Chapter Twelve
'And who, young lady, is "V"?' Yukari asked archly.
Hitomi looked up with a guilty little gasp. She hadn't realised Yukari was behind her - she must have gotten up from her side of the table and stolen round behind her without Hitomi noticing. They were doing their homework at Yukari's house, or were supposed to be - for the last few minutes Hitomi had been quietly absorbed in filling the margin of a page with little interlocking hearts with 'V' and 'H' in them. It was a kind of wishful thinking, or witchful thinking, trying to bind his heart to hers. She tried to put her hand over the hearts, though of course it was too late for that to do any good.
'Come on - who is it?' Yukari pressed her. 'Is this who you've been moping about? What's he like? Is he hot? Is he anyone I know?'
'No. No, you've never met him.' Well, you did the first time it happened, but then something happened to time, and no, you didn't.
'That's only one answer! What about the rest of them? If you've got a boyfriend too, that's great!' She grinned at Hitomi, relieved to think that this was the answer to the mystery.
'He's - he's far away. I can't see him.'
'Oh.' Yukari looked really sorry. 'That sucks. I know just how you feel.'
'No you don't,' Hitomi said. She realised that sounded hurtful, and tried to explain. 'Amano's in England but he writes to you all the time, and you talk online, and you know for sure that he loves you because he reminds you all the time. This guy he never keeps in touch any more. I don't know if he's stopped caring, or if he's having some kind of problem, or what. There's no way for me to find out. So I just have to sit here and wish for him.'
'This isn't one of those dopey e-romances, is it?' Yukari asked. 'You can't kid yourself that you're in love with someone you've never met. If he's stopped mailing you you should just try to forget him. He was probably fat, forty and Finnish, anyway.'
'No, it's real life,' Hitomi said. It was either realler than anything else that's ever happened to me, or a dream an illusion
'Oh.' Yukari looked thoughtful. 'Well did he go to our school? You've got to give me something to work with, even if you don't want to tell me all about him.'
'No, he didn't.' Hitomi folded her arms on the table in front of her, and rested her cheek on them. 'But if you want to know all about him well, he's the same age as us. His parents are dead and he lost his older brother too, so he was mainly brought up by an old soldier and the only one who gave him much affection was a little cat. He can seem awfully stubborn and arrogant when you first meet him but it's just because he worries so much and he wants to be strong he can be so kind, though. He's incredibly brave, although terrible things happen to him and I know he gets really scared. He has thick black hair, and it usually hangs over his eyes he's got eyes the colour of chocolate and skin the colour of honey.' It surprised her a little how easy it was to tell about Van quite truthfully and still make him sound like an ordinary person. If only it were as easy to make him an ordinary person.
'And how do you know this sweetie?' Yukari asked.
'I don't want to tell you,' Hitomi said. It was a total lie but she couldn't begin to tell Yukari the truth. There was just too much of it, and it sounded too much like the fantasies of a over-imaginative schoolgirl who had been reading King Arthur stories and watching Star Wars until her brain's reality filter burst. Either fantasies, or actual delusions. There were times when she wondered if she could have imagined the whole thing, especially now she no longer saw Van maybe she was actually getting saner and that was why she could no longer see him. She had had an imaginary friend when she was little, a friendly wolf who kept her company and growled at anyone who was mean to her. Could she have come up with an imaginary lover and thought herself into believing he was real? But if she had, why would it have been Van? Allen would have made far more sense from a romantic-hero point of view, especially since he was so much like the boy she'd had a crush on to begin with. But Van was the only one she could think of now, skinny legs, bad temper and all. He was just too real not to exist.
'Fine then,' said Yukari huffily. 'Be mysterious. I'll find out sooner or later.' She flounced back to her side of the table and cracked open her English textbook, refusing to look at Hitomi.
Hitomi sighed and looked again at her Hs and Vs. I miss him. It really hurts. Sometimes missing him and hurting are all I can do. She thought she was probably going to drive herself into a depression, not just feeling sad but something clinical. Perhaps that was a self-indulgent idea. There were probably people with far more to be depressed about, but that wasn't a very comforting thought. She kept listening to sad music, singing along with Bic Runga till her voice cracked and her little brother Mamoru yelled through her closed door 'For God's sake play something else!' Say you'll stay, don't come and go like you do. Sway my way - yeah, I need to know all about you. It's all because of you. She had been reading fantasy novels and manga because immersing herself in another world was a little bit, somehow, like going back to Gaea. Sometimes she identified furiously with the heroine - of course, there was no shortage of manga stories where a girl was whisked into a confusing magical world, met a handsome hero and had perilous adventures with him. Fushigi Yuugi was her favourite at the moment. She liked to think she had been a little less useless than Yuuki Miaka - and of course, unquestionably, Van was cuter than Tamahome. (Picking between Allen and Hotohori would have been hard, though.)
On the other hand, one series of novels, by an English writer called Diana Wynne Jones (translated editions - her own English wasn't that good yet), hadn't particularly reminded her of her situation until she got to the end of the last book, The Crown of Dalemark, and the hero and heroine were separated by time travel, with her returning to her own time three centuries on from his. Then Maewen found out that Mitt had lived all along to catch up with her, because he'd turned out to be Undying (one of the immortals of their world), and realised 'He's three hundred years old. I'm fourteen.' That was the kind of division she was thinking about, the kind of aching impossibility. At the end of the book it was implied that Mitt and Maewen would be together again, because he had left her a message and she was setting out to find him, but you didn't know. And that was all the author left you with. Hitomi felt she was considerably worse off than Maewen and Miaka put together.
The other day she had been in a shop with Yukari and the muzak had been playing American songs from the sixties, rock and roll and soul. Yukari was trying on one top after another without ever making up her mind and Hitomi had been amusing herself while she waited, testing herself to see if she could understand the English words of the songs. A woman was singing something about leaving on a midnight train, and suddenly one phrase leapt out of the song and hit her in the heart: I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine. The words had gone round and round in her head all the rest of that day, and she had dreamed about Van that night, with more bittersweet intensity than usual. Could she ever say that and mean it? Could she leave her own dear, safe world again? Did she love Van enough?
Maybe he didn't love me enough. Not enough to wait without knowing if we could ever be together. Maybe he's smarter than that and he's forgetting me. He could have found someone else probably not Meruru, but there are more girls in the world than Meruru. I wish he'd tell me so I knew whether or not to hope. Whether or not to dream. He never kissed me but I dream about that all the time, his strong arms and his warm mouth and the tawny boy-smell of his hair I dream we're flying together, his wings are lifting me and shielding me, and the warm dragon wind is in our hair and the air is full of light and perfume I dream I'm falling and he catches me. And I dream that he's just holding me and I'm holding him and neither of us will ever let go. H and V together in a heart.
Yukari sneaked a peek over the top of her book. Hitomi was sitting perfectly still, gazing blankly at a point on the tabletop, with tears dripping steadily down her face. She didn't know Yukari was looking at her. She didn't seem aware of anything in the world. Yukari knew she should speak to her, should try to comfort her, but it seemed impossible. She didn't know how to help. Hitomi didn't even trust her enough to tell her what the problem really was. She raised the book again before Hitomi could notice she had been looking.
Rafel watched the ships arrive from his 'front porch.' He'd expanded the little hut, bringing up sheets of cardboard and iron and old sacks, whatever he could find to put together as walls and roofs. He had quite a little warren now. The rats didn't run away from him any more. They probably thought he was just a larger rat without a tail. Fortunately, he had found a tin box with a firm lid, so he could keep the cheeky buggers out of his food. He covered his head when he went to sleep so he wouldn't have to wake up with them running over his face. The front porch was a little awning made from old plastic bags stretched over wire. He crouched there and watched them come cutting through the sky, so graceful you thought they were slow until you realised how much closer they were now than they had been a few moments ago. One big and two little. Mum and two babies.
He couldn't think what they were doing here. Two were Asturian and one was from Freid. He used to have a book, all the classes of ships, their names the Asturian little one was a bit unusual, old-looking, but he recognised the national style. It took him a few minutes to realise they were heading straight for his building, straight for the Capitol, lowering down over it.
'Shit,' he muttered, and scurried to the stairwell. He didn't like to go down through the building proper, usually used the fire stairs to get down to ground level, because you never knew what you were going to find in those rooms, except that you could be sure of finding places to hide. But he didn't go down yet. He wanted to see. He crouched just inside the stairwell, holding the door open a crack. He hadn't seen airships in months.
The little Asturian came down the lowest, right down, getting level with the roof, banking and dipping into position. Grappling hooks shot out, embedded themselves in the tiles and drew the ship close. Ramps extended from its rear and - he caught his breath at this, which was dumb because there must have been people on board the ship to steer it and everything - people came out.
He thought 'two men and two boys' at first, but then the shaven-headed man moved and he could see the taller boy better and it was a girl, dressed like a knight. They were all different from each other. Asturian, at least some of them must be Asturian. Shaven-Head looked like he was from Freid and he just couldn't tell about the other boy, the only boy, a kid with skinny legs, light armour cladding his shoulders and chest, but Rafel's eyes kept going back to the skinny legs - he looked too delicate. Shaven-Head, Stick-Boy, the girl-knight and the tall man. There must be more on the ships but they were the only ones on his roof. They all had swords; they all moved with the kind of agile caution that meant they probably knew how to use them. They were looking around carefully, but he knew how to be hard to see. For once it wasn't a windy night, and their voices carried to him.
'It looks like there's no-one here,' said Shaven-Head.
'Well, it was all dark from the outside, but there could still be people downstairs,' said Girl-Knight. 'It's bigger than it looks because it goes a long way underground, too. I know my way around parts of it but there are a lot Dilandau just never visited.'
Rafel caught his breath. Dilandau. He must be their prisoner. They must have tortured him to get information. It would have taken a lot to break Dilandau-sama. It was hard to imagine what they must have done. Some people said Dilandau-sama was dead but that had never made sense to Rafel. It wasn't as if the government released information like that anyway, so how did they know? When there was a government. And there was no way to find out now.
'I don't want to go down there without backup,' said Tall-Man. 'Not now that I get a look at the place. Let's get some men into parties and we'll start reconnoitring.'
'Agreed,' said Shaven-Head.
'Right you are,' said Girl-Knight. 'Small groups, though. If there are people inside, they're not necessarily hostile and we shouldn't make them panic.'
Stick-Boy wasn't talking, just looking around, very suspicious, crouching like a panther. The others just kept their hands on the hilts of their swords but he had his drawn and ready, shining in front of him, catching such light as there was.
'Put it away,' Girl-Knight said to him irritably. 'You look like you've come to murder someone.'
'You never know who might try to murder us,' said Stick-Boy.
'Here's a concept for you,' said Girl-Knight. 'Everyone in Zaibach is not a freakin' maniac. Some of them are actually human beings. Some of them might get scared and run away when they see you prowling around like that, which will make them really disinclined to co-operate with us.' She had a pretty voice but she sounded hard.
'Let's tell the men the plan and get started,' said Shaven-Head. Rafel didn't need telling. He was down the stairs so fast and quiet you would have had to be another rat to notice him.
Soldiers of Asturia, Fanelia and Freid moved slowly, cautiously down through the Capitol building, carrying lights. They moved in small groups, calling to each other and answering all the time so no one group ever got too far out of earshot if they had to yell for help. Some found echoing halls with strange, still machinery in them. Some found offices and closets. Some found kitchens and gymnasiums and one very surprised group found a ballroom. Everywhere was empty of people, although there seemed to be a lot of rats and mice, and bats in the more cavernous rooms. Once there were people moving around in it, voices going back and forth, it was not even a particularly sinister place, and people began, if not to relax, to move down to a lower level of tension. They were getting down to the ground floor. Everyone from the ships was scouting, except Meruru and Brother Arctu, and a handful of guards. Despite her protests that she wanted to help, and her pointing out that as a cat she was ideally suited, being able to see in the dark, Meruru had been left on Lion Rampant under the monk's supervision
'Please don't try to follow us,' Van had whispered in her ear, and she had stopped protesting. When he turned away from her he found Serena was watching him. She raised one eyebrow expressively before walking off to give the Crusaders their orders. Van was irritated, yes, but the first thing he'd felt had been a little twinge of shame. Then he'd felt belligerent; why should he be ashamed? He was allowed to ask Meruru to do something for him. Friends did that. If Serena wanted to think there was something inappropriate going on, that was just her dirty mind at work. He was just thinking this as Meruru said 'Be careful' and kissed him on the cheek, and that messed all his thoughts up.
'What?' she said, seeing his face. 'It's a kiss for luck. I'm allowed to give you a kiss for luck. A sister could give a brother a kiss for luck. I'm going to stop saying "kiss for luck" right now.'
'Don't worry about it,' Van said. 'Thank you. It was, it was nice. Of you to think of that. Um.'
'I'll just go now,' she said, and hurried away.
'Ohhhh no, you're "not doing anything" with Meruru,' Serena said as she passed him going somewhere else. He darted after her and caught her shoulder, yanked her around to face him.
'Don't say that! It isn't like that. And shut up before someone hears you.' She rolled her eyes at him.
'Oh per-lease. No-one is interested except me because I'm so evil. I don't even think it's particularly wrong, except it's funny to get you in a tizzy about it. Just so long as you remember how young she is. And how young you are, for that matter.'
'You're the same age I am.'
'And married already. Isn't that a kick in the teeth?'
'You make no sense,' he hissed at her.
'And you are so easy to bait,' she retorted gleefully. He glared at her.
'You've got a real cruel streak, you know,' he said. That, to his surprise, actually seemed to hit her. Her mouth twitched a little bit as though she had tasted something bad. Then she drew herself up to her full height - still a little taller than him.
'I don't have time to waste bickering with you right now,' she said, and stalked off. He watched her go, feeling semi-pleased with himself for bothering her, but mainly ashamed because she was right, it was wasting time. So maybe she had won that round after all.
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