Chapter Five
This is life - what a f***ed-up thing we do
What a nighmare come true
Or a playground if we choose
And I choose.
The Offspring, 'I Choose.'
Serena resumed training with the sword. It was a surprise to both Allen and Gadeth.
'I thought you didn't want to fight any more,' Gadeth said. He was sitting on a bench in the training yard Allen had set up in the house grounds in an effort to make things more military and remind the crew they weren't on vacation. 'I got the impression it really bothered you.'
'Well, I think I should overcome that,' Serena said. She was practising a sword drill. It was certainly good to watch, Gadeth thought. She had an unusual kind of focus; the movements were very smooth and controlled, but they were never too gracefully formalised, never just going through the motions. It wasn't just a woman copying the movements of a swordsman; you felt she meant it. 'Being afraid of something isn't a good reason not to do it. And this is something I can do well, if I just don't lose my nerve. Think about it, what else could I do in life? What am I trained for? I can't be a lady like my mother.'
'Nor would I want you to be.'
'Thank you. The world's changing. Everyone knows it; Cid knows it and he's, what, five or six? He said to me I should get involved. This is a way I can do that. And it will make things easier for us, too, won't it? When they call you back I can go with you.' She lowered the sword and smiled at him over her shoulder.
'You're assuming you'll be allowed to do it. Sweetheart, if you turn up at a recruiting office and say you want to join the army, they're going to either laugh at you or yell at you for wasting their time.'
'I'm not planning to go to a recruiting office. I mean, why bother? My brother's going to marry the Queen. If I ask her nicely, I can get in wherever I want.'
'So you're going to take advantage of your family connections in a completely shameless manner to do something most people will really disapprove of?'
'Of course - what else are family connections for?' She was grinning now. 'Yay, nepotism! Come on - as if you're not going to benefit from being Allen's brother-in-law. If life gives you an opportunity like that, you don't turn it down out of some silly old sense of ethics, do you?'
'I can't believe this - I didn't know you were so amoral. I have to say I'm shocked and dismayed.' Actually, he was enormously impressed, although he couldn't have explained why.
'Which would be why you're grinning all over your face?'
'Yes, this is my shocked-and-dismayed face, which unfortunately looks exactly like my I-just-think-you're-so-neat-I-can't-believe-it face. It's caused a lot of confusion, even fist-fights.'
She sat down beside him. 'I think, if I go on with this, I could actually develop some self-respect. You don't know what a coward I felt like the whole time I was imprisoned. I just got demoralised. I felt as though I couldn't do anything, and all the decisions were someone else's. You'll laugh, but I've been developing a personal philosophy.'
'I won't laugh. Everyone needs something to believe in. So what's yours?'
'Well, I thought it would sound nice if I got it down into one snappy sentence, like "I think therefore I am." Something short and trenchant. Something I could put on a coat of arms if I ever got one.'
'Sounds good.' He nodded to encourage her.
'So my personal philosophy, my motto, my conceptual continuity if you will, and I'm sure you will, is this. Ahem. "I choose."' She looked at him expectantly. 'What do you think?'
'It's good. It's very good. It covers a lot of things. And it suits you. Matches your eyes.'
'Thank you. I think I've really narrowed it down to what's important. Because' she looked pensive for a moment, although a moment ago her manner had been half-jokey. 'Because all the best things in my life have been because I made a choice, I took the decision into my own hands and enforced my will. I chose to come back to this life, to be myself again - Dilandau gave up and I went for it. And I chose you, of course. That was a good one. I don't mean I think I should get my own way all the time, or not consider what other people want, especially you, just that - do you know what I mean?'
'I think I do.'
'Good.' She leaned against him, putting her head on his shoulder. 'And I choose to train, to get stronger, to make myself able to help people and protect them. Dilandau was just a weapon because he couldn't choose to be anything else. This is the opposite.'
'Really?' said Millerna. 'Well, good for her!'
'I suppose so,' said Allen. 'She made me quite a speech about why it was important to her. And she is capable, of course.'
'She proved that with Dilandau,' Millerna said. She twisted to look Allen in the eye; it was her turn to use him as a cushion, sitting behind her on the window-seat in her sitting-room. They were watching the grey autumn rain. 'And you don't mind?'
'Would it make any difference if I did?' he said, a little ruefully. 'I certainly don't have any authority over her any more, and Gadeth seems to think it's a fine idea. What am I going to say? I forbid it? She's dead set on this course of action and my disapproval would only upset her without making her change her mind.'
'Poor boy,' Millerna said. 'We do bully you, don't we?' She paused thoughtfully. 'Actually, this ties in with something I've been thinking about. I was wondering what to do but this might be a solution.'
'What is it?' Allen asked. She got up and went to her desk, which these days was always piled high with papers and books. This was only one of her desks, of course - she used her father's council chamber for most business, and the desk litter in her own rooms was just the business she chose to bring home and worry about at night. After some poking about, she found a blue folder stamped with the words 'Knights of Heaven.'
'Now you know, don't you, that your order was depleted by the war,' she began. 'Three positions are open, since Toren Barr, Maskelyne Prosser and Lord Methven were killed. New appointments have been a low priority, what with everything else - and one place, I'm fairly sure, will just go to Lord Methven's son Mica. He deserves it.'
'I agree, he's a very brave young man,' said Allen. 'Just the sort we need.' He thought he knew what was coming.
'Do you mean you're offering me a commission?' Serena said, incredulous. 'As a Knight of Heaven?'
'If you want it,' Millerna smiled. 'Of course, you will have to pass certain physical tests, and satisfy the other members of the order as to your suitability. But you'll have my voice in your favour, and Allen's, naturally. I think your chances are very good. You want to serve Asturia. This is an excellent opportunity.'
'Well, I - I mean - I'm not sure what to say. Thank you, obviously!' She sat back, feeling stunned. People shouldn't give you news like this over dinner; suddenly she had butterflies in her stomach, and they were only on the soup course.
'And you can do that?' Gadeth asked. 'I think she's qualified, goodness knows, but is it really possible for a woman to be a knight?'
'It's not only possible, it's precedented,' Millerna said. 'People assume that traditions have always been the same, but in fact some things we think of as status quo are comparatively new. I've been researching the history of the Order of Heaven, and there are some fascinating stories. Here's a good example: four hundred and fifty years ago, twin sisters, Luca and Loreto Vander, led a successful resistance to an invasion from Fanelia. They not only drove out the invading army, but secured several territories for Asturia that had previously been debated - that was what had precipitated the invasion. They weren't knights to begin with, but the daughters of the commander of a garrison near the border. When their father's troops were decimated and he was killed, they simply took over from necessity. They organised a guerrilla campaign which completely routed the Fanelians. The sisters were knighted by a grateful monarch and served the Order for the rest of their days - in fact, Loreto married a fellow Knight of Heaven, who you might be interested to know was named Schezar. So Serena has precedent and merit on her side, and even family tradition. She's already performed a major service to the crown. It's almost a fait accompli.'
'Gosh,' Serena said. It wasn't an intelligent response but it was the best she could muster. 'Allen, did you know we had ancestors like that?'
'Only vaguely,' Allen said. He was very quiet tonight, gentle and smiling but almost silent. Serena would have paid more attention if she had not been so overwhelmed at the thought of her knighthood. Millerna noticed, and worried.
'So there they are,' said Millerna. 'Your warrior ancestresses.' Luca and Loreto's portrait hung in a small gallery of the palace devoted to the Order of Heaven. It was not a big canvas, and being painted in the stylised manner of four centuries ago, did not give a very clear idea of what they had looked like individually. The artist had given them both pale ovals of faces, serene and strong. They were not identical twins; Loreto's hair was straight and dark brown, while Luca's was more gingery and wavy. They had been in their thirties when the portrait was made, veterans by that time. Luca sat on a chair with a shield propped against it, while Loreto stood with her left hand on the chair's back, her right hand on the hilt of her sword. The uniform of the Knights had been redesigned a few times since those days but blue and gold had always been prominent. They were splendid, powerful, graceful.
'It was unusual in those days for women to be pictured without their children,' Millerna said. 'Loreto had four who survived, and two that died in infancy. Luca never married, although it appears from some letters she wrote that she had an unhappy love affair that put her off men. I'll get you those letters from the library, and Loreto's journals. They make very interesting reading, all about their lives as knights and ladies. What do you think?'
Serena was gazing at the portrait, her hand over her heart. It was illuminated by a dusty gold sunbeam coming through a skylight, making the rich old colours of the oil paints glow like jewels.
'It's so good to feel that how I am came from somewhere,' she said softly. 'That it isn't just residue from being Dilandau. When I piloted Scherazade, I felt as though I belonged there, as though it was in my blood. And they prove it.'
'Inheritance is a strange thing, isn't it?' said Millerna. She moved on to look at a picture nearby. They were alone in the echoing gallery. It had the kind of quiet that made you feel removed from the world; a room devoted to history, separated from the present and immune to the future. 'Take a look at this gentleman. He's Loreto's husband - Allen Schezar II.'
'I didn't know he was an Allen too.' Serena followed Millerna and took a look at her ancestor. It was remarkable how unlike the eighth Allen he was: a heavyset man with plain brown hair and eyes, although the eyes did look kind. He had a ruthless air that went oddly with those eyes. One felt that he would always be good to those he loved, but would cut down his enemies with relish. He would probably need to be like that to be Loreto's husband.
'No offense,' Millerna said, 'but I feel the family features have improved.'
'None taken, I agree,' said Serena, chuckling. 'We're a bit of a strange family to get involved with, but at least the branch you're marrying looks nice. Your children should be beautiful.'
'I'm sure they will,' Millerna said, but she didn't sound confident. 'Oh dear.' She put her hand against the wall, not quite leaning on it but not steady on her feet.
'What's the matter?' Serena asked. 'Don't you feel well? Allen says you've been overdoing it. You've really got him worried, you know.'
'I think I'm going to be sick,' said Millerna. 'I've I've had some stomach trouble lately. Oh no. I'm really going to be sick.' She was white in the face, swallowing hard.
'Don't panic! Hold on.' Serena looked around desperately, found a vase standing in a niche between paintings, grabbed it and got it under Millerna's mouth just in time. She tried to hold the princess' hair out of the way with her free hand. 'It's all right. Just let it go. It's all right.'
'Oh God,' said Millerna wretchedly, sniffing. 'I hate it when this happens. I take drops for it but they're not helping any more.' She gagged again, but this time nothing came up. 'I think I've finished.'
'Poor you,' Serena said. 'You must feel rotten. Don't keep looking into the vase, it'll make you feel sick again.'
'This vase is five hundred years old,' Millerna said. 'It's porcelain from Freid. It was a wedding present on the marriage of Efud the Third to Aia the Fair, and I've been sick into it.'
'There you go, it's a pot fit for a princess,' Serena said, trying to be cheerful. 'If we rinse it out straight away there shouldn't be any harm done. Don't cry, Millerna - it wasn't your fault, I was the one who grabbed it.'
'I - I can't stop,' Millerna moaned. A loud, choking sob escaped. 'It's not about the vase, I know it can be washed, it's just - oh God, I can't tell anyone but they'll find out!' She dropped to her knees on the tiled floor and hid her face in her hands. Serena stood holding the vase, not sure what to do with it. In the end she put it carefully on the floor and knelt by Millerna, putting an arm around her shoulders.
'You can tell me,' she said. 'Whatever it is, I'll try to help you. You were so good to me when I was sick, it's the least I can do. Besides, you're going to be my sister. Please tell me what's wrong.' She patted her pockets and managed to find a handkerchief. 'Come on, wipe your eyes and blow your nose.'
Millerna obeyed, and sniffed and gulped a little before she could summon speech. When she did speak, it was such a low, hoarse squeak that Serena couldn't understand her.
'I'm sorry I didn't get that'
'I said I'm pregnant.'
'Are you sure?'
'I know I am. At first I thought I'd missed a period because I was under stress; that can happen, but then the morning sickness started and I just feel pregnant. I can tell it's growing inside me. It doesn't really show yet but it will soon. I thought about trying to make myself have a miscarriage but I just couldn't bear it and I was afraid I might do too good a job and put my own life in danger. There's nothing I can do and it's only a matter of time before I can't hide it. Even if Allen and I got married straight away it would still be born too soon, because it took me a couple of months to be sure, and people would guess.' She wiped her eyes again and wadded the handkerchief up in her fist. Serena put her other arm round her and hugged her tight.
'Allen does it again, huh?' she said bitterly. 'Do you want me to break his legs for you, or anything?'
'It's not Allen's fault,' Millerna said huskily. 'He doesn't even know.' She gently put Serena's arms away from her.
'Well, he damn' well should know. And it is his fault, at least half his fault. You'd think he'd have learned something from the last time. You're engaged anyway; why couldn't he wait until you're married?'
'You don't understand,' Millerna said. 'We are waiting until we're married. Allen didn't make me pregnant. It was nothing to do with him.'
'But - but then how can you be?' Serena was lost.
'It's Dryden's child,' Millerna said. 'It's so awful. I think Allen thinks I never slept with him. We've never talked about it. But we were married! And I didn't know what was going to happen. For all I knew I was going to be married to Dryden for the rest of my life. And we had a duty - I know that sounds stupid, but we did, we had to produce an heir. I was going to have to get used to it anyway. And and everything was so hard then and he wanted to comfort me. He was really kind to me. He was a good husband. He just wasn't the right husband for me. I wish so much that we hadn't, but I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.'
She smoothed the crumpled handkerchief out on her lap and folded it corner to corner. 'Perhaps perhaps I was trying to get revenge on Allen for loving Marlene first for Cid and for falling in love with Hitomi. If I had felt sure of him, sure he loved me, I could have waited, I would have told Dryden I didn't want to, but as it was' Her voice trailed off and she gazed blankly at the white triangle.
Serena took her hand. 'Look at me.' Millerna did, unwillingly, and met Serena's eyes, fiercely bright.
'If you just tell Allen that,' she said, 'tell him just the way you told me now, he will understand. He'll forgive you. He loves you. And if he doesn't understand, I'll kick his ass till he does. You haven't done anything worse than he did. In fact, you did better, you were married to Dryden at the time and he wasn't promised to anyone else. You have a right to have this baby.'
'I don't even really want to,' Millerna said. 'I'm only fifteen and a half. I won't be sixteen till spring. I wish it would just go away. I'm not ready to be anyone's mother.' There was real despair in her eyes. 'Serena, would you hit me? Punch me really hard in the stomach. I'm sure that would do it. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, you would just be helping it happen. I can't do it to myself. I just can't stand to. I keep going riding and taking hot baths and lacing my stays tight, but it's not enough. Please help me get rid of it.'
'There's no way I'll do that,' Serena said. She was appalled. 'And you shouldn't ask me to. You could damage yourself forever - what if when you wanted to have children you couldn't? What if you and Allen could never have a baby together? If there was a safe way, certainly they probably could have done it in Zaibach, they had operations for everything.'
Millerna began to cry again. 'I can't tell him,' she said. 'I just physically can't say the words to Allen. It's so awful trying to be normal with him when I want to tell him and I can't speak.'
'If you really can't, I'll tell him. I'll come with you to our house and we'll tell him together. I promise you, Millerna, it's going to be all right.'
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