Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing...except Logan's heart (I don't care what you all say, he loves me!) ... just kidding
A/N: Aromagik, thanks! It's all good, all the time...I'm going to adopt Herbal's philosophy as my own :-) You're review made me grin, you're awesome! As for the rest of you, why can't you be inspiring like that in your reviews? Just kidding, lol. Anyway, I'm thinking the seventh part is going to be the last one in this series, and I'm still not sure how it's going to end...
Wind of Change
Max was awake, but she was much too comfortable to open her eyes and get up. She could feel Logan's breath on the top of her head, and his arms were wrapped protectively around her. The warmth radiating from his body relaxed her muscles, making her not want to break the fragile moment. Her head resting on his shoulder, she mentally relived the night they had shared together...
Logan had been a gentle, reverent lover. He'd touched her as if she were made of spun glass. Max had never experienced such carefully loving sex before. As if that hadn't been enough, it had also been...amazing. A goofy smile plastered to her lips, she scooted closer to him.
One of his legs was still slung over her, and her head was tucked securely under his chin. They'd been in roughly the same position since falling asleep. Their scents mingling to create one aroma that was distinctly them. Max buried her face momentarily against his chest to inhale that delightful smell.
"Max..." Logan groaned sleepily, his eyes fluttering open to look blearily down at her.
"Hmm?"
"What are you doing?" He yawned and clutched her closer.
"Nothing," she replied, pulling her face away from him.
Logan let out a long, lofty sigh and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. His fingers teased her back with wide, comforting circles. Max's own hands were pressed against his strong chest, the heat from his skin seeping into her own.
"Did you sleep well?" he asked casually.
"Yeah. You?"
"Wonderfully," he smiled. He opened his mouth to say something more but stopped himself. Instead, he treated Max to a gentle squeeze and moved to get up.
"Not yet," Max commanded, pulling him back beside her. She was shocked to find just how immediately after he moved away she missed him. He gave her a curious look but settled back into her waiting arms.
Max cuddled up to him, clinging to the moment. She knew that the moment they got dressed the walls would come back down. The events of the night before would be attributed to their being "emotional" and unceremoniously dismissed. If these were the only moments she could have as Logan's lover, she intended to make the most of them.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, concern lining his magnificent voice. She'd never really noticed just how amazing his voice was until she'd heard it used to groan her name. Pained, she pinched her eyes closed and tried to scoot even closer to him.
Logan's free hand lightly petted the back of her head.
"Max? What is it?" The lining of concern in his voice before had turned fully to worry.
"Nothing," she insisted. "I just don't want to...I don't want to get up yet." She hadn't been able to bring herself to say it, that she didn't want to let him go. That she couldn't bare to have all the progress that they had made forgotten.
"I thought you didn't sleep," he replied, a low chuckle rumbling through his chest under Max's ear.
"I don't want to sleep," she retorted. "I just don't want to get up is all."
"You don't mean that you want to...you know?" he asked, shock the newest emotion to creep into his tone. "I mean...if you wanted to...that'd be okay...you know?" Max grinned inwardly at the way Logan's usually masterful handle on words failed him when it came to sex, but somehow stayed intact in other situations that would turn most men into blubbering piles of skin and bone.
Max wasn't sure how to reply to his question. She wanted to -- God, she wanted to -- but repeating the act would only make things more difficult when they discovered the huge mistake they'd made. However, laying in his arms she was finding it very difficult to say no. Logan, obviously, wasn't having very many regrets if he was suggesting they sleep together again.
"Do you want to?" she asked, refusing to be the one to make the decision.
"Last night was..." Logan paused, as if searching for the right word. Max braced herself for the rejection she heard coming. "...stunning," he finally finished.
"That's a shitty answer to a question, Logan," she replied.
"So was yours," he retorted.
She looked up at him, peering into his achingly clear eyes. They weren't clouded like they had been the night before with hunger and heat. In the dim morning light, they were completely lucid. Choosing to take their relationship to another level the night before had been hormones, presently the choice was vastly different. Logan was no longer asking only for trust, he wanted more.
Max wanted to give him more, but she wasn't at all sure that she had anything more to give.
"I can't help but feel that something's wrong," he pressed.
"Nothing's wrong," Max insisted, a little too vehemently.
"Are you regretting it?" he asked, undeterred. "We can forget it ever happened if you're regretting it."
"Shut up, Logan," Max raised her hand to cover his mouth. She rolled on top of him, looking down into his eyes. They were all together more amazing when unshielded by his glasses. Her nose touching his, she spoke, her lips nearly brushing against his. "I'm not regretting it."
"You're sure?" he asked persistently.
"Yes, damnit," she sighed. "How can I prove to you that nothing's wrong?"
"You sound just a little to insistent about it," he replied. "Like maybe you're trying to convince yourself and not me."
"If you look for trouble, you'll find it," Max replied, digging her fist into his ribs. "Don't make me say that nothing's wrong again."
"I'm just trying to make sure we're not making a mistake," he insisted.
"Logan..." Max rested her forehead against his, not sure where to start reassuring him while she was being troubled by the same issue. "If I thought this was a mistake, I probably would have been gone before you woke up."
The truth in her words surprised even Max. Why hadn't she left before he got up like she normally did? Banging the gong was fun, but she hated dealing with the emotional entanglements that came afterward. For some reason, with Logan she'd simply cuddled closer and patiently waited for his eyes to open.
"Max?"
"What?"
"You honestly can say to me you don't think that was a mistake?" She was still on top of him, but she still felt out of control. The way things were spiraling out of her grasp made her insides clench violently together.
"Are you saying you think it was?" she replied, her defensive walls rising firmly into place.
"I don't know..." he shrugged, trailing his fingers up and down her back. "I'm a grown man Max...hell, I've got about ten years on you. I think maybe sex has become something different to me than it is to you." As she looked down at him, reminded not only of the emotional rifts between them but the rift of time, she couldn't help but think that Logan resembled more of a teenager to her than a man in his thirties. His expressions, his idealism, his naivety all belied the time of his birth. Not for the first time, she wondered how he could have possibly remained so innocent through everything.
"How so?" she finally asked.
"Less of a hobby, more of a..." he hesitated, crinkling his nose as he finished, "human connection."
"I'd say we connected pretty well," Max replied.
"That's not what I meant..."
"I know, but this really is a chat better left for later," she scrunched up her nose in the same way he had, somehow she doubted the expression was as cute on her as it was on him. Logan was one man who, in her eyes, could do no wrong. As far as she was concerned, he could quit bathing and -- given time for adjustment -- she would still find him adorable in a playful kind of way. As disgusting as the thought sounded upon further thought, she was glad that he was as fastidious about hygiene as he was about Eyes Only.
"No, Max, I think now's the time," Logan insisted.
"Did you take a class on ruining the moment?" She asked, reaching behind her to take his hands in her own. "Because, you're really good at it."
"Max, you're not listening," he replied, narrowing his clear, ocean blue eyes.
"Of course I'm listening," she said sweetly, bringing his hands up to pin them above his head. "You want to talk...blah blah blah."
"Max," an edge of irritation was beginning to line his voice. "I'm serious."
Using her strength to keep him from flailing, she sent him a mischievous grin. On top of him, she slowly began to slide down. He was substantially taller than her, and she physically couldn't continue to hold his hands above his head and still seduce him the way she wanted.
"What happened to 'if you want to, it's okay?'" she asked.
"Well...I changed my mind," he insisted stubbornly. Sighing, Max moved back up to look him in the eye again.
"Logan...I'm going to put this to you real simple," she announced. "Let's face it, last night was bound to happen sometime, and whether or not it was a mistake, well...who can tell? I don't know if I'm going to be married to you someday or if I'm going to have to leave next week. In the mean time, there's a little bit of time that we have in light of the moment and if you intend to use it talking about something that we'll never get anywhere with, fine, but please talk and bang at the same time."
The bluntness of her words hit her only moments after they fled from her mouth. Logan's eyes filled with surprise, but not displeasure.
"While we're getting to the point of things," Logan said, trying to hold her still so he could talk. She took an odd about of pleasure in the fact that he found her squirming so un-nerving. "Sleeping with you is...well, phenomenal, but I'm not willing to risk having you walk away because sex got in the way."
Max froze as she was about to shut Logan up -- well, relatively anyway -- with her hand in midair. She was positive that no one had ever said anything even remotely similar to what he had just said to her before.
"You're saying you'd rather we be just friends than be lovers who break up?" she asked.
"Yeah...that's what I'm saying," he replied, rolling out from under her.
"Why?" She was genuinely puzzled, everything he was saying completely conflicted with her previous notions about men.
"If it's just sex to you," he said, the rich tone of his voice wavering, "then let's face it, we don't really need one another for it. I'm sure your aware that just about any guy you asked would be willing to leap into your bed. I'm not into being just another lay." He turned, his wade back facing her, and Max was stunned.
Here I thought I'd be the one with all the emotional entanglements, and Logan's worried that he means nothing to me....
"Logan..." Max sighed, not liking the role she was being forced to take on in comforting Logan's bruised feelings. "You're asking too much too soon. What do you want from me? For me to lay my heart in your hands just because we had a fling?"
His muscles tensed and he shot up quickly in the bed, his eyes pinning her down.
"I expect you to drop the damn cynical tough girl act," he replied heatedly. "I'm tired of having to dig for everything so you can hide behind Manticore for the rest of your life! I'm sick of guessing how you might be feeling because you're too tough to ever admit something's got to you. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, that I'm not the best lover or even half decent boyfriend material...but for once it'd be real nice for you to be honest with me!"
"Honest with you!" Max was the one to jump up this time. "I've been more honest with you than any other person in my entire life, Logan! You think I tell you all about Manticore because it makes good small talk...that I just enjoy reliving it? You go on spouting about how you don't want to become just another notch on a fucking bed post, and yet you somehow just blindly walk past the fact that I've tried my fucking best to give you everything you've ever asked for! How about some recognition for me? When do I become more than the employee, Logan?"
They both sat quietly for a moment, each taking in what the other had said. They each had the presence of mind to blush with embarrassment as it came to their attention just how their actions were viewed by the other.
"You really think that I consider you just an employee?" Logan finally asked.
"You really think that I'd sleep with you just for some fun?" Max retorted.
"I don't you know..." he rubbed his eyes.
"Don't what? Think I'd screw you just for the hell of it, or think of me as another Eyes Only worker?" Max was still feeling oddly hurt, although she refused to admit that her pain was coming from the fact that they'd reached a raw center of nerve she'd tried to keep carefully hidden.
"Both," he answered, waving a hand through the air. "I just...God, this got out of hand...I just wanted to know that sleeping together was as meaningful to you as it was to me."
She pulled the covers up to cover herself, suddenly feeling self-conscious. A stinging lingered at the back of her eyes, but she refused to let Logan see her cry, especially at something as silly as their conversation.
"I'm not into sleeping around," she replied, aware of her voice breaking. Logan's head spun to look at her at the sound, the muscles all through his upper body tensing in a wave of worry.
"Max, are you okay?" he asked, moving back over to her. His hand came up to her cheek where his thumbs gently teased her skin. The protective, worried action was nearly her undoing. Logan did care, there was no denying that any longer. The question was, could Max possibly ever give enough of herself to satisfy their relationship?
"I'm fine," she insisted, turning her face to look away from him.
"No...you're not...I'm sorry," he buried his fingers in her hair and pressed a kiss to her jaw. "Maybe I am asking too much too soon."
"And...maybe I do hide behind Manticore and cynicism too much..." Max gave in, albeit hesitantly. The admission granted her a soft smile from Logan's lips, which moments later were touching her own.
"I didn't mean for the argument to go that far," he murmured against her. "I'm sorry." Logan, with Max's nod indication her acceptance of his apology, became the aggressor. He slowly kissed her, working her mouth expertly until she was breathing hard. Slowly, expertly, he lowered himself on top of her, his hands grazing her sides.
"Logan?"
"Hmm?"
"You don't give yourself enough credit."
He pulled away from her momentarily.
"What do you mean?" She continued to allow her own hands to roam until they came to rest at his hips.
"You said something about not being the best lover in the world," she said, her voice low. "I'd have to say you're definitely in the running, if not the winner."
"You think so?" he laughed, moving seductively on top of her with a cocky grin.
"Well, I don't really have a lot of evidence to go on yet..." she smiled back.
***
Hours later than Max had ever gotten out of bed in her life, she and Logan wandered out of the hotel. The man at the desk took their money with a knowing smile. His hazel eyes took one glance at the overly satisfied couple before he came to the conclusion that their lover's quarrel was over. In fact, Logan and Max had done little since their early morning argument but make up for it.
Actually, she was starting to like the idea of having Logan for a lover.
"Where are we anyway?" she asked when they got into his car.
"I'm not really sure," Logan shrugged, putting the key in the ignition. "Someplace between Coeur D'Alene and Gillette."
"Helpful," Max replied, rolling down her window to let in the fragrant early afternoon air.
"Actually, we should be able to just get back on the highway going East and we can't really miss it," he shrugged. "Not exactly hard to navigate this place."
"You've got a point," she admitted as she stretched and yawned. Logan watched her out of the corner of his eye.
Max felt good, better than she'd felt in a long time. A content kind of satisfaction sunk deep into her, permeating her very core and filling her with more peace than she'd ever remembered feeling. The only hitch she could find in the beautiful spring day was that she had no family to share it with. Zack's absence from her life continued to nag her.
"How long do you think until we get there?" she asked.
"A few hours yet at least," he shrugged. "We probably shouldn't have stayed in bed so late."
"We weren't in bed the whole time," Max reminded him. Logan blushed with embarrassment.
"You have a point," he admitted. "But, you knew what I meant." Max grinned at him from her side of the car. Sun splashed happily in through the window, landing in her lap. Max had never been a person to be very fascinated by the world around her, but in that singular moment she looked at the golden sunshine and it was a beautiful thing. She moved her hand through it, delighting innocently in the way it arched through her fingers.
"Logan?"
"Yeah?"
"What do you think of me...I mean, really?" she asked. "I don't mean 'you're a good girl' or anything like that...like, really, what do you think of when you look at me?"
"Well..." Logan seemed to stumble over his answer. "I'm not sure how you want me to answer that, Max."
"It doesn't matter how I want you to answer it," she insisted. "This morning you said something about how we never really tell each other the truth, so let's start...when you see me, what do you think?"
He bit at his lip and his hands tightened on the steering wheel. Max patiently watched him and waited for his answer. She could almost see the wheels in his head turning, searching for some hidden trap in her question. His hesitation, his inability to throw out his most inner feels and know they were safe with her, made Max apprehensive.
"I suppose I see," Logan paused, swallowing deeply, then started over again. "When I look at you, Max, I see a woman who I am...very fond of...one who is beautiful and has a strength of character that surpasses that of anyone I've ever met."
"Really?" Max asked. "You don't see a genetically engineered killing machine? You don't see Max, the Chimera?" She found it hard to believe that he found it so easy to look past the blood on her hands. Logan was so vastly different than her on so many fronts it was hard for her to merely accept that he was okay with her past.
"Sometimes," he admitted. "Well, some of it anyway. I find it hard to think of you as a killing machine."
"I have you know."
"What?"
"Killed people." She waited for his reaction to the statement. In truth, Max had almost certainly caused her fair share of deaths in her time, but it wasn't something she'd call murder. Despite all of her training, she was finding her heart to be perilously soft. Seeing someone's wide, frightened eyes brought up only disgust in her.
"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" Logan asked suddenly.
"Of what?"
"That you're a bad person," he replied. "You're not. I've seen you do wonderful things, Max. You're a good person...better than most really."
His answer was pleasing to her. The fact that Logan saw someone within her -- someone she desperately wanted to be -- brought a certain amount of hope into her life. A soft smile curving her lips, she leaned across the car and placed a kiss on his rough jaw.
"Thank you," she murmured against his skin.
"Anytime," he replied, shifting a little in his seat.
"Sometimes, I look at Zack and I see Manticore," Max announced. "Then, I turn around and suddenly I see a brother who loves me. Maybe he's not typical, but I suppose he's the only family I have...I haven't had one for so long..."
"You really miss him, don't you?" Logan asked, sounding a little surprised. "Must be a girl thing, I'm not as fond of my family."
Max didn't reply, but looked out the window at the passing landscape. Maybe it was a girl thing, the need to feel protected and safe. Zack's wing around her shoulders was one of the best things she'd felt in a long time, surpassed only by Logan's. Still, there was an empty spot within her that was waiting eagerly for Zack to fill. He was the one thing no one else in the world could be, a brother.
"He's all I have," Max shrugged. She'd clung to him, to the idea of him, for so long that she was finding it increasingly difficult to let go. Max had never experienced the ideal brother-sister relationship with Zack...the kind where he'd beat up a bully making fun of her or would let her curl up in his bed during thunder storms. However, Zack had been her purpose up until she met Logan. Dreams weren't so easy to let go of.
The sunshine filtered down through the downy sky onto the green, rolling plains. The scenery was almost unreal and seemed to stretch on into oblivion. Somewhere, beyond the hazy humidity and lightly swaying foliage Zack was waiting to be found, and Max intended to find him.
***Hey all, on a side note, I'm thinking about re-writing my story The Key to iron out a few wrinkles that have really been bothering me...think I should post the new version of it?***