Attack of the Mary Sues
A/N Hi fellow inhabitants
of the universe. This is meant to be an exaggeration, so don't take it
seriously. B'bye!
"Yay! Wow! Oh happy day!
Everyone, we have a new student at the school, miss Mary Ellen Sue, not only
can she speak *every* language fluently, has straight A+'s, is perfect at everything,
can play every instrument known to man, but she is also a model and five-time
winner of the World Pie-Eating Champion Ships. I give you—Mary SUE!"
The Great Hall stared at Dumbledore for a moment, but then Mary Sue walked in
and everyone erupted into cheers like a volcano who forgot to take Beano (a/n:
Rachel: what's Beano? Rachael: it's an Antacid. Rachel:
Oh.) She was the most beautiful girl any of them had ever seen, with long, flowing
chestnut hair and eyes that shone like sapphires. All the boys looked at her
and instantly fell in love, but not because she was part veela, unicorn, siren,
nymph, cat, goddess, 100% recycled plastic, fairy princess, hippogriff,
tapeworm, pixie, and Guatemalan farm-raised catfish. (a/n: okaaaaaay).
It was because she the most charming, brilliant girl they had ever seen.
Then Dumbledore piped up,
"I told her that she could be in any house she wished, but she, bless her soul,
decided to be Sorted like a common student."
Mary Sue daintily walked
to the stool and sat down, pulling on the hat over her head. Dumbledore added,
"She will be wearing a toga and worn slippers all year to experience the life
of the lesser fortunate and donate her clothes to those that need them most."
He burst into tears and walked off the stage, waving the Sorting to go on.
"Hmmm...Gryffindor?
Ravenclaw? Hufflepuff? I just don't know...you're brilliant, you're loyal,
you're smart, you're kind and caring—and brave! Yes, brave. You shall be
in GRYFFINDOR..." As an afterthought he added, "You are also an HONORARY MEMBER
OF RAVENCLAW AND HUFFLEPUFF, MARY SUE! Have a wonderful year and life and
future. Thank you."
Dumbledore shouted,
"Gryffindor! What a lovely house! You shall be replacing as House Prefect
Hermione Granger, because who could measure up to you, Mary Sue?"
Mary Sue smiled and placed her hand on her chest. "Oh, I simply
couldn't...Well, if you insist..." She smiled and violently ripped the badge
off Hermione's robes, revealing her Backstreet Boys t-shirt.
Ron stood up, agrieved. "Hermione, why didn't you tell us you
were....you were...a Backstreet Boys fanatic?" He sat down heavily. "I'm afraid
I can no longer be your boyfriend, Hermione, for you have pretended to love me
for so long when you have truly loved five others."
Mary Sue flashed her teeth and sat down between Harry and Ron,
who had a tear in his eyes. "It's just so....hard. I've broken up with my
girlfriend of twenty-eight years (at least in most fanfictions)."
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
"Hey, I have an idea: want to be my girlfriend?!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, but Harry already asked me before the Sorting
ceremony." She picked up a forkful of peas and fed it to Harry lovingly. He
said with a full mouth, "Now dose are good pfeas. Mmm."
Ron sat silent for a minute, his heart torn to pieces by this
part veela, unicorn, siren, nymph, cat, goddess, 100% recycled plastic, fairy
princess, hippogriff, tapeworm, pixie, and Guatemalan farm-raised catfish, then
leaped savagely at Harry.
Harry gurgled in the choke hold, fighting and kicking. "Boys!
Stop it. You're scaring me!" The two ex-friends immediately hugged each other
passionately and said wholeheartedly, "I'm sorry, my beloved friend. Can you
ever forgive me?"
**************
Mary Sue and Hermione were bitter enemies after the Start-of-Term feast/Prefect/stealing boyfriend incident. The four of them walked across the Hogwarts grounds when suddenly they heard a huge roaring noise. "Hermione, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Mary Sue leaped in front of Hermione, pushing her away at the exact moment that a train, a Greyhound bus, an airplane, a tornado, a hurricane, and a snail collided (a/n: ouch.).
Mary Sue emerged from the settling dust looking just as radiant
as ever. But [sadly,] a meteorite, like, crashed on her head. Everybody was
devistated. They had lost the most angelic, beautiful, clever, kind, and all
around perfect student ever at Hogwarts.
Hermione sobbed bitterly for days afterward. "It's all my fault,
if she hadn't tried to save me..." Nobody ever completely got over it.
Then they got over it.
THE END.