This story changed yet again...... those who read the last post.... erase what Hitomi said
to Van. Its decided to keep that secret till chapter 6. ^_^;;;; I shoud have planned this out
better....
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Crash and Burn - chapter 5
by Rubie aka Jenn
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Folken tapped his fingers against the metal alloy of his right arm impatiently. The cloak
muffled the sound perfectly, giving him the facade of one whose composure was
flawless.
"We lost them in the mountain pass."
His eyes were unfocused on the metallic walls, watching the grotesque display of
dancing lights from the city below. He tapped his fingers, slightly louder this time.
"They're on their way to Austria!" the ambassador continued.
"That's obvious," he sighed almost impatiently.
"Folken-sama," the voice was curt and annoyed, "This is an act of rebellion! We must
declare war. We must bring--"
"No."
"But Folken-sama," the voice gained resolve. "We must destroy them to set an example.
We must kill that cat girl. We must--"
"No." The answer was final and he offered no explanations. It took awhile for the
ambassador to realize this. "Send the prisoner to me unharmed. I would like to question
her personally."
"Y-- yes," the ambassador said quickly and excused himself.
So his brother ran away. He could not decide whether he was amused or angered.
Amused because of his brother's undying spirit. Angered because of Zaibach's
threatened control.
You're amused, a voice told him.
He crushed that thought immediately. No, he explained mentally, I feel a mixture of
both.
Denial, denial. It chanted.
Folken silently wondered when the voice in his head began to sound like Dilandau. Or
perhaps he was always the more maniacal one, who only adopted the method of hiding
his insanity. He frowned inwardly.
Not true, he told it.
He's your brother, it retorted.
He paused at that. His mind certainly had an interesting way of torturing itself. True,
Van was his brother. Was. He was not anymore. And Folken could hardly blame him. If
a close kin betrayed him, killed his people, and made him a puppet, he would surly hate
him too.
But he's still my brother, even if I am not his.
You're pathetic, the voice echoed.
He ignored it.
But no matter how much his brother hated him, isolated himself from him, tried to
forget him, he still felt that bond. But it was a one-sided relationship. He loved his
brother. His brother hated him. How ironic.
His brother was young when he left him. Folken was in his teens. He had shared those
most memorable years with his brother, and he remembered them clearly. But Van had
been a mere boy, and idolized him in his mind as someone unreal. Almost like a god.
And that image could easily be shattered with age.
But Van was still his brother. Folken sighed inaudibly. He did sound pathetic.
"Officer," he called to his wire filled office. The monitor close to his desk buzzed and
flashed to life, and a faded image appeared. "Send five guymelefs to Austria. Tell them,
they are on a friendly visit. Do not alarm the nobles. Send our older models. Instruct
them to look for a Zaibach merchant ship coming from the direction of Fanelia."
The officer nodded hastily and the image died. Folken grimaced visibly. He was not
sure if he did the right thing, but if he openly sent guymelefs, the nobles would rage
about the recent developments. That internal conflict in Zaibach could trigger rebellion
in the oppressed countries. The recent policies had not been favorable, and he tried to
prevent them from taking root. However, the sorcerers and politicians were gaining
control and influence. They fail to realize they were only brewing resentment, and
ultimately, their own downfall.
And they thought monarchs were all powerful. Perhaps if they were gods, they might.
But politicians could never be gods.
Even with the fate machine.
***
Van crushed another beetle with the edge of the nail he discovered on the floor. Their
shiny black shells gave away under the silver alloy, and the creamy substance gushed
around his fingers. Its little legs smeared across the wooden table.
It felt good hurting something.
And every time an insect spilled its guts across the wood grains, he felt a strange wave
of ecstasy. It seemed like every beetle he killed, he saw flashes of those who were
guilty. The ambassador, those sorcerers, Dilandau.... Folken. Folken he rejoiced in
crushing most of all. That man who gave him empty promises in his childhood. That
man who took away everything that meant something to him. After all, he was the king
of Zaibach. Who else could be responsible for Zaibach's actions? But then, sometimes,
when a beetle died, he saw visions of himself. He would frown then, wondering if
perhaps he was only trying to share his guilt with others. If perhaps he really was the
one who was most guilty for their defeat. If perhaps he really was guilty for Merle's
current situation.
He was confused. He couldn't decide who to kill, Folken or himself.
He tapped the table with the nail impatiently, waiting for another prey to crawl out
between the wooden cracks.
"What's the point of screaming if no one can hear you, Van?"
He looked up in surprise. Hitomi stood at the doorway to his room on the leviship,
leaning against the frame as if she had been there for some time. He grimaced inwardly,
wondering how long she had been there watching him. But that unnamed emotion still
raged, overpowering all other thoughts. He should feel guilty and ashamed, he knew.
But he only felt strangely annoyed.
"What are you talking about?" he asked with a slight smile.
"You're screaming with your desire for vengeance."
He paused. Was that what he wanted? Vengeance? No... he was just annoyed. And
frustrated. But not vengeful.
"Stop lying to yourself," Hitomi said.
He blinked. Her perceptiveness was uncanny. He felt himself shift uncomfortably. He
did not want someone prying into his thoughts.
Footsteps. He glanced up and noticed Hitomi beginning to turn and walk down the hall.
"Wait," he called out before he could stop himself. Why did he ask her to wait? Wasn't
she bothering him?
She froze and turned slowly.
Van frowned, searching his mind for something to say. "Hitomi... I...," he sighed again.
There really wasn't anything he could say to her. He feared what she might reply to his
statements. She would probably insult him in that roundabout way and leave him raging
for hours. "I...," he paused again and flicked the nail in his hand against the wall. "I'm
tired of this."
She blinked in surprise.
"I think we should stop lying to each other. I'm tired of pretending that we've never
known each other. I'm tired of pretending there was never anything between us. I'm
tired of pretending that we're enemies."
"I know," she whispered.
He looked up at her in surprise.
"I understand. You are confused. Your only tie to reality was Merle. She understood
you. She didn't lie to you. She kept no secrets from you. And you want someone to take
her place. You've never realized how much she meant to you until you've lost her. Even
now, you don't understand how much its cost you. But she's alive. I wouldn't lie to you
about that," she looked at him for a moment. "But I can't take her place."
"I'm not asking you to take Merle's place, Hitomi," he said.
"That's exactly what you're thinking. Van, you don't understand how much a person
means to you until you've lost them. Then its too late, Van."
"That's not what I'm trying to say. I think we should stop running from each other."
Her expression twisted slightly, and she walked in long strides to his table. She placed
her hands down roughly. For a moment, he felt a strange fear.
"Van, its you whose running. You're trying to flee from reality. You lock yourself in
your memories, reliving those moments of hate, anger, frustration. Why don't you lock
yourself in the memories of happiness, Van? Why?"
Perhaps he still loved war. Perhaps he still needed to kill. Perhaps he was just as
bloodthirsty as Dilandau, but only worse since he was in denial.
He shifted uncomfortably. He looked at the table and fingered the wood grains with the
greatest attention. She was confusing him. She was breaking him. For a moment, he
desperately wanted to flee from his room and hide himself in the far corner of the
leviship. He bit his lip, trying to surppress his emotions. When he was sure he was ready
to face her, he turned and forced a smile on his face.
Because I don't deserve happiness, he wanted to say. But somehow, he doubted the
truthfulness of that statement. He paused, trying to put his thoughts into words.
"Van, that doesn't matter," Hitomi began again. "Who was guilty of our defeat doesn't
matter. It was part of the past. Knowing it won't change anything. We've been trying to
run away from that fact. We were afraid of facing the truth, but in fact we did not even
know what the truth was. We thought that we were guilty of everyone's pain, but in
reality everyone was guilty. It was not entirely our fault. Yet we thought it was, and ran
from lies. Lies that we created only because we couldn't accept defeat. We could not
live with pain, so we lied to ourselves in a false belief that we could have done
something significant. But that was foolish. That was not even important."
Van blinked in surprise. He understood what she implied. She was asking him to
forgive. And he wanted to forgive, but he found it hard to let go. She made it sound so
easy. Just tell himself that things were not Folken-sama and his fault could not change
what he had hoarded for three years.
"Then what is important?" he asked. He sounded like a lost child, he mused. She must
believe that he was foolish and repulsive. But he found himself wanting her trust. He
found himself desperately hoping for her to understand him.
"What do you believe is important?" she said.
He frowned silently. I want to win, he almost heard his mind whisper. But he held his
tongue. He hated losing. He would never lose again.
"You're guilty of your own self-destruction. You're the one who made yourself lose.
Your brother had nothing to do with it."
"Shut up!" He froze, mentally slapping himself. Why had he reacted so strongly against
her statement? He looked away, embarrassed. He offended her. He didn't mean to yell at
her.
"The truth burns, Van. It hurts, doesn't it? But you know what? People who loves lies
are those who convince themselves that they're seeing the truth. There's nothing more
pathetic than a man who stares at a wall and declares it the sky. You're staring at a black
wall, Van. And that wall is reflecting just what you want to see. What is the truth, Van?
Do you even know?"
He winced visibly, and he struggled to hide his expressions under his mask. She was
breaking it. He hated what she did to him.
"Folken-san still loves you. But you hate him as much as you hate yourself."
His mask broke then. He hugged his face with his hands and cowered near the table. He
could feel himself trembling slightly as he struggled to pull himself together.
"That's not true! He ruined me. He ruined all of us!"
"But what did you do? What did I do? We're still the most responsible."
"No! You weren't guilty for anything, Hitomi. But I stood aside and I let him. I let him!
He ruined us all."
His voice was muffled against the table. Words seemed to be forming themselves in his
mouth although he did not will them. Shut up! He told himself. He was losing it. He
really was out of control now.
There was a prolonged silence, but he did not look up. For a moment, he thought she
had left his room. Then the table tilted as an additional weight was added, and he
stiffened.
"What do you want, Van?"
The voice was gentle, almost condescending. He paused, searching his mind for
something to say.
"I want to win."
"Win what?"
"I want to win this time, if I fight."
"Do you want to fight?"
He paused again, and let his arms drop from his face. He stared at the wood grains again
and sighed. "Hitomi, will you answer some questions?"
"If I can, I will."
"If I fight, how much would it cost me?"
She was silent for a moment, and he thought she would not answer her question.
Then she took a breath and looked at the wall, expressionless. "A brother, and a lifetime
of regret."
He snorted. "I wouldn't regret killing him."
"I don't care what you do. Just don't do anything you'll regret in the future," she said
quietly.
He felt a brief surprise at her statement, knowing exactly what she implied. The past...
he held onto his pride.... he brought about their downfall. No. That was not true. And
besides, that was part of the reason why he wanted to eliminate enemies. It was Zaibach
who was behind it all.
"I won't regret killing him," he repeated.
She shrugged, and neither of them said anything for a moment. But it was easier when
she didn't speak. It put him at ease, to know that there was someone there. To know that
he was not alone. But he feared knowing what she thought of him
***
Hitomi noted the discomforting silence that settled over the room. She welcomed it. She
didn't enjoy talking. It was so much easier observing the play, and watching the actors
act out their script. Only this was a play she had seen hundreds of times, and she knew
every detail. It was boring. It was tedious. She wanted it to end.
But at the same time, she didn't. Life may be tedious. Life may be painful. But for some
reason, she found it hard to let go. What would it do to Van? she wondered. He'd lost so
much already.
But it was not like she was going to be given a choice.
She wondered dully what death would be like. Would it be an eternal sleep in darkness,
or was there another life? Or would she still stay, only unseen by the living? She
grinned inwardly. She'd probably be a restless spirit, wandering Gaea because of her
unfinished business. She wanted to stay and watch the end of recent developments. It
would be a lot more convenient. Dying would be like running away again.
But her decision was already made.
She shifted in her seat at the table, and marveled at how the delicate threads curved
around her wrist and twisted itself around her body. She could barely feel them, but they
were there. She didn't even need to focus now. She could see them sharply against the
wooden walls. They glowed in a secret light. The webs seemed to dance in perfect
harmony. It was fascinating. The webs were far more fascinating than any human. She
could stare at it for hours without feeling lonely or bored. What was the point in
observing people when she could observe their script?
Folken is going to hear of this situation... now.
He's going to send for Merle... right now.
He is going to dispatch five guymelefs... now.
She almost smiled bitterly. Folken thought he was protecting Van, but in reality, he was
paving the way for his own downfall. But perhaps it was better to die at the hands of a
loved one, with mercy, than at the hands of politics. That would be the saddest death of
all.
"Van, do you think you can live with the knowledge that you've killed your brother?"
she asked silently.
He looked down for a moment, and grinned. "He's not my brother. He hasn't been my
brother for thirteen years. And he deserves to die."
So Van blames part of their defeat of him brother. He still could not left go of that guilt.
Van's ability to self-destruct was amazing. She wondered how he was able to repeatedly
sink his own ship, but still managed to keep his head above the water.
"He's never stopped being your brother. You've only stopped being his." She was blunt.
She was cruel. But she didn't know what to say otherwise. Was this why her family and
friends turned away from her? Because she was being blunt?
How ironic. People relish in discovering other's secrets but fear telling their friends'
their own. People create these lies to protect themselves. But they hate it when others
tell them they're lying. Perhaps people can only truly thrive in lies... She almost
scowled. Most of the time, the truth was far less beautiful. It was painful too, she
realized. Discovering it always felt like thrusting her arms into a flame. It burned. But a
flame was beautiful at times as well.
Van didn't respond to her statement, and she watched him impassively. "Perhaps Van,
you should stop lying."
"I'm not lying."
"Maybe then, we're still too weak to face the fire."
Van tensed again, less visibly. He frowned, then looked at her intently. "Hitomi....," he
said softly. There was a strange sigh in his voice. He sounded tired, but his face was still
carefully controlled.
Hitomi cut him off quickly, knowing exactly what he was going to say. "I can't provide
that kind of support, Van. I don't understand you the way Merle did."
She watched him reel in surprise, but a sudden rap on the door cut him short. Without
waiting for a response, the wooden frame burst open, and Dryden stumbled in the room
breathlessly. Van's expressions instantly hardened, and he flashed a polite smile.
Dryden barely noticed him. "Guymelefs fast approaching," he whispered hoarsely. "We
have no where to hide."
End of chapter 5
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Yes! Things are progressing rather quickly now.
Van seems really cruel... but he's really compulsive and very suppressed. Merle's
disappearance kinda triggered it. Umm.. I hope its believeable... . Anyways, review!
Flames are great... I don't mind. Just bleep out all the politically incorrect words.
umm... it may seem that I'm trying to go for a Merle/Van pair. Well... not really. I'
trying to establish their relationship. Merle's his trusted companion. And Van's really
insecure, so he needed that support and understanding. He naturally seeks it from
Hitomi, who refuses to allow herself to have any more ties.
My stats are going down and Crash and Burn isn't going that well. 3rd chapter
had 8 reviews, 4th chapter had 0 reviews, 5th chapter had 1... this is starting to be a
trend... But I really wanna finish it 'cause I really enjoyed writing it... urggggggg.....
*sigh.. I will finish this.. I will finish this... finish ... finish...
humm... I'm trying to start the Kenshin fic I planned... the title's bizarre . *sigh...
and then there's the oneshot for Van that I'm still trying to regurgitate after my computer
ate it... -.- Paper Wings is disturbing....
to Van. Its decided to keep that secret till chapter 6. ^_^;;;; I shoud have planned this out
better....
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Crash and Burn - chapter 5
by Rubie aka Jenn
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Folken tapped his fingers against the metal alloy of his right arm impatiently. The cloak
muffled the sound perfectly, giving him the facade of one whose composure was
flawless.
"We lost them in the mountain pass."
His eyes were unfocused on the metallic walls, watching the grotesque display of
dancing lights from the city below. He tapped his fingers, slightly louder this time.
"They're on their way to Austria!" the ambassador continued.
"That's obvious," he sighed almost impatiently.
"Folken-sama," the voice was curt and annoyed, "This is an act of rebellion! We must
declare war. We must bring--"
"No."
"But Folken-sama," the voice gained resolve. "We must destroy them to set an example.
We must kill that cat girl. We must--"
"No." The answer was final and he offered no explanations. It took awhile for the
ambassador to realize this. "Send the prisoner to me unharmed. I would like to question
her personally."
"Y-- yes," the ambassador said quickly and excused himself.
So his brother ran away. He could not decide whether he was amused or angered.
Amused because of his brother's undying spirit. Angered because of Zaibach's
threatened control.
You're amused, a voice told him.
He crushed that thought immediately. No, he explained mentally, I feel a mixture of
both.
Denial, denial. It chanted.
Folken silently wondered when the voice in his head began to sound like Dilandau. Or
perhaps he was always the more maniacal one, who only adopted the method of hiding
his insanity. He frowned inwardly.
Not true, he told it.
He's your brother, it retorted.
He paused at that. His mind certainly had an interesting way of torturing itself. True,
Van was his brother. Was. He was not anymore. And Folken could hardly blame him. If
a close kin betrayed him, killed his people, and made him a puppet, he would surly hate
him too.
But he's still my brother, even if I am not his.
You're pathetic, the voice echoed.
He ignored it.
But no matter how much his brother hated him, isolated himself from him, tried to
forget him, he still felt that bond. But it was a one-sided relationship. He loved his
brother. His brother hated him. How ironic.
His brother was young when he left him. Folken was in his teens. He had shared those
most memorable years with his brother, and he remembered them clearly. But Van had
been a mere boy, and idolized him in his mind as someone unreal. Almost like a god.
And that image could easily be shattered with age.
But Van was still his brother. Folken sighed inaudibly. He did sound pathetic.
"Officer," he called to his wire filled office. The monitor close to his desk buzzed and
flashed to life, and a faded image appeared. "Send five guymelefs to Austria. Tell them,
they are on a friendly visit. Do not alarm the nobles. Send our older models. Instruct
them to look for a Zaibach merchant ship coming from the direction of Fanelia."
The officer nodded hastily and the image died. Folken grimaced visibly. He was not
sure if he did the right thing, but if he openly sent guymelefs, the nobles would rage
about the recent developments. That internal conflict in Zaibach could trigger rebellion
in the oppressed countries. The recent policies had not been favorable, and he tried to
prevent them from taking root. However, the sorcerers and politicians were gaining
control and influence. They fail to realize they were only brewing resentment, and
ultimately, their own downfall.
And they thought monarchs were all powerful. Perhaps if they were gods, they might.
But politicians could never be gods.
Even with the fate machine.
***
Van crushed another beetle with the edge of the nail he discovered on the floor. Their
shiny black shells gave away under the silver alloy, and the creamy substance gushed
around his fingers. Its little legs smeared across the wooden table.
It felt good hurting something.
And every time an insect spilled its guts across the wood grains, he felt a strange wave
of ecstasy. It seemed like every beetle he killed, he saw flashes of those who were
guilty. The ambassador, those sorcerers, Dilandau.... Folken. Folken he rejoiced in
crushing most of all. That man who gave him empty promises in his childhood. That
man who took away everything that meant something to him. After all, he was the king
of Zaibach. Who else could be responsible for Zaibach's actions? But then, sometimes,
when a beetle died, he saw visions of himself. He would frown then, wondering if
perhaps he was only trying to share his guilt with others. If perhaps he really was the
one who was most guilty for their defeat. If perhaps he really was guilty for Merle's
current situation.
He was confused. He couldn't decide who to kill, Folken or himself.
He tapped the table with the nail impatiently, waiting for another prey to crawl out
between the wooden cracks.
"What's the point of screaming if no one can hear you, Van?"
He looked up in surprise. Hitomi stood at the doorway to his room on the leviship,
leaning against the frame as if she had been there for some time. He grimaced inwardly,
wondering how long she had been there watching him. But that unnamed emotion still
raged, overpowering all other thoughts. He should feel guilty and ashamed, he knew.
But he only felt strangely annoyed.
"What are you talking about?" he asked with a slight smile.
"You're screaming with your desire for vengeance."
He paused. Was that what he wanted? Vengeance? No... he was just annoyed. And
frustrated. But not vengeful.
"Stop lying to yourself," Hitomi said.
He blinked. Her perceptiveness was uncanny. He felt himself shift uncomfortably. He
did not want someone prying into his thoughts.
Footsteps. He glanced up and noticed Hitomi beginning to turn and walk down the hall.
"Wait," he called out before he could stop himself. Why did he ask her to wait? Wasn't
she bothering him?
She froze and turned slowly.
Van frowned, searching his mind for something to say. "Hitomi... I...," he sighed again.
There really wasn't anything he could say to her. He feared what she might reply to his
statements. She would probably insult him in that roundabout way and leave him raging
for hours. "I...," he paused again and flicked the nail in his hand against the wall. "I'm
tired of this."
She blinked in surprise.
"I think we should stop lying to each other. I'm tired of pretending that we've never
known each other. I'm tired of pretending there was never anything between us. I'm
tired of pretending that we're enemies."
"I know," she whispered.
He looked up at her in surprise.
"I understand. You are confused. Your only tie to reality was Merle. She understood
you. She didn't lie to you. She kept no secrets from you. And you want someone to take
her place. You've never realized how much she meant to you until you've lost her. Even
now, you don't understand how much its cost you. But she's alive. I wouldn't lie to you
about that," she looked at him for a moment. "But I can't take her place."
"I'm not asking you to take Merle's place, Hitomi," he said.
"That's exactly what you're thinking. Van, you don't understand how much a person
means to you until you've lost them. Then its too late, Van."
"That's not what I'm trying to say. I think we should stop running from each other."
Her expression twisted slightly, and she walked in long strides to his table. She placed
her hands down roughly. For a moment, he felt a strange fear.
"Van, its you whose running. You're trying to flee from reality. You lock yourself in
your memories, reliving those moments of hate, anger, frustration. Why don't you lock
yourself in the memories of happiness, Van? Why?"
Perhaps he still loved war. Perhaps he still needed to kill. Perhaps he was just as
bloodthirsty as Dilandau, but only worse since he was in denial.
He shifted uncomfortably. He looked at the table and fingered the wood grains with the
greatest attention. She was confusing him. She was breaking him. For a moment, he
desperately wanted to flee from his room and hide himself in the far corner of the
leviship. He bit his lip, trying to surppress his emotions. When he was sure he was ready
to face her, he turned and forced a smile on his face.
Because I don't deserve happiness, he wanted to say. But somehow, he doubted the
truthfulness of that statement. He paused, trying to put his thoughts into words.
"Van, that doesn't matter," Hitomi began again. "Who was guilty of our defeat doesn't
matter. It was part of the past. Knowing it won't change anything. We've been trying to
run away from that fact. We were afraid of facing the truth, but in fact we did not even
know what the truth was. We thought that we were guilty of everyone's pain, but in
reality everyone was guilty. It was not entirely our fault. Yet we thought it was, and ran
from lies. Lies that we created only because we couldn't accept defeat. We could not
live with pain, so we lied to ourselves in a false belief that we could have done
something significant. But that was foolish. That was not even important."
Van blinked in surprise. He understood what she implied. She was asking him to
forgive. And he wanted to forgive, but he found it hard to let go. She made it sound so
easy. Just tell himself that things were not Folken-sama and his fault could not change
what he had hoarded for three years.
"Then what is important?" he asked. He sounded like a lost child, he mused. She must
believe that he was foolish and repulsive. But he found himself wanting her trust. He
found himself desperately hoping for her to understand him.
"What do you believe is important?" she said.
He frowned silently. I want to win, he almost heard his mind whisper. But he held his
tongue. He hated losing. He would never lose again.
"You're guilty of your own self-destruction. You're the one who made yourself lose.
Your brother had nothing to do with it."
"Shut up!" He froze, mentally slapping himself. Why had he reacted so strongly against
her statement? He looked away, embarrassed. He offended her. He didn't mean to yell at
her.
"The truth burns, Van. It hurts, doesn't it? But you know what? People who loves lies
are those who convince themselves that they're seeing the truth. There's nothing more
pathetic than a man who stares at a wall and declares it the sky. You're staring at a black
wall, Van. And that wall is reflecting just what you want to see. What is the truth, Van?
Do you even know?"
He winced visibly, and he struggled to hide his expressions under his mask. She was
breaking it. He hated what she did to him.
"Folken-san still loves you. But you hate him as much as you hate yourself."
His mask broke then. He hugged his face with his hands and cowered near the table. He
could feel himself trembling slightly as he struggled to pull himself together.
"That's not true! He ruined me. He ruined all of us!"
"But what did you do? What did I do? We're still the most responsible."
"No! You weren't guilty for anything, Hitomi. But I stood aside and I let him. I let him!
He ruined us all."
His voice was muffled against the table. Words seemed to be forming themselves in his
mouth although he did not will them. Shut up! He told himself. He was losing it. He
really was out of control now.
There was a prolonged silence, but he did not look up. For a moment, he thought she
had left his room. Then the table tilted as an additional weight was added, and he
stiffened.
"What do you want, Van?"
The voice was gentle, almost condescending. He paused, searching his mind for
something to say.
"I want to win."
"Win what?"
"I want to win this time, if I fight."
"Do you want to fight?"
He paused again, and let his arms drop from his face. He stared at the wood grains again
and sighed. "Hitomi, will you answer some questions?"
"If I can, I will."
"If I fight, how much would it cost me?"
She was silent for a moment, and he thought she would not answer her question.
Then she took a breath and looked at the wall, expressionless. "A brother, and a lifetime
of regret."
He snorted. "I wouldn't regret killing him."
"I don't care what you do. Just don't do anything you'll regret in the future," she said
quietly.
He felt a brief surprise at her statement, knowing exactly what she implied. The past...
he held onto his pride.... he brought about their downfall. No. That was not true. And
besides, that was part of the reason why he wanted to eliminate enemies. It was Zaibach
who was behind it all.
"I won't regret killing him," he repeated.
She shrugged, and neither of them said anything for a moment. But it was easier when
she didn't speak. It put him at ease, to know that there was someone there. To know that
he was not alone. But he feared knowing what she thought of him
***
Hitomi noted the discomforting silence that settled over the room. She welcomed it. She
didn't enjoy talking. It was so much easier observing the play, and watching the actors
act out their script. Only this was a play she had seen hundreds of times, and she knew
every detail. It was boring. It was tedious. She wanted it to end.
But at the same time, she didn't. Life may be tedious. Life may be painful. But for some
reason, she found it hard to let go. What would it do to Van? she wondered. He'd lost so
much already.
But it was not like she was going to be given a choice.
She wondered dully what death would be like. Would it be an eternal sleep in darkness,
or was there another life? Or would she still stay, only unseen by the living? She
grinned inwardly. She'd probably be a restless spirit, wandering Gaea because of her
unfinished business. She wanted to stay and watch the end of recent developments. It
would be a lot more convenient. Dying would be like running away again.
But her decision was already made.
She shifted in her seat at the table, and marveled at how the delicate threads curved
around her wrist and twisted itself around her body. She could barely feel them, but they
were there. She didn't even need to focus now. She could see them sharply against the
wooden walls. They glowed in a secret light. The webs seemed to dance in perfect
harmony. It was fascinating. The webs were far more fascinating than any human. She
could stare at it for hours without feeling lonely or bored. What was the point in
observing people when she could observe their script?
Folken is going to hear of this situation... now.
He's going to send for Merle... right now.
He is going to dispatch five guymelefs... now.
She almost smiled bitterly. Folken thought he was protecting Van, but in reality, he was
paving the way for his own downfall. But perhaps it was better to die at the hands of a
loved one, with mercy, than at the hands of politics. That would be the saddest death of
all.
"Van, do you think you can live with the knowledge that you've killed your brother?"
she asked silently.
He looked down for a moment, and grinned. "He's not my brother. He hasn't been my
brother for thirteen years. And he deserves to die."
So Van blames part of their defeat of him brother. He still could not left go of that guilt.
Van's ability to self-destruct was amazing. She wondered how he was able to repeatedly
sink his own ship, but still managed to keep his head above the water.
"He's never stopped being your brother. You've only stopped being his." She was blunt.
She was cruel. But she didn't know what to say otherwise. Was this why her family and
friends turned away from her? Because she was being blunt?
How ironic. People relish in discovering other's secrets but fear telling their friends'
their own. People create these lies to protect themselves. But they hate it when others
tell them they're lying. Perhaps people can only truly thrive in lies... She almost
scowled. Most of the time, the truth was far less beautiful. It was painful too, she
realized. Discovering it always felt like thrusting her arms into a flame. It burned. But a
flame was beautiful at times as well.
Van didn't respond to her statement, and she watched him impassively. "Perhaps Van,
you should stop lying."
"I'm not lying."
"Maybe then, we're still too weak to face the fire."
Van tensed again, less visibly. He frowned, then looked at her intently. "Hitomi....," he
said softly. There was a strange sigh in his voice. He sounded tired, but his face was still
carefully controlled.
Hitomi cut him off quickly, knowing exactly what he was going to say. "I can't provide
that kind of support, Van. I don't understand you the way Merle did."
She watched him reel in surprise, but a sudden rap on the door cut him short. Without
waiting for a response, the wooden frame burst open, and Dryden stumbled in the room
breathlessly. Van's expressions instantly hardened, and he flashed a polite smile.
Dryden barely noticed him. "Guymelefs fast approaching," he whispered hoarsely. "We
have no where to hide."
End of chapter 5
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Yes! Things are progressing rather quickly now.
Van seems really cruel... but he's really compulsive and very suppressed. Merle's
disappearance kinda triggered it. Umm.. I hope its believeable... . Anyways, review!
Flames are great... I don't mind. Just bleep out all the politically incorrect words.
umm... it may seem that I'm trying to go for a Merle/Van pair. Well... not really. I'
trying to establish their relationship. Merle's his trusted companion. And Van's really
insecure, so he needed that support and understanding. He naturally seeks it from
Hitomi, who refuses to allow herself to have any more ties.
My stats are going down and Crash and Burn isn't going that well. 3rd chapter
had 8 reviews, 4th chapter had 0 reviews, 5th chapter had 1... this is starting to be a
trend... But I really wanna finish it 'cause I really enjoyed writing it... urggggggg.....
*sigh.. I will finish this.. I will finish this... finish ... finish...
humm... I'm trying to start the Kenshin fic I planned... the title's bizarre . *sigh...
and then there's the oneshot for Van that I'm still trying to regurgitate after my computer
ate it... -.- Paper Wings is disturbing....