Matt, Adam, Michael, Mike, and Sam vs. Dragonball Z, Pt. 2
Act 13
(Reality is rebuilt... blah blah blah... disregard Act 12...)
Matt: We won! (Cuts a building in half just for the Hell of it)
Adam: Yeah! (Tries to do an intricate set of maneuvers, but the sword will not move.) ...huh?
Sword of Omens: Fuck you!
Adam: God damn it!
Sword of Omens: No! Fuck you! I ain't lettin' no pussy perform an intricate set of maneuvers on me! Fuck that!
Adam: ... (Puts Sword of Omens in sheathe)
Sam: I WILL SURVIVE!
Mike: (Drops ten ton pile of weaponry) But you already died!
Sam: Blast you, Zechs!
Mike: ...I'm Mike.
Sam: Blast you,... M... M... Zechs!
Mike: No! It's Mike! M-I-K-E!
Sam: Blast you,... Z-E-C-H-S!
Mike: (Walks away)
Sam: ...blast you!
Michael: (Walks out of kitchen) Who wants pie?! (Suddenly trips over a small, round object. He falls and hits himself in the face with the pie.)
Everybody: (Laughs)
Michael: (Turns around and picks up the object) Hey! This is a Dragonball! With all 7 of these, we can wish the Z-Warriors dead!
Matt: Or for more pie!
Everybody: ...
Matt: Or not. (Whisper) Bitches. I just wanted some pie.
Adam: Let's gather these BALLS then!
Everybody: Heh-heh.
Mike: These BALLS will be HARD to find!
Everybody: Heh-heh.
Matt: It's gonna SUCK having to find these BALLS!
Everybody: Heh-heh.
Michael: I'll use my WOOD to find the BALLS!
Everybody: Heh-heh.
Sam: My balls are meaningless.
Everybody: ...
Sam: *Ahem!* My BALLS are meaningless.
Everybody: Heh-heh.
End Act 13
Act 14
(Piccolo walks into Goku's house, where everybody has inexplicably met. His skin is yellow.)
Piccolo: Hi, guys!
Krillin: Yellow? Why?
Piccolo: It's not gay! Right, Green Lantern?
Green Lantern: AIEEEE! TRAITOR! (Flies off)
Yamcha: So, we need to kill those guys, right?
Chaozu: Why?
Yamcha: DO NOT QUESTION ME! I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN! (Kills Chaozu)
Puar: Didn't I kill you?
Yamcha: ...Oh yeah! (His body decomposes in a fraction of a seond)
Vegeta: (Faints)
Chaozu: So I'm not dead?
Puar: No, you are.
Chaozu: ... (Dies)
Goku: Like I was saying, let's go! C'mon, Gohan!
Gohan: Fuck you, daddy! I just got my shipment of X-Men #1-350 and my Sailor Moon hentai videos! I'm checking them all out right now!
Goku: Do you want a spanking, Gohan?
Gohan: (Mocking) No! Don't rape me again!
Oolong: Yeah, GAYku!
Goku: Okay. That's it. I'm killing everybody.
Puar: NOOOOOOOOO! (Goes Super Saiyan and KO's Goku)
Vegeta: I'm going home. You guys suck.
End Act 14
Act 15
(At a large convention...)
Bald Midget 1: Krillin! Chaozu! WASSSSSAAAAPPPP?!
Krillin and Chaozu: WASSSSSAAAAPPPP?! Hey! It's Bald Midget 1!
Bald Midget 1: Hold on, my brother's on the other line... WASSSSSAAAAPPPP?!
Bald Midget 2: (On phone) WASSSSSAAAAPPPP?!
Krillin and Chaozu: (Into phone) WASSSSSAAAAPPPP?!
Bald Midget 2: Nothin' much. Jus' havin' a Bud. Hey, Chaozu! I thought you were dead.
Chaozu: I am.
Everybody: ...
(Suddenly, in a fit of rage, Green Lantern obliterates the building.)
End Act 15
Act 16
(On King Kai's planet...)
King Kai: Hey, Bubbles. C'mere.
Bubbles: Ooka! Ooka!
King Kai: How come I'm a big, fat idiot, but I'm also one of the strongest people in the universe even though I'm not and I've never even trained and even if I did I'd only be training with a cool ass playboy monkey and a really fast bug... thingie?
Bubbles: Ooka! Ooka!
King Kai: Oh wait! Now I remember why I'm strong! I trained under the great and powerful "Grandmasta' Clint"!
Clint: (Appears) Hi, King Kai!
King Kai: Hi... what the Hell? I'm a King? Of what, France? I hate the French!
Clint: No. Your parents named you King. Your last name is Kai.
King Kai: I still hate the French.
Clint: (Puts his arm around King Kai) We all do, King Kai. We all do.
King Kai: If King Kai's my full name, then why not just call me King? Or Mr. Kai? Or even Kingy?
Gregory: He's very "kingy".
King Kai: Shut up.
Clint: (Stares at King Kai) Ha! Ha! Ha! (Suddenly, he senses something.) Oh no! There's a new power on Earth! One stronger than anything I've ever felt! ... I must go... Kingy. *Snicker!* ... INSTANT TRANSMISSION! (Teleports away)
King Kai: What a bitch.
End Act 16
Act 17
Intermission
Commercial: Please come visit our snack bar!
End Act 17
Act 18
(Goku and Piccolo slowly fly North)
Goku: So, are we gonna kill those guys?
Piccolo: No. I don't want to see them.
Goku: Why?
Piccolo: They called me gay.
Goku: Um, aren't you?
Piccolo: ...
Goku: Of course you are.
Piccolo: (Stares)
Goku: ...I mean, of course you are.
Piccolo: (His lips quiver)
Goku: I mean... of course you are.
Piccolo: (Cries)
Goku: AREN'T! OF COURSE YOU AREN'T! ... Hey! Isn't that Matt and Adam down there?
Piccolo: ... *Sniff!* ... Matt? I'm not goin'.
Goku: Aw, c'mon.
Piccolo: He'll call me gay! Yellow isn't a gay color, is it?
Goku: Of course it is. SHIT! ISN'T! ISN'T!
Piccolo: (Crying) Whatever. Let's go.
(They fly down. Matt and Adam hold a total of four Dragonballs.)
Matt: These HARD to find BALLS sure are heavy!
Adam: Yeah... HEAVY BALLS!
Matt and Adam: Heh-heh.
Goku: Let's go, bitches!
Matt: Piccolo! I'm fighting you!
Piccolo: NO! GOD NO! FIGHT GOKU!
Goku: Actually, I was going to go home and let you fight both of them.
Piccolo: What?
Matt: Hey! Piccolo! What's with the yellow skin?
Piccolo: (Quickly flies off)
Adam: Good one!
Goku: You've won this time, but we'll be back. INSTANT TRANSMISSION! (Teleports away)
Matt: So... uh, we won?
Adam: ...yeah... sure. Hey! Is that a Dragonball?
Matt: That's five! Let's go home! (Leaves)
End Act 18
Act 19
(Krillin and Chaozu are hovering above a forest in Northern Oregon.)
Krillin: So... uhhh... Mike and Michael are down there?
Chaozu: Yeah. I guess. Hell, I don't know.
Krillin: 'k.
(Below, Michael swings through the trees. Mike lags behind, dragging enough weapons to obliterate Eurasia.)
Mike: So, there's only one ball here? *Huff!*
Michael: Yep.
Mike: *Huff!* Why do I gotta *Wheeze!* carry these weapons? *Pant!*
(Suddenly, Michael is hit by... a fist.)
Chaozu: I'll finish you now!
Krillin: Bald midget transforming power! ACTIVATE!
Chaozu: Bald midget transforming power! ACTIVATE!
(Krillin and Chaozu suddenly explode. Their body parts reform into one being. A bald midget.)
Krilzu: Prepare to die!
Michael: Uhnn... no! Fuck you!
Mike: (Slowly unzips 3-ton bag of weaponry.)
Krilzu: HYPER DESTRUCTO DISC! (Throws a really fast disc.)
Michael: NO! (Bats it away)
Mike: Hold... on... I'm... coming... (Still unzipping)
Krilzu: ...HYPER PUNCH! (Punches Michael)
Micheal: AAARRRGGGHHH! (Knocked out)
Krilzu: Time to finish this! BIGTIMEHURTYOUKILLBEAMTHINGI ETHAT- HURTSREALLYBAD! (Shoots a beam)
Mike: NOOOO! *Wheeze!*
(Suddenly, a being teleports in front of the beam. It is Clint. He knocks it away.)
Clint: Ha! Ha! (Teleports away)
Mike and Krilzu: ...
Krilzu: NO! (His transformation wears off.)
Krillin: Shit. Let's go home. (Leaves)
Chaozu: 'k. (Leaves)
Mike: (Fires gun he just pulled out of bag) Yeah! You better run! Hey... a Dragonball!
Michael: Let's go home. (Leaves)
Mike: 'k. (Leaves)
End Act 19
Act 20
This act has been left without content for comedic effect.
Thank you.
End Act 20
Act 21
(Sam wanders meaninglessly through a random government facility.)
Sam: This wandering... it is meaningless.
Puar: Prepare to die!
Sam: Dying is meaningless.
Puar: Then... isn't life?
(Sam and Puar enter into a lengthy discussion about the meaning of life.)
Sam: I'll kill you. (Rips up party invitation which has appeared from nowhere.)
Puar: ...? Whatever. (Lets out primal scream of rage and goes Super Saiyan.)
Sam: Mission... accepted. (Fires blast of energy from his beam cannon.)
Puar: (Stands his ground.)
Sam: (Suddenly stops) I am the true haeart of space. (Blows himself up.)
Puar: ...uh... I AM THE MAN!
Clint: (Teleports onto the scene) The great power is here! It's... it's you? (Looks at Puar)
Puar: What the Hell are you lookin' at?
Clint: I have been sent here to kill you.
Puar: Why?
Clint: ...
Puar: (Stares)
Clint: ...
Puar: (Turns to leave)
Clint: ... because you're gay! ... *Snicker!*
Puar: It's go time!
Clint: Prepare to eat my ki blast! (Puts his hands together)
Puar: Huh?
Clint: KAMEHAMEMICHAEL'SGAY... HAAAAAAA! (Forces his hands outwards)
Puar: (Waiting) ... (Waiting) ... (Waiting) ...
Clint: Shit! Lemme star over!
Puar: Fuck that! (Incinerates Clint)
End Act 21
Act 22
(On King Kai's planet...)
King Kai: I hate my name! I'm changing it to a symbol: :(
Clint: (Suddenly appears with a halo over his head) ...SHIT!...
End Act 22
Act 23
(Sam, his body badly burnt and bruised, drags a few objects behind him. One is the seventh Dragonball. The other is his left arm which was horribly blown off. Or meaninglessly blown off. Whatever.)
End Act 23
Act 24
(Sam limps into the warehouse.)
Sam: ...hi... (Blacks out from loss of blood.)
Matt: That was meaningless.
Adam: (Laughs)
Mike: Shouldn't we get him some medical attention?
Everyone: (Stares) (Laughs uncontrollably)
Mike: Ha! Ha! I guess not!
Sam: ... (Still bleeding)
Michael: So... let's use the Dragonballs!
Adam: Alright!
Matt: Eternal dragon! I command you now! Hear my howl! To make my wish come truuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeee!
Shenlong: (Appears) WASSSSSAAAAPPPP!?
Everybody: WASSSSSAAAAPPPP?!
Shenlong: Nothin' much, just grantin' some wishes. Havin' a bud. Hold on, I have Perunga on the other line. (Into phone) WASSSSSAAAAPPPP?!
Perunga: ...shut up, Shenlong.
Shenlong: You wanna dance, old dragon?
Perunga: Let's go! Bring it on!
Adam: Boys! Boys! Stop fighting!
Shenlong: ...sorry...
Perunga: ...yeah...
Sam: (Stops bleeding. No more blood left to lose.)
Matt: Time to make the wish!
(Meanwhile, outside...)
Ash: Ha! Ha! Although I have completed my quest to become a Pokemon master, I shall begin a new quest that has no particular goal!
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!
Brock: I'm gonna go oogle over that Nurse Joy over there.
Nurse Joy: (Reaches into her shirt and pulls out her bra. It dangles from her fingers.) C'mere, big boy!
Misty: While you're being seduced by Nurse Joy, I'm going to go with Togepi and have hot girl/girl sex with Officer Judy.
Psyduck: Psy! Psy!
Misty: Not Psyduck! Togepi!
Staryu: Yu! Yu!
Misty: Not Staryu! Togepi!
Meowth: Fuck you, bitch!
Misty: Not Meowth, Togepi!
Frieza: Za! Za!
Misty: Not Frieza! Togepi!
(This continues until all 251 (252?) Pokemon and also every character from Digimon, Monster Rancher, Cardcaptors, the entire Cold Family, and, Hell, even Monster in my Pocket makes an appeareance.)
Misty: Not Megakabuterimon! Togepi!
(Another figure appears)
Misty: Not Superdupercalifragilisticexp ialidociousdoubleomegaasswhu ppingkab- uterimon! Togepi!
Ash: Right...
(Suddenly, a flaming chunk of Sam's Gundam falls out of the sky, killing everyone there.)
(Back inside...)
Matt: Well, the wish has been made!
Mike: Well...?
Adam: Yeah! Are the Z-Warriors dead?
Matt: Damn! ... I mean... of course!
Michael: What's that behind your back?
Matt: ...
Adam: It's a pie, isn't it?
Matt: ... (Falls down and cries)
Adam: Fuck! [Message From Adam C.: What are you doing, Matt? I don't curse! I especially don't say fuck! I mean, the F-Word!]
(Message From Matt Ryan: Shut up. It's my story. Go write your own story if you don't want to curse! So suck on that!)
End Act 24
Act 25
Goku: (Flies around Mustard Town) Hey! Krillin! Can't you fly any faster than that?
Krillin: Argh! I can't take it anymore! I'll be the fastest in the universe! (Reaches his breaking point and goes Super Saiyan.)
Vegeta: ...oh Hell no.
Super Krillin: What?
Vegeta: You are the LAST one to go Super Saiyan, alright?!
Super Krillin: Sure. Don't have a cow.
Chaozu: "Don't have a cow"? No one says that anymore! That makes me so... ANGRY! (Goes Super Saiyan)
Vegeta: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Chaozu: Hey! Cool your jets, 'geta!
Vegeta: (Fires a blast. Blows up Pluto)
Puar (A Super Saiyan): (Flies far ahead of Goku. Farts.)
Yamcha: God no! Not a Super Saiyan fart! I'm going... over... THE EDGE! (Goes Super Saiyan)
Vegeta: I'm going home to hang myself, if you don't mind.
Gohan: (Reading comics) Yeah... sure... whatever...
Vegeta: (Goes home. Hangs himself. Dies.)
Yajirobe: (Slinks behind Super Krillin, who is now wearing a cape and his underwear on the outside in order to coincide with the name) Wow! Those guys are really powerful! What? I fell another power! It's... It's Raditz!
Raditz: Yes! It is I! Now I shall show you a true Super Saiyan! (Let's out a primal scream of rage. His 30 foot long hair turns gold.)
Yajirobe: I can do that too! (Goes Super Saiyan)
Raditz: I shall become an ascended Saiyan! (His hair lightens in color and grows to 50 feet. 3 people are smothered to death by it.)
Yajirobe: Oh yeah? Well... I'm fat!
Raditz: Bask in my power! (Goes Super Saiyan Level 2. His hair destroys a building.)
Yajirobe: Shit...
Raditz: MORE POWER! (Goes Super Saiyan Level 3. His eyebrows disappear. His hair grows to 500 feet. The death toll is at 118.)
Yajirobe: (Tipetoes away)
Raditz: NOW! THE ULTIMATE FORM! (Goes Super Saiyan Level 4. His hair returns to black. It levels the city.)
Yajirobe: (Gone)
Raditz: ...oh well. (Walks home)
End Act 25
Act 26
Intermission
Yajirobe: (On screen) Hi! I'm Yajirobe! When I'm in dire need of some instant health restoring goodness, I always turn to Green Giant Senzu Beans!
Jolly Green Giant: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Yajirobe: I'm fat! (Squashed by Giant)
End Act 26
Act 27
(In Japan...)
Japanese Lady: Hello! Welcome to Japan! We have happy fun good time, yes?
Shadowy Figure: Your king has returned, Japanese Lady.
Japanese Lady: Lord Joe!
Joe: Yes! It is I! Joe! Lord of Japan! Come, my slant-eyed slaves! We must destroy!
Japanese Lady: Destroy what?
Joe: (Laughs maniacly) America...
End Act 27
Act 28
Matt: (Badly beaten)
Adam: Y'know, you may have screwed up, but this pie is excellent! And so... yeah, I like pie.
Matt: Me too.
Michael: Yeah.
Mike: (Walks in) Mmmmmm... pie...
Sam: (Also walks in) Yes. Pie is quite meaningless.
Matt: Meaningless?
Adam: Aren't you dead?
Mike: Wait... haven't we done this scene before?
Matt: What?
Mike: The whole "pie is meaningless" thing.
Matt: Uh, I don't think so.
Everybody: ...
Matt: Whatever.
Adam: So... uh... pie is good?
Matt: Yes. Yes it is.
End Act 28
Act 29
(Vegeta hangs lifelessly from a rope at Capule Corporation HQ. Suddenly, Bulma walks in.)
Bulma: (Sees Vegeta) ... (Walks away)
End Act 29
Act 30
Matt: So.. we're like, royally screwed, right?
Mike: Yes. Yes, we are.
(Suddenly, the entire team of Z-Fighters enters. Bulma is dragging Vegeta's corpse. A group of maggots have eaten his right eye.)
Goku: This is the end for you!
Krillin: Prepare to go to the next dimension!
Adam: What...?
Krillin: You heard me!
Adam: ... the next dimension? What the Hell?
Krillin: ENOUGH! DESTRUCTO DISC! (He hurls a whirling blade at Adam. He jumps it. It slices Vegeta's corpse in half.)
Piccolo: (His skin is now a varitable cornucopia of colors.) {Note: He gotted rainbow skin} Ha! Ha! Now there is now way I can be a gay color!
Matt: ...rainbow skin? Are you kidding me?
Piccolo: ... it can't be!
Matt: Hold on! (Runs into Michael's room. Grabs a letter from the NGA {National Gayness Asociation} It reads, "Dear Michael, Our new official color is rainbow. Disregard all those letters about green, red, and yellow. Sincerely, Bob Gayness, Chairman.") See!
Piccolo: GAH! (He explodes)
Sam: That was...
Chaozu: SHUT THE HELL UP! (Punches Sam)
Sam: I will survive! (Leaps into his Gundam, grabs Chaozu, and hurls him into the sun.)
Tien: Michael is too strong! Vegeta! Help me!
Vegeta's Corpse: (His arm falls off)
Tien: Gohan! Help me!
Gohan: Go fuck yourself, you Goddamned circus freak.
Tien: (Bludgeoned to death by Michael.)
Puar: Mike! Once again, we battle!
Mike: (Shoots a barrage of bullets which spread in random directions)
Yamcha: (Dies)
Yajirobe: (Dies)
Gohan: (Dies)
Krillin: (Dies)
Bob Barker: (Dies)
Qeeqlegh: (Dies)
Relena Peacecraft: (Dies)
Batman: (Dies)
Vegeta's Corpse: (Dies... again)
Sailor Moon: (Dies)
Optimus Prime: (Dies)
George Washington: (Dies)
2Pac: (Dies)
The Three Stooges: (Die)
Ozzy Osbourne: (Bites the head off a bat. Dies.)
Eric Cartman: (Dies)
Yajirobe: (Dies again)
Puar: ... you missed me.
Clint: (Suddenly appears and stabs Puar in the eye)
Puar: You're dead!
Clint: Nobody ever really dies in the DBZ world!
Puar: ... oh yeah.
Vegeta's Corpse: ... *Cough!* ... my... my plan has worked! I can wipe out Kakarot, Puar, and that lesbian wife of mine in one fell swoop!
Trunks: Father! Don't!
Vegeta's Corpse... I mean, Vegeta: Trunks? You haven't even been born yet!
Trunks: Sure I have!
Vegeta: Nuh-uh!
Trunks: Yuh-huh!
Adam: Enough! Sword of Omens! Kick these bitches asses!
Sword of Omens: Now that's what I'm talkin' about! (Kills Vegeta, Puar, Goku, Bulma, Chi-Chi, Oolong, Master Roshi, Jerry Springer, and Yo Mama. Yes, I said Yo Mama.)
Adam: That's amzing!
Sword of Omens: ...fuck you... (Dies from exhaustion)
Adam: NOOOOO!
Matt: We won!
Sam: I will survive!
Matt: ... it's over. You did survive.
Sam: (His eyes widen) Mission...
Matt: SHIT! GET DOWN!
Sam: ... accept... just kidding.
Everybody: (Laughs)
End Act 30
Act 31
(A team of large eyed, animated warriors are on a carrier plane above the ocean.)
Joe: My legions! Come to me! Our attack shall begin soon!
Japanes Lady: Sir! Our happy fun attack shall begin in happy fun good soon time, yes?
Joe: ...what?
Japanese Lady: Ching-chong! Wing-wong!
Joe: ...anyway, my legions of anime and video game warriors shall win!
Japanes Lady: Yes!
Joe: SHUT UP! (He ki blasts her)
Japanese Lady: (Dies)
Joe: The first thing we must destroy... are the people who killed our Japanese brethren! The Z-Fighters must be avenged!
Legions of Warriors: Yeah!
End Act 31
Act 32
Matt: They're all dead.
Adam: Jeez...
Michael: I kind of feel sorry for them.
Mike: Yeah.
Sam: Their deaths were meaningless.
Clint: Let's bow our heads and pray.
(Two seconds later...)
Matt: Alright!
Adam: That was fun.
Michael: Who wants pie!
Mike: I do! I do!
Sam: I want some cherry... I mean... Mission... accepted!
Clint: Sweeet.
End Act 32
Act 33
Intermission
End Act 33
Act 34
(Suddenly, Clint is killed by a stray sword...)
Joe: DESTROY THEM!
Matt: Shit!
(One by one, Joe's team begins to win. Megatron rips Adam in half. Sam is killed in battle by Giant Robo. Mike's neck is snapped after Mario jumps on him. Michael is ran through by Link from the Legend of Zelda. Only Matt remains.)
Matt: You can't kill me! I'm the author of this story! I'll jjsut go back and delete my own death! Then, I'll kill you!
Joe: Nuh-uh! I am a God! (Goes Super Saiyan. Vegeta rolls in his grave)
Matt: Shit. (Killed by Joe)
End Act 34
Act 35
Narrator: And so, Joe went on to rule the world with an iron fist for the rest of his days. He changed his name to "High and Honorable Emperor =. Then Qeeqlegh changed his name to ~. They joined up with Vegeta and King Kai (Who had changed their names as well.) and became the boy band known as "Fuck You!"
And so, :), #, =, and ~ went on to a succesful musical career.
THE END
Vegeta: (Pops out of a drum a la Porky Pig) Buh-deep, buh-deep, buh-deep, that's all folks!
_
So, I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Why did he post this?" "Nobody read the first part!" "Where's part four of the Idiot's Guide to the Dragonball Saga?" Well, I can answer all those questions. I posted this because Mike's going away and I wanted to print it out and show it to him before he left. You're right, only about ten people read part one. Part four of the Idiot's Guide is half done. It's coming along quite nicely.
So, let me end this with the usual stuff. Visit my webpage at rpg/MATTSPAGE. It should be getting a major redesign. By the way, if you know of a good website and want me to post it on my links page, have a good website and want me to post it on my links page, or just want to give some general comments aside from the review, feel free to E-Mail me at superguymatt .
And now, some thanks yous.
Thank you to Adam, for being in homeroom every morning for me to make fun of and ridicule. Thank you to Michael for being so gay. Thank you to Mike for, um, being there. Thank you to Sam for being Sam. Thank you to Clint for being such a bitch. Thank you to Joe for being the coolest geek I know.
Also, thanks to Mike G., Micheal C., Nick A., Severina, CatMarieS (Kibou), Showndra Ridge, and Some Random Guy. Stay tuned for more stuff. I ain't done writin' yet.