Disclaimer: Kojiro belongs to Musashi. Musashi belongs to Kojiro. As for Satoshi, Kasumi, no-eye man and the Pokies...I don't care who you say they belong to, but they're not mine, that's for sure!
Inability
by Hino
June 2nd
11:03 PM
Careless is an understatement. I am a monster.
I've destroyed the heart of the one thing that's important to me.
And now she doesn't even know - she'll never know - why my practices were as I had them. She thinks I did it becuase I hate her. In her eyes, all I am is an unstable southern boy who's so paranoid that he can't confront his own emotions.
His own...
Enemies.
And they have her locked away with her one and only.
That is-
Other than me.
~~~
"Zenigame, I choose you!"
"Zeniiiii!"
Satoshi hurled the monster ball through the air straight at Musashi's face. She stood in shock at his wild action and would've had a broken nose if I hadn't pushed her out of the way. Just as we crashed to the ground, the Monster Ball paused in midair. The turtle leapt out of it's confinement and, just as Musashi took out her fan to "teach me a lesson," blasted us into a tree.
I kept my eyes closed and my arms around Musashi as the turret of water battered us against the wood. It seemed like forever. Strips of bark began to peel away and were flaking back against my drenched uniform, and the Monster was still going at it. It was one huge sickly twisted sandwich - the Zenigame, the water, Musashi, me, and the tree. The goddamned tree, the goddamned Monster. For the life of me I tried to slip away from the water but the pressure it was putting on Musashi kept us stuck. Even with her blocking most of the water I felt like I was drowning, but I don't know if it would've been better if I was guarding her from the water instead. I might have crushed her against the tree, and that's a lot worse than being a little waterlogged.
Finally he let up, and Musashi and I fell to the ground completely beat. Both of us just lay there, gasping for breath, assuming Satoshi knew we were giving up. After all, even after all we go through, we always retreat in the end.
But no, it just can't be enough for him. Here comes the Pikachu. Same as always. With the abuse he puts us through, this kid deserves to be locked up more than me and Musashi. Fuck it, we weren't even trying to steal any of his Monsters, yet he attacks us with a vengance. We were all eating dinner, not harming a soul, when Nyasu heard a shriek. He dashed up a tree to see what was going on and...
That was the last we saw of him.
...No, that's not true.
We saw the Onidrill carry him off to it's nest.
All the swears in the world wouldn't bring him down.
***
I erupted into tears. Musashi broke down and let herself and cry along with me. I'd never lost a close friend before, and wasn't taking it well. But Musashi...she's always there when it gets really bad. I curled up in her arms and wept like there was no tomorrow. I was sobbing louder than I could scream but Jessie was silent as she wept into my hair. When she had stopped crying and looked at me, Musashi sighed, layed me down in my sleeping bag, zipped it up and dried the tears from under my eyes, down my cheeks and neck and shoulders and all the places where tears go when you burst into misery.
I've never had a moment when her touch didn't change my mood. Either it went down if she was whacking me with something, or up if it was anything else.
Despite this, I couldn't stop, and my eyes searched through my blurred emotions to find Musashi's for help.
It's the same place I always look when I need guidance.
At my gaze Musashi's expression softened even more, and she began to cry again. Without opening the sleeping bag, she slipped her slender form in next to me and let me bury my face in the crook of her neck. She snaked one arm around my torso, and intertwined her legs with my own. With the other arm she stroked my hair. I clung to her like the blanket I had when I was a baby.
In a whisper she spoke into my ear, "Let it out Kojiro. I'll stay with you."
God, I love her.
Musashi respects my intellegence enough not to say something like "it'll be alright" after someone like Nyasu has died.
I don't think she intended it, but in the embrace Musashi had me in I had never felt more turned on in my entire life. Even though I had no control over it, my sick mind disgusted me, and slap that together with "Your teammate is dead" and a person can get a little...
Enraged.
"I'll kill it," I murmered, then tore myself away from Musashi and let out Utsubot.
"Utsubot, get us up to that nest," I pointed to where the Onidrill had taken Nyasu, and with that the Monster was away. I didn't look back. There was a slight lurking fear that Musashi would hate me for this, but at the moment my head was so entirely screwed backwards I care.
The Onidrill was sleeping with it's head under a wing, covering it's eggs...
And Nyasu's mangled carcass.
"Strangle her. The neck is huge; you should have no problem," I whispered to my Monster. But then the eggs caught my attention again, and before Utsobot could start I held my hand out. "Never mind - just restrain her."
Utsubot squinted and eyed me curiously. I suppose it had a right to; it didn't even attack me when I let it out of it's Ball. "Wake her and let her watch."
The giant plant looked slightly disturbed, and looking back, I'd be lying if I said I could blame it. The Onidrill screeched in horror and fought my Utsubot with all her might as I picked up her six eggs one by one and crushed them in my fist, letting the yolk run through my glove.
"Niiiiiiiiiii!" the bird shrieked as I murdered it's posterity. And I was enjoying it.
She just had to pay...
Oh, god.
The sixth egg had developed more than the others. When I crushed the shell nothing oozed through my fingers, so I opened my hand and looked to see what was wrong.
Me.
I was what was wrong.
A tiny embryo lay in my palm,
Gasping for breath...
"NO!"
It stopped breathing. Lying there in my open hand, it ceased living.
No, that's not true...
I killed it.
In my trance I didn't realize my all the yolk had made the branch I was standing on quite slick, and with my head feeling as heavy as it was right now my balance was distorted and it was easy as pie for me to slip and fall.
Utsubot didn't even try to catch me. I was almost glad. But then...
*He* came in.
"Fushigidane, catch Kojiro before he falls!"
"Fooo-shiii!"
Vines shot out from Fushigidane's back and wrapped around my waist. They lowered me to the ground, and Utsubot remained where he was, still restraining the Fearow. She was still struggling, and had begun to cry.
Satoshi-tachi ran up to me, but Musashi remained on my sleeping bad where she had been when I went into the tree.
But she was sitting up.
"My god, Kojiro, are you alright?" Kasumi looked me over, obviously worried, as were the other two. "We were camping a little ways from here and heard a scream. Sato-chan thought it sounded like you, so we went to have a look." Here she smiled. "And it's a good thing we did, cuz otherwise you'd be dead right now."
"Like it matters. Get out." Musashi ordered in a deadening tone. She had sneaked up behind us without notice and looked like she could tear the heart out of a baby and smile of her deed. The glint of dried tears streaked her face and she glared daggers at Satoshi.
She was numb to the bone.
"But why?" a little puppydog expression sprung up onto my face - it comes naturally when I'm upset - and I cocked my head to the side. "They just saved me."
Musashi's eyes shot in my direction and bored a hole into my skull. "Because I want them gone." Her voice was rock solid and had a strong emphasis on the last syllable.
Always the one quick to jump, Satoshi stood up and barked back in Musashi's tear-striken face. "I don't think so! You're up to something, aren't you?"
You see, a thick-headed boy like Satoshi doesn't know when to give up, even if he's looking down the barrel of a gun. Without warning the boy plucked a Monster Ball from his belt, turned back his hat and screamed-
***
The worst emotion a person is able to experience is when they cease all ability to feel. The body shuts down in preparation for the breakdown, and while the person wants to cry, to scream, to bellow their heart out, they are physically unable to do so. Tears well up under the eyes, but are stopped from coming out. Most motion is redirected to the throat. A ball forms up, and speech fails. And after all we've been through in the past ten minutes...
Musashi was definetly at this point.
She broke out in a sweat quite apparent to the eye and turned deadly white, and in a flash had flung an object directed at Satoshi's face. It flew through the air with a blur and was about to collide when my brain ticked and I realized-
She *is* up to something, isn't she?
My muscles bunched and I sprung up in front of the object Musashi had meant for Satoshi. It hit me square in the chest and I was hurled to the ground, doubled over from the impact. Whatever it was that Musashi had thrown had sharp edges, and tears sprung from the corners of my eyes in the shock. I gasped in pain and clutched my stomach, but the gasps of Satoshi-tachi behind me were still audible, even through my muffled sobs.
Musashi strode over to me slow as a snail, stopping at my feet. With my head still doubled over into my lap I couldn't see the gun, but I heard her take the saftey off as she pointed it in the general vicinity of Satoshi-tachi. Her tone was strong and what she ordered was utterly simple.
"Go."
The three twerps turned and fled like threatened children.
Although...
I guess that's what they were.
How ironic my descriptions are, eh?
If you practice for years, it's easy to keep your mind focused away from terror even if it's staring you in the nose. All you have to do is direct every ounce of your attention to one thing - a blowing leaf, someone's voice, even the beat of your own heart...but if your heart is loud enough to be able to hear, you'd better damned well pay attention if you don't want your ass kicked.
Screw my theories. Musashi was towering over me and I was scared out of my mind.
I didn't even know what was wrong.
What a fool I am.
Musashi's eyes slitted and she peered down at my cringing form. She looked me over, then turned her back. The forest was silent, save my thumping heart. And Musashi...you couldn't even hear her breath.
You would think that she was dead.
It was a while before she spoke. There were sobs in her voice and I could tell, though her back was still turned, that silent tears were once again streaming down her face. Her voice barely broke a whisper, but in the dead quite of the forest it was clear as a bell.
"I really thought you loved me."
My throat swelled up and try as I might I was unable to speak. She was waiting for me though, and I knew something had to be said. As faintly as it came out Musashi was able to hear my whisper...
"But I do."
Musashi whirled on me and I readied myself for whatever was to be thrown. My hands shot up to cover my face but when nothing came towards me I brought myself to peek through. And there stood my Musashi, sobbing like a child. Minutes went by, and then she began. There was no hesitation in her words.
"Let me tell you something Kojiro, something you're going to need to remember. I am not to be toyed with. You're no idiot Kojiro, yet you act so clueless. I never knew how sad you were. I never knew because you never said a damned thing! I don't care how scared you are of me. If our relationship is at the point where you can release your anger only writing, if you feel that you have no one to talk to except a book, then I think you've got to wake up and knock some sense into your own thick head-"
She paused and I couldn't help but wonder why. It was obvious she wasn't done with me yet.
Then I realized what she had thrown.
"Oh, no," I stuttered, staring in horror at your battered form.
The currents of tears continued to flow down Musashi's face as she responded. "If I had known how you felt I never would've done the things I do to you. I'm leaving. There's no reason for me to stay." Then she turned to go.
I leapt up, threw you to the ground and ran after her, screaming my heart out. "Musashi no! Don't leave me, please! Those things I wrote...I didn't mean them!" Thankfully she paused and turned around. I caught up to her and put my hands on her shoulders and pulled her to me.
She cringed at my touch.
"Musa-chan, sometimes at the end of the day I just get so angry, and usually it's not because of you-"
*SLAP*
My hand shot up to my blood red cheek and my eyes sprung tears from the sting. She eyed me with disgust, then grabbed my chin and screamed into my face. "Don't you know when to stop?! It's always my fault, and it's always *been* my fault. Stop making goddamned excuses for me!" She threw me to the ground, turned around and walked off, muttering under her breath, "Not that you'll ever need to."
~~~
Her arrest wasn't a big deal. Just another Rocket Dan bimbo locked away. All she got to her credit was a tiny, one-column police log report on the back inside cover of some low-budget paper. Fifteen years. I don't know whether to cry scream or to curl up on the ground and let the maggots eat away at my hollow carcass. Let them feast, for I have no joy left and my body is an empty house for the soul that once resided therein. But it is gone now, and I have no reason to go on. My conscious will not let me live any longer since all I'm doing is wasting space. Actually, I think that's all I've ever done right.
Thus is the end of my days with you, dear journal, as I lay you down to burn in the dying fire, like the one in Musashi's eyes, and the one in my heart. May the maggots aid nicely in the decay of your ashes, as they will for mine. If you have a soul, may it rot in hell. You and me journal, we're quite a pair. I was careless enough to let you ruin my life, and now I am doing my best to destroy you. Farewell dear journal, until the day we meet again.