Chapter nine
Gohan threw his bag against the chair near the door and glanced around the empty house. No lights were on, though he shrugged that off. "Pikoro-san...?" Gohan whispered, shyly. Facing his mentor tonight would certainly be....different....
After last night-
Gohan grinned and walked into the living room, noticing that Trunks was asleep on the couch. Ignoring the lavender haired boy, he peered through the window and smiled. A small light next to the door of the gravity room told him where his mentor was. Smiling, Gohan turned back to the stairs and took the steps two at a time.
When he reached the second story, he froze.
What...?
A stink permeated the upper level of the house, dull and musty, and yet overly sweetened by something else, something unfamilier. Frowning, Gohan followed the scent into the bedroom he shared with Piccolo, and stopped dead.
He could just see a bottle, stuck sideways under their bed. "Pikoro-san..." Gohan whispered, noticing that the windows were open anda can of pressurized air freshener was on the table next to the door.
Gohan swallowed, tears pricking up behind his eyes. "But....he promised.....to....." How could this be? Piccolo had thrown his drinks away, promised to stop, and Gohan had believed him. Piccolo didn't lie!
Still, as Gohan knelt next to the bed and lifted the sheets to find a crumpled box. Pulling it out, he found four bottles of sake, seven packages of cigarettes, and what was worse, something that looked suspiciously illegal. There was an ashtray as well, and three still-lit buts burning in it- that had been what Gohan had smelled all the way down the stairs.
He couldn't help the anger and shock that flooded his mind, the betrayal he felt.... Trunks' voice rang in Gohan's ears as he fingered the label on a bottle, heart pounding. 'If he loves you, he'll change! If he loves you, he'll change! If he loves you, he'll change! '
And the night before, at the peak of passion, Gohan had begged Piccolo to speak his love, but the namekusei-jin had said nothing....
Gohan picked up a light box of cigarettes and crushed it in his palm, a little cloud of dust ballooning out between his tense fingers. It wasn't worth this, no ammount of physical love would ever be worth what seeing this did to him. "If he...loved me....he would have..."
Something inside of him was bending, bending, breaking. Gohan let out an audible sigh as he felt his hope, his love, his trust of Piccolo's words and judgement all snapping at once, the space they once held being filled by nothingness, a void in his heart, a wound. He stood, refusing to cry, and kicked the box, hard.
Gohan walked downstairs, fuming silently, until Trunks sat up on the couch, rubbing his eyes though he had been faking sleep. "Gohan?" He asked tiredly, trying to sound surprised by the sudden jump in Gohan's power level. "Doushitano?!"
The black-haired saiya-jin spoke, his voice cracking as he tried to force unwielding words through his lips. "I.......Pik...oro....he...he...."
Trunks furrowed his brows in concern, shocked by the broken expression on Gohan's face. Though he knew perfectly well what was wrong (After all, he had taken great pains to make sure the upstairs scene was perfect, even down to selecting Piccolo's favorite brand of liquor) he still tried to look concerned and scared. "Is he hurt?!"
Gohan's fingers clenched and unclenched and a sob rose up in the back of his throat. How could he face Trunks, and admit that all along the lavender-haired man had been right? Admit that Piccolo was no good, had never been able to make him happy after denying that for so many long months...? "No..."
Making a face, Trunks asked another question, looking as disgusted as he could manage. "And...what's that...smell....?"
That did it. In a moment, Gohan's face went from furious to hopeless, his shoulders trembling as he buried his face in his hands. Trunks watched calmly for a moment, then moved closer and slipped his arms around Gohan's shoulders, letting the older man cry for a few moments.
"Oh, God...Trunks...I....I'm so stupid. I can't b-believe this is happening, I never... he....Trunks, upstairs, he...left all sorts of sake and such out and...and I...If....if.. if he loved me, he would change....I have to get away from here!!"
Heart throbbing, Trunks pressed Gohan against his neck, grinning from ear to ear. Perfect. He had known Gohan would be mad at Piccolo when he saw the objects Trunks had planted in their room, but now-
"Trunks, Trunks, I want to be rid of him, but...I'm so scared-"
"Scared?!" Trunks breathed the word, almost laughing outloud. "Of what?!"
"Of being...alone....I'll never have anyone now, now that Piccolo's betrayed me..." When Gohan whispered those words into Trunks' ear, the lavender-haired man nearly fell over in surprise.
"Wh-what?!"
"Who could love me, Trunks?!" Now Gohan had pushed him away and was slumping on the couch, shoulders heaving with sobs as if his body could barely contain the agony within. "I'm a monster, a saiya-jin, a planet killer.... I'm stronger than anyone but I can't even...I can't even make him love me... God, I want him to love me..."
Trunks felt his hard-won opportunity slipping away, and he grasped at it with clawed fingertips. "Gohan, how can you say that?!"
"LOOK AT ME!" Gohan stared at his hands in disgust, tears streaming down his cheekbones. "Just look!"
"Gohan....." Slowly, Trunks took in a deep breath. This felt right. At last he could tell Gohan what he'd been feeling for so long, could explain why he had always known Piccolo was wrong for Gohan....If lying was what it took to get to the one you love, Trunks thought the lie was justified.
He took a final breath and enfolded Gohan in his arms, sighing softly. "Gohan, Gohan... when I look at you I don't see a monster....I see a beautiful warrior, you're strong, but you're human as well.... And you'll always have me!"
Gohan was trembling. "Trunks, I want someone to love me. I thought he was my
soulmate, I thought...but...... I'm alone..."
"Damn it, Gohan!" Trunks could feel tears in his own eyes know, tears for the love that Gohan didn't understand. "You're not alone, I won't let you be alone, because I love you. For years and years I've felt this, this overwhelming need to hold and protect you, to keep you happy, and every second you've wasted your affection on that overgrown monster it killed me inside..sure, I thought, maybe I could settle for being your closest friend.... No, it didn't work." Gohan was staring now, the tears slowing, but Trunks couldn't steep the flow of words falling from his lips.
"You never knew, Gohan...never..... I've waited so many years for you to throw Piccolo out of your heart, and now he's gone, please, onegai, Gohan, stay with me!"
Gohan didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to think, somehow the world had been turned upside down and shaken, all the pieces were in the wrong places. He was being held tightly by Trunks, who had just sworn love towards him. Piccolo was suddenly a monster, uncaring, unfeeling, unfair. Gohan suddenly felt almost ill at the thought of leaving Piccolo, as if his body and soul was sobbing for him to stay true, but somehow that didn't seem so important as this....he thought it had been love, but wasn't this what he had been looking for? Hadn't Gohan always wanted someone to hold him while he cried, to tell him he was beautiful?
Trunks could do that. He had always been in the background, silent but knowing, ready to put in a good word. He had never liked Piccolo, but Gohan had always assumed it was because of Piccolo's nature, so dark and antisocial....now he understood.
Trunks....
"Trunks...."
"Oh, Gohan...don't hate me.....I know it's soon, but I just...I can't wait! I can't! You're so incredible, so powerful, so handsome and so close..."
Gohan could feel his heart pounding as Trunks pulled him closer and kissed his cheek, licking away the tears. Some part of his inner body quailed at the wrongness of the touch... That part of him that wanted to forgive Piccolo, to have his mentor back. Gohan felt angry, lost, confused by the conflict within his heart, and then he was kissing Trunks, and Trunks was kissing him.
And Piccolo was watching.
Gohan first realized there was a third person in the room when Trunks' breath hissed in through his teeth, making the darker-haired man open his eyes. What he saw was Piccolo, standing in the doorway, his face frozen in shock. Gohan's heart twisted for the namekusei-jin, the look in Piccolo's eyes was so disbelieving, so agonized that Gohan saw what he must have looked like to Trunks when he first came down the stairwell that afternoon.
He cried out, in fury, in apology. "Pikoro-san..."
Piccolo took a step back, shaking his head, unable to speak. Gohan. His Gohan. Kissing....kissing someone else....kissing Trunks.....
The third wheel remained silent, staring at Piccolo with victory in his eyes.
Piccolo himself was struggling to regain control. He was too broken-hearted to even speak as Gohan stood, started gesturing angrily towards the stairs, speaking of something Piccolo didn't understand.
Gohan.
He couldn't believe....for his whole life, Gohan had been the one who never turned away. Gohan had brought him life, had given him a place, had shown him adoration, companionship and love. Gohan had brought out the absolute best where nothing good had been born, and now that one stable person had betrayed him.
Piccolo took another step back, denial in his eyes as Gohan's face belied nothing but anger, showed nothing of the twinge of remorse in his stomach.
"Are you even listening to me?!" Gohan cried at last, feeling tears sting his eyes again. "Are you just going to stand there, say something!?"
"Go...han...."
The namekusei-jin reached out, taking Gohan's chin in his fingertips, leaning over for a kiss, but Gohan pulled sharply away. "YAMERO!"
It was like a knife, slicing away at what control Piccolo had left. He wasn't sure how he had lost the battle for Gohan's heart, but he had failed to protect what he loved, and the thought was unbearable. Turning, Piccolo escaped from the house and the two pairs of eyes that followed him into the sky, but did not leave the earth.
**********
He did not stop until he was far away, somewhere he didn't recognize. It was cold, but he didn't care, Piccolo stopped, dropped like a rock, and tucked himself up as small as he could become, trying to understand.
'It's because of me,' he sobbed dryly, tearlessly. A lifetime of forcing the tears back was coming into desperate play here, now that he was alone. 'It's because I never learned to love. Gohan, I wanted to give you everything and instead I broke your heart and drove you to someone else. But...god, I never had an example, never knew what love was until you kissed me for the first time! But Trunks....Gohan, you're my soulmate, can't you feel it!?'
Gohan wasn't there. He didn't answer, Piccolo was alone in the dusky light with the torn feeling that he had lost something horribly important deep inside of himself. It lingered in his chest, utter misery, agony, lonliness, the emotions he had defeated by falling in love were now flooding his mind as if the years of living on his own were multiplied by this rejection.
"Am I so evil?!" Piccolo asked himself outloud, his face twisted by the emotion in his heart. "Am I so evil that nobody will ever understand!?"
The sky was darkening, the sunset brilliant, but Piccolo's mind was filled only with images of Gohan. How quickly his life had turned from heaven into hell, how the rain came once the clouds had appeared. 'I tried to keep you Gohan, I really did, I wanted to grow old with you, your teacher, friend and lover forever, but I suppose.....I suppose it would never have worked...I'm too tainted, to dark for you, you're so beautiful.....'
God, but he was beautiful. All Piccolo could see was the shining, smiling face of his lover. Ex-lover? Did it matter?
There would never be anyone else.
The sun sank down behind the trees and Piccolo prepared himself for his first time alone in over twenty years.
********
Gohan watched him go, a lump in his throat.
"It's for the better," Trunks said as he came up behind him, setting a hand on his shoulder. "He didn't really love you."
Trunks sounded so sure.....So why was there that little flutter, the ache in his heart that spoke otherwise?
"I still love him, Trunks."
"I know." Trunks nodded, though he couldn't see Gohan's face.
"I'll...I'll try.....I'll try to see you as more than a friend, I want to, but it will take me time..."
"All the time in the world is worth having you for my own, Gohan." Trunks wrapped his arms around the shorter man's torso and smiled softly into his hair. "And that's exactly how much time we have."
Gohan threw his bag against the chair near the door and glanced around the empty house. No lights were on, though he shrugged that off. "Pikoro-san...?" Gohan whispered, shyly. Facing his mentor tonight would certainly be....different....
After last night-
Gohan grinned and walked into the living room, noticing that Trunks was asleep on the couch. Ignoring the lavender haired boy, he peered through the window and smiled. A small light next to the door of the gravity room told him where his mentor was. Smiling, Gohan turned back to the stairs and took the steps two at a time.
When he reached the second story, he froze.
What...?
A stink permeated the upper level of the house, dull and musty, and yet overly sweetened by something else, something unfamilier. Frowning, Gohan followed the scent into the bedroom he shared with Piccolo, and stopped dead.
He could just see a bottle, stuck sideways under their bed. "Pikoro-san..." Gohan whispered, noticing that the windows were open anda can of pressurized air freshener was on the table next to the door.
Gohan swallowed, tears pricking up behind his eyes. "But....he promised.....to....." How could this be? Piccolo had thrown his drinks away, promised to stop, and Gohan had believed him. Piccolo didn't lie!
Still, as Gohan knelt next to the bed and lifted the sheets to find a crumpled box. Pulling it out, he found four bottles of sake, seven packages of cigarettes, and what was worse, something that looked suspiciously illegal. There was an ashtray as well, and three still-lit buts burning in it- that had been what Gohan had smelled all the way down the stairs.
He couldn't help the anger and shock that flooded his mind, the betrayal he felt.... Trunks' voice rang in Gohan's ears as he fingered the label on a bottle, heart pounding. 'If he loves you, he'll change! If he loves you, he'll change! If he loves you, he'll change! '
And the night before, at the peak of passion, Gohan had begged Piccolo to speak his love, but the namekusei-jin had said nothing....
Gohan picked up a light box of cigarettes and crushed it in his palm, a little cloud of dust ballooning out between his tense fingers. It wasn't worth this, no ammount of physical love would ever be worth what seeing this did to him. "If he...loved me....he would have..."
Something inside of him was bending, bending, breaking. Gohan let out an audible sigh as he felt his hope, his love, his trust of Piccolo's words and judgement all snapping at once, the space they once held being filled by nothingness, a void in his heart, a wound. He stood, refusing to cry, and kicked the box, hard.
Gohan walked downstairs, fuming silently, until Trunks sat up on the couch, rubbing his eyes though he had been faking sleep. "Gohan?" He asked tiredly, trying to sound surprised by the sudden jump in Gohan's power level. "Doushitano?!"
The black-haired saiya-jin spoke, his voice cracking as he tried to force unwielding words through his lips. "I.......Pik...oro....he...he...."
Trunks furrowed his brows in concern, shocked by the broken expression on Gohan's face. Though he knew perfectly well what was wrong (After all, he had taken great pains to make sure the upstairs scene was perfect, even down to selecting Piccolo's favorite brand of liquor) he still tried to look concerned and scared. "Is he hurt?!"
Gohan's fingers clenched and unclenched and a sob rose up in the back of his throat. How could he face Trunks, and admit that all along the lavender-haired man had been right? Admit that Piccolo was no good, had never been able to make him happy after denying that for so many long months...? "No..."
Making a face, Trunks asked another question, looking as disgusted as he could manage. "And...what's that...smell....?"
That did it. In a moment, Gohan's face went from furious to hopeless, his shoulders trembling as he buried his face in his hands. Trunks watched calmly for a moment, then moved closer and slipped his arms around Gohan's shoulders, letting the older man cry for a few moments.
"Oh, God...Trunks...I....I'm so stupid. I can't b-believe this is happening, I never... he....Trunks, upstairs, he...left all sorts of sake and such out and...and I...If....if.. if he loved me, he would change....I have to get away from here!!"
Heart throbbing, Trunks pressed Gohan against his neck, grinning from ear to ear. Perfect. He had known Gohan would be mad at Piccolo when he saw the objects Trunks had planted in their room, but now-
"Trunks, Trunks, I want to be rid of him, but...I'm so scared-"
"Scared?!" Trunks breathed the word, almost laughing outloud. "Of what?!"
"Of being...alone....I'll never have anyone now, now that Piccolo's betrayed me..." When Gohan whispered those words into Trunks' ear, the lavender-haired man nearly fell over in surprise.
"Wh-what?!"
"Who could love me, Trunks?!" Now Gohan had pushed him away and was slumping on the couch, shoulders heaving with sobs as if his body could barely contain the agony within. "I'm a monster, a saiya-jin, a planet killer.... I'm stronger than anyone but I can't even...I can't even make him love me... God, I want him to love me..."
Trunks felt his hard-won opportunity slipping away, and he grasped at it with clawed fingertips. "Gohan, how can you say that?!"
"LOOK AT ME!" Gohan stared at his hands in disgust, tears streaming down his cheekbones. "Just look!"
"Gohan....." Slowly, Trunks took in a deep breath. This felt right. At last he could tell Gohan what he'd been feeling for so long, could explain why he had always known Piccolo was wrong for Gohan....If lying was what it took to get to the one you love, Trunks thought the lie was justified.
He took a final breath and enfolded Gohan in his arms, sighing softly. "Gohan, Gohan... when I look at you I don't see a monster....I see a beautiful warrior, you're strong, but you're human as well.... And you'll always have me!"
Gohan was trembling. "Trunks, I want someone to love me. I thought he was my
soulmate, I thought...but...... I'm alone..."
"Damn it, Gohan!" Trunks could feel tears in his own eyes know, tears for the love that Gohan didn't understand. "You're not alone, I won't let you be alone, because I love you. For years and years I've felt this, this overwhelming need to hold and protect you, to keep you happy, and every second you've wasted your affection on that overgrown monster it killed me inside..sure, I thought, maybe I could settle for being your closest friend.... No, it didn't work." Gohan was staring now, the tears slowing, but Trunks couldn't steep the flow of words falling from his lips.
"You never knew, Gohan...never..... I've waited so many years for you to throw Piccolo out of your heart, and now he's gone, please, onegai, Gohan, stay with me!"
Gohan didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to think, somehow the world had been turned upside down and shaken, all the pieces were in the wrong places. He was being held tightly by Trunks, who had just sworn love towards him. Piccolo was suddenly a monster, uncaring, unfeeling, unfair. Gohan suddenly felt almost ill at the thought of leaving Piccolo, as if his body and soul was sobbing for him to stay true, but somehow that didn't seem so important as this....he thought it had been love, but wasn't this what he had been looking for? Hadn't Gohan always wanted someone to hold him while he cried, to tell him he was beautiful?
Trunks could do that. He had always been in the background, silent but knowing, ready to put in a good word. He had never liked Piccolo, but Gohan had always assumed it was because of Piccolo's nature, so dark and antisocial....now he understood.
Trunks....
"Trunks...."
"Oh, Gohan...don't hate me.....I know it's soon, but I just...I can't wait! I can't! You're so incredible, so powerful, so handsome and so close..."
Gohan could feel his heart pounding as Trunks pulled him closer and kissed his cheek, licking away the tears. Some part of his inner body quailed at the wrongness of the touch... That part of him that wanted to forgive Piccolo, to have his mentor back. Gohan felt angry, lost, confused by the conflict within his heart, and then he was kissing Trunks, and Trunks was kissing him.
And Piccolo was watching.
Gohan first realized there was a third person in the room when Trunks' breath hissed in through his teeth, making the darker-haired man open his eyes. What he saw was Piccolo, standing in the doorway, his face frozen in shock. Gohan's heart twisted for the namekusei-jin, the look in Piccolo's eyes was so disbelieving, so agonized that Gohan saw what he must have looked like to Trunks when he first came down the stairwell that afternoon.
He cried out, in fury, in apology. "Pikoro-san..."
Piccolo took a step back, shaking his head, unable to speak. Gohan. His Gohan. Kissing....kissing someone else....kissing Trunks.....
The third wheel remained silent, staring at Piccolo with victory in his eyes.
Piccolo himself was struggling to regain control. He was too broken-hearted to even speak as Gohan stood, started gesturing angrily towards the stairs, speaking of something Piccolo didn't understand.
Gohan.
He couldn't believe....for his whole life, Gohan had been the one who never turned away. Gohan had brought him life, had given him a place, had shown him adoration, companionship and love. Gohan had brought out the absolute best where nothing good had been born, and now that one stable person had betrayed him.
Piccolo took another step back, denial in his eyes as Gohan's face belied nothing but anger, showed nothing of the twinge of remorse in his stomach.
"Are you even listening to me?!" Gohan cried at last, feeling tears sting his eyes again. "Are you just going to stand there, say something!?"
"Go...han...."
The namekusei-jin reached out, taking Gohan's chin in his fingertips, leaning over for a kiss, but Gohan pulled sharply away. "YAMERO!"
It was like a knife, slicing away at what control Piccolo had left. He wasn't sure how he had lost the battle for Gohan's heart, but he had failed to protect what he loved, and the thought was unbearable. Turning, Piccolo escaped from the house and the two pairs of eyes that followed him into the sky, but did not leave the earth.
**********
He did not stop until he was far away, somewhere he didn't recognize. It was cold, but he didn't care, Piccolo stopped, dropped like a rock, and tucked himself up as small as he could become, trying to understand.
'It's because of me,' he sobbed dryly, tearlessly. A lifetime of forcing the tears back was coming into desperate play here, now that he was alone. 'It's because I never learned to love. Gohan, I wanted to give you everything and instead I broke your heart and drove you to someone else. But...god, I never had an example, never knew what love was until you kissed me for the first time! But Trunks....Gohan, you're my soulmate, can't you feel it!?'
Gohan wasn't there. He didn't answer, Piccolo was alone in the dusky light with the torn feeling that he had lost something horribly important deep inside of himself. It lingered in his chest, utter misery, agony, lonliness, the emotions he had defeated by falling in love were now flooding his mind as if the years of living on his own were multiplied by this rejection.
"Am I so evil?!" Piccolo asked himself outloud, his face twisted by the emotion in his heart. "Am I so evil that nobody will ever understand!?"
The sky was darkening, the sunset brilliant, but Piccolo's mind was filled only with images of Gohan. How quickly his life had turned from heaven into hell, how the rain came once the clouds had appeared. 'I tried to keep you Gohan, I really did, I wanted to grow old with you, your teacher, friend and lover forever, but I suppose.....I suppose it would never have worked...I'm too tainted, to dark for you, you're so beautiful.....'
God, but he was beautiful. All Piccolo could see was the shining, smiling face of his lover. Ex-lover? Did it matter?
There would never be anyone else.
The sun sank down behind the trees and Piccolo prepared himself for his first time alone in over twenty years.
********
Gohan watched him go, a lump in his throat.
"It's for the better," Trunks said as he came up behind him, setting a hand on his shoulder. "He didn't really love you."
Trunks sounded so sure.....So why was there that little flutter, the ache in his heart that spoke otherwise?
"I still love him, Trunks."
"I know." Trunks nodded, though he couldn't see Gohan's face.
"I'll...I'll try.....I'll try to see you as more than a friend, I want to, but it will take me time..."
"All the time in the world is worth having you for my own, Gohan." Trunks wrapped his arms around the shorter man's torso and smiled softly into his hair. "And that's exactly how much time we have."