Yes, this is FLUFF. Unbearably sappy fluff, at that.
The title of the fic, 'Yasashiku Naritai' means 'I want
to become gentle', and is from a song of the same name… for some reason
it just seemed to…fit. I love "AkaBoku"! ^_^;;;
Yasashiku Naritai
Kuchi ni shita ato de
Kuyamu koto bakari
"Gomen" sono hitokoto ga ienai
Sonna hi wa
Komore bisae mune ni itai
Sora o miagereba
Mabushii kaze ga mau
Hon no chiisana yuuki ga
Hoshii dake sa
It isn't always easy.But I hope you can understand that I'm trying.
Today, I yelled at you for something that wasn't your fault. When I get frustrated, I just lash out at the person in my nearest vicinity. I know I'm selfish, and I'm so used to people just giving me leeway because of my parents' divorce. Almost as if they expect these violent outbursts from me.
Usually I just turn away, refusing to say I'm sorry, even if I feel guilty.
It's different with you, though.
When I yell at you…you get this look on your face, like I've just kicked you or slapped you. And I can't help but want to do anything to make that look go away. I want to bring back that shy, sweet smile I'm so familiar with. When I see you like that, I hate myself. I never wanted you to be my punching bag.
It's not your fault I failed that exam today –well, not directly, in any case. It's not your fault that when you come over to help me study, you're more of a liability than a help. I just get so distracted when you're in the same room. I love watching you; the way you unconsciously grab a lock of your hair and tug on it whenever you come across a difficult problem; how much your eyes sparkle when you keep shooting me sharp little glances out of the corner of your eyes; the way you bring attention to the delicate curve of your neck when you rub it after sitting still too long. You think I don't notice, but I do.
One could almost think you were doing it on purpose.
See how easily you sidetrack my thoughts?
I knew oyaji was going to be upset…or not. It's kinda hard to tell with him; most of the time it depends on how good a day he's had at work, but I was still kinda nervous about it. He'd probably tell me to study harder – I already know I need to do that. Of course, that means I'd get to spend even less time with you, because your time is so precious. You always seem so motivated to study; you have those long hours at juku…
I don't mean to, but I get jealous. It's as if I want to have a monopoly on all your time.
So when you gazed at me with that worried/disappointed look on your face…I just…I don't know. It frustrated me. I don't even know why…maybe it's because if I can't live up to my expectations, how can I ever live up to yours?
Actually, that's not fair. I know you accept me for who I am. You, out of all the others, never judged me…but you were always there when I really needed you.
I want to be with you; I want to go to the same high school; have the same classes; be able to meet you for lunch…It's hard enough on our relationship when we can go for, literally, weeks without even seeing one another – sorry, but faxes and email really don't cut it.
***
"Well, we can't all be like you, now can we?"
"I wasn't…I mean – I don't expect—"
"Yeah, I know, why bother to have expectations for someone like me, right?"
"That's not it, Yamato."
"Then why don't you explain it to me? I seem to be a bit slow."
"…….."
"That's what I thought."
"You know what, Yamato? You can be a real jerk sometimes. If you have a bad day, fine. Take it out on me. I might as well give you the 'go ahead' since you seem to do it anyway."
"Jyou…I…wait --"
"I think I need to go home. I have school tomorrow, and then a mock biology exam in the afternoon."
***
I know that we don't always see eye to eye on things.
Sure, sometimes you really drive me up the wall. Like when it's cold outside, and you refuse to go until I put on a jacket, even if it means I have to borrow one of yours. Or when you and Takeru exchange that look –you know which one I'm talking about—the one that says 'Big brothers are sooo strange.' The fact that you always insist on helping with the dishes, even when you're the guest, drives me nuts too! The whole point is that you're not supposed to work in the kitchen! And that look you give me when I dare to interrupt your reading…scary.
But I even love those little quirks in your personality. It's what makes you…well, 'you'!
There are so many things I find irresistible about you. I love the way you blush and try to push me away whenever I kiss you in a place that could barely even be considered public. Actually, that's probably one of your pet peeves about me…but I can't help it when the reward is so enticing; your cheeks turn this violent shade of red and your voice gets that outraged tone. Of course, usually you won't speak to me for the rest of the day, but you're cute when you're mad, too…so it all evens out. I don't think I'd like to keep you mad forever, so I always end up promising never to do it again. We both know how long that promise lasts, though.
When something tickles your fancy, your smile lights up your whole face. You look absolutely radiant, and I can't help but smile too. I think those are the moments I want to kiss you the most, to capture that ecstatic face between my hands and become the center of your world, just for a little while.
You're always telling me how cute and innocent I look when I'm asleep…I can't really deny it, considering I've never seen myself asleep. But you…you're beautiful when you sleep; with that silky hair falling away from your face, and the peaceful, gentle expression of utter trust that can be seen in the slight upward curve of your lips…And when you fall asleep on the train home…I can't help wishing that the two of us could stay that way forever, with your head on my shoulder and the night lights glittering almost surreally outside through the windows.
How did I ever manage to catch you?
How could someone have not noticed all this about you before?
And why do I find it so hard to tell you? Why do I sometimes lash out at you unfairly, even when you've given me no cause whatsoever?
I stop at the oh-so-familiar gate and press the call button. Your older brother answers, asking who's there.
"Umm, It's Ishida Yamato. Is Jyou there?"
"Just a second, I'll go check…" A slight pause "Yeah, he'll be out in just a second…said something about finishing up one last sen—Whoa! Where's the fire?! H-hey—get back here and put your shoes on; it's cold out there! Jyou! JYOU!!"
I smile as I hear a sudden click from the receiver being hung up suddenly, and wait for you to come down.
I learned so many things in the Digital World. Courage, independence, friendship, love…but right now, most of all, I think I want to learn how to be gentle.
Yasashiku naretara
Kanarazu chigau ashita ni deaeru
owari
No major update here...I'm REALLY REALLY sorry, but I
thought, that maybe to help the understanding of the fic a bit, I'd try
my hand at translating the song I used...I believe I got a review saying
something to the effect that you liked it, but couldn't understand the
Japanese. This is my first time translating a song (or PART of a
song) and I hope I did it right. ::wimpers:: I know I took
a BIT of artistic license (the orginal was something like "sunlight filtering
through the tree", but...it didn't sound really right) but I'm pretty sure
that the song is translated correctly. Or as close to it as I can
get...
I feel regretful after the fact
But I can't say the words "I'm sorry"
On that day
The sunlight peeking through the branches of the tree
Makes my chest hurt
The wind dances through the sky when I look up
All I want is a small bit of real courage.
Just a little more
Until I become gentle
That way, I'll be able to greet a different tomorrow.