"Both Hands"
A Vision of Escaflowne Songfic by Kit
[Song: "Both Hands" by Ani DiFranco]
The fic takes place five years after the end of the Escaflowne TV series. They never really explain
the way time flows on Gaea as compared to Earth, but for the purposes of my story, I'm going to
assume that five years on Earth equals five years on Gaea.
Insert standard disclaimer [HERE]
All comments, criticism, flames, socks, and Pocky should be directed to me at acalliope@aol.com.
At some point, this will appear on my website. Nyah. Fanart is also welcome. Do not post this
story anywhere without my express permission. It's never a good idea to rouse my ire. I bite.
Hard. Of course, some people get off on that . . .
Oh, and I'd better insert a mild citrusy (Lemon? Lime? Somewhere in between?) warning here.
There is sex involved with this story. It's not graphic. Heck, it's pretty darn vague, in my opinion.
If the idea of two people doing things like that offends you, then you probably shouldn't read this.
I am walking out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan of the dialtone again
And I am getting no where with you
And I can't let it go, and I can't get through
Her eyes glowed, that warm hazel-green that I'd learned to love like nothing else, and raindrops glistened like tears on her trembling lashes. Her lips curled into that familiar half-smile, so sweetly maddening. She knew I was there. Knew I was Watching her, Watching over her. I realized for the thousandth time that she was beautiful, and even after five years I missed her, missed her like a lost limb. Her absence was a hollow emptiness in my heart, and even our link wasn't enough to make up for it. I wanted her back. I needed her back.
It wasn't like my life was entirely empty. I was busy at all hours of the day, making decisions, helping out, generally doing kingly sorts of things. The reconstruction of my country, of Fanelia, was moving at a steady pace now that most of the survivors had returned. The capital city was almost completely rebuilt, though we still housed a few dozen homeless families in the palace grounds. We even had a fairly steady stream of immigrants recently, most of them Zaibach refugees. Fanelia didn't really need me half the time, but she needed her king, and I was the one left for the duty. I suddenly missed my brother, missed Folken, but the pang of pain was bearable. I'd had a lot of time to grow accustomed to his absence. Just like Hitomi. At least with Hitomi, I could still Watch her, could still close my eyes and see her sweet face, could follow her movements, be a part of her life, even if I wanted more, as I undoubtably did. I continued to Watch her.
I could almost hear her curse her own stupidity for forgetting to bring an umbrella to work. She had only her thin coat to keep out the rain and her hair was already soaked and plastered to her scalp. If it had been anyone other than Hitomi, I'd have said they looked like a half-drowned kitten, but this was Hitomi, and I thought she was beautiful beyond words. Again she smiled as she caught that wisp of thought. Her step quickened and she swung her handbag cheerily. I loved how I could make her smile and laugh, even if I couldn't be with her, couldn't touch her, smell her . . .
A gentle touch to my forehead brought me out of my trance, the trance that allowed me to Watch Hitomi, beyond the boundaries of Gaia and the Phantom Moon. It was Merle, sweet, loving Merle, and she had that sympathetic, slightly bitter smile on her face that tore at my heart. After all the years, her love for me only grew stronger, while I still loved her only as a friend, my dearest, oldest friend, my surrogate sister, not the lover I knew she still half-longed for. I took her hand in mine and gave it a quick squeeze. "What is it, Merle?"
"You were Watching her again, weren't you?" she said softly. It wasn't really a question. And I didn't answer, though my eyes instinctively sought out the familiar curve of the rising Phantom Moon, visible through my window, where it bathed the skyline of Fanelia in it's soft, reflected light. Hitomi had told me once that the light we saw from the moon was merely the reflection of hidden sunlight. Hitomi.
"Van-sama," Merle sighed, crouching gracefully at my feet, resting her arms and head on my knees. "The council is worried. I'm worried. You've been even more distant than usual lately." Her wide, exotically-slanted eyes were serious. "You know they're sending another princess next week. Someday -- someday soon -- they'll force you to pick one to be your queen. It won't really matter who. Fanelia needs an heir."
"I know, I know," I muttered, idly scratching behind Merle's ear, inciting contented purring. "I suppose I should know my duty to my country and to my people. It's just that I . . . I mean, I . . ."
"You love Hitomi," finished Merle, her voice barely audible. "I know. I always knew." She clutched at the material of my pants, trying to keep the tears from spilling over. I've always hated how much pain she endures for my sake. She's always been there for me.
My eyes misted as well and I choked back a sob. In one swift movement I slid down to the floor next to Merle and pulled her into my arms, holding her as she cried, as I cried. "Merle, what am I going to do?"
The question hung in the air between us, stretching the silence uncomfortably until she murmured an answer, her voice soft, yet the words struck me to the core. "You have to bring her back. Or go to her. You can't keep this up, Van. It's like you're missing half of yourself." She paused and pulled away from me a little, her hand on my chin forcing me to meet her gaze. "She . . . she's the same way -- incomplete -- isn't she?" I didn't reply. There wasn't anything to say.
The knock on the door was a welcome interruption, as was the light baritone as it called out hesitantly. "Merle-san? Are you in here?" The door opened a crack and a silver-blue-haired head poked into view: Garred, one of Merle's more persistent admirers. His feline ears twitched, half in surprise, half in jealousy, as he spotted Merle in my arms. "Merle-san?" he repeated, managing to keep his voice steady despite the emotions I could see clearly playing across his handsome face. He was much like Merle in that way. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but the housekeeper needs your approval on the accommodations for the coming princess. She said it was urgent." He certainly didn't look sorry to interrupt, but I managed to suppress my grin at his expression of satisfaction at pulling Merle away from me, who he undoubtedly viewed as his greatest rival.
Merle chose to ignore the young cat-man for the moment, instead choosing to fix me with one of her penetrating stares. "I think I ought to go, Van-sama. Will you be alright by yourself?" You'd better not do something stupid, was her unspoken statement.
I smiled in what I hoped was a suitably cheerful manner and helped her to her feet. "Of course, Merle. I'll be fine. I think I'll go walk out in the gardens for a while. A bit of fresh air ought to do the trick."
Merle nodded slowly, still giving me a Look, and then finally decided to notice Garred in the doorway. Garred earned himself a glare. I felt a little sorry for the young man, since it was clear that Merle would be giving him a piece of her mind once she got him alone. Merle brushed past him and sashayed out into the hallway, Garred's gaze following her like a magnet to iron. It was easy to see what attracted the gaggle of courtiers that seemed to hover around the young cat-girl. No, not cat-girl, she was a cat-woman now, however hard is was for me to see that sometimes. She'd filled out and grown into her gawky length, and now as I watched Garred eye her enticingly swaying hips and gently twitching tail, I began to suspect that she wasn't quite so indifferent to Garred's attentions as I'd previously thought.
The pair of them were soon gone and my room was quiet. I eventually decided to make good on my walk-in-the-garden idea. The sky was overcast, I noted from my window, and more clouds were scudding in by the moment, slowly obscuring the moons, but it didn't look terribly threatening yet. I slipped quietly out of the palace through one of the side passageways and ambled along the gravel-lined paths of the formal gardens. They were lovely, in a controlled, manicured sort of way, but I wasn't really noticing tonight. I soon found a vacant stone bench and settled in for a good sulk . . . er . . . brood. Yes, brooding sounded better. I certainly had enough to brood about.
It wasn't long before my mind turned back to Hitomi. She was never far away from my
thoughts. Sometimes it was a torment, but tonight it was a comfort. I was lonely, that windy,
cloudy evening, and even the simple thought of Hitomi was enough. Without conscious thought,
my mind reached out to hers, my body slipping into the somnolent trance. I reached . . .
And the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door, on the first floor
She's listening through the air shaft
To see how long our swan-song can last
I sighed as I felt him leave. It always hurt a little when he stopped Watching, though I always knew he'd be back. I even knew that if I wanted, I could reach out to him and Watch him but there was something thrilling and comfortable about having him Watch me, even if I was just walking home from work in the rain. Damn the weather.
I wiped more rain from my eyes, peering into the twilight gloom, searching for my apartment building. Two more blocks. And Van was still not Watching. Another sigh. I felt pretty pitiful, but then had to laugh. Here I was, a talented young woman, with the world before her, open from horizon to horizon, and I was pining over a man who I hadn't actually seen in five years and couldn't tell anyone about since I'd probably be committed to a mental ward for the telling.
But, oh, how I longed for the tell-tale signs of his Watching. The chilly tingling between my shoulder blades and the goosebumps on my arm, then the less physical sensation of almost overwhelming joy. His. Mine. Ours. I knew I made a couple of the regulars nervous, at the kissaten where I worked, since I would occasionally smile -- no, more like beam -- for no apparent reason, out of the blue. It probably did look a little odd. I guess I'm a little odd. I mean, I held off on college after I graduated from high school, despite my high exam scores, realizing that I wasn't ready, didn't have the motivation. But there wasn't anything holding me at home either, so I found work and a temporary apartment, and settled down to rethink my life.
When I had talked to Van about it, months ago after graduation, he'd told me to give college a try, but I still said no. I needed more time. Van's gentle admonishment made me feel a little inadequate. Here he was, trying to rebuild his beloved homeland from the ashes of war and I was sitting on my backside whining about 'not being ready'. But it was true. And I missed Van. A lot.
One more block. The rain was letting up, which was nice, since there was a trickle of icy water slowly making its way past the collar of my coat, down my neck and spine to soak into my blouse and skirt. I could really use a shower. A nice, hot shower, with lots of steam, and then a good soak in the furo I shared with three other girls on my floor. I wondered if I'd have the furo to myself tonight. I wondered if Van would Watch me again.
My shiver of anticipation turned into a shiver from the chill, and I quickly ducked into the lobby of my building. I shook my umbrella out and waited for the elevator. It was up at the twenty-third floor. I tried to smooth most of the water from my hair with my hands. It kind of worked. Twenty-second floor. I tapped my foot. Twenty-first floor. I discovered that I was far too impatient, wet and cold to wait for the ancient lift to arrive, so I headed for the stairwell. It was only eight floors up anyhow. I didn't run track anymore, but I was still in decent shape.
I was panting slightly when I reached my floor and fumbled a bit with the key. Stupid lock. Then with a weary smile, I closed and locked the door behind me. Tadaima. My cat, Kinu, greeted me with his usual display of ecstatic indifference, carefully dodging my drips. With a happy, contented sigh, I headed for the shower, shedding my soaked clothes as I went, leaving behind a trail of sopping garments that Kinu would certainly investigate and pronounce unfit to grace his floor. I couldn't work up the energy to care about the mess.
The water was as hot as I could have hoped and I luxuriated in it. This was one of those times when indoor plumbing seemed almost sinfully wonderful, something I'd missed sometimes when I'd been on Gaia. Water sheeted over my bare skin while steam billowed past my face. Again I thought of Van, and the time I'd accidentally Watched him in the shower a few months ago. He'd known I was spying, of course, just as I can always feel it when he Watches me, but the only reaction he had was a faint blush. So I continued to Watch. And Watch. And Watch. He was so beautiful, tall and lean and strong, less of the boy I knew and more of the man I'd only seen in my dreams. He had a few more scars, a little heavier muscle, but he was still my Van. His hair was still a little unkempt, ragged enough that my fingers itched to tidy it. I couldn't, of course, but I let him sense my desire. He laughed and smiled, and I felt myself laughing and smiling back.
I found myself hoping that Van would Watch me in the shower. Somehow, he'd always managed to avoid catching me in awkward places, like on the toilet, or at the doctor's, and I wondered how he did it. Then again, I never caught him anywhere more awkward than his shower. Sometimes I didn't know whether to feel relieved or a little cheated.
I soon noticed that the pads of my fingers were beginning to wrinkle from the water, and I decided that I'd steamed long enough. After shutting off the water, I stepped out and wrapped a towel around my torso and another around my head, then ambled towards the kitchen. The furo seemed a little less appealing now that I was completely waterlogged and my stomach was rumbling insistently. I was a bit low on food, and had to make do with an old orange and a small box of Pocky. I probably should have pulled clothing back on and headed for the market, but I was truly exhausted, physically and emotionally, and I needed the rest. Besides, tomorrow was my morning off, so I'd have plenty of time for shopping. The Pocky was devoured in record time, but I savored the orange a little longer. As I lounged against the kitchen counter in my towel, I found myself still hoping that Van would go back to Watching me.
The little red light on the answering machine was blinking at me balefully, so I pushed the playback button and listened to my messages, still idly sucking on the last of the orange. One message from my mother. I was invited to dinner at home, and she was making my favorite: oden. I sighed wearily. As much as I loved my family, they were still trying to hold onto me too tightly. Especially my mother. I knew she worried about me, I even think that she suspected the true reason for my withdrawal. I knew she had always had her suspicions about Gaia, though I'd never told her many of the details. I tried to set her fears and worries to rest, but it was difficult balancing my life as her daughter and my life as my own woman.
The next message was a pleasant surprise. It was Yukari, my oldest and truest friend, even though I hadn't actually seen her in over a year. She'd moved to America a little over a year ago, to study. I'd asked her whether Amano-sempai's presence at the university there had been any motivator for her and she'd simply blushed. We still talked occasionally, but emailed more frequently, since the phone bills were outrageously exorbitant. I giggled as I listened to the message. Apparently, Amano had finally worked up the courage to pop her the question and the two were busily trying to set a date for the wedding. Yukari said I was the first she called, and I felt a warmth in the pit of my stomach. I'd certainly miss Yukari if I ever made it back to Gaia.
Whoa, I thought, suddenly shocked by my own train of thought. What am I thinking? It's impossible to return to Gaia. And even if it was possible, could I truly leave my friends, my family, my planet, even? The answer was sudden, sharp and clear, like a shard of glass in my mind: I could, I would. I wanted to return. I suddenly realized that I'd been unconsciously and slowly distancing myself from my life here on the Phantom Moon, here on Earth, as though I was preparing to leave the planet of my birth. Am I? I wondered silently.
The answering machine beeped its harsh ending note and automatically rewound, startling me from my rather disturbing musings. I really need to calm down, I thought, clutching the towel closer to my still-damp skin and walking into my bedroom. It's bad enough that I'm in love with what would certainly be classified as a 'hallucination' by modern medical standards. Now I'm considering returning to that hallucinatory world and living there. Geez. I sat down heavily on the bed, suddenly too weary to bother digging out some clean clothes, and listened to the ancient bedsprings screech out their disapproval. My brother had joked that I was getting fat, but in truth I'd simply filled out, finished growing up. I'll miss that brat of a little brother.
I reclined on the bed, my wet hair fanning out around my head. A damp spot was slowly
spreading along my bedspread from my hair, but I didn't really care. I closed my eyes and
decided that if Van wasn't going to Watch me, I'd Watch him. Maybe I'd get lucky and catch
him in the shower again. I closed my eyes and reached . . .
And both hands, now use both hands
Oh, now don't close your eyes
I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried . . .
How hard we tried . . .
A shower of sparks, as if thrown by colliding stars, greeted a startled Van when he reached out with his mind and soul to try and contact Hitomi, who had simultaneously reached for him. He let out a startled yelp and fell off of his stone bench in surprise. For a moment there, he'd not only seen Hitomi, but he'd felt her. Almost touched her. He blinked his eyes open in shock, but quickly closed them again, seeking that near-electric contact. The young king's breathing grew ragged as he found Hitomi once more.
Hitomi, to her credit, hadn't fallen off her bed, but she had sat bolt upright. It felt like she suddenly had 10,000 volts of pure, raw electricity flowing through her body, making her hair stand on end, making her gasp for breath. It was Van, she knew it was him. For an instant, she'd seen him, as usual, and then he'd been there. With her. In her room, on her bed. And she'd been on Gaea with him, in the garden smelling green and herbal. She sat up straighter, heedless of her towel, which had slipped down to loosely drape around her waist. "Van?" she whispered, her voice tremulous, full of fear and hope and love.
"Hitomi!" choked out Van as he scrambled to his feet. "What's going -- erk!" Van cut himself off short as a small compliment of his guards trotted around the corner of the tall hedge and into view.
"Your Majesty." The lieutenant snapped out a crisp salute. "Is everything alright, sir? We heard your shout . . ." The slightly confused man trailed off, unsure of himself. He'd expected to come upon his king fighting off an intruder, or at least having trouble with one of the royal hounds. Instead he found his lord and sovereign standing, wild-eyed in the middle of the formal gardens, shouting someone's name.
"I-It's nothing," Van managed to get out through chattering teeth. He still felt like he had a small tornado whirling through his skull. "I dozed off and then woke up. That's all. Er. I think I'll go back to my room." Without awaiting a response from the bewildered guard, Van bolted for the safety and privacy of his own bedroom.
Hitomi watched raptly throughout the exchange, ignoring the guards, for the most part, instead fascinated by how wonderful Van smelled, like trees and sweat and some sort of subtle spice. It was something she hadn't noticed during her stay on Gaea, but it affected her deeply now, as she raced alongside Van as he dashed for his room. And at the same time, he was there with her in her room, his body golden and lovely, bright like the morning star. She was still having difficulty breathing.
Van slammed the door to his bedroom shut behind him and locked it. It would probably be bad if any of the maids, or Merle, heaven forbid, should come upon him, ranting and babbling to an empty room. Once the room was secure, he flung himself down on his bed, face up, and stared at the impressively-molded ceiling above his bed. He could even see Hitomi with his eyes open. She smiled at him and held her hand out, lightly brushing her thumb along his cheekbone. And he felt it. Actually felt it, his skin tingling in response. Hitomi's smile became brilliant and Van suddenly noticed that she was wearing nothing but a towel, and even the towel was bunched up in her lap. He stared, feeling his face grow hot.
"Breathe, Van," murmured Hitomi after a long while, her smile still in place, though her face was as rosy as Van's. Her eyes, however, glinted in appreciation. She liked the way he looked at her, liked the way his eyes lingered on the smooth skin of her torso before settling upon her face. Again she reached out to touch his face, her fingers tracing his lips before drifting down to cup his cheek. "How is this possible?" she finally whispered, her eyes wide in awe. "I can touch you, Van. You're here with me. Or am I there with you? It's so hard to tell right now. You're all golden and bright . . ." She suddenly glanced down at herself and yelped. "I'm glowing too!" she cried, startled.
Van couldn't help it. He began to laugh, the sound rich and resonant, and something Hitomi hadn't realized she'd missed. "Do you really care how, Hitomi? And anyway, haven't I always said that you shine brighter than the stars? It's true now, ne?" He brought his hand up and placed it over hers on his cheek, gently threading his fingers between hers and pressing her hand against his skin, reveling in the simple sensations.
Hitomi suddenly gave into her initial impulse and leaned in to Van, pulling his head down with her free hand, and kissing him. Van met her half-way, his lips already slightly parted, eyes closed expectantly. What was at first shy and tentative gradually gained strength and courage, and Van finally wound his arms around Hitomi's back while she tangled her fingers in his wild hair.
The two golden forms drifted close, closer, until it was nearly impossible to tell where one began and the other ended. The two were awash with simple, intoxicating sensations: her teeth scraping gently against his lower lip, his hands tracing her vertebrae, her fingers pulling at the nape of his neck to bring him yet closer, his weight inexorably pushing her back against her cotton comforter, against his silken bedspread. Her damp towel somehow disappeared during the exchange, as did Van's clothing. They would later locate Van's clothing behind the cherry wardrobe in Hitomi's apartment, but they never did find Hitomi's towel. It didn't really matter.
Together they learned how to touch and feel, something neither had really thought would ever be possible. Not a word was spoken, but they understood each other perfectly. Van seemed to instinctively know that Hitomi would gasp when he kissed and nuzzled the hollows of her throat. Hitomi's hands learned that the smooth planes of Van's chest were surprisingly soft to the touch, and she delighted in the way she could make him tremble with such a simple caress.
When they finally came together, his shout echoing through the dark vacuum between the
Phantom Moon and Gaea, her tears of joy silent but no less profound, the golden light that bathed
them suddenly shimmered, shot through with molten silver like the moon on breeze-ruffled water.
Their souls, like their minds and bodies, melded and joined, and for that single, perfect moment,
there was nothing between them, not human fallacy, human weakness, not even a million miles of
empty space.
A flash of silver-shot gold illuminated the Gaean countryside, the light settling over Fanelia like warm honey before slowly fading. Merle watched from her warm vantage-point, firmly ensconced in Garred's arms, perched atop the palace roof. He was drifting off to sleep, but awoke a little as he felt the young cat-woman stiffen in his tentative embrace.
"What is it, Merle?" he asked in his smooth, rich voice. Then he saw the light as well. He also saw the flash of light reflected in Merle's eyes, which were suddenly spilling over with tears. "Is it His Majesty?" Garred hazarded a guess, trying to keep the jealousy from his voice. Would he ever have that kind of effect on Merle? Would she ever look that way for him?
Merle nodded and quickly brushed her tears away. She resolutely turned her face away
from the fading glow, snuggling back into the comfort of her friend's arms. "Van's found
Hitomi," Merle explained simply before nodding off to sleep.
And I am watching your chest rise and fall
Like the tides of my life and the rest of it all
And your bones have been my bedframe
And your flesh has been my pillow
I've been waiting for sleep to offer up the deep
With both hands . . .
Oh, with both hands . . .
I awoke to what was quite possibly the most incredible sound I'd ever heard: a heartbeat. Not just any heartbeat, his heartbeat. Van's heartbeat, and it was right beneath my ear. The slight movement I made in waking was enough to make him stir slightly, his breath sighing through his mouth, his eyes twitching a little beneath the fine skin of his lids, his arms tightening around my shoulders and waist. As I lay there, drifting in that golden twilight between sleep and wakefulness, I realized that I'd never been happier in my life.
Never happier, except perhaps last night . . .
I blushed as the memories washed over me, the heat rising to my face, warmth drifting down my body. I decided to keep my eyes closed, since I didn't really want to watch Van disappear, as I'd been half-expecting him to do since we first touched last night. I still had no idea what had happened, but I knew we could make it happen again. It had been like we'd suddenly grabbed both ends of a lifeline, and the contact was suddenly two-ways. I'd refrained from thinking it through the night before, since I'd been a little . . . uh . . . busy, but right now, as I lay in Van's arms, I realized that we could now be together, and I knew without discussing it with him, that I'd end up on Gaea.
There wasn't much question that Van couldn't leave Fanelia. Fanelia needed her king more than my kissaten needed me, more than Yukari and my mother needed me. So I would go to him. I would return to that other blue-green planet, Earth's invisible twin, and I would be happy. I could help Van, even if I didn't use my so-called powers. My fortune-telling days were over. I had stuck with that decision for the past five years and I wasn't about to waver now.
My thoughts were cut short as I felt, rather than heard, Van's breathing alter, his heartbeat quicken, and I knew instinctively that he was waking up. A breathless moment later, he brought his hand up to stroke my hair, his touch gentle and full of wonder. I knew that he had been half-expecting me to vanish, as well.
I opened my eyes and shifted to look at him, rolling over so I was lying half on his bare chest, my legs curled around his. "Good morning," I murmured, falling back on the automatic response. His lean form was still limned in golden light, but the silver sparks we'd seen the night before were conspicuously absent. His face, soft with sleep, slowly blossomed into a contented smile.
"'Morning, Hitomi," he mumbled back, stifling a yawn. I could tell by the way his eyes slid over my face and shoulders and breasts that he was noticing my own golden glow. Was it a side effect of our contact, or was it simply the way we saw each other over our mental link? "You've got a comfy bed, you know," he added absently, his eyes drifting closed once more, though he held off on the sleep.
I laughed and lightly tickled his ribs, a spot I'd located last night. "You're sleeping in your own bed, silly. Or at least I think so." I decided not to pursue that thought, instead resting my cheek against the warm flesh over his sternum.
"Oh," he said, sounding a little sheepish, though it was hard to tell.
I happened to glance over at my night stand, which was more difficult than it sounded, since my night stand seemed to share space with a small wooden chest that sat to one side of Van's bed. It was a slightly bewildering sight, but I concentrated, and suddenly realized that it was mid-afternoon and I was late for work by about an hour. I growled out a string of mild profanity and pushed myself into an upright position, fumbling for my robe, which usually hung by my bed but was missing. Not a surprising development since I could clearly see the furniture of Van's bedroom, foggy and ghostly, overlaid atop my own inexpensive furnishings.
Van protested mildly when I stumbled out of bed and then watched me with hooded eyes as I dashed around the room searching for clothing. I dressed as slowly as I dared, loving the way Van was watching me, wishing I could jump back into bed next to him. For a moment, I was tempted to do just that, but knew that I could be with him whenever I wanted. Now was the time for action. There were things I needed to do. After running a brush through my disheveled hair, I padded back over to the bed and bent down to kiss Van on the forehead.
"I need to go to work, love, and you should probably get up too before the people at the palace break down the door." I grinned, knowing that I wasn't alone in hearing the worried voices outside of Van's bedroom.
"I suppose you're right," sighed Van, sitting up and stretching languorously, the sheets pooling around his waist. He gave me one of those beautiful, sleepy smiles. "I guess I'll just Watch you for a while and then you can . . . well . . ."
"Yes, I'll be there, I just need to deal with a few things around here first." I bent over him once more and kissed him again, the contact lingering this time, my fingers tracing the familiar contours of his face. Then I pulled away, waved, and dashed out of my apartment.
I still don't really remember much about what happened that day. I know I did eventually make it into work, and I suspect I was yelled at by my boss, though I don't actually recall. She probably got pretty angry, but I was too relaxed and happy to really care. All I know is that I quit, on the spot, and didn't even bother picking up my paycheck. I wouldn't need it where I was going anyway. It felt good to be free once more, free of the hassle, free of the apron.
When I made it back to my apartment, I called Yukari. I owed her a good explanation, and I knew she'd understand. Fortunately, my luck was with me, and she was home. As she picked up the phone, her voice rough with sleep, I heard another voice, this one lower, and I realized that Amano was probably over there. We talked for a full hour, despite the fact that I'd awakened her from sound sleep. I told her what happened, I told her about Gaea, tried to remind her of the time, five years ago, when I'd vanished for days on end with no contact. The memory was dim for her, and I'd always wondered about that, but as I spoke to her now, she seemed to remember better. Then I told her about Van, and how he needed me, and how I needed him. We could finally be together as we'd always hoped. My throat grew hoarse from all the talking, and Yukari finally told me to stop.
"You don't need to explain anymore, Hitomi," she said, her voice full of compassion. "I understand, I can hear it in your voice."
I was silent for a moment and finally said the only thing I could. "I'm so sorry, Yukari."
"What for?" she asked, puzzled now. "Sorry for falling in love? Sorry for telling me that you're about to disappear to an invisible world? You've nothing to apologize for. Just promise me that you'll be happy."
"I will," I promised, close to tears. "Oh, I definitely will. And you? You and Amano will be just as happy, right?"
I could practically hear the smile in her voice. "Yes, Hitomi. Very happy. Have you told your family about this, yet?"
"Uh . . . not yet. I'm going to take my cat to the house and talk to my mother. I think she'll have the best chance of understanding."
Yukari's voice was thick with emotion when she spoke next. "You're my best friend, Hitomi. You know that right?"
I nodded, then realized she couldn't see me. "Yes, I know. You're mine too. I'll always love you, Yukari."
"And I'll love you too, Hitomi. Good luck." And she hung up. Part of me wanted to call her back up to talk with her some more, to tell her how much I'd miss her, but I knew that this was best.
So I stood up and went to the closet to dig out Kinu's cat carrier. Surprisingly enough, he went into the carrier quite docilely, without his usual hysterics. I snagged my keys from the counter and lugged Kinu's carrier outside. The train ride to my parents' house was long, but the rhythmic, humming sounds of the train were soothing, and I caught myself drifting off several times. Kinu actually did fall asleep. I guess he finally realized that despite the cat carrier, I wasn't taking him to the dreaded vet's office.
Once I left the train, and the train station, it was five blocks to the house. As I rounded the corner and spotted the familiar gate, I felt a sudden pang of impending homesickness. I didn't fully understand the link between Van and myself, but I suspected that once I left Earth to join Van on Gaea, I wouldn't return.
The house where I grew up was the same as it had always been. One of the small trees out front had been cut down, probably due to some sort of fungal disease that had been slowly killing it. There was a new bed of annuals lining the walk to the door, the colors brilliant, even through the blurring I was already experiencing from the tears I hadn't known were there.
"Hitomi?" My mother looked up from where she was clipping back a rather unruly-looking shrub. "My goodness, I wasn't expecting you." She took a longer, intense glance at my face, taking in my unshed tears, no doubt, then glanced down at Kinu in his carrier. Instead of asking about him, she simply stood up, brushing mulch from the knees of her pants. "Let me clean myself up a bit and I'll brew some tea for us."
A great swell of love for my mother flooded my heart and I smiled at her. "That would be great, Mom. I need to talk to you about a few things."
My mother led the way inside, laughing as she went. "I suspected you needed to talk to me. I can tell these things, you know. It's a good thing I sent your father to go pick up your brother from practice instead of getting him myself."
I set Kinu's carrier down on the kitchen table, ignoring his imperious yowls. He'd already smelled the familiar scent of his sister, Tanuki, who had stayed home with the rest of my family when I left Kinu was impatient to hunt her down and get reacquainted. I suspected that 'Nuki would be along shortly to greet him.
My mother busied herself in the kitchen, pulling out cups and dishes and the pot for the tea. I could smell cinnamon in the air, and was pleasantly surprised when a freshly made batch of cinnamon-sugar cookies turned out to be the source. Of course my mother set out a plate of the cookies along with the tea, since she could see me sniffing the air.
We munched on the cookies and sipped tea for several minutes without speaking. Mom was waiting patiently for me to begin, and I was gathering my thoughts, trying to decide how best to explain.
"Do you remember that time, about five years ago, when there was that weird incident at the track?" I began hesitantly.
At her nod, I continued. "Well, as weird as it sounds, I really did leave for a while. You don't remember it, I don't think, but it really happened. Gaea really happened." I paused and took a sip of my tea. "I have no solid proof that there actually is another world out there called Gaea, no scientific facts, just faith. Grandmother went there too, but she's gone now. And I don't even have her pendant anymore." My hand slid up to touch my throat at the exact spot where the pendant used to hang. Now it hung around Van's neck. Van.
"I know," said my mother, quite calmly. "My mother told me all about it."
I gazed at her in shock, not quite believing my ears.
"I never inherited the talents that you and your grandmother shared, so I never got to actually go to Gaea, but I always loved Mother's stories. She was half in love with some man there, if I remember correctly." She laughed lightly. "It was long before she met my father, however."
"So, you knew about Gaea, all this time?!" I was surprised, and I felt a little cheated. I had been preparing to convince her of the existence of a mystic, phantom planet locked in some strange tertiary orbit with the Earth and the Moon. And she knew all along.
"Yes, dear," she replied with the gentle smile that always set my heart at ease. "I always had fuzzy memories about that whole track incident, as well, and was suspicious. You never talked to me about it, though, and I didn't want to pry." Her expression grew pensive. "Why are you bringing this up now, however? I haven't had any fuzzy memories, so I rather doubt you've gone back to Gaea since that one time, five years ago."
"I haven't gone back," I confirmed. "Not really, anyway. But I have kept in constant contact, more or less, with someone I met when I was there. And what I need to talk with you about concerns him. And me." I lowered my eyes to my tea, concentrating on the gentle swirl of the liquid as I slowly rotated the cup on the table. "I love him. Van. And I'm going back to Gaea."
I didn't dare look up, for fear of what I'd find in my mother's face. It was a while before she responded, but when she did, her tone of voice was neutral. "Back to Gaea? I take it from your behavior that you won't be returning to Earth any time soon, either." I shook my head, no, and she continued. "I suppose that's why you brought Kinu over, isn't it? I was wondering about him."
I glanced up at my mother, who had unlatched the front of Kinu's cat carrier and was pulling him out. Well, he was barreling out on his own, but my mother collected him into her arms and began to scratch under his chin, eliciting contented purring from the happy feline. "Yeah, I don't think I'll be able to bring Kinu to Gaea, and besides, I don't think there are any cats like him there. The closest I could get to finding him a playmate would be Merle, and she'd probably be insulted that I even suggested such a thing. You'd like her, Mom. She's weird and obnoxious and gets jealous at the drop of a hat but she's got a good heart and I even missed her a lot . . ." I knew I was babbling, but I couldn't stop. And suddenly I was crying too.
My mother released Kinu, who dropped to the floor and padded off in search of his black-and-white sister. She put her arms around me and held me like a child. "Hush," she murmured against my hair. "I know, I know. It'll be alright."
"I never really felt at home here," managed to choke out between sobs, "But once I was on Gaea, I felt like I was special, like I belonged. I know it sounds silly, Mom, but I think I belong with Van." I chuckled half-heartedly. "Remember how you always said that you'd find me a prince to marry? Well, I found myself a king."
"He must be something special," my mother murmured, smoothing my hair down. "Very special indeed if he caught your heart like he seems to." She was silent for a moment. "I can't say that I really approve of this, per say, but you're an adult, Hitomi. You're old enough to make your own decisions now."
I pulled away from her enough to kiss her cheek. "Thanks for understanding, Mom. I wish you could meet Van, though. You'd like him too, I think. Though, you might not have approved of the Van I met five years ago. He was still a bit rough around the edges then."
"You have to promise me you'll come back someday, if it's at all possible," she said suddenly, urgently. I could hear the worry in her voice. "Promise me, Hitomi!"
"I promise, Mom." I replied solemnly, understanding the importance of my words. "I'll come back if I can. I'll try to bring Van too." She was losing her child, and I knew it was hard for her. It wasn't as though I was dying, but my decision was almost as irrevocable as death. I would, in all likelihood, never see my mother again. Outside of dreams of course. "I promise," I whispered again.
Her expression cleared and she smiled. It was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds and it soothed my worries. Everything would be alright now. "Well, enough tears," she said briskly. "Have you decided what you're bringing with you?" She helped me to my feet before gathering the tea dishes together and taking them into the kitchen. "I assume you are going to be able to bring at least something along with you. Even the cruddy airlines allow a small carry-on."
I giggled and helped her clear the table. "Don't be silly, Mom. The first time I went to Gaea I had my whole duffel bag with me. But no, I don't know what I want to bring. Clothes won't be all that important, but I've got so many things, like photos, that I don't know that I can bear to part with."
"Well, why don't we go up to the attic and sort through all of your old things," she suggested. "It'll be fun, too. I'm sure there's stuff up there that you didn't even know I kept."
I agreed that it was a great idea, and we spent the afternoon puttering around in the attic, sneezing, laughing and generally making a mess. It was like reliving the best parts of my childhood, something I didn't know I'd needed so badly. We found her collection of my baby teeth, as well as a series of rather ugly watercolors I'd created in my early elementary school days. Mom said they were some of her favorites and I told her she was crazy. Most importantly, I found all the photo albums. I wasn't concerned so much with the pictures of me as I was with pictures of the rest of my family.
Mom and I raided the albums, selecting an assortment of pictures of her, my father, my brother, and other relatives. I made sure to take a few of my grandmother. I knew that Allen would be interested in seeing the face of the woman who had inadvertently led his father astray, all those years ago.
I gathered together a small pile of things I couldn't bear to leave behind, and Mom gave me a small, sturdy rucksack to put everything in. By the time we were finished in the attic, it was nearly sunset, and the sun was glowing scarlet, bathing the house in that rich light peculiar to that time of day. There were some clouds gathering on the horizon, and it looked like it would probably rain before long.
My mother and I stood silently by the gate, neither really knowing what to say.
"Well," I began hesitantly. "I think I forgot to ask whether you could maybe come over to my apartment sometime and get my stuff out of there. I . . . don't really want to take the time. There's nothing left there that I want."
She nodded, her eyes already suspiciously bright. "No problem, Hitomi," she said managing to smile at me. "I'll even get your father and your brother to help. It'll give me a chance to try and explain what you're doing."
I returned her nod and after a brief moment of hesitation, stepped up to her and hugged her. It would have been better for me to just leave, to try and stave of the tears that were already prickling in my eyes, but I wasn't strong enough. Mom was already crying too.
"Just be happy," she murmured into my hair, echoing Yukari's words. "That's all I ask."
"I will, Mom." I squeezed my eyes closed. "I will."
And in each other's shadow we grew less and less tall
And eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
And I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
And when we leave the landlord will come and paint over it all
I decided to meet her in the garden. As I passed one of the newly re-glazed windows on the way out and saw the way the clouds were threatening, I almost reconsidered. But at least if she came over outside, there'd be less chance of someone spotting us. I dreaded having to explain what was going on to some poor guard or maidservant. Or worse yet, having to explain the situation to whatever princess was arriving today. No one had told me exactly when she was coming, so I would have difficulty avoiding her if I stayed in the palace.
I yelped in surprise as someone took hold of the back of my shirt, effectively halting my progress down the hall.
"Merle?!" My old friend was looking more subdued than usual, but Garred, who was lurking a few steps behind her, had a positively smug expression on his face. I wondered what was going on. "Is something wrong?"
She shook her head. "No, nothing's wrong. I just need to talk to you, Van-sama. Do you have a minute?" She was giving me the strangest look, her gaze searching my face as though looking for something. Without waiting for my answer, she turned and gave Garred a sweet, pleading smile. "Could you go to the kitchen and pick up some supplies for us, Garred?" she asked.
"Sure thing, Merle!" he enthused, clearly pleased to be of service in any way.
Merle beamed at him and reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "Thanks," she added. "I'll meet you out by the west gate in a few minutes."
Garred beamed back at her and paused to kiss the back of Merle's hand before dashing off in the direction of the kitchens. Merle watched him go with a peculiar expression on her face. I wondered what she was thinking.
"He'd walk through fire for you, if you asked him," I hazarded, allowing the faintest of smiles.
"I think you're right," she replied, smiling back at me. "He's a good friend, as well."
"What do you need supplies for?" I asked curiously. "Are the two of you going on a picnic or something?"
"Not exactly, Van-sama," she replied, her smile fading somewhat. "I'm leaving."
I blinked at her, not really understanding. "Leaving? What, on a vacation?"
"You could call it a vacation, I suppose," she mused. "I just don't know when I'll be back. I need . . . time, time away from life here." Time away from you, she didn't say.
"Merle . . ." I didn't know quite what to say.
"Don't worry about me," she added with a bright smile. "Garred ought to keep me out of trouble. A little."
I must have still looked worried and upset because she reached up and lay a hand on my cheek. "Please, Van, I need to do this. I've never been on my own. I've always been the cute little cat-girl that hangs around the king. I need to find out who Merle really is."
I sighed, knowing that she was determined, and I wouldn't be able to change her mind. "You are coming back, right?"
Merle gave me a gamine grin. "Of course, Van-sama! How could I not? Besides, I want to see Hitomi when she comes. I've missed her too, you know." Her grin widened at my dumbfounded expression. "What, you though I didn't know about what's going with you two?"
I blushed despite myself.
"I saw the light last night, Van. It set the whole countryside aglow." She sighed and brushed her fingers through the wild tumble of her hair. "When exactly are you bringing her over?" she asked curiously.
"Uh, I was heading outside to try right now," I managed to reply.
She mewled in excitement and impulsively hugged me. "Oh, how wonderful!" But when she pulled back, there was an odd expression on her face. I considered asking her about it, but decided against it. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know the answer. I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already had.
"You need to promise me that you'll be happy," I suddenly asked, unconsciously echoing Hitomi's mother and her friend Yukari. "I won't let you go with Garred unless you promise me. I don't want you moping or sulking, and don't give me that face, Merle. You do tend to sulk when you don't get your way . . ."
Merle stuck her tongue out at me. "Don't be so ridiculously sentimental, Van. You sound like Hitomi." She clasped her hands behind her back, doing her best I'm-such-an-adorably-cute-little-cat-girl impression. She's really good at it. "I promise I'll be happy. And despite whatever I may have said in the past, or anything I may say in the future, I really do like Garred. We're very similar, you know." Her expression softened, and once again I suspected that she wasn't quite as immune to the young cat-man's charms as she often pretended.
She glanced back up at me. "I don't think I need to get you to promise. I don't doubt in the least that you and Hitomi will be happy." She reached up on tip-toe and kissed me on the cheek. "Just remember to eat once and a while. And if you don't want to leave the bedroom for food, you can probably get someone to bring you a meal. Oh, and remember to keep it down at night. I know you're happy to be getting Hitomi back, but from what I heard, you were rather . . . um . . . vocally enthusiastic last night. It kept a few of the maids awake until nearly dawn."
I could feel the blood heating my face and I wished I could sink into the ground. Oh, hell. Now the whole palace knows what happened last night. And Merle . . .
The cat-girl was watching me, her eyes lit with mischief. "Aww, you're blushing, Van-sama!"
I made a mental note to remember to add some insulation to the walls of my bedroom. I also reminded myself not to rouse Merle's teasing side in the future. It was almost more than I could deal with. I grinned at her and mock-growled, "Merle . . . you're treading on thin ice, young lady . . ."
"Of course!" she replied brightly, swishing her tail back and forth. "It's my specialty!" And she scampered off in the direction of the kitchen, apparently deciding to meet Garred there, instead of waiting for him at the gate.
I sighed, knowing she was hurting, but realizing that she needed time on her own. It would also do her good to be with someone who thought the sun and both moons revolved around her smiles. Garred quite obviously adored her.
I continued down the hall and made my way outside. The sky had shifted from 'threatening' and it was truly raining now, a gentle wash of silver, the kind that tends to characterize spring here in Fanelia. The rain was warm, though, and I decided that I could bear the wetness. As I ambled along the garden paths, weaving absently around planters of flowers and shrubs, I reached out with my mind and sought out Hitomi.
It was raining on the Phantom Moon as well, and it was the same sort of rain, calm and gentle, the kind that soaks through clothing in an instant. She had a lumpy pack slung over her shoulder, and it was wrapped in a sheet of some sort of shiny material. I assumed it was to keep her belongings dry within. I was curious, though, as to why she wasn't wearing something similar to keep herself dry. She was soaked to the bone, her hair plastered to her head, water dripping occasionally from her nose.
I noticed, with a start, that she was also walking through a garden, though it was more of a park, and less of a formal garden, like those at the palace here. She paused next to a large tree, which shielded her from the rain enough for her to shake most of the water from her hair. It was then that she suddenly became aware of my Watching. Her smile was glorious, despite the rain.
Van! she cried out joyously. She dashed out from the shelter of the tree and tilted her head back, gazing up into the rain.
I mirrored her posture, my eyes searching for the familiar curve of the Phantom Moon. It hadn't yet risen, but it would, despite obscuring clouds. The rain trickled down my face like cool tears. Hitomi . . . I continued to Watch her in the rain.
Hitomi flung out her hands towards the sky, her pack slipping down a little on her back, and grabbed onto our mental link. I pulled back, and we again felt that mutual flash of disorientation from the night before. It was like a thunderstorm. Like the rain.
So I pulled, pulled harder than I'd ever pulled on something in my whole life. I could feel the gravity of her world fighting me with every breath I took. Then Hitomi began to pull as well, hanging onto me as a lifeline, and she was suddenly encased in that shimmering golden glow from last night. It was almost blinding, and when I glanced down at myself, I discovered that I was shining just as brightly.
Hitomi's smile glowed and with a shudder that rippled through both planets, she came. The column of light, gold, silver, and emerald, shot down from the heavens, and Hitomi's gold-encased form appeared, drifting gently to the ground, her wet hair whipping about her head from the ethereal wind. The shaft of light slowly vanished, but Hitomi's golden aura remained, shining like a star. She took a tentative step towards me.
I quickly glanced around, just to make sure I was still on Gaea. I was. I turned my attention immediately back to Hitomi. She was here. Really here.
She continued to walk towards me, liquid gold flowing away from her with each step,
until she glowed no more than any other girl. Her smile was like the sun.
And I'm walking out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
And I am getting no where with you
And I can't let it go and I can't get through
The spring rain fell indiscriminately and the Fanelian countryside soaked it up, breathing in spring with every raindrop. The grounds of the palace were no different, and the patter of the misty raindrops was a gentle counterpoint to the growth of the trees and flowers. Next to one venerable old tree, a young man was reaching out his hands to a young woman, who was glowing faintly with power. Both were soaked to the bone.
A single tear trailed down Van's cheek and mingled with the rain before falling from his chin. Hitomi smiled and brushed her thumb along his wet cheek. "Van," she whispered, her eyes reflecting the wonder in her voice. "I'm here. I'm really here . . ."
Van still couldn't find his voice. Instead, he reached up and captured Hitomi's hand in both of his, tracing the contours of her palm. Then he pressed a rather damp kiss on its very center. Hitomi suddenly found it very difficult to breathe. She bit her lower lip.
With a beautiful smile, Van reached out and teased her lip out from between her teeth with his finger. "You're absolutely adorable," he murmured absently, his eyes never straying from hers.
"As are you," she retorted with a wicked little smile. Her fingers tightened around his.
Van stared at her for a while. A droplet of water slowly wended its way down from her hairline, tracing along her nose before catching on her lip. "You're wet," he commented.
"As are you," she repeated, her green eyes soft.
He sighed and leaned forward, kissing the rain from her mouth. Hitomi tilted her head back to meet him, and pulled him closer. They shivered in unison and tightened their embrace, staving off the chill of the rain.
Finally they broke the kiss and Hitomi lay her cheek against his chest, tucking her head under his chin. It was amazing how perfectly they fit together. She slid her hands down his arms and twined her fingers with his, holding tightly to his hands.
Van finally broke the silence. "Stay with me," he asked redundantly.
"Forever," she replied, tilting her face up to kiss the side of his neck.
"Forever," Van echoed in a whisper, closing his eyes and breathing in the rain. He squeezed her hands gently.
Rain dribbled into her eyes so she closed them. She didn't need to see him anymore. She knew he was there, could feel his hands in hers. Could feel the warmth of his body.
The rain continued to fall, bringing life to Fanelia.
And both hands, please use both hands
Oh, now don't close your eyes
I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried . . .
How hard we tried . . .
How hard we tried . . .
.: fin :.