Title: She Cried
Author: sunstblvd4
Category: MSR, ummmm. Mulder angst?
Spoilers: none really
Rating: PG
Feedback: yes please. Sunstblvd4@usa.net
Disclaimer: Once again, not mine. No copyright infringement intended.
Archive: Ask first. Keep my name and e-mail on it. Author's notes at the end. *************
She was crying.
Why was she crying? I never meant to hurt her. I didn't know leaving would cause her this much pain. But it was better for everyone this way. I couldn't risk her safety because of my selfishness. I love her too much. I love her for staying with me through all the horrible, mind wrenching crap we had to put up with. I love her for visiting or calling me in the late hours, just because she couldn't sleep. I love her for everything. And now I stand here, watching her from afar.
I never intended for it to be this way. But they gave me an offer I couldn't refuse. Scully's safety, protection, and fertility, if I came to work for them. Everything she had ever needed or wanted was handed to her, right there. All I had to do was sell out. And so I did it. I sold out to save her. To save her future. I didn't matter. All that mattered was that she was happy. But for reasons I can't understand, she was crying.
I tapped into the surveillance system the Lone Gunmen had set up in her apartment to see her. I just wanted to see her for a few minutes. It was hard enough not being able to at least talk to her on the phone. This way, I could watch her, still be a part of her life, without actually being a part of her life.
She cried today. I don't know why. She came into her apartment after work like she always does. Sat down on the couch, and began to cry. I don't know what happened. She wasn't reading anything, or holding anything. She just sat down and cried.
I wanted to run to her. To hold her and tell her everything was going to be fine. But I couldn't. They wouldn't let me. It was like having my own personal chains. I could only go so far before I was tugged back. And still she kept crying. She cried for almost half an hour before the hyperventilating was getting to her and she forced herself to stop.
Somehow I don't remember her crying as much before. She has never really *cried* before. Does she always cry by herself? Has she always done this and I just never knew about it? What could be so horrible that she had to cry like this by herself? Was it me? No. It couldn't be. Why would she cry over me? Her life is better without me in it. Right?
Right. Of course it is. She's happier now. I know she is. Why wouldn't she be? I'm no longer there to drag her off to some no-where-ville town where it turns out that it was just the sleepwalking dog. I'm not there to constantly risk her life with "the next big thing." Of course she's happier now.
And she has her fertility too. She hasn't had it in so long, and now it's been returned. She can have the family and life she always wanted. Right?
Of course she can. I'm not there to hold her back anymore. I can't keep her from the life she deserves with my fits of jealousy. She can have any man she wants. She always could. But for some reason, I think she felt like she was betraying me. Me and my issues. My fear of abandonment. It's true though. Every time she tried to leave, I put a guilt trip on her and made her stay.
Dammit. Why do I do things like that? She could have had so much better. Her life would be so different now if I had let her go. She probably would have a husband, and kids, with the little white picket fence. And I took that away from her. I took everything away from her. She was crying.
******
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Author's Notes: Chantal, who woulda thunk it huh? What is this? My third. And I swore I'd never write this stuff. It's amazing what you will do while working a 5-8am shift at the front desk. Once again, thanks Jess for the use of the laptop. And again, thanks Western Michigan University for providing me with a job at which I work INSANE hours of the night in which I become inspired.