Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.
VI. Emptiness
If I could change anything,
Then I would wipe the years away
If I could change anything
Then I would change everything
These bitter days shall remain
You carry your blues behind your eyes
Don't flatter yourself I will survive
So carry your blues, your own denial
Your feathers are gone, you'll never fly |
--Nine Days, Bitter
"I was born in France. My father was a businessman, and my mother stayed home and took care of the children. Typical family." Stephan placed a steaming roll on Yui's plate.
Outside the large glass window, the New York traffic flowed by in waves. The setting sun shone in prisms over the Empire State Building and World Trade Center. Far out in the harbor, the Statue of Liberty gleamed with an otherworldly light. Yui sat back in her seat with a sigh, murmuring a thank you as the waiter poured her some more ice water.
Stephan had been released from the hospital in an amazingly short time. His injuries weren't serious, and after a few more tests, the baffled doctors had concluded that the bones were already in the process of knitting themselves back together. When she'd asked him on the ride back to her hotel, Stephan told her that any injuries he had always healed very quickly, especially when he had been a child. Yui suspected it was more his seishi power than anything biological.
He shrugged when she told him. "Could be. That's probably a good guess."
He hadn't been very talkative the whole ride back, and she had not forced him into conversation. When they reached the hotel, he had handed the driver a large tip and then got out of the taxi with her.
"Aren't you going back to your hotel?"
He hadn't answered, his blue eyes far away.
"Would you like to join me for dinner?"
Nakago asking her to dinner? "Tonight?"
"Of course."
It had been early evening then and the sun was beginning to set. "Let me run up and change, and then I'll be glad to."
He had smiled, but it looked tired and forced. Yui was in and out in less than five minutes, praying he hadn't changed his mind. He was still there in the lobby, waiting.
The restaurant that he took her to was small, but the view outside the window where they were sitting was stunning. The entire city of Manhattan lay before them in the setting sun, with the ocean sparkling just beyond, the ships coming and going from the harbor, and the Statue of Liberty visible in the distance.
"The vision that I saw in Tomo's shin…this reminds me of it."
"I never did figure out why you kept that." Yui took a bite of her salad.
Stephan put down his fork, gazing out at the city. "I never really either. I went to look for his body and it was the only thing left. I suppose I didn't believe he was actually dead. I never believed Tomo could die. Tomo and Soi and you and I…we were the invincible ones."
She could still detect the slight hitch in his voice when he spoke of Soi. "I'm sorry, Nakago," she said again. "I wish I could have been of some help. Anything, anything at all."
He looked at her then, his blue eyes catching the evening light and reflecting prisms of tears. "I've had two days to think, Yui." His hand strayed towards his water glass but he did not drink, just traced the beads of water trickling down the sides.
"I did some horribly wrong things, as Nakago. I could blow it off and blame it on my childhood, or the fact that I never had anyone close to me. But I think that now, in this life, as Stephan BeauSeigneur, I've finally done some things right. Do you know what I mean?"
Yui nodded, eyes fixed on his.
"I take full responsibility for what I did to you in Kutou. It was wrong of me. I wish I could apologize to S-Soi, but I suppose I came too late. I hope she can hear me in heaven, if she's there. I can't imagine her not being there. I used her too, and it was wrong…"
She reached across the table to grasp his hand, taking it in her small one. "Stephan."
"You've found three of us and I have a feeling the others are here somewhere too on this earth. If you find them…tell them what I told you. If they will hear it."
"I can't imagine them not wanting to hear it."
Stephan was silent for a moment. The sun had mostly set now, and the city was a blaze of lights moving in the blackness, like rainbow fireflies.
"I loved Soi," he said at last. "All my life I've felt I was waiting for someone…and it was her. I never told her how I felt. She never knew me. I met her, I used her, and then I left her. It was the same."
"She said she dreamed about you." Yui met his gaze. "She never gave up on you. Not then, not ever. Believe me." She clasped her other hand over his. "She meant what she said about second chances, and I know you've taken yours."
He started to say something, but she shook her head. "I forgive you absolutely for what you did. You're not the same person you were and I'm not either. It was a long time ago…I want to know you and the others as friends, not as old enemies. And I think we can do that. I think we've made a start."
His grip tightened on hers, and he smiled, lighting up his eyes, and Yui felt something in her heart give way, the last bitter memories of him falling away, melting under the blue eyes of a man who was trying to make the past right.
"Don't you think so?"
His eyes were full of tears, but he was still smiling.
"Yui…thank you."
Nee hoshii mono wa anata dake to
Kieru you na koe ga kanashi-sugite
Mou shindemo ii ai no hate de
Muku ni natta hada ga shinjitsu da yo
Ah me wo tojite mitsume-ai
Kegarezu ni ochite yuku |
I say that my only desire is you
In a dying voice that is heartbreaking
Now I can die at the farthest reach of love
Where your purity is my reality
Ah, closing our eyes we find each other
Falling without fear of sin |
--Weiss Kreuz, Shindemo Ii
She gave him Jeff's phone number in the hotel lobby when he walked her back that night. "His cell number. But don't call too late because his roommate likes to go to sleep early. And he's a professional musician so I don't know when he'll have it turned on. I'm sure directors don't like it ringing in the middle of rehearsal."
Stephan pocketed the slip of paper, then scrawled his own number and email on another sheet. "Thanks. Here's mine if you need it. If you get in touch with any of the others, let me know."
"I will. I'm going to Europe next week so I won't be back in the States in a while, but I will let you know. Good luck with Amiboshi."
He flashed her another grateful smile and then hugged her tightly. "Thank you for everything, Yui. Look me up when you get back."
"I will," she whispered. "Arigatou."
He gave her another smile and then disappeared out the doors.
Her room was dark and cold. She hadn't closed the window this morning, and the Do Not Disturb sign on the door had prevented the maids from coming in and cleaning the room. Yui turned on the lights, taking off her coat and hat, then slipped out onto the balcony of her room, taking in the night air. It was slightly dusty and smelled of car exhaust, but she lingered out on the balcony, watching the city lights and the movement of traffic up and down Broadway.
She wondered what Tetsuya was doing. He was probably back in Philadelphia by now, preparing to go to bed, to go to work the next morning. If he hadn't gone without her, she would never have met Stephan.
Fate worked in strange ways.
The night air was warm, but Yui shivered. She needed a shower and bed. It had been an exhausting day. The scrapes on her face and hands and knees still hurt, and she thought of Stephan, walking off into the lonely night.
Soi would be happy, if she knew.
She was like Soi. Always alone. Soi had Nakago now, though he might not believe it. But Yui had no one. Tetsuya…she had never really had Tetsuya anyway. And she had never really wanted him, not as she imagined she would want someone she loved with her whole heart.
What's wrong, Yui-sama? she imagined his voice in her head, the painfully innocent blue eyes peering at her.
Suboshi, I'm lonely.
With a sigh she stepped back inside and shut the door. It was too late and she was too tired. Tomorrow she would return to Philadelphia.
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know? |
--MuLan, Reflection
The train trip back to Philadelphia was uneventful, and the Grants welcomed her back enthusiastically. Will had planted some flowers while she was away, but had saved some for her. After she had unpacked her luggage and put everything away, she went to work in the garden.
At dinner she told the Grants about her trip, saying that she had left New York early because she wanted plenty of time to prepare for her trip to Europe, which was next week. She'd called Andy the day before she left for New York, making sure she had plenty of money ready, just in case, and then called the travel agency to make sure the tickets were in order.
"What countries?" wondered Will as Barbara cleared away the dinner table.
"England and Italy and Greece," Yui said. "I've never been to Europe before. It sounds fun."
"How long will you be gone?"
"About two weeks, I think." She ticked off days on her fingers. "Yes, exactly two weeks."
Barbara beamed. "That'll be great! The day after you come back is Will's birthday, and we just called up all the relatives. Our children are definitely coming, so you'll get to meet them. I know a lot of the relatives are excited to meet you."
Yui made some gracious replies, not nearly as excited about meeting the relatives as they probably were about meeting her, and escaped upstairs as soon as possible. The evening was warm and she had opened her window again to let the breeze in.
She turned on the lamp on Steven's bedstand, settling down on the blue comforter to write her letter to Miaka and the others. She had given up writing on the desk. The desk was hard and lifeless, while the comforter was soft and fluffy, warm and alive. She glanced at the picture of the girl on the bedstand again and wondered what kind of person Steven was. He had looked fairly lively in the pictures she had seen of him, compared to his older brother and sister.
She debated whether to tell them about Jeff and Stephan, and then decided against it. They'd find out sooner or later from Tetsuya anyway, but she couldn't help feeling that she was betraying the trust of her seishi by telling the girl who had once been their enemy. A petty excuse, but she hadn't told them about Soi either, so why should this matter?
Yui wrote in silence, listening to the wind move in the trees outside as the last of the sunrays vanished behind the roofs of the houses. She had brought her CDs, but Steven's room did not have a CD player, nor did it have a radio. Perhaps she'd go out tomorrow after work and buy herself a discman to take to Europe.
Finishing with the letter, she put it aside and then stared up at the ceiling. The light cast an yellowish glow over the white surface, and the silence seemed to be trying to worm a hole through her. She debated calling Tetsuya and then decided against it. He probably didn't want to talk to her anyway, and she didn't blame him.
What do you do when you lose someone you loved?
There was no answer. She waited for a moment, and then gave a soft laugh. She was talking to herself again. She imagined someone sitting at the foot of her bed, a tousled head of blond hair and a pair of bright eyes. Don't be sad, Yui-sama.
I feel empty.
The eyes smiled at her but made no reply, and she let her mind drift back to the present. Daydreaming again. She never used to daydream, had thought herself a very down-to-earth person. Flights of fancy were more Miaka's thing than hers, but here she was imagining herself talking to one of her seishi who wasn't even here.
He had been the only one in her life who had ever listened to her. The others…even Miaka, Keisuke, Tetsuya…pretended to listen and then waltzed away unconcerned. Suboshi had listened. He had understood, and he had accepted.
"Stupid," she muttered to herself as she sat up on the bed. Suboshi wasn't here right now to listen to her gripe about Tetsuya, and even he might not understand. He had never been in a relationship before.
He might have understood, if you hadn't rejected him.
I didn't reject him. I was looking out for his own good.
Groaning, she crawled off the bed. It was far too late at night to be arguing with herself. Suboshi wasn't here right now, whatever the case, and talking to herself wouldn't help a thing. Besides, she was far too occupied to fall in love again now.
Fall in love?
She blinked, staring at the reflection of herself in the wall mirror across from the bed. Ridiculous! She wasn't in love with him…had never been in love with him. She didn't love anyone right now.
And Suboshi wasn't here.
Juusei wa hibiki arasoi wa tsuzuitemo
Tooi sora no shita to sakebu
Itsu no hi ka boku ni subete o iyaseru you na
Uta o tsukuru chikara o kure
You're my precious
Everything must pass |
Even when gunshots echo and war never ends
I cry out under the faraway sky
Someday, please give me the power
To be able to heal all pain
You're my precious
Everything must pass |
--Glay, Saville Row
|
