The words in capital letters are meant to show the buttons on the vortex screen. For the sake of the story I am severely messing with the real ending to Sailor Moon R – sorry. In my version, Chibiusa is only loosely connected to the story, i.e., she is not needed to defeat the evil and a trip to the future to save you know who, is definitely not going to happen. She's just hanging around, making life miserable, and the Dark Moon family are just bad guys out for no good, okay?

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PAUSE
A few tears rolled down my face. I'd never considered myself to be lucky during that part of our lives - the time when I'd been brainwashed. Looking back, I realized all the things I hadn't had to feel. I couldn't imagine how I would react if one day Usako turned on me. To see her struggle so hard to get me back, when she couldn't even be sure how I felt about her. And the deaths… I hadn't realized she had been there to witness the deaths of her friends. To feel so much, and then be expected to be able to push it all to the back of your mind and fight. I don't know how she did it even though I had seen the whole thing. None of us truly appreciated how brave she was, I realized. None of us had sufficiently thanked her for giving us back our lives. If possible I loved her even more now, but I was also afraid. I could see how fragile she was and that she had so very little self-confidence. Much of her exuberant personality was a way of not feeling or thinking. She would come into a room and smile her brightest of smiles and everyone, whether they knew her or not, would respond. Then she wouldn't have to be reminded of anything bad, she could just pretend she was as happy as she made everyone else. She was so brave not to let the world change who she was, but I could see it was taking its toil. One day, that pain she kept hidden was going to come out and I didn't know if she would be able to handle it.

" I'm so sorry, Usako, I didn't know. You should have told me. I should have let you tell me", I breathed into the silence. I sighed, and released the pause button. I had a sinking suspicion that things were not going to get much better for Usako.

END PAUSE

Cardions. That was the name of the new enemies that were attacking my fair city. Luna had returned me the memories of Sailor Moon in order to confront this new threat. The others were still unaware that they were Sailor Scouts and Mamoru… Mamoru had forgotten who I was again. Only it was even worse because he no longer even wanted to argue with me like in days gone by. I wasn't worth spending any time with at all. I missed having the scouts around, even if I sometimes I questioned there friendship, because now I had nobody whatsoever to distract me from myself.

I pleaded with Luna not to revive the others though, because I knew how badly I wanted to be just a regular girl, how could I deny them that right? Of course, my time as sole Sailor Scout lasted barely a few weeks because there were simply too many cardions and I became utterly exhausted. I actually would up at the doctor's office after fainting on the way to school. My father ordered a toxin screen while I was there – they apparently thought my erratic behaviour might be blamed on drugs. Naturally, the doctors could find nothing wrong with me, and I was allowed to go home where I got two glorious days off school. I slept so deeply that I didn't even dream and I remember waking up on the second day feeling like I was finally going to be rid of the weight on my shoulders. I could breathe and I felt like I could handle anything. Unfortunately, my good mood was highly noticeable, and my parents sent me straight back to school where I was given masses of work from the days I had missed, and that night there was a particularly strong cardion. I could practically feel the weight on my shoulders come back, and with interest.

Luna then revived the other scouts to help me, and Rei made a snide comment about saving my butt yet again. I was so thrilled to see them, that I let it go that I had destroyed Beryl, and the first dozen or so cardions by myself. There was still no change in Mamoru's memories and I couldn't help but wonder if he was unconsciously repressing them. Maybe when he had found out that Sailor Moon and his princess, were actually me that he decided those were memories he didn't want back. It hurt though, to see him everyday and to know he wasn't thinking about me after all we had gone through, after all I had gone through, to get him back.

The battle with the cardions came to a head, when we discovered the existence of a 'Doom Tree' – a tree that absorbed energy and fed it back to two aliens who were its protectors. We knew the aliens as Ann and Alan from our school. I was pretty sure Mamoru had a crush on Ann so I was almost glad to discover she was an energy sucking alien I could destroy. The tree wasn't really evil, however, and in the end I had to cleanse everything of the negative energy, including Ann and Alan. They left together with a pure seedling of their once great tree. I was left with a migraine, burn marks up my arms, and a Mamoru who was trying to piece together a fractured psyche. That's when he turned to me though, saying almost reverently, " Meatball head?"

I would have liked a more romantic revelation but I was so tired that I just nodded. He put his arms around me which sort-of surprised me.

" What?"

" I feel like I haven't seen you in ages. I missed you", he said.

I started to cry. By now, it's probably obvious that I do this a lot. I guess its how I release all the pent-up emotions I seem to have. I wasn't even sure if I was crying tears of joy, tears of relief, or tears of anger because I wasn't handling this right. But I swear nothing felt so good as to have Mamoru, (excuse me, Mamochan), whisper soft, shushing noises in my ear as he held me. Then the scouts had to interrupt us, but then, that's the story of my life.

Looking back, I think those first few days after the doom tree were the best ones of my life. There was no enemy, so I was slowly getting caught up on my schoolwork again. My parents were hesitant about this new maturity, having been constantly disappointed by me before, but it looked like things might improve in that department as well. I still saw the scouts, which told me that perhaps they didn't just want me because I was Sailor Moon. But by far the best part was Mamochan. I felt so safe when I was with him, so trusted. He made me think that there was something to all this fate and destiny turmoil, if it meant I could be with him.

Sometimes, at night, I would wonder what he saw in me and then worry that he was merely fulfilling his duties as proscribed by duty. He was so handsome, and mature, and intelligent, that I never stopped worrying that I didn't deserve him. He never gave me reason to think that though, so when I was with him I forget my insecurities. I told him everything and I let him have complete freedom in deciding what we would do together. My favourite thing in the world was to catch him off guard and see him smile.

I should have known that it wouldn't last very long. I mean, when was the last time I was allowed to be happy? The enemy this time came in the form of a little pink haired girl with my hairstyle. Okay, so she was actually whom we were supposed to protect from the enemies, the Dark Moon family, but the way I saw it, the trouble started with her.

Chibiusa, the little girl's name, literally fell from the sky, crashing into me and ending up in Mamoru's arms. After this disastrous interruption of one of the few days I got to spend with Mamochan, I went home to discover she had infiltrated my home. Worse, everyone in my family had been brainwashed into thinking that she belonged, that she was a cousin of ours. That made my outrage at finding her in my house, my home, look petty and immature. My parents sided with this five-year-old they had just met over me, and I would soon discover that they always would.

So I want to make it clear that things were not going overly well for me. To sum up: I was in danger of failing out of school, my parents had no trust or pride in me, I had questionable friendships, I had no self-esteem, I had a new 'cousin' who was in my house, and a new stronger enemy. At least, I had Mamochan. I couldn't be all bad if there was one person who saw something about me that was worthwhile, right?

I was despairing but then I brightened because I was supposed to be meeting the object of my affection. I hadn't seen him since Chibiusa had arrived, except very briefly when he'd been out running one morning. That had ended with a meeting with my dad, which had gone over quite badly. Since then, Mamochan had been hard to find and that was why I was so happy to be meeting him today. And he had something to tell me… I turned the corner and ran straight into my Mamochan.

" Oh that was such a majorly bad scene with my dad the other. I'm so sorry; it was humiliating I know", I rambled.

" That's okay, I guess. Look Usako, we have to talk", he said, pulling away from me.

" O-Okay," I said shakily. I think I knew right then because of his tone but apparently God or whoever was in charge wanted to make this as difficult as possible.

" I don't think we should be so close anymore", he said softly, when we were seated on our bench in the park.

" Mamochan…"

" I don't think we should see each other at all, in fact. The truth is, I don't love you. I'm sorry, I thought at first I did but… I can't be with you anymore. I don't love you Usagi, please try and forget about us."

I can't remember what happened then. Maybe I cried or maybe I screamed. Maybe I made Mamochan, sorry Mamoru, stay and spell out every detail of his dislike for me. Or maybe, he had just confirmed everything that I had been thinking about myself and therefore I didn't need any explanation. If that were true, then it would make sense that when I finally remembered to breathe, he was gone. There is no way to describe what I was feeling. I guess the best analogy I can think of is that I was standing on a precipice and the last support had been kicked out from under me.

He doesn't love me. I laughed mirthlessly when I considered how important one little word was to my control. I love you could take so much pain away; I don't love you can make the world turn black. I sat on that bench long into the night. I should have felt cold, but I didn't even change positions. The shock was unbearable but when it began to wear off I began to experience something worse. Hopelessness – complete and utter despair. At midnight I heard screaming and knew I was needed. Working purely on automatic, I reached for my brooch and transformed. I felt no joy in the surge of adrenaline that pumped through my blood. In fact, I could barely see straight.

" Sailor Moon, get it in gear!" Rei yelled to me as I clumsily dodged yet another bolt of electricity from our foe. I tried, I really did but even as I raised my wand to start an attack, I saw a twirl of cape that made me go dizzy again.

" What the hell is wrong with you? Attack it!" Makoto shouted at me.

" Right", I said despondently and I finished off the monster. When it was over a team of irate soldiers surrounded me.

" That was the poorest performance I have ever seen. You could have gotten one of us killed, you could have gotten yourself killed!" Luna yelled at me.

" I don't care", I said sadly. The gasps and cries of anger fell on deaf ears. I changed back into civilian clothes and decided it was time to go home. It was two in the morning when I stumbled in through the front door. Usually I would have slipped in through my window but as I've said, I was not thinking clearly.

" Where have you been?" My mother said from the darkened kitchen. I knew my father was gone on business so it was just she and I.

" Out", I said.

" What the hell does that mean? It's two in the morning and my fifteen-year-old daughter hasn't been home since she left this morning for school and all you can say is that you've been out? I demand an explanation Usagi."

" I wish I had one to give you. But I don't know what's going on anymore then you do, which is kind-of funny when you consider it's my life."

" Why won't you tell me? What are you hiding? Are you in some kind-of danger? Usagi, I need to know", my mother pleaded. It was so hard and I thought it wouldn't be so bad, would it, if I told her? If I confessed everything then maybe she would tuck me into bed like she used to and tell me everything was going to be all right. Just then, Luna walked in. Her large eyes took in the scene in an instant and she stared at me with so much intensity that I knew there would be no forgiveness should I reveal my identity.

" Mom, just trust me. I'm okay; everything is fine. Everything is just fine", I said stonily as I excited the kitchen to the sound of my mother's sobs.

I kept repeating the words 'everything is fine' to myself like a mantra, hoping I would come to believe it. There was so little holding me together now that I wondered if I even existed anymore. I felt almost ethereal and completely unattached. I hated that feeling of disembodiment. I'd been hurt that day and I wanted to feel pain; I wanted a simple cause and effect that I could cling to and make sense of.

" Usagi? Are you okay? Maybe I was a little hard on you today but it's because I don't want to see you get hurt. You know that, don't you?" Luna said softly to me when we were alone in my bedroom. I was getting out a first aid kit from my dresser to bandage a scrape to my hand.

" Of course Luna, that's your job. Mine is to protect people and tonight I didn't fulfill my part of the bargain. I understand completely. Now, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to be alone so I can think."

" Think? You?" she said, trying to make me laugh. I was so far away from laughing that I didn't think I even remembered what the world meant.

" I though I'd think about how I just broke my mother's heart. I thought I'd think about how Mamoru broke mine. Please, leave me alone."

Luna's eyes widened and I think she would have spoken to me if she hadn't seen the dead look in my eyes. She escaped through my window, leaving me at my desk with the first aid kit in front of me. Slowly I wrapped pure white gauze around the small wound, realizing idly that I would have to buy more tomorrow, and cutting it short with razor sharp silver scissors.

Somehow, the scissors slipped and I cut myself. It wasn't much but a thin line of blood rose to the surface and the pain was sharp and real. For the first time all day I felt something through the numb, blackness. It was so simple; I cut myself, I feel pain. Simple rules to a game I had been losing for so long. I picked up the scissors slowly, turning them under the lamp, watching them flash. Almost curiously, I pressed the edge into my forearm and drew it across. The blood welled up bright and clear and crimson. The pain was like a balm and I finally felt relief from the pressure building up inside me. I convinced myself that the pain I was feeling came from the cut, and not from Mamoru and not from life. What I was feeling was simple in origin and somehow I felt cleansed by this simple act. It wasn't even very deep – it wouldn't leave a scar. It was only a surface wound but it was exactly what I thought I needed, and I would not accept someone telling me differently.

I guess I thought I knew you

But then I thought I knew myself

It was something of a shock to find

I'm lost like everyone else

And if we're all so troubled

And since nobody knows the way

Who are you to tell me

Who I should be at the end of the day?

I opened my eyes on a morning soon after that and sighed. Another day that would be just like yesterday and it would be just as bad tomorrow. Another 'one of those' days that for me was becoming a chain. Maybe I should just give-in and call it 'one of those' lifetimes. Pulling myself off the floor, I stretched and grimaced as my muscles protested. Since Chibiusa and Luna had taken over my bed, I'd been pushed to the floor where I'd stayed for the night because I was too tired to protest.

Still stiff and sore, I walked downstairs for breakfast. I was starving, as usual, but I was also feeling a little bit dizzy. Sometimes I get like that after a battle – yet another wonderful side-affect of the crystal.

" Geeze, slow down would, save some for the rest of us", said my brother.

" Oh, what do you know?" I said angrily.

" He's right, Usagi, that's hardly ladylike behaviour", said my mother coldly. So now even my manners were questionable. Wasn't there anything about me they liked? I was so ashamed that I put down my spoon and swallowed with difficulty.

" You'd better get going Usagi. You have to pick up Chibiusa after class so you'd better not get detention. And I don't to hear ANY complaints from her later, understood?"

I nodded and got up from the table. Today, at least, I remembered my lunch, or I would have had it been in it's regular place on the counter. I looked around for it but couldn't find it and I felt kind-of guilty asking my mom for it seeing how angry she'd been with me the other day. Maybe she hadn't bothered to make me one.

" Usagi, if you don't move it you're going to be late!" my mother said, her voice telling me she was running out of patience. The clock was ticking so I walked out. If I had turned back then I would have seen Shingo and Chibiusa returning my pilfered lunch to the counter and snickering.

At school, I was so tired and hungry that it was harder then usual to pay attention, but I knew my head would be on a platter if I got a detention today, so I tried to pay attention.

" … so chlorophyll is a necessary component of the photosynthetic process. Who can tell me two products of photosynthesis?" asked my teacher, Miss Haruna. The concepts were beyond me, as usual, and I prayed desperately in my head that she wouldn't ask me. 'Don't pick me, don't pick me, don't pick me', I thought and tried to shrink into my desk. Unfortunately, Miss Haruna, ignored all the raised hands and asked me,

" Usagi, why don't you tell us the answer?"

I could feel my face going red as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. " I… I don't know".

" Were you sleeping in my class again?"

" No, Miss Haruna."

" Sometimes, I don't know which is worse, you sleeping in my class or being awake and still not having a clue."

The class laughed a little and I let my head fall back to my desk and tuned them out. When the lunch rang, I was the first one out of the classroom. I met up with Makoto and we headed outside to meet Amy.

" I forgot my lunch, and I am so hungry", I complained melodramatically.

" Only you could get so upset over food", Makoto chided. " Here, you can have some of mine."

" Usagi, don't tell me you forgot your lunch again?" Amy said incredulously.

" Yeah, but what else is new? I'm a ditz remember? This is really good Makoto", I said taking a small bite.

" What would you do without me?" Makoto joked.

" Die of starvation, probably", Amy teased back. " Hey, didn't you say you were going to the counsellor today at lunch?"

Oh know! I had forgotten that. My parents had set up a series of appointments with the school counsellor because of my grades. They think I might have a learning disability. Well, I do, but putting 'Sailor Moon' down as abnormal stressor was not about to happen. I should probably go to this meeting even if it's just to say that there is no point wasting time on a loser like me. And I am a loser; a pathetic, ugly, horrible human being that nobody wants to have around. Mamoru certainly saw that right away, I'm sure the others will notice soon.

" Usagi, don't tell me your thinking of him again?" Makoto said, rolling her eyes in exasperation. Yeah, I'm sure it must be annoying hearing about old boyfriends all the time, isn't it Makoto? Of course, I don't say this aloud since I don't want to lose what little support I still have. " Can't you get it through your head that Mamoru's a jerk?"

If Mamoru's a jerk, and he dumped me… what am I? I paste a phoney smile on my face and return brightly,

" I was totally not thinking of him. I'm thinking I'm so dead-meat if I don't get to that meeting!" I said. I jumped up and ran around the corner. On the other side of the building, my persona fell apart.

" Well, now she's happy, but I'm hungry", I heard Makoto say.

" 'Share' your lunch with Usagi is kind-of an oxymoron."

" I love her, but next time she forgets her lunch, I'm going to disappear."

" Same here when it comes to studying. I don't know how many times I explained photosynthesis to her".

I ran away until I was out of earshot. I had barely taken a bite of Makoto's lunch and besides she had offered and Amy was always looking to show off, it's not like I'd begged her to teach me about science. Oh God, I was being so unfair, wasn't I? I had taken advantage of my friends without even realizing it. I was the worst kind of person. Shakily, I knocked on the door of Mr. Carsette's, the counsellor's, office door.

" Ah, Miss Tsukino. I'd given up hope", he said.

" Sorry, Mr. Carsette, I forgot about the meeting." I could tell he was upset about the excuse, but he also seemed resigned.

" Come in. I have a few more tests for you to take, and then we'll mail them off", he stopped talking as he sat down at his desk and gave me the once over. " Are you okay? Do you need to talk about something? I know from your parents that there is a new addition to your house by way of a… cousin? Do you find this arrangement stressful?"

Stressful? The fact that there is a girl in my house who has brainwashed my family into thinking she belongs? Well, she gets along better with my parents and my ex-boyfriend then I can ever did or will. She also takes over my bed when I get back exhausted from a battle, purposely gets me in trouble, and makes me that much more worried about keeping my identity secret. But I can't complain, because she's just a kid. Now, why would that be stressful?

" No there's no problem", I said. I don't sound very convincing but I'm just so tired. I find it harder and harder to care about anything, anymore. I get to work on the tests. The bell rang, signifying the end of lunch period, and I handed Mr. Carsette the tests I'd filled out. All the blank spaces made me feel stupider then usual, and I was embarrassed when he looked them over.

I made it through the rest of the day without any major problems. I avoided Makoto and Amy when I left school – I just didn't think I could face them right away. I also remembered to pick up all the books I needed for my math test tomorrow. If everything went according to plan then I would pick up Chibiusa, finally get something to eat at dinner, and then have all night to study. Having a plan made me feel a little better, but then I turned the corner and crashed into someone. I didn't even need to look at him to know it was Mamoru. Why me, and why today? Oh, who was I kidding, it was never a good time to see Mamoru.

" S-Sorry, Mamoru", I mumbled. I didn't look him in the eye. His image is so wound up in this great, black, maelstrom of pain that I can scarcely think of him as a separate being anymore.

" Whatever, Usagi. Why should I expect anything else?" Mamoru said with a weary sigh. I can only watch as he walks away. I am sorry, whether Mamoru believes me or not. I'm sorry for constantly getting in his way, I'm sorry for being so clumsy, for being immature, for being stupid, ugly, a nuisance. I'm sorry for being a constant reminder to him of his one mistake: dating me. The very idea that I could ever be good enough for him is laughable; I just can't believe he took so long to see it. He must hate that I could hold our 'relationship' as blackmail over him. He must hate me.

PAUSE

No chance of tears this time. There were too many other emotions in play. Anger that she could hide this from me; hurt that she could believe so easily that I hated her; shock that she would cut herself. My beautiful, wonderful, special, Usako had so much self-loathing that she was literally tearing herself apart. I wanted to scream at my past self. That day, why did he have to say 'whatever'? He must have seen something. At least, I should have made sure she was okay.

To think, all those times when she would beg me for forgiveness, it wasn't because she thought she had done something specific, it was because she was sorry for ever having bothered me. She was sorry to have ever considered herself worthwhile. How wrong she was. I was the one who didn't deserve her, I was the one who had been selfish and was thinking only of myself. I had never thought about what I was doing to her when I said those things, I just wanted her to be safe so I wouldn't be alone. Some protector I was. Even when we were together, I never told her she was beautiful or that I loved her. I never told her anything…

And now she thinks I hate her. She thinks I hate that she exists. She doesn't know that I wait around corners just for the chance of running into her - I didn't know those meetings caused her so much pain. I can't believe I had the audacity to think she wouldn't be as affected as I was about our break-up. How could I have been such a fool to think that because I was older, I was more serious?

Dreams. This had all started with dreams. One premonition and I had thrown away my chance to be with Usako. No wonder I had been given this opportunity to see how that choice affected her. I would never take it for granted again that I was the sole person who knew best. I did need the balance of knowing that I was not the only person who mattered. Please, tell me that it's not too late to change my mind? I won't listen to the dreams – I'll decide what's best for myself and for her. I will be her protector against whatever comes. If I have the chance… but the pause button in still flashing. There's still more to see. I hope I'm strong enough for it.

END PAUSE

Sighing, I remember that I still have to pick up Chibiusa from her playgroup. Walking quickly I arrive at the right building and knock on the door.

" Hi, I'm here to pick up Chibiusa?" I said to the woman who answered.

" Oh yes, one moment please", she said.

" Oh. It's you", Chibiusa said flatly. Charming kid, really. Still, I was determined to not let her have anything bad to say about me when we got home. I was already skating on very thin ice with my parents.

" Hey, kid-o. Want to stop for ice-cream on the way home?"

" Yeah!" she said. " But don't call me kid-o."

We stopped for ice cream where I spent the very last of my savings on making Chibiusa happy. I ignored the rumblings in my own stomach. What was a little hunger, if it put me in good with my family? I came to the realization, that Chibiusa wasn't nearly so bad when she was in a good mood. It made me wonder why she was constantly angry with me; I must just rub her the wrong way. When she'd finished her treat, she grinned up at me, and yelled, " Race you home!"

She took off without waiting for a reply. I ran after her, careful to keep her in front of me and in sight. My eyes only stopped following her when she ducked into the walkway of our house. When I caught up, I couldn't see her, and reasoned logically that she had gone inside. The door, however, was locked and I had to knock. My mom answered,

" Where's Chibiusa?" she said instantly. Hello, nice to see you too, I thought. I sighed but replied,

" She should be right here, she was ahead of me…"

" Mommy, mommy! Usagi went too fast and I couldn't keep up. I thought I was lost!" Chibiusa said tearfully. My mother gave her a hug and then Chibiusa stuck her tongue out at me. The little brat was trying to get me in trouble.

" That's not what happened…"

" Usagi! I cannot believe you could be so cruel. Everyone is always saying how kind you are, but I for one have certainly not seen it. How could you do such a thing to a child? Go to your room, and don't you dare come down until I say so. I don't even want to look at you right now!"

" No, wait. Usagi didn't really do that", Chibiusa said, fearing she'd gone a little too far.

" It's nice of you to protect her, Chibiusa, but I know my daughter", said my mother coldly.

In my room, I admit I sort of lost it. All the pink, pretty, 'normal' girl things in my room suddenly seemed like a cruel joke. Normal; I would never be normal. With a rage I didn't know I had, I tore the posters from my wall, I pushed the row of crystalline figures and cosmetics to the floor where they smashed, I tore the pink wallpaper and ripped the bunny sheets from my bed.

" Usagi? What are you doing?" said a fearful Chibiusa from the doorway. I spun around angrily, my eyes fixating on her pink hair. She took a step backwards to the security of the hall, and I instantly repented my actions. I was mad at myself, not at her.

" I'm sorry. I'll try to be quieter", I said soberly. Chibiusa seemed about to say something but she shrugged her shoulders and left. I closed and locked the door. I began cleaning up the damage I had done; I didn't want to give anyone reason to worry over me. When I got to the broken glass by the dresser, I was shaking with poorly handled and constrained emotions. Perhaps, on an intellectual level, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, destructive, but I didn't know what else to do. I chose a sharp shard of glass and cut myself.

When the pain on my forearm had faded to a dull ache, I switched sides and made a similar cut on my other forearm. I liked watching that thin ribbon of red grow bigger and then get large enough to drip over the side. I would restrain myself, cutting only my forearms, because these were hidden by my school uniform and by the gloves of my Sailor Moon uniform. And I wouldn't do this all the time. Only, when I really needed it. Because I had control – I wanted control.

I don't know where I'm going

I don't know when I'll arrive

I don't know how the story ends

I don't know if I'll survive

I don't know which choices to make

But here's what I'll try to prove

If life doesn't cause me to break

I'll find my way back to you

Three weeks later found me again in Mr. Carsette's office, this time with my parents. They sat on one side; I sat on the other. The tension was palpable and I had the distinct feeling of being in trouble, though, to my knowledge, I hadn't done anything specific as of late. I dug my nails into my arm when I started to feel the panic rising.

" First thing I want to say, is that nobody has done anything wrong. A lot of times parents feel like they need to place blame on somebody, but the truth is a learning disability is nobody's fault", Mr. Carsette said.

" So, that's definitely the problem, she's…"

Stupid? Helpless? Hopeless? Never going to amount to anything? I suggested as possible answers in my head.

" …special?"

They discussed my problems like I wasn't even there. Pointing in clear detail all the things that were wrong with me. My parents were getting more upset by the minute. They must be so ashamed of me.

" Actually, Usagi is probably quite bright. She would have to be to have gotten this far without anyone picking up on this. She has devised many tricks and methods to enable her to keep up with her classmates and up until now that has worked. But in junior high, and especially next year in high school, it is getting much too difficult to keep on top of demands. I know we've discussed holding her back this year…"

Oh God, please no. Don't let everyone know that I can't handle it.

" … but I've come up with an alternate plan. Usagi will meet with a professional, for an hour after her regular classes where she'll learn different methods and strategies, for getting around her disability. She'll also get some help in the more troubling areas of her schooling. If she keeps this up for the rest of term, two weeks, then I think we'll be able to get her a placement in summer school. That should be sufficient to allow her to continue on with her friends next year."

More school? I started to hyperventilate. I couldn't handle more school. Didn't they realize that I was already working twice as hard for the same results? Couldn't they see that I was worn out? I wouldn't, couldn't go to summer school too. It was too much to ask of me. I was positively frightened of the idea that I would spend the rest of life trying to do something and failing.

" But I… I don't want to", I said trying, to sound intelligent, but I was just so horrified. I felt tears prickling my eyes. They didn't understand; this was going to kill me.

" Usagi, you're being ungrateful. Mr. Carsette is telling you that won't be left back next year, that's good news", my father said tightly.

" But I've been working so hard, I don't know if I can keep going", I said desperately, turning from my mother, to my father, to Mr. Carsette, looking for some understanding. There was none.

" Of course you can, don't be so melodramatic. She'll do whatever it takes Mr. Carsette to bring up her grades. Won't you Usagi?" said my father, with a commanding look at me. I nodded dumbly.

" Thanks for your help, Mr.Carsette. I just wish there had been a better outcome", said my mother gathering her coat. My life is ending, I'm practically crying, and nobody gives a damn what I think.

" Take care, Usagi. I'll make up a schedule for you", Mr. Carsette said. I just nodded again; if I opened my mouth again I was sure I'd start crying. The car ride home was excruciating. We were almost there when my mother broke the silence,

" It's your sixteenth birthday next week, do you have plans?" she asked tightly. Her tone made it clear that she didn't think I really deserved a party. I didn't think I did either.

" The girls are going to plan something for me, so I probably won't be home. I know Chibiusa's going to be having her party at the house so at least that's one less person to feed", I said.

" Well, if that's what you want", my mother said. There was no further discussion.

I helped Chibiusa deliver her invitations. When I came across one addressed to Mamoru, I managed to keep my cool. All that was keeping me going was the thought of my birthday. The girls weren't really throwing me a party – we were too busy figuring out the newest members of the Dark Moon Family, Diamond and the Doom Phantom. But on my birthday I was going to go out, by myself. I thought I would go to the park and sit on the bench and look at the moon.

When Chibiusa's birthday and mine came, I did just that. I took my bag and narrowly avoided running into Mamoru as I ran out the door. The first few minutes were peaceful but I should have known what would happen. I mean it was almost a birthday tradition now.

The youma was not terribly big or tough, so I decided to take it on by myself. I transformed and went charging after it. I was right in my assumptions; the youma put up very little resistance, but when it was moon dusted, who should appear but our enemy Diamond.

" What do you want?" I hissed.

" What I've always wanted. You, the crystal, and a certain little rabbit."

" Three strikes – you're out."

" Oh I don't think so", he said and a third eye appeared in the middle of his forehead. He tried to hypnotize me, to inject some of his darkness into my mind. He was very surprised when the darkness retreated, scared by what it had seen already residing in my head. You can't make someone afraid of death when they already have a death wish. Diamond faltered and floated down until he was standing on the ground. " I don't understand, you're supposed to be… you're the embodiment of light".

" Sorry to disappoint you", I said. Unbelievably, I almost was. Sorry that there was so much hatred and anguish in my soul. Sorry that I was polluting the image of the perfect princess and glorified golden child. I raised my wand and prepared to do battle. I hit him square on and he collapsed. With his last breath he threatened, " My master will come for you and will make even you quake with fear". I just hit him again and he disappeared, never to be seen again.

I used my communicator and managed to get Rei. I told her that Diamond had appeared and that he wasn't going to be bothering us anymore.

" You destroyed Diamond? I don't believe it. How could you not call us?"

" There wasn't time. Look Rei, I have to go. I have important things to do."

" I'm sure", she said, rolling her eyes. " Well, have a happy birthday anyway, Usagi."

" Thanks. I will." I said and ended the connection. Have a happy birthday? How the hell was I supposed to do that? Couldn't go home because my 'replacement' is having her birthday. In fact the more I thought about it, the more perfect it seemed. Chibiusa was cute, smart, and the family favourite. My parents would be having a great time now throwing her a party, and seemed too convenient that we shared our birthdays. Mamoru would be there, maybe even a few of the scouts. There would be friends and laughter. There was nothing I could contribute, that Chibiusa could not do better. She was my replacement and a good one at that. Maybe, it would be better if I didn't go home tonight. They would forget about me and everything would go on without a hitch.

I kept walking through the deserted park, mulling over my thoughts, when I came to a pretty little bridge bathed in moonlight. I sat on the railing and looked at the swirling water below me. I hadn't planned on doing it. Or maybe, I did, or why else would I have brought the scissors with me? Pure beads of blood dropped to the water below and were swallowed up effortlessly.

" Happy birthday to me", I sang cynically. I slashed hard and felt the warm gush of blood. " Happy birthday to me", I continued. I switched arms and tore deeply into the other arm. " Happy sweet sixteen, pathetic Usagi", I sang creatively. My arms dropped over the side of the bridge and the thick rivulets of blood trailed down my arms, wrapped almost caressingly around my wrists and trickled off my fingers. " Happy birthday to me."

My vision began to swim and part of me hoped that this meant I'd finally gone too far and that my body wouldn't heal itself this time. Of course, this wasn't true. Eventually the dizziness and nausea passed and I was just a small, broken, girl on a bridge again. I crept down to the river edge and bathed away as much of the blood I could. Fortunately, I was wearing black and the stains weren't too noticeable. My arms throbbed from the cold water and I knew I would feel this latest 'attack' for a good long time. But then I deserved it, didn't I?

" Usagi, are you even listening?" said my mother one morning at breakfast. It was the last day of school. A happy occasion for most students - not so for me. It was going to be a very long day for me because I had to take a bunch of tests and fill out applications so that I could get into summer school. That was a joke. I'd be spending my whole day stressing and panicking in order to go somewhere I had no desire to be.

" Don't you ignore us", my father said angrily.

" Sorry. I don't feel very well", I said and it was true, I didn't feel well. Probably because I hadn't been eating well, or sleeping well, and because I'd lost quite a bit of blood lately…

" That's the worst excuse I've heard in a long time, Usagi. We're counting on you to get into this school for the summer. I want you to really apply yourself."

" Yes, sir", I said. " I had better get going, don't want to be late."

I trudged wearily to school, no longer giving a damn if I was late or not. What could they do to me that could possibly make my life worse? I ran into Mamoru again. No surprise there but unfortunately, it was a hard hit and I went straight to the ground. I think I must have banged my head because I had trouble orientating myself when it came to getting back up. Mamoru grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to my feet. I bit down hard on my lip to keep from crying out when he squeezed my ravaged skin.

" Sorry", I said, wrestling my arm free and walking on. The blood began seeping through the white blouse of my uniform and I stared at it. People would see this. They would find out and they would know I was weak and cowardly. I could just imagine how my classmates would stare in wonder and begin whispering about me. I couldn't face them like this. And all those tests… All the while knowing people would be looking at me, judging me, waiting for me to fail. I couldn't do this – not now, not ever.

The school came into view and my mouth went dry. My breathing increased until I was practically hyperventilating. My legs started to shake and then it got so bad that I couldn't take another step. No, please no. I can't do it. I slumped to the ground, tears forming, and knew I had given up. There was no way I could make it any further. As if on cue, it started to rain. Just a light sprinkling, but as I fled to the park and hid, it still managed to make me feel cold.

Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain

And when I am empty, I'll come back again

When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free

Then I'll let you hold me

My secrets you'll keep

This is what matters

The rest is skin deep

I stayed in the park all day feeling cold and lonely. I felt horrible for not having gone to school. Why did I have to be such a coward? It was only school. People went to school all the time and other people had way more challenges then an insignificant learning disability. I was no good for anything. At the appropriate time I made my way home. One look at my mother and it was clear that she knew I hadn't gone to school. She shook her head at me and then slammed her palm flat against the counter.

" Don't say a word. I am so angry right now that I don't want to look at you in case I do something we will both regret. You will go to your room and you will stay there until your father gets home. Go, now!" she hissed at me. No youma has ever scared me as badly as she did. And yet, part of me accepted it as inevitable. In fact it amazed me that they had put up with me this long. Maybe it would be better if I just didn't exist…

The more I thought about it, the better the idea seemed. In fact, it was so simple that I couldn't believe I had not considered it before. To put an end to it all, to sleep forever. No more demands on my time, no more disappointments nor failures. Wasn't that what I'd been looking for all along?

Excited, almost, by my revelation I set about making preparations. I decided not to leave any letters because I was leaving to make their lives easier, not to make them feel guilty or to think about me differently. I would use the scissors since they were familiar to me and strangely comforting. The best place would be in the bathtub to make clean up easy and if I filled the tub with body-temperature water, it would help to prevent my blood from clotting. What to wear? Certainly didn't want to be found naked but I wasn't about to ruin something nice. In the end I settled on a pair of jeans and my favourite T-shirt. Once I was changed and the bath drawn, I began to feel the first tremors of doubt. Resolutely, I clutched the scissors in my hand and walked very slowly towards the bathroom, entered, and closed the door behind me.