"A password?" Angel gave her his standard confused face.
"It's you, all right, Angel." Buffy laughed in sheer relief. The dark vampire weakly smiled as Buffy hugged him and tears threatened to come to her eyes. The feel of her warm body against his made him very nervous. He slowly, but firmly removed the slayer from himself. "What is it, Buffy?"
"I had terrible visions of you and the rest of your line rejoining. I can't say the thought gave me a warm fuzzy feeling."
"So, you know about Darla?"
"Cordelia told me."
"Good. You all need to know this."
An uncomfortable silence fell over the once couple. Just when Buffy couldn't take it any longer, Angel broke the quiet and replaced it with something worse. "So, how's your boyfriend...Riley, is it?" He noticed Buffy turn a bit pale.
"He left."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Buffy."
More silence.
"Do you mind if I ask what happened? I mean, it's really none of my business, but...I still care about you."
"No, I don't mind." She took a deep breath while she gathered her thoughts. At first, she was tempted to make a short, cryptical statement, just to keep her tough, Slayer exterior showing. But the grand relief she felt from discovering Angel was still Angel had brought forth the emotions she always strove to keep buried deep within.
"He was so...safe. So, normal. I think I may have mistaken that for love." She always felt safe to show her real self in Angel's presence. Not so much to her friends, as they always judged. Angel never judged her. He just accepted her for who she was: slayer, girl, woman, friend, lover. The Slayer felt her heart yearn to have once again what she had had with her former vampire lover. "I never even realized it until..." Buffy bowed her head, hating to look him in the eye while admitting what Riley had been doing. "...he thought I didn't love him. He thought he needed to be more like you," ('and Spike and Dracula' she thought) in order to be my 'guy'. So, he started paying vampires to feed off of him."
"He did that all because of me?!"
Buffy quickly said, "No! He did it because of himself. We didn't even really talked about it. It all happened in one day for me. Spike showed me Riley with the vamps, then Riley told me that he felt unloved and ignored, then he left for the jungle that night."
Angel noted she was amazingly calm and emotionless. Once again, there was and awkward silence.
"Hungry?"
A bit flustered and surprised, the vampire responded, "Uh, n-no. I'm fine, thanks," wondering all the while why she would have blood in her house. It was now time to bring up the main topic.
"Buffy, what is going on with Spike?"
She wasn't surprised he was asking. Afterall, she was asking herself the same question...every day.
"Well..." she began cautiously, not knowing if the truth should be revealed yet.
"I hear you talk about him casually as if he is a part of your life. Also, Cordelia said something about you needing him to stay in Sunnydale. You don't need me to tell you how dangerous he is."
"Spike is...a bit different now-a-days. Maybe 'not himself' is a better explanation."
"I don't understand. Did Willow cast a spell on him or something?"
"No." Her voice wavered. "He's...he's...well, bite-free."
Angel just narrowed his eyes and stared at her. "You have to keep this from Darla and Dru. If they find out, they'll kill him." He smelled a definite rush of adrenaline and fear come from Buffy.
"The government operation Riley was with, the Initiative, put a microchip in his brain. It prevents him from harming humans."
"William isn't going to like that! I'm surprised he hasn't tried to dust himself."
"He did, once." Buffy's face turned a bit sad.
"Don't tell me you saved his demon ass?!"
"Well, he's very useful the way he is. He patrols with me every once in a while. Says it helps him get his quota of violence in before bed...seeing that demons are the only things he can kill."
Then something miraculous happened. Angel chuckled.
"It's not funny, Angel." Her eyes were dead serious.
"Hell, yeah it's funny! 'Spike the Vampire Slayer'. Dru would most certainly be displeased."
"Angel, stop. He's struggling through this. I didn't find it a bit funny that the once great and feared Angelus is now fighting the forces of darkness. In a way we're lucky to have William."
When Buffy stopped talking, Angel just stared in disbelief. "You love him!"
"What?!"
"I can see it in your eyes, in your body language, in your words. I know you, Buffy, like no one else in the world could. I even knew you didn't really love Riley."
Buffy threw her arms up and yelled, half joking, half frustrated, "why is it everybody knew I didn't love him but me?!"
"And I do not l-love Spike! He's a help sometimes, sure, but he's still an egotistical, violent maniac."
"I agree. That's why I came. Chip or no chip, you can't trust that man. You of all people should realize that."
That was one fact Buffy could not dispute. Spike, no matter how helpful, or how neutered, was still a vampire, and therefore dangerous. The slayer's mind drifted back, painfully remembering when Angel turned to Angelus. She began to feel a burning in her chest – the feeling she used to get when she first found out she was the slayer. It was an overwhelming feeling of being out of control and helpless. 'Can I ever trust anyone?' she cried to herself. Angel had betrayed her. Parker used her. Riley left her. She had known four years ago that she would never have a normal life – never marry, have kids, buy a house with a white picket fence in the suburbs. She, at one time, had imagined herself growing old with her husband, becoming a wrinkly set of prunes in rocking chairs on the front porch with great grandchildren running about. The reality is, she would live to her early 20's, if she was lucky. One day, when the stars and planets were aligned properly, some dark, sinister demon/beast would manage to overcome her with a lucky strike, stripping her of her young, vibrant life. The most she could ever hope for is for someone to give her happiness and love for the rest of her short life. And now she was concluding that she could very well never have even that much. Buffy silently cursed the Powers That Be.
"Yes, I do realize that. But it's not like I haven't had to deal with it before," she said poignantly, half looking at the man in front of her. "I can't stand it, Angel." Buffy's wall had been broken and tears came uncontrollably. "How am I supposed to live like this?" She dropped her head into her hands and quietly wept.
Angel felt guilt rush over him like the beach at high tide. He could taste the bare naked truth of her words. He slowly stood up, walked to her and held her in his strong, cool arms. The smell of her hair and feel of her body heat was intoxicating. He now remembered why making love to her had been the happiest moment(s) of his life. "I know, Buffy." He gently rubbed her back. "I can't help make it better, but I can remind you that I am going through it myself and have been for 248 years. Please don't feel alone. I still love you, and always will."
The tears suddenly stopped. Even though her Angel lived miles away, and had a life outside of her own, she knew she would never be alone.
Angel had left for L.A. and Dawn and Mom lay sleeping in their beds. The calm and silence of the house reverberated through Buffy, allowing her to collect her thoughts and put into perspective all that she had learned tonight. In the bathroom, the mirror reflected a very confused and worn out woman...someone who had lived more than her years suggest. 'Buffy, what is going on with Spike? I hear you talk about him casually as if he is a part of your life.' She turned on the faucet and leaned over to wash her face. 'I'd send Spike... but ...we need him here.' Grabbing the fresh, clean towel on the right, she dried her face, enjoying the soft, warm feel. 'You love him!' Her old, sweaty patrol clothes peeled off like the skin of a banana. 'How am I supposed to live like this...alone?' She couldn't wait to step into the shower. 'I don't want to hurt you, Buffy...I love you.' The water cascaded over her well toned body, feeling so soothing and comforting. 'I don't love you, you know...And I do not l-love Spike!' She lathered up her hair and body, taking in the sweet smell of her soap and shampoo. 'Chip or no chip, you can't trust that man.' Buffy rinsed off, toweled dry, then looked in the mirror once more. "Better." Tonight would feel so good for the girl to sleep.
3:35am
Buffy awoke with a start. Her dream had been too
vivid. It was not her usual prophetic dream, just very incisive.
She was on a ship, far out into the ocean in the middle
of nowhere. Everyone she had ever known and loved was on board.
Winds came from every direction, growing exponentially in intensity as
a violent storm approached. Suddenly, the weather worsened.
The ship rocked to and fro with waves threatening to overcome the huge
vessel. Buffy knew there was only one way to make it out of there
alive. They all had to work together to prepare the boat. She
swiftly turned to ask her third grade teacher, Mrs. Henderson, to help
with the sails. The wind grabbed the old spinster and plunged her
into the depths of the sea. Terrified, Buffy found another familiar
face, Joe, her next door neighbor. He too was washed into the water.
One after another after another, they all met the same fate. In a
panic, Buffy fled through the ship to find Willow, Xander, Giles and Mom.
It was then she heard the banging coming from below. Her friends
were trapped inside the cabin. She tried frantically to bust open
the door, but a large block of cheese barricaded the door. Her only
choice was to keep trying to enlist help from the final passengers on the
deck. There were only 4 left. She turned to Parker and he leaped
off the ship. She turned to Angel and he was pulled off the ship.
She turned to Riley and he simply disappeared. She defeatedly turned
to Spike. His hair was brown and styled contemporarily, as were the
clothes he wore. William looked down at her, smiling warmly.
Then he put his arm around her and drew her close. With a light kiss
across her quivering lips...the water was still.