My Shadow's Ghost
~ Chapter 1 ~
"Mommy, Mommy! Lookie! I got a gold star today at school," I run up to her, holding a piece of paper with a shiny sticker attached to it. Although, the reaction that I hoped to get out of her is a bit different than what actually appears on her face.
" That's great honey, now be a good boy and go to your room," I just nod and all the spirit and excitement within me dies. I know why she's in a bitter mood though. I've seen this side of her before, many many times- she gets all weird and mean when she gets into those nasty fights with dad. They usually happen during the day when I'm not home- over the phone since dad is what mom likes to call a 'workaholic' and he's almost never home- I only see the result, which is always the same: an irritated and grumpy mother. I wish they didn't fight so much cause everyone gets hurt- well, almost everyone: Dad comes home later than usual, according to mom, who stays up half the night waiting for him even though she's mad at him, Mom becomes all moody, and all those things put together make me so angry I just want to scream from the top of my lungs. TK should consider himself lucky- he's too young to know what's going on, and who am I to ruin his childhood? Who am I to take away the happiness of the only cheerful member of the family?
I go to my room to face another obstacle, which branches off from my first problem. I can't find my way around my own bedroom because mom's too depressed to clean it up. So, I try my best to get through the different piles of clothing and toys, and eventually, make it to my bed. I decide to lie down for a while, and before I know it, tears are flowing down my cheeks.
* * *
I wake up in the afternoon and head for the washroom. To my surprise, Dad's in there and as soon as he sees me, his face turns bright red, he pushed me out of the bathroom, and slams the door in my face. Not only that, but he begins to yell at me, and since I've just been knocked down to the ground and yoo helpless to get up, I just sit there, frozen because of all the fear that has just suddenly rushed over me. I can't move and because of that, I can hear his voice, coming from behind the door, loud and clear,
" What the hell is your problem? Do you like to watch me s***? What? Does it smell nice? Do you enjoy seeing me while I'm s***ing? Get the hell out of here!" My azure eyes fill up with crystal tears and I guess there's no use telling him that it was an accident, that I needed to go too, and that I promise to never go when he's in there again. I'm still too afraid to move, it's like every muscle in my body is numb- I suddenly hear footsteps, and I know Mom's coming. She sees me crying and pulls me into her arms. I feel safe in there and never want to leave the comfort of being wrapped up in her arms.
" Don't scream at him like that! He's only a child! He didn't know you were home, and don't you dare use that language with my son! What kind of example do you think you're setting for your children? Especially when you're already such a horrible father! You never spend time with the kids you workaholic! Aren't your children important to you?" She releases me from her arms as continues to argue with Dad who is now out of the bathroom. I can't stand to hear them fight anymore, but I feel guilty being the person who started this fight, being the reason for this argument- for creating something that could have been avoided. I run to my room and trip over the clothes that are on the floor. I cry even harder- could this day get any worse? I rest my head on my bed, my knees bent under me, cold tears flowing down my cheeks, cooling down my burning face until I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see a toddler, my three year old brother Takeru, standing before me.
" Why you cwying Mamtoe?" he says in his innocent baby voice that makes me wish he was a few years older so he could understand.
" You wouldn't understand TK- you're too young," and I turn away from the one person that I can actually turn to. I face the window that stands beside my bed and look at the rainy weather. I can feel the resemblance of the weather to myself- cold and rainy- but suddenly, I feel two tiny arms wrapped around me. I turn back around to return the gesture by holding him tight in my arms.
" You wook wike yow waining-" and he points to my window. " Maybe if you smiwe, the sun come out!" I sit there, completely amazed at the thing that my brother has just picked up on- he's a smart boy and I know that he'll be there when I need him. I squeeze his small and fragile body in my arms and pull him closer, and whisper into his ears,
" Thanks for being my brother TK," and he moves his face towards my ear to whisper something back,
" I'll be yoe bwathew as wong as you pwomise to be mine," I feel his breath on my skin- so warm and comforting- I can't let go of him just yet. I just realize that my tears have all dried up even though it's still raining outside. I feel TK pulling away from me and he looks me in the eye with those big cerulean eyes. He kind of reminds me of myself when I was his age- the blond hair and blue eyes- the only difference is, he has a big brother and I don't.
" I'm gonna get my dinnew, otay?" I just nod and watch as he awkwardly walks out of my room. At least someone in this family is happy.
* * *
I don't know what time it is, but I know it's late and way passed my bedtime. I feel this sudden ache in my stomach so I get out of bed and head for my parents' bedroom. I see a light beaming through the little space between my parents' bedroom door and wall. I can hear them talking and decide to wait till they're finished- meanwhile, I wait outside and listen to their conversation.
" I want a divorce- I'm sick and tired of arguing- I know it's going to hurt the kids- but we just can't go on like this- " as soon as I hear that, I forget about the pain in my stomach and I feel a new kind of pain- my whole heart and soul is aching cause I remember my friends at school talking about their parents' divorce- I don't consider myself an expert on the subject, but I know what it is and I know I don't want it to happen. I decide to leave my parents alone, I can't go in there cause I know that as soon as I do and look them in the eye, I'm going to start crying again, and I don't want that to happen.