Cowboy, Baby
By Robin Wright
Author's Note: Oh dear God, please help us all!!!!!!!
Link rode through Hyrule field, ignoring Navi. He held a CD player, singing way, way off key.
"Hey, hey, hey! Link, Link! What are you listening to what are you listening towhatareyoulisteingtowhatareyoulisteningto?!?!?!?!?!??" Navi yelled.
Link continued to sing, ignoring Navi. She glowed red and pulled his hair.
"Yow! What the hell was that for?"
"Don't swear Link!"
"I'll do whatever the [censored] I want to!"
"What are you listening to?"
"Kid Rock."
"Who's that?"
"A cowboy."
"What's a cowboy?"
"I'm not sure, but I know he's got lots of women and a yacht."
"What's a yacht?"
"I don't know, but if it's anything like the women he's singing about, then I want one of those, too."
"Oh."
"I think I'm going to be a cowboy from now on."
"Cool."
"I wonder if Zelda would be part of my 'escort service.'"
"What's that?"
"I don't know. Maybe she'll know."
"Let's go and ask her."
Link and Navi made their way to Hyrule castle and went right past the guards, who were drunk and passed out, because this is my story. Link went inside and headed to Zelda's room. He knocked and received no answer. Of course, he was wearing his headphones, so even if he got an answer, he didn't hear it. Link opened the door, and there was Zelda, meditating.
"Hey, Zelda-"
"You wish to ask me a question."
"Yeah, I want to know-"
"What an escort service is."
"Yeah, because-"
"You're a cowboy now and you want me to be part of it."
"Wow! Zelda! How did you guess?"
"I can read minds."
"Cool."
"I will be part of your 'escort service,' whatever that is."
"Alright. Now all we need is a yacht."
They left the castle to go and find a yacht. And just because I feel like putting this down, they ran into pirates, in a yacht, in the moat. What they were doing in the moat, I have no earthly idea, but yeah, whatever, back to the dialogue.
"Arg, me matey! Are you be wanting a ride in me yaght?" asked the captain.
"Man, that thing is the bitch! You bet your piratey ass I want a ride!" said Link.
He, Zelda, and Navi climbed onto the pirate yacht.
"Arg, me matey! You be wishin' to have some wine with me men?"
"Your men? What kind of a place is this?" asked Zelda.
"Arg, I didn't mean that! I be referrin to me crew!"
"Yeah, sure, I'll have some wine," said Link.
Well, they all got drunk and the pirate boat sailed right through Hyrule field, all the way to the lake. There, they picked up a few Zoras and made their way to California, which, fortunately, was somehow moved just an hour ago to the same dimension. They swam at the beach and admired the smog, which they had never seen before. There they ran into a mime and beat him up. After that, they, um, ate some cheese, and this plot is going all to hell, burning in flames!
"I'm still a cowboy!"
Yeah, sure.
"I am!"
This story sucks.
"So what else is new?"
Screw you.
"Okay."
You sick little....
"Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha!!!!"
This is the last time I write a Zelda fanfic.
"Aw, come on. I know you love me."
I love you like a toothpick in my foot. I got one of those in my foot when I was kid. Man, that hurt like bloody hell....
"Hey! You're forgetting me down here! When are you going to make me a cowboy?"
Never.
"That's not fair."
I don't even know why in God's name I'm writing this piece of crap.
"It's because you're tired of transcribing you manuscript and you can't type for [censored]."
When did I give you such a filthy vocabulary?
"You didn't. I picked it up on the pirate ship."
I didn't know that you listened to Kid Rock. Where did I come up with that one?
"You listen to Kid Rock."
Oh yeah....
"Now that's surprising."
Yeah, he is kinda... not usually what I listen to. But The Offspring kick ass. Ever since I was a little girl living in the Himalayas....
"Here we go again...."
What? You don't like my nostalgic thoughts?
"Yeah, and the fact that you've never even been to the Himalayas."
Can I help it if I'm a chronic liar?
"Arg, me matey! When be we gettin back to story me be in and making chocolate cake in California?"
And suddenly, the captain of the pirate ship blew up in a cloud of sparks.
Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah aha ahahahahahahahahh ahaha haha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I'm very scared."
Link pulls out a cigar and starts to smoke.
You are pathetic, Link. Smoking, cussing, drinking, looking for hookers.
"Hey, I do what I can."
You do more than you should.
"So what about that escort service?"
But you don't know what an escort service is.
"Like hell I don't! I learned from the pirates! Man, those guys are a wealth of knowledge! They even figured out the superstring! They've got a store of Tackeyon in their hold!"
Not even Steven Hawking can figure out the superstring! And Tackeyon? We can't contain that without blowing up, given that it even exists. So please explain to me how some 15th or 16th century sea dogs can have a store of it in their hold!
"That is not for you to know."
Screw you.
"Okay."
And then Link and the entire pirate ship and all of the nonexistent Tackeyon on board blew up, consuming all of Hyrule and it's universe and all of California. And then, there was silence.
Ye 'ol End
(Arg)