Chapter Twenty-Three
And then there was a third waking, in grey dawn light, by a tapping on the cabin door. In the bunk above her, Hitomi heard Serena roll over and mutter something irritable-sounding.
'I'll get it,' she said, crawling out of bed. She had gone to sleep in her clothes and they were thoroughly crumpled by now. At least she had a change of clothes with her now, not to mention underwear. Her previous sojourn on Gaea had involved a lot of compromising her usual standards, depending on when she could get any washing done. Sometimes she had even worn her running shorts as underwear just because she couldn't bear to have the same pair of underpants on any more. It had gotten to the point where she envied Meruru for not bothering with knickers.
She opened the door and found Van in the corridor, and immediately wished she had washed her face and brushed her hair before answering.
'Good morning,' he said. There was a kind of light in his face; he looked as though he was anticipating something wonderful. 'Can you come out? I've got something I want to show you.'
'I - I need to get dressed.'
'But you're dressed already,' he said, looking at her clothes in puzzlement. 'Just get a jacket or something on - it's outdoors so you might be cold.'
She didn't want to say no to him, even with no idea what it was about. 'Wait a moment,' she said, and shut the door again.
'I'm going out!' she told Serena as she tugged on a wool cardigan from her bag, and did the best she could with her hair.
'Before the sun is properly up is not a conventional time to call for a young lady,' Serena said drowsily. 'He needs courting lessons.'
'Phooey,' said Hitomi cheerfully. 'I don't mind. Do I look really awful?' Serena raised a tousled head from her pillow and considered her appearance.
'No,' she said. 'You look all glowy and in-love. It's very depressing. But don't mind me. I'm just bitter and twisted.'
'You'll be fine,' Hitomi told her impatiently, and went to join Van. He caught hold of her hand - it was remarkable how easy it was to do that now, and yet it still gave her a little shock of warm electricity.
'Come on,' he said eagerly, and led her along, out of the ship and down the gangway onto the capitol roof, before he said anything more, and what he said then made her heart skip and stutter for a moment.
'I dreamed about you last night.' He smiled at her through a cloud of foggy warm breath; it was a very frosty morning, with a fresh fall of snow everywhere. 'It was the most beautiful dream I've ever had. We were flying together - you had wings too, but not like mine, butterfly wings, rainbow coloured, and the whole world was spread out under us like a map and I knew we could do anything, go anywhere. You were so happy. I'd do anything to make you that happy really.'
'I - I don't know what to say.' An answering smile was stealing across her face. 'I wish I'd had that dream too.'
'I nearly didn't tell you in case you wouldn't like it, but you do, right? Because I've been trying to think how I could make you happy. And the first thing I could think of was to take you flying. If I'm going to have these stupid wings and have people calling me a demon for them all my life, I've got to get some good out of them - and you like them, right? I can sort of - dedicate them to you?'
'Van'
'Come on, say yes!' He was holding both her hands in his. The sun was only just beginning to make the horizon pink, but he was glowing with his own light. 'I've dragged you back here, I've gotten you in trouble probably - if I can do anything that'll please you, you've just got to tell me. If there's anything about me that can make you happy.'
'Everything about you does,' Hitomi managed to say.
'I have never, ever felt like this,' Van said earnestly. 'It's like the dream, like things are possible that I would never have hoped for, and I can actually say these things to you - I feel like an idiot, but I can say them. Let's go flying, Hitomi. I'll take you up high and show you the whole world, and if you want it I'll get it for you. But I'd better get this shirt off first because Meruru will growl at me if I get it all ripped up.' He had undone the top buttons and was hauling the whole thing off over his head before Hitomi could say anything.
'But you'll be cold!' she protested. 'It's freezing out here!' Waves of gooseflesh were already chasing each other over his arms and chest.
'No I won't,' he said cheerfully. 'Here I go!' He bowed his head with the effort of unfurling his wings, and Hitomi suspected that the little grunt she heard was not just of effort, but of some pain. Huge white pinions sprang out from his shoulders, making the snow look dull and dingy with their purity. For a moment he was the centre of a snowstorm of downy feathers, tickling wisps that flew in Hitomi's face and blew in flurries through the icy air. Awe immobilised her. How could anyone think this was demonic? Almost before she knew what was happening he had bent and scooped her up, an arm hooked under her knees and another tightly round her shoulders. She was afraid she would slip, and reflexively flung her arms around his neck.
'Don't worry,' he said, 'I can hold you up. I have done before. But feel free to hang on tight.' There was a bright flush in his cheeks; she didn't know whether to attribute that to the cold or to their closeness. Is this really my Van? I'm literally swept off my feet.
It was a few steps from where they stood to the edge of the roof; he simply sprinted them and leapt out over the parapet. There was a terrible moment when they seemed about to plummet down, and Hitomi gasped and hid her face in his shoulder, but then Van's wings caught the air, with an audible thump and creak, and they were aloft, gliding, held by the air, and somehow the feeling of danger retreated.
'See?' Van said, close by her ear. 'I won't get cold - the exercise will keep me warm, and you will too.'
'Where are we going?'
'Where do you want?'
'That way!' She picked a direction at random and flung out one arm to point, briefly, before she felt how precarious was her position and hooked it back around his neck.
'Right! That way, full speed ahead!' They soared through the air, and Hitomi's head spun with the sheer exhilaration of height and speed. It was like the most wonderful moments of running, when she felt as though she might really break through the bonds of gravity and inertia that held her to the world and become like the wind. It was like the peak of a broad jump when for just an instant she felt that maybe coming down again was optional. It was a greatest-hits compilation of all those fleeting moments, extended and multiplied and going on indefinitely. It was better than her sweetest dreams.
'Going up!' Van warned her, and she could feel the striving of his shoulder muscles as he fought for height, climbing high into the grey sky, surrounded by the howling wind of his own progress. Her eyes filled with tears, partly from the wind and partly from pure joy. The cold air bit at her cheeks and she turned to rest her head on his shoulder once again.
'Are you scared?'
'No! This is wonderful!' They both had to shout to hear each other properly. The air up here was thin and Hitomi began to feel giddy. The whole world seemed to consist of sky; she was hardly aware of the rooftops far below.
'Going down!' It was a long, plunging swallow-swoop, a rollercoaster dive that made them both yell out loud; then Van broke the fall with a strong back-flap and they were gliding upward again, round in a curving, rolling sweep, laughing, gasping.
'You lunatic!' Hitomi cried. 'You could've killed us! Do it again!'
A second dive followed, the wings folded right back and the air screaming around them. But as Van tried to bring them out of the plunge an unexpected gust of wind buffetted him from the side, some malevolent spirit of the air taking exception to groundlings enjoying themselves in the sky. One wing half-buckled and he cried out in pain and alarm, and then they were really falling, and the rooftops were suddenly extremely noticeable and solid-looking. Hitomi did not know whether she screamed or not. She shut her eyes tightly.
But somehow he managed to pull up, to divert the drop into a low, lame glide that brought them to a stumbling, snow-scattering halt on the leaded dome of some large building. It was, blessedly, a very broad dome, its curve quite gradual, and they did not immediately slide down. There was, very near them, a sort of maintenance ladder built into the roof, metal rungs sticking out, and Van managed to skid in that direction and hook one leg around a rung. They scraped to a stop, bruised, the wind knocked out of them.
It took Hitomi a few seconds to be sure that the pressure under her back was simply that of a solid object under her, holding her safely. The pressure on top of her was Van's body, his wings sheltering her, creating a less chilly cave protecting them from the surrounding air. She could feel what promised to be a painful graze all down the side of her right leg, from hip to knee; these tights must be ruined. She could not yet open her eyes; all she could do was lie still and pant while she waited for her heart to stop trying to jump out through her chest. As the circle of her senses gradually widened to encompass more than her own sensations of panic and pain, she realised that Van's heart was pounding equally hard, and she could feel it directly, beating into hers, and their heartbeats were exactly in time.
Her eyes opened, and looked into his, wide with fear and concern.
'Are you all right?' he asked. 'God, I'm sorry.'
'I'm fine,' she said. 'Are you all right?'
'I'll be okay,' he assured her. 'I need to catch my breath, that's all. Damn it - that was stupid! Make you happy? Make you dead, more like it. I should never have' He faded out, and she saw despair and self-disgust in his eyes. The synchronisation of their hearts was failing, the beats blurring apart in slightly different rhythms. In any case, she could no longer feel it as he hoisted himself up on his elbows, trying not to squash her.
'But I told you to,' she protested. 'And it was wonderful until it went wrong, and I don't think that was even your fault. It was just the wind. And we're okay! Don't get all upset about it. You saved my life.'
'It doesn't count when I put your life in danger in the first place,' he said wretchedly. 'I always do that. You would be so much safer if you'd never even met me. And I try to give you a treat and it turns into a near-death experience. I should have remembered what Mother said. These dumb wings just bring sadness.'
'Don't you dare say that,' Hitomi protested. She risked a look around and found that with a little effort she could lever herself into a position where she could lean on another rung of the ladder, letting Van get into a more secure position himself, still shielding her with the arch of his body. She braced herself against the hump of the dome and got ready to speak her mind.
'I think your mother was absolutely horrible to talk to you like that,' she said heatedly, to his obvious surprise. 'Making a little boy feel guilty about something he couldn't even help. And the only time I ever met her she tried to put a guilt trip on me too. And she was wrong, too - or at least she was only half right, and my grandmother told me the rest of it, the good side. I know you love her, but she was very wrong about a lot of things if you ask me.'
'I - I don't think I like you saying that,' Van said, looking troubled, if not yet angry. 'You've got no right.'
'I'm on your side though,' Hitomi said. 'She hurt you! I don't want anyone to hurt you. I think about how lonely and confused you must always have been, and it makes me furious! And you try so hard to be brave, and you always blame yourself and take all the responsibility, and it isn't fair at all. You're only fifteen and sometimes you should be irresponsible and it just shouldn't matter.'
'I can't,' Van said sorrowfully. 'You know I can't. The whole of Fanelia is depending on me. It all comes down to me. And I want them to be able to rely on me; I want to take care of them. Someone should.'
'Well, someone should take care of you,' she retorted. 'And you'll just have to put up with me trying, because there's no way I can leave you alone now. You do make me happy. But if you don't let me try to make you happy I'll be really angry with you.'
When she began that speech, Van looked so startled that she thought he might lose his grip on the dome and fall, but at the last words he seemed to relax, and almost to smile.
'Will you haul off and smack me again?' he asked.
'Yes, probably, if that's the only way to knock some sense into you.'
'I thought you didn't want anyone to hurt me.'
'Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind,' Hitomi protested. He's teasing me. Thank goodness he knows how.
'What if I don't survive all this violence?' he asked, very mock-innocent. 'Am I going to have to put up with a lot of injuries?'
'Possibly,' said Hitomi, 'but I'll always kiss you better.' Which led to the second kiss, which was somewhat awkward since she was on the rung above him, but no less enjoyable for all that. I started it that time! I suppose both of us have gotten bolder. It's so much easier to be like this! As long as - well, I don't think he thinks that way, I don't think he would look at it as an invitation
'I don't think I need to worry about you being able to stand up to me,' Van said. 'Are you always going to be this nice and bossy?'
'Well, no,' Hitomi admitted. 'I'm only managing it now because of the adrenalin. I'll probably get quite meek again when it wears off.'
'The what?'
'You know, how you feel when you're in danger, or you've been in danger. It makes you ready for - what's that phrase - fight or flight.'
'Do you think we really had a fight?'
'Oh, no. But do you think you can manage flight again? Or do we have to climb down and walk back? Because I don't think I can find the way - I've completely lost track of which way home is from here.' She looked up at the wing that had bent back so alarmingly, and risked raising a hand to touch the feathers gently.
'It's all right,' Van assured her. 'It was just like twisting your ankle, hurts for a moment but not a real sprain. I can get us back to the capitol. This was an incredibly silly thing to try.'
'But it was also incredibly nice,' Hitomi said. 'Don't you forget that.'
'Promise,' Van said, hesitantly, 'even when you're not feeling quite as fierce as this, will you promise that you'll always tell me the truth, you'll tell me what you really think? I think I need to listen to you a lot more.'
'Of course I promise. If you promise you will listen.'
'Yes, I do.' Rather quickly, he kissed her again; he found he had to do it quickly so that he didn't have time to get nervous. She seemed a little more certain than he was about these things. Perhaps, he thought, she had had more practise. That wasn't a reassuring thought.
'Number three,' she said. 'I think I've chosen the strangest possible place for my second and third kisses ever.'
'Third and fourth, don't you mean?' Van said.
'What do you mean?'
'Well... Allen'
'No,' Hitomi said briskly, 'I don't count him. It was all a big mistake; it wasn't really real. I'll always feel that you gave me my first proper kiss.'
'Seriously?'
'Yes.'
'You really like me that much better than him?'
'Of course I do, if I'd liked him better why would I be here now?'
'I don't know, I'd just always thought I mean, aren't you sort of settling for me?'
'Oh, for goodness' sake. If you keep saying things like that I will have to slap you. Let's just go home. It's freezing up here - and you are cold, whatever you say, I can see you shivering.'
'All right. You know best.'
The sun was coming up; there were snowflakes and angel feathers caught in their hair.
When Hitomi returned to the cabin, Serena, who was just getting into her waistcoat, stared at her rather.
'Skirt ripped all the way up one side. Feathers in hair. Big smile on face. Trying really hard not to leap to a dirty conclusion,' she said.
'Oh, don't be foul,' Hitomi said cheerfully. 'It's a beautiful day out there. I feel really sure things are going to get better.'
'Did you have a vision? I've heard about you and visions.'
'No I haven't had one for a long time. To be honest, I don't miss them. They were nearly always terrifying and I usually couldn't tell what they meant until nearly too late. I just have a very nice feeling at the moment.' She picked a bit of down out of her hair and flicked it on the floor. 'We'll have to do something about that floor - it's quite disgusting.'
'I did sweep most of it up,' Serena said, 'the long bits you cut off at first, anyway. It's the little snippets that are hard to get. So if nothing wicked happened, what on earth happened to your skirt? And your leg's all messed up down the side.'
'Crash-landing,' Hitomi said. 'It looks messy but it's not too bad.' She took a look at it. 'Euw,' she said. 'It looks gross. I'd better get that cleaned up.'
'Crash-landing?'
'We went flying!' Hitomi exclaimed, and fluttered her arms to show what she meant. 'He's so sweet once he loosens up and calms down a bit. I just - if I can make him see that there's a time when it's all right to have fun - well, I feel as though I can help him, and' She lost control of the sentence, her hands clasped under her chin and her eyes shining.
'Look at you,' Serena said. 'Full of dreams. Lucky girl.'
Gadeth woke late in a narrow bed that nevertheless felt too big and too empty. He knew as soon as he opened his eyes that he was in an ugly, pathetic mood, and needed to whine a little, if only to himself. I wish we'd never come here. We had it so good in our little house by the sea. It would have been just as easy for me to get an early discharge, we could have talked the Boss round. Right now I could be waking up with her curled up round me, all warm and soft and drowsy, and a whole day ahead of us with nothing to do actually, it'd be cold and miserable there at this time of year, storms and waves bashing the beach in, you'd know it was a nice day because there was rain instead of snow and sleet so heavy blankets and hot drinks and a good excuse to stay in bed all day keeping each other warm. Why did she have to be so stubborn? And why does she keep going when I can see it's making her miserable, and why won't she listen to me when I tell her?
He raised his arm and looked at the new wristwatch. 'Jeez!' Unless it was telling the wrong time, and he wasn't sure he'd set it right, not being able to read the instructions in the little book that came with it, he was going to have to hurry and still wouldn't have time for breakfast. She'd left it on the bed for him, as though it compensated for anything. And it was a marvellous thing, of course, the kind of thing she found fascinating, with a little half-circle on the dial past which a golden sun and moon cycled. She was always trying to share things she liked with him, and at the same time wanting to share everything that was his. Mostly that was sweet. There was nothing more adorable, more desirable than Serena in one of his shirts, sleeves rolled up loosely and shirt-tails trailing around her bare thighs. I really shouldn't think about things like that first thing in the morning when I probably won't get to touch her all day or all night after that just get here, Boss, come and fix things up, because if I'm this lonely already I'm going to lose it completely.