[Needless to say, 'Last Secret' should be read before this, or
you might find yourself a little confused.] Approximately half a year after writing
'Last Secret' under…inappropriate circumstances [for those who posed the
question, exams are a pretty tough crack to get high on], snippets of a mirror
started appearing in my head. Unsure of how to write a fic where it would be
clear that the character in question has died at the end, I decided to ignore
those voices. Unfortunately, they just wouldn't give up. Now, I have finally
put those voices to rest. -_-; That, in itself, should ensure some peace for
me. However, immediately after finishing the fic, the voices of self-doubt
started to attack. -_-;; I dunno. It's just not worth it sometimes. Either way,
here's 'Fade to Light', presenting 'Last Secret' from Percy's point of view. It
might answer a few questions.
Fade to Light
By Djinn
"Is he…coming today?" My words were just that little bit slurred, that little bit distant, but she could tell by just that little bit that it was worse than yesterday.
The glimmer of tears that welled up in her eyes filled me with a burning remorse, that, for just an instant, hurt more than the disease.
I lowered my eyes, clenching my fists helplessly. There was nothing I could do about it, after all. I was as much a victim as she.
…Even more so, perhaps.
"Yes, dear, he is."
I looked up in surprise – I had almost forgotten my question.
- But not quite…I could never forget…I could never forget you…
"He called earlier, he said he would be along in an hour or so."
An hour…but I had all the time in the world. I could wait. It was the only thing I could do. Wait for –
-
death –
- him.
"Thank you." I remembered to say, a hint of apology in my voice. She would understand…
She did. She shook her head, ever so slightly, with a smile on her lips that died in her eyes.
"It's alright, dear," her voice turned serious, "call me if you need me."
"I will." I wouldn't. I never did.
And I was alone again.
I closed my eyes, tired even from that short exchange. That was the way it was these days. I tired so easily…
…But then, all I could do was lie here…not moving, not sleeping and yet dreaming…just thinking. And thinking. And it was getting harder to think…
…I know she doesn't understand why I never call her. Why I never seem to need her. Need them. I couldn't blame her. It must be hard, for someone as compassionate as that to imagine that I wouldn't want her to see me like this…I had a reputation, after all. A reputation that didn't include weakness.
That didn't include…
…dying.
This side of me…betrayed by my own body… It was easier to bear the shame alone. I had never given them any cause to worry about me before…I wouldn't start now.
If
I…could…
I was always supposed to be the mature one. Old enough. Responsible enough.
…And
who's responsible…for this?
They wouldn't know how to take…this…change.
I wouldn't…make them…
…It's unfair, of course. Hard to bear, certainly. I always had…always had lots of plans… Positively…unjust…
…All I can do now…is…lie here…just…thinking…listening…
…Listening…listening…
- the click of the turning knob. He's here.
…I can't even get up properly, despite the desperate urgency in me. I can't even get up in time to greet him.
His face…it hurts. Do I really look that bad now? I know what he's thinking.
I can see it. In his eyes.
"Hey, Oliver." I hate this. Sounding so weak.
…He's smiling at me. I…
"How do you feel today?"
"Same old. Same old." Lying between my teeth…too tired to tell the truth.
"Liar." Aah. So he could tell as well.
…And he was holding me.
"Am I that obvious?"
"No."
Liar.
But I don't care.
I loved it when he held me. It makes me think…it's not so bad… I loved leaning into him, working out the words I knew I would never dare to say…would never get to say.
Did I
ever tell you I love you? No. No, I don't think I did. That's good then. I'll
keep it that way. I wouldn't want you to…want you to be too upset when I…when
I…
But I
do love you. I couldn't help it if I tried. I love you…so bright…so beautiful.
When I see you smiling at me, it simply takes my breath away. Did you know
that? Did you ever know that one of the only reasons I showed up at all the
Gryffindor matches was because…was because I loved seeing you up there, strong
and powerful…
I'm
being silly. I know it. But still…
I used
to dream of you holding me like this.
The
cancer wasn't part of the dream.
"Does it hurt?"
He's afraid, I think. Should I lie? Lying might make it easier…but I could only lie for so long now.
"Yes," It was hard to say.
"Worse than before?"
"Yes." It was easier the second time round…but only for me, I suspected. "I'm not going to last much longer." I added. He should know.
"Percy…"
I know…
I know what you're trying to
say…but you know it isn't true…you…and I…I'm sorry. I wish I could make
it…better…
"…Do you want to know a secret?" At the expense of ridicule. But…anything to make it easier to bear.
"What secret?" His interest was piqued. His voice had changed.
"When I die," …that was even harder to say… "I'm going up to heaven where the angels are…"
The look on his face…I wondered if I was making it worse.
"And I'm going to eat all the chocolate ice cream I never got to eat because the rest wanted it."
He blinked. I smiled. He hadn't expected that, I could tell.
"That's your secret?"
"Uh huh." For better or worse.
"Chocolate ice cream?"
"You have no idea how much ice cream I've had to give up just because I was older."
He was laughing now. I laughed too, I could afford it. For now.
"Do you really believe that?" It was sober…the look in his eyes.
"No." I had to admit. "But it's a dream, isn't it? And a secret to keep before I die." This time, it wasn't easier to say it the second time round.
"You're the only one who knows my secret," quite, quite true. I would never tell anyone else, "…It's our secret then."
…Yours…and mine.
He nodded.
"Our secret." He held me. He was smiling.
It was wonderful, for those few precious moments. It was wonderful.
But then…he had to leave.
* * * * * * *
I needed him. I needed him. She'd come in earlier, and I knew she was crying. I…I turned her away. It was better for her that way. She wouldn't have to see…wouldn't have to…
I needed him. Before…before it was too late.
Then he was there…and he was holding me… I couldn't see him very well now…it was getting darker…darker…
But I could feel him…feel him there…with me…
"I'm scared." So scared…darker…
"Don't be." Wet…tears…? He's crying, I think…
…Don't cry…I don't want you
to be too upset when I…
"Think of the chocolate ice cream."
I laughed. But I couldn't afford it, not anymore…but he remembered…he…
"Our secret." …remembered…
I felt him nod…I wish he would speak…I wanted to hear…needed to hear…his voice…
"I didn't want them to see me like this." It was…important…for him to know. To understand.
"I know." His voice…so faraway…so…dark…I'm scared…
…I'm scared…!
"It's dark, you know, it'll be dark, and I wouldn't be able to feel a thing, ever –"
"No!" His voice… "…no. It'll be bright, so bright. It'll be beautiful. There'll be angels…"
Oliver…
"…Yes."
"Angels, and chocolate ice cream."
Oliver…
"…Ice cream…"
Oliver… It was getting brighter… So bright… Brighter…
Oliver…it's so bright…if
only…if only you could see it…
I could hear them…the angels…they were getting closer…hear them…singing…
…So bright…
Oliver…I love you…I'll be…
"…I'll be waiting for you."
…I'll be…
…waiting…
…Oliver.
END
I hope that wasn't as bad as I thought it was. . Oh well. By the way, it is supposed to get a little incoherent towards the end. How realistic that is, I have no idea. I've don't think I've ever been dying before, so I can't really say. ^_^; I really do apologise if the fic falls short though. I only hope it didn't fall too short.