as has sprouted from the brains of Sarima, Melora, and Trumildicus
Mind you, this was written during Humanities class (American History, bleh) so naturally we were very bored and hyper: Not a good combination.
1) James Potter was born of Don Quixote and Pimsy Lou Potter and lived a happy boring little life until he was about 20, whereupon he was accidentally sucked into a black hole in a public toilet (you never know who's been using those public bathrooms, everyone. Let this be a lesson to you) and traveled back in time to before Voldemort was born.
2) James met a sprightly young girl with luxurious red hair named Jesse Wedge (product of Argile T. Wedge and Lindatilta Garglation) and fell instantly in love with her. In an effort to impress Jesse he grew out his hair and dyed it light blueish-purple. Jesse thought James looked very *HOT* with his hair like that and she instantly consented to marry him, not before our young couple had quite a few, ahem, "secret interludes" together.
3) However, when James proposed to Jesse, up popped a little yellow creature by the name of Pikachu, the property of a one Ash Ketchum (Pokemon, anyone? hee hee) and ate the wedding ring. Jesse and James were very angry at Pikachu, naturally, and chased Ashie-boy and his counterparts around for years so they could chop him up and get back the wedding ring.
4) Unfortunately, whilst chasing Pikachu, James was seized with a sudden need to use an bathroom, and he did, causing himself to be sucked back into the same black hole and deposited back in his own time.
5) Jesse was quite sad and brokenhearted, but she got over it and married young Thomas Riddle, Sr. (son of Darth Vader and an ewok named Ickykins), and after a while they had a bounding baby boy named Thomas Riddle Jr. Little did Jesse know that baby Tommy was actually a product of Jesse and James's "secret interludes", and therefore James's son. Dun dun DUN!
6) Thomas Riddle Jr. grew up and became evil, causing him to have quite a few affairs with various people. One of them was with the un-married Narcissa Smith, soon to be Malfoy. They produced evil offspring Portensia Voldemort. Thomas, a.k.a. Voldemort, stole Portensia from Narcissa and raised her to be evil like him.
7) Voldemort then had an affair with Molly Weasley (three times) resulting in Percy, Fred and George, and Ron. Arthur Weasley suspected nothing. Voldemort tried to steal Percy, Fred, George, and Ron, like he had done with Porty, but he failed.
8) Voldemort also had an affair with TV star Po the Tellitubbie. They produced hit TV stars Barney, Baby Bop, and PJ. Voldemort did not attempt to steal them.
9) James Potter, back in the right time, fell in love with Lily Cranfranker (daughter of Bumbleshaft Cranfranker and Durdy White) because her hair reminded him of Jesse's. They had young Harry. You know the rest.
10) After Harry graduated from Hogwarts he married Ginny Weasley, who was NOT the daughter of Voldemort, or else that would be just wrong. They spawned the following: (take a deep breath and read quickly)
Poopinkins, Harrykins Jr., Sirius, Moony Severus, James, Lily, Hagrid, Dumbledore, Minerva, Gilderoy, Wormtail, Prongs, Draco, Fluffy, Ginger, Mr. Ruffles, Spot, Puddles, Dribbles, Sparky, Rover, Lu lu, Snicklepoos, Argle Bob, Tulipkins, Baby boo-boo head, Tammy Lou, Hinez Bob Joy, Madame Hooch, Binns, Snape, Rhonda, Herman, Harriet, Ginnyiard, Percy, Fred, George, Bill, Charlie, Fluer, Cho chang, Mad-eye, Alabaster, Pumpkin darling, Quirrel, Reamus, Chubby wubby, Taco Time, and Lavender.
11) Fred married Rachel Draper and they were not excessively horny like someone we could mention so they only had one child named Mimsy Weasley.
12) George married Lavender Brown and they fabricated the following:
Harry, Matilda, Georgekins, Dortumund, Drakie-kins, Lavelonna, Carrie Maye, Bryan, Morgulhide, Malforda, Lucinda, Donny Quixote, Georgie-lou, Georgie-poos, Georgie-boy, and Georgie-bunny.
13) Percy married Claire McColver and they had Bitsy, Dipsy and Pipsy, triplets.
14) Ron married Hermione Granger and they had Ronny Lou, Rhonda, Ronny-boy, Ronald, and Little Christy Ann.
That would be all. I hope you know this means that Voldy is Harry's half-brother ("Harry, I am your brother!" "NOOOOOO! THAT'S NOT TRUUUUUE!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!") and Ron's father ("Ronald, I am your father!" "Really? Dude. That's cool.") and Harry is Ron, Percy, Fred and George, Draco, Portensia, Baby-bop, Barney, and PJ's uncle.