer of movement. I'm…invisible? What happened?
The next mystery was easier to solve than the first: something heavy and warm was pressed against his back, and he quickly recognized the faint scent as being from Tess. She was draped over him, fast asleep. He blushed. "Tess," he whispered, attempting to wake her up as non-obtrusively as possible. "Hey, Tess. Wake up."
The girl groaned softly, and slowly the weight was lifted from him. "Hmm. Collin?" she asked sleepily. And then, urgently, "OhmyGod, are you okay? How do you feel?"
"Tired." Collin slid off of the chocobo, which grunted at his sudden movement. "What happened?" His gaze swung about the plains, catching sight of a group of trucks far in the distance.
"Cloud cast a sleep spell on you, I think. Then we escaped. I think he's still at that camp over there. It looks like Broddick Matthews set this up. They came just after…you were fighting Cloud." Though he couldn't see her, her hesitation was clue enough to her anxiety. "Do you…remember?"
"Yes." He changed the subject. "Are we under a spell?"
"Yeah. Cloud gave me a materia." He could hear her shifting nearby. "You've been asleep for a few hours, I think. I was worried."
Collin nodded vaguely, pressing spots on his shoulders that stun. Sunburn. Could invisible people get sunburn? His entire body was also a bit stiff, and his forearms were aching. He ran his fingers over his left arm, finding scars that were still healing. The sting didn't hamper his movements too much. He sighed. "I'm just glad Mom wasn't here. She'd've freaked." He paused. "Tess, I'm sorry I got you dragged into this."
"You couldn't have stopped me," Tess rejoined pleasantly. "But are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just a little sore." He stretched, satisfied that Cloud's sleep spell had worn off completely and he had no other injuries. "Are you? You sound tired."
"I fell asleep."
"Oh."
Neither spoke for a while, not knowing what their situation called for. Collin felt guilty about having put Tess in danger; she was his one and true friend, and he'd nearly gotten her killed. And if several hours had passed, she must have been vulnerable that entire time. The Dragons were probably much closer now.
Despite these worries, his eyes were continuously drawn to the distant encampment. Cloud's there some voice inside him whispered. Marlene must be there, too. And the monster that attacked us. Could that have been…Vincent? The demon? But…why…?
"I wonder what they're doing," Tess murmured, interrupting his thoughts. "That camp's been there for hours. They couldn't be waiting for the Dragons…."
"Maybe. But I'm more worried about Vincent." He frowned. "Broddick hates Vincent. They've never been able to work together. And…."
"If that monster was Mr. Valentine," she filled in, "then he'll have an excuse to get rid of him."
"We have to go back," Collin decided. "I have to see what's happening. Vincent's like an uncle to me--maybe even a brother. I can't leave him there. And Cloud…." He hesitated a moment. "I don't know yet. But until I'm sure, I can't abandon him either." It's not that I believe Aeris. I just…need to know. One way or the other.
Nu snorted, flapping her stubby wings so that they beat lightly against Collin's side. "I think she wants you back on," Tess said. "She's pretty smart."
Collin obeyed, gripping onto the reins as Nu stood and trotted swiftly in the direction of the camp. "Hey, hold on," he protested. "We can't just--"
"We're invisible," Tess reminded him. The bird hopped over a rock in the ground, and she took hold of the boy's shoulders to keep from falling off. He blushed a bit but didn't comment. "Nu knows what she's doing. WE can hide in the trees when the spell wears off."
"Yeah." Collin was somewhat startled that Nu could understand his speech so easily. He patted the bird's neck. "Thanks, Nu."
Nu snorted and kept going.
Vincent didn't want to wake up. He prolonged it as long as possible, locking himself in impenetrable dreams so that he wouldn't' have to face reality. But eventually even his subconscious turned against him as well, torturing him with the truth that refused to be ignored. He was driven out, forced into awareness by his own mind.
It was hot, and he was in pain. His arms were stinging from sunburn, and nearly all his muscles ached. His head was pounding. He could also tell that his wrists were chained, as were his ankles, keeping him face down on the ground.
And yet, strangely enough, Vincent wasn't concerned with this. He had suffered more intense pain before, and the fact that he'd been imprisoned did not surprise or alarm him. He could think only of his own failure: Chaos. De-transforming from his demon half had always left him feeling empty and remorseful; however, in the past he'd allowed himself to suppress any feelings of guilt. Chaos was to blame--that was what he'd always told himself.
Thanks to Cloud, he knew this to no longer be true. He had created Chaos, and he alone was responsible for his mutation. His own anger and fear had solidified into a creature of nightmares. He didn't even remember how many people he'd hurt or killed through his selfish purging of emotion.
"Vincent?"
The voice was soft, hesitant, and Vincent froze. It was Marlene. He hid his face in the tall grass, too ashamed to respond to her. Marlene had always been a beautiful and innocent girl, and he could not stand to profane her delicate purity with what he had become.
"Vincent, are you awake? It's Marlene." She touched his shoulder, and he cringed as pain flared through him. She withdrew her hand. "I'm sorry. Are you okay? Vincent?"
"I'm…all right," he finally replied. He swallowed hard, praying that she would comprehend his failure and let him be. "I'm tired."
"Broddick drugged you up pretty good." This voice was deeper, harsher: Cid's. "He's leaving you an' Cloud here as Dragon chow." He paused. "Can you move?"
"Maybe." Vincent tested, and found his muscles to be sore but willing.
"They're gonna try an' drug you again before they go. We'll find a way ta' bust ya' out."
He sighed wearily. Abandoning this position would do them no good--he would always have Jenova inside him. If he escaped the Dragons would follow, or else continue on to Rocket City and destroy it. Then what? Where could he go without endangering someone else?"
"Cid…I can't leave."
"What? Wha'do'ya mean?"
Vincent kept his eyes tightly shut, viewing glimpses of the future from behind the closed lids. "You know it won't solve anything. Cloud was right--the Dragons won't stop, and even if we kill them, more will come. You…can't fight an entire planet."
Marlene's protests came immediately. "Vincent, you can't give up. There has to be some way we can--"
"No." His hands curled into fists, and he gritted his teeth. "Can't you see that I can't let any more people die? It's my fault--it's always been my fault--and I can't selfishly ignore my own guilt anymore." His tone softened. "If my death stops the Dragons, then so be it. Maybe they'll be satisfied, and they won't find Collin."
"But…but Vincent…."
"I've lived too long already."
Vincent could hear Cid exhaling heavily above him. "Christ, Vince, you know we can't just leave you here," he muttered. "Stop acting so f--king noble."
"I'm not," he replied in frustration. "I'm being reasonable."
"You're being an ass. Quit feeling sorry for yourself."
They don't understand. How could they? I…can't let my mistakes hurt anyone else. Vincent sighed, hoping that they would drop the subject--he'd already made up his mind. When they release me, I'll have to leave. If I can transform…I'll be able to get away. My Jenova will lead the Dragons right to me.
Someone touched his head, fingers trembling and cold. Vincent turned just enough to see Marlene kneeling beside him, her face twisted with worry. He hated to see that expression on her face, as he was the cause. She always had worried about him, even when her own concerns were greater than his well-being. She had accepted him and given him hope. He didn't want to see her suffer ever again.
"Marlene," he said quietly, wondering if Cid could hear, "don't be upset. I haven't given up yet. But my fate is clear, and unless another option appears I must take that path. For you, and Collin, and the rest of our family. Do you understand."
She didn't answer. Instead, she looked away and scrubbed at her eyes. "I don't want you to die," she whispered.
Vincent sighed. "I know." He hesitated for a moment before voicing his next request. "Will you hold my hand a while? I can't see you very well."
Her hand closed around his and squeezed tightly; he held it gratefully, even as his fingers throbbed. "You know me well enough," he told her. "Just stay with me a while, and when the time comes, I'll know what's to be done."
Nu stopped several dozen meters away from the camp, setting herself near the base of a tall oak tree. The branches were thick with foliage, perfect for sneaking. Collin thanked the bird--feeling only slightly ridiculous-- and began to climb. Tess followed after. Once in the safety of the branches she took a moment to cancel the camouflage spell. "are you sure this is okay? I've had to re-cast the spell a couple times, so it might be weak. What if they spot us?"
"Don't worry," Collin assured. "They won't be able to see us up here, and if they do, I'll just cast it again. I'm sure it'll be all right." He took the materia from her and slipped it into his pants pocket. "We'll have to save it for when the Dragons come, anyway."
Tess nodded, frowning uncomfortably at the thought of the Dragons. "Okay."
"Follow me." Collin began to make his way down the branch, and from there was able to grab hold of a branch on the next tree. Carefully he made his way through the tiny forest, helping Tess along the way, until they were only twenty feet away from the edge of the camp. He perched on a thick branch halfway up the tree's height and there settled in to observe.
The half dozen army trucks were lined at the opposite end of the impromptu camp. They were facing west, as if ready to depart at a moment's notice. The wreckage of the helicopter Cloud had destroyed was nearby, in the process of being loaded onto the flatbeds by Broddick's team. Broddick himself was supervising their work.
Cloud was easily spotted. He was lying on his back, closest to Collin's hiding place in the trees. His arms and legs were chained to large metal stakes driven into the ground. Like an animal. Collin refused to behold the man's face, instead searching for Marlene. He found her further away, crouched with Cid. Vincent was beside them in a state similar to Cloud.
"What do you think they're up to?" Tess asked, whispering. "I mean…I thought Broddick would…you know, want them dead."
"He must have something in mind." Collin checked his watch. "It's about noon. The Dragon's won't get here for another few hours, I think. Are they waiting?"
"But why? They don't have any weapons big enough to fight a Dragon."
Collin frowned, surveying the camp. She as right. It would be suicide to fight four Clan Dragons with rifles and hand guns. "It looks like they're getting ready to leave," he observed. "Maybe…they're leaving Cloud and Vincent behind?"
Tess inhaled sharply. "The Dragons are after Jenova," she said quickly. "They're going to sacrifice them!"
"Shh." He hushed her silent, fearing that they'd be spotted. "But I think you're right. That bastard Matthews." He scowled. "Well, I'm not going to let that happen. We'll have to spring them out."
"Yes, but how? Even if you're invisible, they've got some weird darts. That's what they used to take Cloud out after he put the spell on you. As soon as Cloud and Mr. Valentine get free, they'll just get shot down again."
"Damnit. We'll just have to wait until they leave."
Collin and Tess settled themselves against the tree trunk, willing to be patient. The boy tried to keep his thoughts focused, to plan their escape, but his mind kept wandering. Aeris's voice drifted back to him from his dream. "Help him find the answers. He loves you…."
He shook his head. Yeah, right. He can't even look me in the face! He gazed down at Cloud, knowing that one glimpse of the man would prove him correct. Cloud was nothing more than a coward.
But when Collin looked, he was startled to find Cloud staring directly at him. He froze, nearly falling from the tree limb. He suddenly didn't know what to do. Facing Cloud was a completely differed matter than simply watching--one he wasn't ready for. For looking into those eyes meant seeing Truth, and that was more terrifying than any of Cloud's cruel words. He expected to see cold, dark hatred, or even stark fear; either expression would be enough to cast doubts into the boy's mind. Doubts about his very identity.
But there was no malice, no terror in Cloud's now dulled blue eyes. They were tired, like those of an old man, and filled with a depth of emotion unseen in him before: guilt, despair, and grief swirled wave-like within those azure pools. His hair was ragged and fell about his sunken face like a shroud, and his clothes were torn and stained. He looked the part of a defeated, forsaken man.
I know what you are.
Collin jumped, startled by the unexpected voice. Unlike the other times he'd heard such a statement, the words held no animosity. They were soft and sincere. The boy leaned forward despite himself, strangely eager. Tell me he pleaded in the silence. For once he'd found the man in a moment of clarity, and he had to accept this chance. Am I Sephiroth? What am I?
Cloud blinked slowly. His every movement was gradual and controlled, even his intake of breath. A rueful smile tugged gently at his dry lips.
You are my son.
The simple words left Collin breathless and paralyzed. He'd known that truth since Cloud came to him the night before, and yet only now did he completely believe it to be true. The possibility of him being Sephiroth had deterred him from accepting the truth of his identity beneath his mind's surface. But now he knew. He wasn't Sephiroth--he was only Collin Strife, no matter what lay in his cells.
And Cloud knew. The deep, subtly rejoicing eyes, the lips curled faintly with guilty remorse but also pride; he knew now that this was his son, and no enemy. No matter how it had been done, he knew. All those years apart had been for nothing, for he no longer feared the boy. The answers Collin had been searching for were there.
Cloud closed his eyes, still smiling, and turned his head away. Forgive me.
Collin was forced to pause. Something had altered just then. "What's he doing?" he mumbled, staring at the camp. "The drug's worn off--he can move. Why doesn't he break free?"
"He'll just be caught again," Tess replied. Her voice sounded a bit unusual when she whispered.
"No one's even watching him. He could make it to the trees, at least." His frown deepened. "They'll probably drug him again before they go. If they do, he'll be powerless when the Dragons get here." He shifted on the branch uncomfortably.
Tess was watching him with calm eyes. "Maybe he's waiting until they try. Or maybe the drug doesn't work on him at all, and he's waiting until they leave."
"Maybe…." Collin shook his head. The answers didn't feel right. Something was happing--he could sense the approach, like the eerie winds of a coming storm. The air was thick and warm. It might have been his imagination, but he felt as if the earth were giving him a warning.
Forgive me.
And suddenly, Collin knew. "He's not leaving," he breathed, gaping at his father in disbelief. "He's gong to stay, and sacrifice himself to the Dragons. But…why?" He began to grow frantic, despite the need for control. "For me? Why? He…he tried to kill me…I…."
"You're his son," was Tess soft response. "He loves you."
"But…but I…." Collin cast his gaze to the man, but he couldn't see his face. "How…?"
Tess hummed thoughtfully, as if unaffected by his anxiety. "I've been thinking. Jenova amplifies all emotions, right?"
"Yeah. So?"
"So you said, 'even good emotions can be dangerous.' If you open yourself to the good emotions, you also let in the bad ones."
He shifted again impatiently. "Uh-huh."
"The only alternative would be to feel nothing at all."
Cloud threw away all his emotions Collin's mind whispered to him. For ten years he wouldn't let himself care for anyone. He did that…for me. He bit his lower lip painfully. It must have been hard--painful. But…those you love, you always betray, so….
"He loves you so much," Tess said quietly, "that he can't love you at all."
"He left…so that he wouldn't hurt me," Collin whispered, his temples pounding with his own distraught heart. "He gave up everything. Even before that…Mother and I…he couldn't love us. It…could have gotten us killed. So he chose this." He nearly cried out in frustration. "God, can't he see? It didn't have to be that way. If only…."
"Cloud always believed that he wasn't good enough to protect anyone," Tess was saying. Her voice was filled with great sympathy. "Ever since he was a child. He never had any dreams come true, so he believes that none ever will. He can only fear the worst. Like when he almost killed him."
Collin turned to stare at him in shock. "What?"
Tess shook her head. Her eyelids fluttered, and when she spoke next, her voice was back to normal. "Uh, Collin? What did I just say?"
The boy stared at her a moment more before he realized. It was Aeris. Somehow, she'd found a way to speak through Tess. He didn't have any time to become angry or grateful, as his thoughts were interrupted by a sudden chill. It was so severe that his teeth chattered. "Damnit, what now?" He searched the camp--taking particular note of Cloud--to see if something had happened. The soldiers were busy preparing as usual. No one seemed to have felt it. But he couldn't stop shivering. "Tess, something's here," he told her. He turned his gaze to the horizon, and still saw nothing.
Tess looked for herself. "I don't see anything."
"Neither do I. But…." He squinted, shielding the light from his eyes. At last he caught a glimpse of a small black dot, high in the air. It was approaching rapidly, and soon three more objects became visible alongside it.
"It's them," Collin reported, his blood running cold. "The Dragons. How did they get here so fast?"
Before he could say more a cry arose form the camp. The soldiers, having finally spotted the approaching creatures, were in a panic. Many scattered, retreating to their trucks. Broddick's voice attempted to rise over the din, shouting orders and curses. He snagged one of the white coat scientists and gesture toward Cloud.
They're going to drug him again. He'll be helpless! I…can I let that happen? The question answered itself before it even formed in his mind. I have to help him.
Collin began to climb down from the tree. "Tess, stay here!" he insisted firmly. "I'm going to help him."
"But--"
"Stay."
He dropped the last several feet, landing effortlessly. There wasn't much time; the Dragons were clearly visible now, moving at an incredible speed. He raced through the grass and threw himself into the scientist that had been heading for Cloud. Both tumbled to the ground. Already terrified and fearing for his life, the suited man stumbled to his feet and fled.
Collin dashed to his father's side. "What are you waiting for?" he demanded, scanning the chains for a release mechanism. "You can break these."
Cloud stared, his eyes wide with incomprehension. "What are you doing?" he asked, so quietly that the boy could barely hear. "Go--you should run."
"I can't. I can't leave you behind!"
Another chill ran down Collin's spine. His head snapped up, just in time to see a flash of brilliant orange light coming from the Dragons. It was coming toward them. He quickly pressed himself to the ground, grimacing at the amount of power. It flashed over the camp, a mass of fire, and impacted in the center of three trucks that had begun to escape. It exploded instantly, leaving nothing save a cloud of smoke and a melted, black frame.
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