That's Just The Way It Is: Chapter Three
By NikeGrrrrl
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Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or its characters, Squaresoft does.
I hope we all know that by now! Please don't use my ideas or my story without
my permission :-) That's not too much
to ask of ya, right? I would never ask too much of ya great guys! You're my
readers! You rule!
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Authors Note: Well, I put a lot of time into this story,
so it means a lot to me that you guys take a minute out of your day to write a nice
little review in the box. If you hate this story tell me so! But try to tell
what I did wrong so I can get better, ok?
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One last thing before I go: Thanks to DH and Chris who
sometimes are my pre-readers on this series! Thank for all the help guys! :-)
You are almost as cool as me! Hehe, j/k you're not near that cool! LOL I'm
kidding guys!
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Seifer Almasy heaved
his chest in and out in as he climbed up some mountain in Esthar which he
hadn't bothered to catch the name of. He had been hiking for over three days
and the incessant labor was just starting to get to the blonde ex-sorceress'
knight.
A cold stinging wind
gusted down from the shadows somewhere above him; biting at his already raw,
reddish nose. Grimacing, he started climbing a little faster; the sooner he
finished the better for his sake because the temperature was dropping faster
with every step toward the top he made.
He studied his
surroundings as he hurriedly made his way up to the cabin. Snow was sprinkled
around the ground sparsely, it looked almost like small patches of sugar spread
about. At the altitude there was hardly any foliage, mostly pine trees and tiny
patches of frozen ground with a little bit of grass.
Seifer thought about
what all that had took place in the past few weeks. Right after the last battle
with…Squall…Seifer still had resentment for his rival that he would carry with
him forever. All that he had ever wanted was to be happy, Squall had never
wanted anything but to follow orders! It just wasn't fair, but like Nadia said,
crying about things that he couldn't change wouldn't help anyone, especially
him.
After he had given
Rinoa to the sorceress he had followed Raijin and Fujin to their favorite
place, Balamb. They enjoyed fishing so he thought that he might as well humor
them and fish, too. The fish didn't take his bait all day, and then to help
matters Balamb Garden had flown by. A reminder of what he could never have
again. Failure is always hard to deal with, but realizing he had ruined his own
life was harder. He thought back to the hardest night for him, the one when he
met Nadia.
******
Walking down one of
Balamb's many back streets Seifer thought back to what had happened. The cold rain
pelted his body, but he hardly noticed it. To the blonde boy, this life was
over. Everything the ambitious young msn had hoped for, had dreamed for
was gone. All gone in an instant. He had had everything he could need to
achieve his dreams, then with no ones help but his own, he had destroyed
everything and everyone dear to him. Yes, and it hurt.
"So this is the feeling
that only the lonely know, it's an unmistakable feeling deep in your soul. It
makes you feel low, and I mean really low. Lower than I have ever
been before…" Seifer thought to himself helplessly as he walked without any
given purpose toward the beach. The wind picked up, and he could feel now that
he was soaked from head to toe. He dragged his feet against the black wet
asphalt and lowered his head to stare at his waterlogged boots.
The blonde boy frowned
to keep the tears back; he couldn't, he wouldn't let himself cry. Seifer
Almasy doesn't cry like a baby, he would be strong, he could make it through
this. Whenever the blonde boy thought it was starting to get better, this
feeling came back. He would try telling himself it would get better someday,
everything gets better, right? But this feeling was too real, too deep, he
didn't know if it was going to get better.
The rain started falling
harder from the dark starless sky above him. "In a room of people, even my only
two friends, I feel torn apart from them; not connected anymore. It seems no
one cares, even Fujin and Raijin think I'm just a nuisance. I hate it." Seifer
thought to himself as he got nearer to the dark sandy beach, it was now in his
sight. Why should he go on? The pain of living was getting to be too much for
even him to handle.
There wasn't a soul in
sight, after all most people stay indoors in Balamb after about ten o'clock
anyway. When the tavern cleared out, everyone was at home, asleep. Sleep, that
was something Seifer hadn't had much of these past few weeks. Maybe he was
scared to sleep, scared of what he might dream of. He had given up most hope of
ever being normal by now anyway.
Seifer watched the rain
smack the road and splatter into tiny droplets that would settle on the
pavement, and flow their way to the sewers or where ever else the rain went.
The beach was right in front of him now, sighing deeply he strode onto the wet
sand.
"It has to be me. What
did I ever do to deserve this fate? I'm sure there are people who are more evil
and deserve it more than me. I was happy once upon a time…I had everything,
love, happiness, fame. Everything I ever wanted. Now, all in an instance…Gone."
He thought darkly as he stared ahead of him to the water which he was nearing.
"Life ain't fair kid. Get used ta it, and
pull yur head out of dem clouds 'cause dreams ain't worth nothing but
heartache. They just be a wastin yur time, yull never be anythin, da people who
are were born fur greatness. And Is know greatness when I's see it." The words
that some grumpy old man had said to him in Fisherman's Horizon when he had
been younger. Why hadn't he listened? Would it be easier now if he had?
No, then he would be
more like Squall. So afraid of losing everything that he would never go for his
dreams, never live. He would rather be a sad, depressed, lonely, hated, cold,
wet, Seifer Almasy any day. But then why was he so depressed? The boy wanted to
be himself, but he just couldn't shake all of the feelings of loneliness,
failure, unhappiness, and most of all the fact that Squall was now holding
Rinoa in his arms and holding a nice position at Balamb Garden.
"I am all alone. It
seems like just yesterday that I was surrounded with people I love. It seems
that last summer was only a day ago, and I still had Rinoa's heart, and that I
was in love. Now look at me, walking alone in the cold rain thinking about past
memories of happiness. That's what will kill me, the memories." He thought. The
blonde boy was now right in front of the water at the beach, so many memories.
Him and Rinoa, how they had first met, he still had to smile at the memory in
spite of himself. Rinoa had changed him forever, she'd always hold a special
place in his heart.
Staring out over the
ocean he thought about her, she was probably with Squall having fun, being
happy. The strange thing was that, he was happy for her. He truly did love her.
Seifer never thought that he would ever love anything enough to be able to let
it go and be happy. The thought of it made him frown again, holding back tears.
The waves came in and
out, that was the day he stop loving her, the day the waves stopped coming in
at Mandy Beach, their favorite spot. Maybe, someday, he would see her again,
some place he would least expect it. He wondered if she ever would think of him
again…
"I can't stand thinking
about her anymore. She was once mine… Now laughing and joking…and loving
someone else…Squall. The thought makes me feel sick…" The ex-sorceresses knight
thought unhappily as he plopped down onto the wet sand softly. The wetness
didn't bother him, the blonde was already soaked from head to foot. The funny
thing was, he wanted Rinoa to be happy somewhere in his heart, but in another
place in his heart he wanted himself to be happy. The fact Squall was holding
her bothered him, but then it didn't.
He looked out over the ocean,
the same ocean he had swam in with Rinoa. The memories burned his heart so
badly… "I wish I could just keep on walking until I was so far away that I
might someday forget I ever did love her….I say GF's take the memory away so I
can…Forget about all of this." Turning his head to the side he saw a seashell,
he remembered the necklace Rinoa given him…
"Take this…so…you'll
always remember me…Be careful!" He could still hear her voice so clearly in his
mind as she said that to him before he had left at the end of that summer.
Seifer wished that he could turn back time, he had so many regrets about his
past. How would he ever escape them? All he wanted was freedom, no more
heartache over the things that he had done…and hadn't done.
No regrets…he wished that
he could say that, but it would be such a lie. Rinoa, SeeD, his childhood,
school, everything. If only he could redo everything, make everything perfect.
"I don't know where I went wrong…I thought she loved me. I thought I'd be a
SeeD…I thought I'd grow up someday…I did…one day too late…Its just my luck, the
day I grow up is just too late…" He thought bitterly to himself. The blonde boy
fell backwards upon the cold, wet sand and stared up at the sky. Rain pelted
his face softly, he squinted as he looked up at the black sky. He could see the
clouds moving quickly across the sky…so much like his life, everything came and
went so fast leaving him behind…
"I don't believe people change. Or maybe, I don't want to
believe that they change… I'm the same as I always have been, I'll always be
Seifer no matter what happens. I never have copped with change well…I'd like to
believe others are always the same in their hearts…but, in my heart I know….I'm
wrong." The rain splattered against his tan face, and he closed his eyes. The
pain was so hard to deal with, how would he ever make it through the pain? How
would it ever go away?
Seifer pulled his arms
behind his head and thought about her face, her smile, the way she talked…"I
hate myself for loving her like this. Why can't I just be happy? No matter how
hard I try I can't shake this feeling of loneliness….It hurts so bad!" Seifer
thought angrily as he pulled himself up into a sitting position and slapped the
sand as hard as he could with his right hand. The memories were going to drive
him crazy.
"I'm tired of the
lonely nights…by myself reading old notes, looking at pictures, and thinking of
past fun… dwelling on everything. If only I had somebody to help me through
this, a mom a dad….a sister a brother…a girlfriend….." He thought
helplessly. "Someone needs to save me from myself, my own thoughts are going to
be the death of me." Seifer thought to himself as he pulled his body up to his
feet and prepared to walk down the beach. Sometime walking would help him feel a
tiny bit better.
The rain was starting
to thicken, to rain harder. It didn't bother him though, a little rain was
about the smallest of his problems at the moment. He stared out over the blank
and endless ocean, his thought ran away with him. What if…? The "what ifs" were
another one of his major problems…What if he was with Rinoa? What if the got
married? What if he had passed SeeD? What if he could follow orders? What if
his parents hadn't died? What if….
The ex-Gunblade
specialist could now make out a pier that was no further than a mile down the
dark, windy beach. Maybe, he should go to it…there might be more shelter from
the rain there, and he could collect his thoughts better. Without thinking
further he stepped up his pace; he could reach the pier sooner if he wasn't
dragging himself along.
Seifer finally knew how
Quistis felt…depressed. He had always given her such a hard time, the boy had
made it ten times worse for the instructor. The blonde hated himself for it,
because he was now depressed, he knew what she was going through. Looking back
at everything he had done he grimaced. All the memories came flooding back to
him, from beating up Zell, making fun of kids who showed their emotions,
fighting with Squall, laughing cruelly at people, giving his infamous smile to
those who needed a little push off the edge, to everything else. Looking back
at his life, he noticed that he had been a pretty hateful and mean person.
He ignored his fatigue
for the moment as he thought about the past back at Garden. No one had liked
him. Everyone had feared him, even Fujin and Raijin. That's the way he had
wanted it to be, he never wanted anyone to know how scared and lonely he was.
The boy had always wanted to look like he had no emotions, he had never really
showed any to anyone. Maybe Cid or Xu had seen a glimpse of who he really was,
but just a glimpse, and nothing more.
Seifer was so proud…too
proud to even tell Rinoa how he felt, he would never be able to get over that
either. It wasn't like he had had an easy childhood, growing up with no parents
to love you, no one…he hadn't turned out too well. If only he could get past
the emotional barriers of his own heart and mind…maybe then he would be able to
let everything go….
"I wish I were strong…heartless like I make people to believe,
Seifer Almasy the strong…All lies. Just when I feel better I see them…happy
like I used to be. And then my heart aches…I never knew what people meant by
"heartache". Now I understand all too well." He said aloud shaking his head. How
did he get himself into this mess? When did this all start? How long ago was
it? All he knew was that it was too long ago for anyone to believe that he
could change. The thing was he didn't have to change, the real Seifer was him,
just flatly, it was him, why didn't anyone but Rinoa ever see that? Why did
everyone have to think that he was so complicated? He wasn't, he was just plain
old Seifer…well, he used to be.
Thinking back to the months before the SeeD exam he remembered
the way he used to act. "I used to laugh about insecurity. Who's laughing now?
It sure isn't me. I hide the way I feel with rude comments, or making someone
else insecure…I was just trying to cope with the voice in the back of my head
that was telling me I was never going to be a SeeD, Squall would get it and I
wouldn't. I was so paranoid that my insecurities might be true, I ruined my
life." He thought solemnly. The teenager had ruined his own life…that really
hurt him. To know how close you were to succeeding when you failed really eats
you up inside.
How
did he get here? Everything was turning into a blur, the fighting, the pain,
the love, the memories. How did he get here? It was mind boggling, it seemed
like just the other day he had been with Rinoa. The day after that he was a
SeeD candidate…frowning he shook his head trying to rid himself of the thought.
The dark and shadowy
pier raised up in front of him as he walked. "Would they care if I never came
back?
I
really don't know. If I died only then would they realize how they felt. What
comfort is that to me now while I am here? If only someone knew…The only way to
make them realize how important I was is to…." His thoughts trailed off. He was
now at the pier. The boy pulled himself up the concrete steps to the top of the
pier.
As he looked about him
when he got past the steps he noticed a few thing: one that this pier looked
like no one had even walked on it for twenty years, two that this pier was the
longest he had ever seen in his many travels, three that this was not an
ordinary pier. There was a covering above one side of the pier. At one time
this pier look like it had been very nice.
Seifer walked until he
got to the very end of the pier. The rain was still coming down rather hard,
and the wind was picking up by the minute. He sat down on the soaked wood and
hung his feet over the edge of the side like he had so many time before when
Rinoa and him would go to the Mandy Beach Pier and talk late at night. The
ocean below him was going crazy, the waves were wild with foam and smacking up
against the pier.
Putting his hands to
his side and dangling his feet over the side thoughtfully he sank deeper into
depression. "I wish I could die and come back to see who was sad about me
dying. I wish with all my heart I had some reassurance that someone on this
earth loved me…" He thought grimly as he stared blankly down to the waves below
him. The sea was raging, just like his soul. The wind was getting colder, as
was he.
"Maybe if I were better
at voicing these feelings inside my soul it would be better. Maybe they don't
know how they are treating me, I can't tell them It's too hard…And I don't
believe in holding on to something that is gone." Seifer thought as he closed
his eyes and thought about everything, SeeD, Rinoa, his life…why? Why should he
go on? He had no reason to live anymore.
Opening his eyes and
looking at the rain as it hit the water, he made a hard decision. "Maybe I
should put an end to the hurt and pain…It is getting unbearable…I can't deal
with this anymore, maybe I should just end it all right here, right now." The
helpless boy thought as he got to his feet. He looked down, it was a long way
to the water…if anyone jumped it would probably knock them out cold and with
the weather the way it was they would most likely drown also…
TO BE CONTINUED…
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