Chapter Twenty-Two
Hitomi was lying on the bunk in her cabin when she heard a tap at the door. She looked up drowsily; now that the novelty of being back in Gaea had worn off slightly, she was feeling rather jet-lagged and was trying to squeeze in a little afternoon nap. The situation had changed, apparently now they were not bugging out, thanks to something the genial monk who seemed to be working for Prince Cid had done. She felt too sleepy to keep up with what was going on at this stage; looking at her watch told her only that it was well past her bedtime at home. Perhaps by now her mother would have found the note she left on her bed. Perhaps by now they were worrying about her. She did not think she had been much help here yet, except to make Van feel better.
There was another tap, and she realised she had started to doze again. She rubbed her eyes and made herself get up and answer the door. Van had insisted on giving her his room, saying he and Meruru could easily find other places to squeeze in, but he wanted her to be comfortable. She was not quite used to Van making a fuss of her and it felt strange. Meruru had looked mutinous when he said that, and Hitomi had suggested that she might like to stay, but she had just stomped off. And so there was an empty bunk above her, and she rather thought the one she had lain down on was Van's. She could not quite shake off the uncomfortable feeling that she was imposing.
She opened the door and peered out into the corridor. Serena stood there with a duffel-bag and Hitomi blinked at her in confusion. 'What?'
'Can I please come in?' Serena asked.
'Of course, please - what's the matter? You didn't have another fight with Gadeth, did you?'
'I had a fight with everyone,' Serena said woefully. 'I keep telling myself that things are so bad now they've simply got to get better. I can't stay in the same cabin as Gadeth. The Crusaders are making a stink about us being a couple and I thought this was the way to deal with them but I think they've won, and of course Gadeth is mad at me, why wouldn't he be mad at me, and it all stinks and can I stay here? I'm so sorry to butt in on you but everywhere else is full and I just thought - I mean - oh, why should I think you'd - I mean not that you're not kind but why should anyone help me? I've just been so useless.' Her face crumpled and she began to cry.
'Oh dear,' said Hitomi. 'Please don't cry. No, I mean, do cry if it makes you feel better. Here - sit down - don't bump your head on the top bunk - I'll find you a tissue.' She rummaged in her own bag, on the floor beside the bunk, and found a plastic purse pack of Kleenex. 'Here,' she said, tugging out a tissue and offering it to Serena.
'What is it?'
'A sort of paper handkerchief.'
'Wh - why would anyone want paper handkerchiefs? Wouldn't they all come to bits when you washed them?'
'They're notorious for it,' Hitomi said. 'My mother always complains if any of us leaves one in a pocket when we put our clothes in the wash.'
'What a stupid invention!' Serena said, and began to laugh at the same time as crying.
'They're supposed to be thrown away after you use them,' Hitomi said. 'There you must be all right if you can laugh. Right?' She patted Serena's arm encouragingly.
'I've got a proper handkerchief,' Serena said, fishing in her trouser pocket and coming up with a folded cotton square. 'Oh this is one of Gadeth's. It's one I got for him, I had them monogrammed' She gazed at the 'G.F.' worked on one corner, with apple leaves around it.
'I don't understand what's happened,' Hitomi said gently.
'I'm really not coping. I should have sent to Allen when Gadeth first said so. They're going to be sending for him and Millerna anyway, and he'll find out I messed it up anyway. I was hoping I could sort something out and he'd only hear after it was all cleared up. You know, save the situation, snatch triumph from the jaws of defeat? But I never had the faintest idea how to do that. I never had a proper plan. I didn't realise I was so un-grown-up. I mean I have coped with difficult things before. I don't understand why I can't do it now. Sometimes I'm stronger than I expect to be. I mean, I don't understand why I really have my own personality, why I don't still think and feel like a five-year-old. I suppose I thought from that that I'd keep finding out I could deal with things, the abilities would just be there when I found I needed them. And of course they aren't. Once you start relying on a run of luck it always runs out.' She sniffed deeply, and wiped her eyes with the handkerchief.
'Well, things will come together,' Hitomi said. She still wasn't sure what Serena was talking about, but reassuring her seemed like the main thing to do now. 'Allen will come and help you. Big brothers are good that way. And he'll understand. You just weren't ready for this job yet. There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help, as long as you get help and get better.'
'He snuck me through, really,' Serena said, with a little grin. 'Into the Knights of Heaven. It was awfully dodgy. It's supposed to be just the twelve best swordsmen in Asturia. I haven't even competed against all of them, just someone called Mica Methven who was new as well. He was very good, I only won because I'm quick and unpredictable. I was so grateful to Allen for smoothing the way for me but he really shouldn't have. It just got me in out of my depth. The idea was that it was just to overcome resistance to the idea of a woman in the order it only got me in at the deep end where I've no business to be.' She wiped her eyes again, and blew her nose.
'Well, Van got thrown in at the deep end, and he managed all right,' Hitomi said. 'He needed help, just like you, and he made mistakes, but he's doing all right.'
'Doing better with you here,' Serena said. 'You wouldn't believe how he's perked up. I caught him whistling downstairs earlier. I'm glad someone's happy.'
'You'll be all right,' Hitomi said. 'You just need to believe in yourself. Allen must believe in you - and I bet Gadeth does too, even if he is upset with you right now.'
'You're awfully kind to someone you only just met,' Serena said.
'You were kind to me,' Hitomi said, 'when you knew me even less.'
'It wasn't very altruistic. I was hoping if I could settle Van's hash it would make my life easier and people would be pleased with me. And I was sort of fascinated by the idea of meeting you, and visiting your world.'
'Well, did you enjoy that?'
''course.'
'Have you given him his present? Maybe that would break the ice.'
'I left it on his pillow when I packed up my things. Except half my things are his things that I've taken over.' Serena looked up at Hitomi and noticed her sleepy appearance for the first time. 'You wanted a rest, didn't you? I'm sorry. I have things I should be doing, anyway. Thank you for listening to me whine.'
'That's all right.' Hitomi felt a little rush of relief. It wasn't that she didn't care, but she was so sleepy.
'Off I go to follow the Maiden's Policy,' Serena said, pushing herself up from the bunk bed.
'What? Oh, right - you know, you don't have to take that seriously, it's just a song for little girls.'
'Don't say that! I'm thinking of adopting it as my new personal philosophy.' Serena smiled awkwardly and gave a little wave to Hitomi as she left. 'Have a good sleep.'
Hitomi settled herself on the bed again. The pillow smelled like Van's hair. His hair it's so nice and soft. He got it cut shorter maybe I should tell him I'd like him to let it grow again. Can I tell him things like that? Maybe I can oh, we're together, we're together. Whatever happens, I'm glad I came. She hugged the pillow, and fell asleep properly.
She was woken what felt like a very short time later, but it must have been longer because it seemed to be night. The room was dark now, except for some sort of candle or lamp burning; she couldn't see where just at the moment but the flickering yellow light must come from a flame. Serena was bending over her.
'Hitomi? I'm sorry to wake you up, but you've been asleep for hours and - can you help me?'
Hitomi hitched herself into a half-sitting position and blinked at the other girl. She was dressed differently now, wearing some sort of big, loose black-and-yellow striped top that hung halfway to her knees, and her ashy hair was loose around her shoulders.
'What is that you've got on?'
'Oh old rugby jersey of Gadeth's. I told you, I take over all his things. It it smells like him. He calls me a bumblebee when I wear it. Queen bee. Very good at silly petnames.' She sat down on the floor, her legs splayed in front of her. There was something awkward about the way she moved, and Hitomi realised she could smell wine. There was an open green-glass bottle sitting on the floor beside Serena, and a glass about a third full. Hitomi could not see where the level of liquid in the bottle was very clearly, but it was certainly at least half empty.
'I can't go to sleep by myself. I just can't. So I thought a few drinks might put me to sleep but they've just made me maudlin. I've got to do something to pull myself together.'
Hitomi felt vaguely shocked. Of course some girls her age drank, but she had never been friends with any of them.
'He's my pajamas,' Serena said, and giggled unhappily.
'Are you drunk?'
'This isn't drunk. Oh, you should see me drunk. I'm just wonderful when I'm drunk. He thinks I'm cute. Except I'm not bloody cute when I go around punching people. A messenger's gone to Asturia, by the way. Whee.'
'Who did you punch?' Hitomi asked, alarmed. 'You didn't hit Gadeth, did you?'
'No, no, I hit Baile, and really, he was asking for it. Being a real jerk. I don't want to talk about it. Gatti and Chesta and them wouldn't have talked to me that way. They were such nice boys. I miss them. And then I get all mixed up because they did terrible things, they killed people and burnt houses, but they were nice boys. They worried about Dilandau. You would have liked them, really you would.' Serena rubbed the side of her face wearily. 'Oh, I remember what I wanted to ask you for.' She took something else from the floor, a pair of scissors. 'Could you cut my hair for me? It's driving me mad, hanging round my face.'
'Are you sure? It's so pretty' Hitomi knelt on the floor behind Serena and ran her hand over the silver-gold waves.
'I can't bear it. Please just cut it off. Short, like yours, like a boy's.'
'I don't cut my own hair, you know,' Hitomi said. 'I'm not sure I'll do it right. The hairdresser zaps it at the back with clippers and I don't have those.'
'Please just have a try.'
'All right, but promise not to be angry if it looks weird.' Hitomi looked around blankly for a moment before remembering she had brought a towel in her bag in case she should need it; that would do. She draped the towel round Serena's shoulders and fastened it at the back with a hair-clip she found on the floor; another lay a little way away and she supposed Serena had taken them out and dropped them. Not only an unexpected room-mate, but a messy one. Oh dear.
'Very professional,' Serena said approvingly. 'You know, the last time I had my hair cut - me as me, I mean - was when I was five and they cut my hair off before they changed me. I remember Jajuka saying "poor little thing." All those curls gone. I was so upset, because - well, I wasn't upset about losing my pretty hair, I didn't really think of that. But it was important to Mother. She was always so proud of us having nice hair, as though she'd made it herself on purpose - she used to stroke Allen's and say "You can't get that colour out of a bottle." She'd do mine up in rag rolls to make it curly - it's got a kink in it already, but she liked to make it into clouds of ringlets. Clouds of ringlets, doesn't that sound pretty, just the words?'
'Very pretty,' Hitomi said. 'You're lucky, my hair's always been dead straight.' She was brushing Serena's hair, trying to figure out where she should cut first. If you were going from long to short, could you cut off long pieces, or should you just trim a bit at a time?
'So was Dilandau's,' Serena said thoughtfully. 'No what was I talking about? How upset I was. Because Mother loved my hair, and I was upset for her sake, I think. Something she loved about me was gone, something that made me hers was gone. It took away a link to her. I suppose that was partly why they did it.' She picked up the wineglass and took a small sip. 'This is not a very good bottle. I'm afraid it's corked. I'm not very good at opening them. Now, I had a thought, and I put it to one side while I finished off the thought I'd already started, and now I want to pick it up again and it won't come.'
'You said something about Dilandau's straight hair?' Hitomi offered. She took a lock of hair between her first and second fingers, sideways the way hairdressers did, and snipped off the ends. Cutting hair was an odd feeling; it seemed vaguely improper to be doing it herself and not leaving it to a professional. But it didn't seem to be going wrong so far.
'Yes, that's a funny thing, he had dead straight hair, like Allen does. Very different from mine. And that always makes me wonder - was Dilandau's body, all the external characteristics, what's that word? Some kind of type.'
Hitomi tried to remember her biology textbook. 'Phenotype, I think. The characteristics that actually come out. And the genotype's all the genes you've got, the ones that didn't come out as well as the ones that did.'
'Clever girl,' said Serena. 'I couldn't remember genotype either, but now I can say what I wanted to. I always wonder, did we have the same genotype? I mean, was he the boy I would have been, physically, if I'd been born a boy, or was he made up? I keep thinking that it makes the most sense, with the whole fate alteration thing, for it to be the genotype one. And so - I mean - well, one day I was looking at Allen and I suddenly realised their hair had the same natural parting. And I wondered if Dilandau's hair had been longer, would it have fallen the same way. And I started trying to imagine what if I had been born a boy in the first place, there would have been two Schezar brothers - have you ever tried to imagine Allen and Dilandau as brothers? And would Dilandau still have been an albino then, was that something that went wrong because the changeover was artificially induced, or would Mother have had one gold-and-sapphire boy and one silver-and-garnet? It's such a strange thing to think about.'
'It was hard enough getting used to the idea that Van and Folken were brothers,' Hitomi said. 'Although it seemed natural after a while. I always wish I could have seen them together and happy.'
'I wonder if Van is going to end up that tall,' Serena said. 'He might be going to shoot up in the next few years. You'll have to stand on a box to kiss him. Or carry around a little step-stool. But maybe you'll get taller too. I'm still growing, you know. I don't know why, but I'd expected I would have stopped forever. And then a while ago I realised I needed to let down the hems of my trousers and actually get a new brassiere altogether. I'd gotten taller and gone up a size. It was horribly embarrassing getting fitted for a new one, the lady said I'd been wearing the wrong kind all along, which was why I found it so bloody uncomfortable. It was partly because I'd put on a little weight, I used to be awfully skinny and I'm healthier now. But partly I'd just grown. Gadeth was pretty pleased about the whole thing. I mean, not pleased that I was embarrassed, although he thought that was cute and funny and everything. But naturally enough he liked the idea of me being more voluptuous. Now there's a word you shouldn't try to say after three glasses, I nearly mucked it up.' She sipped at the wine again and made a little face. 'Definitely corked.'
'It must be I don't know, it must be strange to sort of be sharing your body with someone like that,' Hitomi said, and felt herself blushing. Twit. No-one's even looking at you.
'I suppose it is strange,' Serena said. 'I find it quite nice. I'm sort of used to thinking of my body as not entirely mine anyway. Of course, I've got a claim on his body as well. Or I did have. That's the problem tonight, I'm missing his body, missing his presence, and how warm he is, and his own particular smell. I do love how he smells. There's a ghost of it in this ratty old jersey. I just miss how safe and loved I feel, curled up in bed with him. Having someone to sleep with is just lovely. You're never alone. How are you going back there?'
'Quite well, I'm taking off a bit at a time to keep it even.' Hitomi was feeling rather young, although she was telling herself that was foolish. She had never known someone her own age who could talk about these things. Actually, it might be a good opportunity to ask about a few things that had always puzzled her, and that magazines like Cosmopolitan were never really very helpful about.
'Good, good.' Serena put the glass down and slid it away from herself over the floor, Hitomi noted with relief. It seemed to be true that she wasn't drunk, only a little over-emotional and talkative, but it was good to see she wasn't planning to finish the bottle.
'What is it I mean, what is it actually like, going to bed with a man?'
'Why, do you have plans in that direction?' There was a teasing smile in Serena's voice.
'No! No, I just - I just wondered, I mean, you know, and' The blush was worse than ever.
'It's nothing to be ashamed of, girl.'
'I'm not ashamed. I just - well, I don't want to yet. Not that I never think about it, but it's just a nice idea, I don't want it to be part of my real life yet. It would make everything much more complicated and weird. I don't think either of us is ready. He only just kissed me for the first time yesterday, for goodness sake. You shouldn't jump to conclusions like that.'
'Forgive me,' Serena said, 'I have a dirty mind. You're very sensible. Take your time and pick your moment. Don't go for it until you feel really sure, and really safe. Says she who slept with Gadeth about a week after meeting him. I do worry about how that must look to people. I'd argue that it's not morally wrong when you really love someone, but it was only partly because I was falling in love with him. It was for comfort, too, and almost for a distraction. So I wouldn't have to think about how terrible things were. They almost executed me, you know. That's quite a story. I think I told you most of it the other day, at the shops. It was as though - well, the way it always seems to me is that Fate double-checked, and said goodness me, I have been hard on you, you've lost your parents and ten years out of your life and now they're thinking about chopping your head off. It seems a bit excessive. Just by way of compensation, here's a rather gorgeous man to do with as you wish. I could hardly believe it, but there just weren't any catches. There wasn't anything wrong with him. It's only gone wrong now because of me. I managed to mess it up for myself. You're very quiet back there. Letting me rattle on.'
'I'm concentrating,' Hitomi said. 'I've taken off an awful lot at the back and the sides. I'm going to come round the front and tidy up your bangs.'
'It doesn't feel boy-short yet,' Serena said, raising a hand to her head.
'No,' said Hitomi, 'you've got a sort of Beatle haircut at the moment, but I'm going to fix that up.' She shuffled round on her knees to face Serena.
'I was so relieved when you told me they were a band - now I can explain things to Cid. He's been worrying about this little bunch of beetles sending out distress messages. He's such a little sweetie.' Serena bit her lip; her eyes were starting to trickle tears. 'What if I can't sort things out with Gadeth and I get old and die and no-one else ever loves me and I don't get to have any children and'
'Stop that,' Hitomi said gently. 'You're borrowing trouble. I still don't understand why you can't just go and talk to him.'
'I should tell you everything that happened.' Serena told the story while Hitomi finished cutting her hair, and shook her head over the mess.
'It's a good thing Allen's coming,' she said. 'I'm sure he'll straighten them out.'
'Will it be weird for you to see him again?' Serena asked. 'You did nearly agree to marry him.'
'That's the thing,' Hitomi said, 'I could never imagine living with Allen. He's so perfect. I think I always had a feeling it wasn't meant to be. I keep comparing him and Van. It was so different when each of them kissed me. When Allen did, I was happy, sort of, but I was so worried and confused at the same time - and when I saw how upset Van was I felt dreadful. Kissing Van took away some of my worries.'
'Well, I'll ignore that slur on my brother,' Serena said, smiling a little. Changing the subject seemed to have cheered her up somewhat. 'The first kiss is rather special. Always supposing you don't bump noses or anything.'
'I wonder when he'll kiss me again.'
'Or you could pull yourself together and kiss him.'
'I would be nervous.'
'As though he wouldn't be?'
'Do you think they think about these things as much as we do?' Hitomi asked. She put her hand on top of Serena's head and turned it to one side, then the other, checking that the sides were even. The cut was slightly shorter than she had intended, because she had taken a little too much off the top and had to even the rest of it up, but it didn't look too bad. It made Serena look rather Joan-of-Arc-ish. There was a word for it; gamine, that was it.
'Having no first-hand experience of the thought processes of a normal boy, I can't say for sure. I sometimes bully Gadeth into telling me what he thinks about me. I think they think about us about as much as we think about them, but from a different perspective. But everyone's different.'
'They don't talk about it together like we do, do they?' Hitomi dusted hairsnips off the towel around Serena's shoulders.
'I don't know,' Serena said. 'Maybe normal boys do. I suppose it depends on whether they've got anyone they feel they can talk to like that, someone they trust enough to ask questions about personal things. Gadeth says he got a lot of advice from his brothers and cousins, some of which was useful and some of which turned out to be complete rubbish - in fact he suspects them of makng a few things up so he would look silly if he tried them. Do you know if Van has any friends like that?'
'I don't think so,' Hitomi said. 'I don't know if he's friends with any boys his age at all. I don't know much about what his life is like in normal times. He's got Meruru, of course, but she's younger and a girl. I suppose Balgus was sort of fatherly to him.'
'Balgus,' Serena repeated thoughtfully. 'Well, he was a bit of a surrogate father to Allen as well. In a someone-who-teaches-you-and-who-you-look-up-to kind of way, though, not a daddy sort of person. From the sound of Allen's stories I'd say his response to any question about girls would involve cold baths, vigorous exercise and not thinking about it too much.'
Hitomi laughed as she removed the towel from Serena's shoulders. 'Oh dear - hairsnips everywhere. I don't know how we're going to get rid of this mess. Were vacuum cleaners ever invented in Zaibach?'
'Oh, leave them,' Serena said. 'We can do something about them in the morning. It's ridiculously late. And I think I can sleep now. You've taken a weight off my mind. Literally.' She pointed to her head and grinned.