Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.
V. Weakness
Papillon éphémère
Aux ailes de verre
Prisonnière du fil de vos secrets
Papillon qui espère
Juste un peu de lumière
Pour sécher ses couleurs
Au feu de vos désirs |
Ephemeral butterfly
With wings of glass
Prisoner in hidden threads
Butterfly hoping
For just a little light
Instead of drying out the colors
To the fire of your desires |
--Celine Dion, Papillon
Jeff gave Yui his phone number, if she ever needed to call him. "If you need anything at all. This is my cell number. But I share an apartment with the bassoonist and he likes to go to sleep early, so don't call too late."
Yui thanked him for the ride, watching his car disappear down the street into the darkness and glittering lights of the New York night. It was late. She looked at her watch. Past midnight. She hoped Tetsuya was not awake.
Fumbling in her purse for her key, she took the elevator up to the sixth floor. The key slid in easily and the green light blinked. She turned the handle quietly.
The room was dark and the curtains drawn. In the bed by the door she could make out a lump in between the covers. Good, he was asleep.
"Yui?"
Maybe not.
"I'm home," she said quietly, dropping her purse on a chair. "Can I turn on the light?"
"Sure." He didn't sound sleepy at all.
"Were you waiting for me to come back?"
Tetsuya turned over. "Something like that." Another light came on and she saw he was sitting up, his hair tousled and clothes rumpled, but his eyes were clear. "Yui…exactly what was going on tonight. Amiboshi?"
"He is Amiboshi. Jeff Cotorro."
Tetsuya blinked at her. "No way. Amiboshi? Your seishi?"
"I don't suppose you know any other Amiboshi's out there."
"Well you didn't seem too concerned that you have a reincarnated seishi running around all of a sudden."
"If Miaka can have reincarnated shichi seishi, why can't I?" she said, feeling slightly defensive.
Tetsuya made a face. "Good lord. That means there are more of them out there…"
"I found Soi." She was really in no mood to discuss her seishi with Tetsuya tonight, and she needed a shower.
"Soi?" The distate in Tetsuya's voice was audible.
"Yes, Soi," Yui flung back. "And you know what, Tetsuya? She's dead now. She died of AIDS last week. You knew her less than I did, and yet you're judging her?"
"No offense, Yui, but you seishi were a bunch of bast-"
"So maybe they were! And what of it? Don't they deserve a second chance?" She glared at Tetsuya, who glared back. "You've no right to judge my seishi!"
"And you do?"
"Did you hear me judging them?"
"Look, Yui, I just don't want you to get hurt-"
"You're not my guardian! I can take care of myself!"
"You didn't do so well in the book," Tetsuya sneered.
Yui seethed. "I don't have to take this. You know nothing…NOTHING! about what happened when I was there, so don't even start talking about things you don't know!"
"All right then, miss high-and-mighty! If you know so much then why don't you get out of my face?"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
Yui stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, barely noticing the hot tears dropping from her eyes and rolling onto her cheeks, dripping onto the cold floor tiles. Her knees felt weak and she crumpled onto the floor towel, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
She didn't know this Tetsuya. It was all wrong.
She wasn't going to apologize. Tetsuya had been the one ridiculing her seishi. If he wanted to make up, he could come and apologize to her.
Stubborn miko, said a voice inside her mind.
Shut up!
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Yui quickly threw off her clothes and climbed into the tub, scrubbing herself clean and washing her face. When she emerged outside, the hotel room was dark once more and Tetsuya's deep, even breathing was audible from his side of the room.
Was he truly asleep? She didn't want to find out, and frankly didn't care. Climbing into bed, she stared at the shadowy ceiling, listening to the New York traffic and imagining faces in the darkness. Nakago handing her his earring. Amiboshi playing his flute. Tomo's painted features out of the shadows. Soi, casting a sideways glance at her. Suboshi.
She had given him her ribbon from her school uniform. She still had the ribbon in her possession, locked away in a little chest of precious momentoes that she kept in her room. The ribbon was stained with blood…his blood.
Miaka had said he had died saying two things…her name, and his aniki's.
Jeff had said Suboshi loved her. She thought back to him jumping in front of her to save her from a perceived threat from Miaka. Chasing Tamahome because she had told him to. Because she had wanted her petty revenge against people who had never hurt her at all, and Suboshi had died because of it. Because of her orders. Because he would do anything or her, and she used him.
I killed you, Suboshi.
The hot tears dripped down the sides of her cheeks and into her ears, but she muffled her sobs in the pillow, just in case Tetsuya was still awake. Soi was dead…what if Suboshi was also dead?
She didn't know why she cared so much, why the images of her dead seishi were filling her mind at this moment. Why the boy with the straw-blond hair was gazing at her with such solemnity and truth in his blue eyes.
What did I do wrong? Suboshi, what did I do wrong?
Everything will be all right, Yui-sama. I'm here…
But he wasn't. I killed him. I killed him, and it's all my fault.
I love you, Yui-sama.
He hadn't loved her. It was an infatuation, that was all. A teenage crush, like she had gotten on Tetsuya and mistaken for the real thing. It was too late for her, for everything…too late.
Too late for love.
Vite, je tombe
Est-ce que tu seras en bas
Est-ce que tu m'attendras
Pour m'emmener là où je ne sais pas
Pour me ramener vers toi?
Vite, je tombe |
Hurry, I'm falling
Will you be down below
Will you pick me up
To show me the way I'm seeking
To bring me back to you?
Hurry, I'm falling |
--Patrick Bruel, J'te Mentirais
She felt wrong when she woke, like something was missing. The sun was shining through the half-open curtains of the big window by her bed, and the familiar sound of New York traffic assailed her ears.
"Tetsuya?"
There was no answer. Was he still asleep? Yui forced her groggy eyes open, blinking. The ceiling came into focus and she rolled over, expecting to see his black hair spread over the pillow and him curled up in the white sheets.
The bed was empty.
She sat up, frowning, rubbing the last of the sleep out of her eyes. "Tetsuya?"
into the main room, she noticed that his toothpaste and toothbrush were missing. The suitcase rack by the door, which had held his suitcase and backpack yesterday, was empty.
"Tetsuya!"
She jerked open the door, yelling into the quiet hallway. No one answered.
Panic rose in her chest. He couldn't have left her here by herself. She had their train tickets in her purse, and…
A piece of torn paper by the TV caught her attention, and she crossed over, snatching it up. It was a mess of scribbled kanji and hirigana, a very short note.
Yui,
It looks like me staying here just won't work. I've gone home early. Have fun by yourself in New York.
Tetsuya
She stood there for a moment, the note in her hand, uncomprehending. He…had left her? Alone? Without saying goodbye? Yes, they had fought, but they'd gone through worse fights before and had come out fine.
"Damn it," she whispered, but there was no real emotion behind the words. They had fought, and this was the end. He'd made it final.
Throwing on shorts and a t-shirt, she grabbed her purse and dashed out the door. Maybe…maybe he hadn't left New York yet. It was still early after all. She looked at her watch. Eight AM. Maybe he had just left…if she hurried, maybe she could still catch him at the subway or train station.
Tetsuya…Tetsuya…please be there. Please don't have left yet. Please.
Hailing a passing cab, she passed a handful of dollar bills to the driver, who tore off in the direction of the train station. For once, Yui paid no attention to the swerving and sudden stops, keeping her eyes on the second hand of her watch. There was a train to Philadelphia that left at eight thirty…maybe he would take that one. That would put him still at the station.
The taxi screeched to a halt outside the station and Yui thrust another handful of bills to the driver, not even looking to see how much it was. The train station was a mass of people, even this early in the morning, and she thrust her way through the crowds, all politeness gone.
"Tetsuya? Tetsuya?"
She looked for a black head, a pair of sunglasses, a red jacket. Nothing. Women and men strolled past, stood waiting for their tickets, pushed past to the escalators. She wormed her way past a crowd of talking businessmen, looking for time sheets. The train to Philadelphia was leaving from a station to the left. If she hurried…
"Hey! Where do you think you're going?"
A hand grabbed her sleeve and held her, and Yui stared helplessly back at a tall American man who was looking at her with angry eyes.
"You just stepped on my shoes!"
Looking down, she saw a large black mark in the tops of one of the man's tan leather shoes. "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm in a hurry and-"
"We're all in a hurry! You better pay for this! These are new!"
Yui swallowed. "Sir, I-"
"Is there a problem here?"
The voice was smooth and slightly commanding, with an accent she couldn't place. She tried to turn around to see who was speaking, but the man's hand held her sleeve tight.
"This bitch stepped on my shoes!"
"Would you like me to pay for them?"
The man blinked, obviously off-guard. Finally, he growled, "As long as I get compensated. These were brand new."
A rustle as something was pulled out a coat pocket. The sound of a check being torn off. "I hope this is quite enough."
The man looked at the check, and after a few half-hearted grumbles he released Yui's sleeve with a slight push. She fell to her hands and knees to the cold floor, gasping for air. It had been like that…only worse, that first time in Kutou when the men had come, grabbing her clothing. Her head spun, and she felt numb.
"Are you all right, miss?"
She didn't respond for a few moments, then managed a frantic nodding. A hand came down in front of her, open, offering. "Let me help you up."
She blinked, then looked up. A pair of blue eyes stared back at her out of a smiling and slightly concerned face. Blond hair cut short. Expensive business suit.
Blue eyes.
Slightly dazed, she let him pull her to her feet. He was tall, taller than her by a foot at least. He had on a silk tie and his briefcase was of fine leather. In one ear he wore a small earring.
Yui gasped.
Nakago!
The features were not exactly as she remembered them, but there was no mistaking the confident air, the almost arrogant voice. She stared at him.
The stranger frowned. "Did he hurt you, miss?"
Deep, commanding voice. She drew in another deep gulp of air. "N-no. I'm fine."
"Is there anything I can do?"
By then they were drawing a small crowd, and she stood, frozen, unable to answer. A warm hand touched her elbow. "Here, come with me. I'm sure you don't want all these people staring at you."
Yui shook her head, and the man steered her towards a small gap in the mass of people. "Excuse me. Pardon me." The crowd opened up in front of him like parting water, and before long they were past the mass of people by the ticket sales stands. There was a small lounge area in one corner, and he motioned for her to sit down.
"I'm sorry. I didn't introduce myself." He held out one hand. "I'm Stephan BeauSeigneur. And you are…?"
French. His accent was French. "Yui. Yui Hongou."
A fleeting look of confusion passed across his face as he shook her hand, and then his features smoothed once more. "I'm glad to meet you, Yui."
"I'm-I'm sorry to have caused you trouble…"
"Think nothing of it," he replied smoothly, setting his briefcase to the floor and taking a seat beside her. I'm glad to be of help."
Yui cast him a sideways glance. He was glad to be of help? That did not sound like Nakago.
"Have you seen a Japanese boy…black haired, sunglasses? Tall?"
"There are many in this airport, Miss Hongou."
She sighed. "That's all right. I suppose he's gone now…"
"What's wrong?"
No matter if Nakago had changed. She wasn't going to tell him her personal problems. "Nothing. I was just hoping he would be here, that's all."
"I see."
Was it possible that he hadn't regained his memories at all? Soi had…and Amiboshi - Jeff - had, but perhaps Nakago had not. Or maybe Stephan BeauSeigneur wasn't Nakago after all.
His lip quirked. "Why do you keep staring at me like this?"
Yui flushed. "I'm sorry, sir. I just keep thinking you look like someone I knew a long time ago."
"Funny," he murmured. "So do I. You look familiar."
He was definitely Nakago. But…he didn't remember? I knew you in a past life. No, he'd think she was crazy. Instead, she got up from the bench. Her legs were much steadier now, and her stomach had settled. She looked at her watch. Eight-thirty. If Tetsuya had taken the train, he would be gone by now.
"I suppose I should be going, sir," she heard herself say, holding out her hand to shake his in parting. "Thank you."
"Where are you going?"
"Back to my hotel." Back to nothing.
He surprised her by giving her a warm smile. "How about if I walk you there? Is it far?"
"About four minutes by taxi, sir."
"Call me Stephan." He got up from the bench. "Four minutes by taxi means about fifteen minutes on foot. And it's a nice day out."
The sidewalks of New York were just as crowded as the streets in the morning, and Yui kept close by to Stephan as they pushed past businessmen and women hurrying to work, street peddlers bellowing their wares, through crowds streaming under construction scaffolds of rickety wood.
"I just got here to New York," Stephan said, conversationally. "I usually come about once every two weeks for business from France. Are you from around here?"
"I'm from Japan."
"Ah."
The don't-walk sign flashed and they stopped on the corner, watching the cars pass. "What brings you here?"
"I got a travel scholarship from a local university."
"You're attending a university?"
"Oh, no." Yui laughed nervously. His blond hair shimmered in the sunlight and his blue eyes smiled. "I'm still in high school."
If he was Nakago, he had changed. Who was this kind and generous man who had offered to walk her back to her hotel? He was smiling. She had never seen Nakago smile, not the cruel smile that she had too often seen, not the sly smile he used to offer her for comfort, but a real, genuine smile. It made his face light up.
Soi had said she had seen him a long time ago. And she had said he hadn't changed…hadn't she? Could she have been wrong?
"I thought you looked a little young for that. Well, looks can be deceiving sometimes."
"Yes," Yui said, concentrating on not looking at him. "Here's our light."
The walk sign flickered and she stepped out into the intersection, mind elsewhere. The pavement glittered in the sunlight.
The only warning she had was the squeal of breaks and the desperate honking of a horn. A large black object reared up at her, and wind rushed past her, and there was no time to move.
She screamed.
"YUI-SAMA!"
Something large and warm flung her out of the way and she landed on her hands and knees on the pavement, cheek bruised from scraping on the ground. Her vision was blurry, and she couldn't breathe. There was a roaring in her ears and she thought she heard someone calling her name.
"Yui? Yui-sama?"
Blue eyes, looking into hers. Hands shaking her shoulders. His nose and cheek were smudged with dirt and a little blood. There was blood trickling down the side of his face and a sliver of glass was lodged in his right temple.
Pulsing in the center of his forehead was a brilliant blue character. "Kokoro."
"N-Nakago."
He reached up one hand to touch her, touch her face and her cheek, and as she watched, he smiled. And then his breath hitched in his chest and he collapsed on top of her.
"Nakago? Nakago!"
He was breathing, but barely. She rolled him onto his back and looked around wildly. There was a crowd around her again, and she could hear one man on a cell phone, requesting an ambulance and medical emergency help. She checked for his pulse and was relieved to feel it steady. His fingers were smeared with blood and she could feel something sticky on her cheek where he had touched her. The whole left side of his suit and his arm was soaked through with warm blood. He moaned, unconscious.
"Nakago," she whispered, stroking his hair. "Nakago. Don't die. Please don't die."
Dis-moi simplement si tu veux de moi
Quand tu partiras là-bas
Vers ces dunes sèches de sable et de vent
Cet océan jaune et blanc
Perdu dans le désert
Tu es perdu dans le désert |
Only tell me that you still want me here
When you wander off out there
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow
In that dry white ocean alone
Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert |
--Anggun, La Neige au Sahara
It was five long hours before she was allowed to go in to see him. Stephan BeauSeigneur, she had given as his name to the nurses. According to the information in his wallet he was from France and had just arrived in New York from Maine, by train. The doctors who had operated on him had said he was in stable condition, suffering from a broken collarbone and fractured left arm.
"We thought his spine might have been broken from the impact with the car," explained the surgeon to Yui, "but luckily he suffered no damage to the spinal column."
Yui nodded, not trusting her voice.
"Are you family?" The surgeon looked her over, frowning, probably wondering how someone so obviously Asian could be related to a French man.
She shook her head, trying not to giggle out loud from relief at the thought of her being related to Nakago. Miaka giggled. Hongou Yui did not. "No. Just a friend."
"I think he's in good enough condition for you to see him, if you want to. He might be a little disoriented, so don't be alarmed if he doesn't recognize you."
"Yes sir," she said, following the surgeon down the stark, white hallway. The surgeon pushed open one of the doors on the side. BeauSeigneur, Stephan, read the plaque outside on the wall. He motioned her in and she entered hesitantly.
The room was dark, lit only by dim fluorescent lights in the corners. Lighted machines kept the company of the lone figure in the medical bed. As she took a step forward, the figure shifted.
"Nakago?"
"Yui-sama."
His voice sounded clear and perfectly lucid. She stopped at his bedside, looking down on his face. Blue eyes looked back at her.
"You scared me."
A wry smile. "I didn't think. It was just a reflex action, I suppose."
Her hands were shaking and she clenched them together to make them stop. "I thought I'd lost you too." Too late she realized what she had said.
His brow furrowed. "Too? What do you mean?"
She took a deep breath. "Nakago…I…"
"Yui-sama, tell me."
"Soi's dead."
He didn't speak for a long moment. The only sound in the room was the soft beeping of the machines, and then she became aware of a soft ticking sound. Alarmed, she looked down at him. There were tears slowly sliding down his cheeks and hitting the rough pillow on which his head rested.
"Nakago…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"
"It's not your fault." His voice was choked, trembling. He closed his eyes.
"You just didn't remember…"
"Oh, I remember now." The words were bitter, self-wounding. "I remember too much now."
"Nakago, I-"
"I remember everything."
"Don't blame yourself."
"I saw Soi…it was a long time ago." Yui let him talk. "I was a little more wild, then, and I saw her in a bar…"
"She told me," Yui whispered.
"If only I had recognized her then…"
Yui felt like crying. "I'm so sorry, Nakago."
"No, don't be. It's my fault…"
She felt an inordinate surge of anger. "No it's not! I don't understand why all of you want to take the blame for what I did…my actions were my own fault!"
"Don't try to make excuses for what I did, Yui-sama." He turned his face away from her, tears still streaking his cheeks. "I used you, and you suffered for it. I used Soi…I used Amiboshi and Tomo and all of you. I was such a blind fool."
"Not anymore," she whispered. "Not anymore, Nakago. You saved my life today."
"Ironic isn't it? Back then the only reason I would have saved you was because I wanted my wish from Seiryuu."
"How do you feel?" she wondered, trying to turn the subject.
"Like shit," he said frankly, earning a stare from her. He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "How do you feel?"
"I'm glad you're alive."
"I should have died. Soi died…if I had died I could maybe be with her right now. I loved her, you know."
"She never believed that."
Stephan - Nakago - shook his head. "No. I never let her believe that. I couldn't believe that I needed her…that she could love someone like me. I remember it all now…Have you found any other seishi?"
"Just you and Soi and Amiboshi."
"They all remembered?"
"Yes. They recognized me at once when they saw me. I was…I was wondering why you didn't…"
He shook his head slowly. "Strange. It seems as if I've always remembered…now. I don't understand why I didn't gain memories back sooner."
"Nakago-"
He held up one hand. "No. I'm not Nakago anymore. I failed you, I failed Soi…as a seishi everything I did was wrong."
"S-Soi said something about second chances," Yui said softly. "I think she desperately wished for you to have one. To know yourself…for me to know you. If that's possible still."
There was a rap on the door. The surgeon.
"Excuse me, Miss Hongou, but the patient really needs to rest."
"I'll be just a minute."
The head disappeared, and she looked back down at him. His blue eyes were turned towards the wall.
"Nakago?"
He looked back at her again, and while there were still tears on his cheeks, he was smiling. A little sadly, but he reached out a hand to clasp hers.
"I-I think I'd like that," he said. "And if Soi wanted it, I think I could try."
Kooritsuku yo na sabaku o
Zutto aruite iru you da
Watashi o unda sono ai wa
Ima no chikara o yurusu darou ka?
Aishi kata o shiranain da
Aisare ta koto ga nai kara |
It is like I have been walking
Forever through a frozen desert
Would the love that bore me
Forgive the power that I have now?
I don't know how to love
Because I have never been loved |
--Fushigi Yuugi, Blue Eyes...Blue (Nakago)
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