Hamilton thanked his lucky stars that his parents were out and raced up the stairs to his room. He closed the door and the blinds and fell onto the bed. For a moment, he beat his pillow in frustration. 'Jake looked right at me and thought about beautiful eyes and sexy eyelashes,' Hamilton thought to himself. 'He said he wasn't gay, he told me it was just a sketchy moment. So why is he thinking about my beautiful eyes?' Too tired to think about his situation, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.
His mother woke him for dinner. Sitting at the table was like torture. In between answering his father's questions about classes, he had to deal with his mother's thoughts. Apparently his mother was feeling pretty frisky this weekend and it was more than Hamilton ever wanted to know.
{Should I wear the pink teddy or the black bra and panties tonight? Or maybe the red nightie?}
Hamilton lost what little remained of his appetite. He excused himself and went back to his room to hide.
His co-ed classes Monday were an exercise in futility. He couldn't concentrate on what the teachers were saying because he kept hearing thoughts from all the girls in class. Thoughts about everything from cramps to Algebra, boys to Shakespeare, clothes to tonight's episode of Roswell were out there and he could hear every one of them. It was impossible to ignore.
In Finn's class, he had Jake to deal with as well. He was desperate to act normally, but he wasn't successful. Jake spent a good portion of the class worrying about him and why he was acting so strangely. Finn must have noticed something was wrong, too. He asked Hamilton to stay after class.
"Is everything alright, Mr. Fleming? You were more distracted than usual during class."
"I...just haven't felt good. I stayed in bed most of the weekend." At least that wasn't an outright lie, right? Hamilton eyed Finn trying to gauge his mood. "Maybe I could skip practice this afternoon and go back home to bed?"
Finn paused before answering. "I suppose I could let you miss one practice. But you do know I'll find out if you're not at home in bed."
"I know. Thanks, Finn."
Hamilton left and headed home. He knew the house would be empty for at least a couple hours as both his parents would be at the school until dinnertime. It would give him some much-needed peace and quiet. He went to his room and put in his favorite Doors CD. Picking up the old portfolio, he sat cross-legged on the bed and began looking through the pictures.
A knock on his bedroom door startled him. He opened it to find Jake.
"What are you doing here?" A part of him was thrilled to see Jake, but the other part reminded him that he could hear Jake's thoughts and yesterday Jake thought he had beautiful eyes and sexy eyelashes.
"I knocked on the front door, but no one answered. I could hear the music, so I knew you were home. You weren't at practice." {I was worried about you. You've been acting strange for two days now. I want to know what's wrong.}
"Yeah...I asked Finn if I could take a pass today."
Jake looked at Hamilton waiting for him to say more, when it became obvious that he wasn't, she tried again. {OK, I'm going to have to pry it out of you.}
"So...is everything ok? Finn wouldn't let you miss practice for nothing." {Why won't he tell me what's going on here? I thought we were friends.}
"Yeah, I guess. I just haven't felt so great. Bad headache...that's all." Jake's concern was making him feel guilty, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Jake what was happening. And there was still the issue of Jake's thoughts.
"A headache? Dude, you had the music cranked up pretty loud for someone who has a headache." {Why is he lying to me? Is he mad at me?}
"Look Jake, I'm not mad at you, OK? I didn't feel like going to practice today. I just wanted to be alone for a while. " Hamilton fell back onto his bed in frustration. He didn't want Jake to feel responsible for his behavior.
Jake stood there not sure what to say or do. {How did he know I was worried about making him mad? Am I being that obvious? And how can I let him know I want to help without freaking him out all over again? I can't very well put my arms around him and give him a hug. He'll probably deck me. But something is wrong and I want him to know I'll be there for him.}
Hamilton's eyes went wide.
Jake noticed the subtle change in Hamilton's expression. He looked slightly panicked. {What the heck is wrong with him? Why won't he just come right out and tell me what the problem is? Boy, do know how to pick 'em. He may be drop dead gorgeous but I can't read his moods to save my life. Every time I think I have him figured out, he switches gears again.}
Hamilton was trying to remain calm, but Jake's thoughts were doing a number on his now fragile nerves.
"Jake...you know...I'd really like to get some sleep before my parents come home. I'll see you tomorrow?" Hamilton hoped that by walking towards the door, Jake would get the idea.
{Subtle, dude.}
Jake followed him down the stairs and into the foyer. {I'm so confused. What's going on here? Why won't he talk to me?}
Jake stopped at the front door. "You know I'm here if you need anything, right? Just call me." {Please call me!}
"Thanks. See ya in class." Hamilton closed the door and leaned against it with a sigh of relief.
{I think I'm in love with a nutcase!}
Hamilton whipped around to stare at the closed door. He had sighed too soon. Jake's voice resonated in his mind - "I'm in love".
"Oh god." Hamilton kicked at the door in frustration and went back upstairs.
He was spared from his mother's thoughts at dinner thanks to a special poetry class she and Finn were putting together. He and his father ate quickly and retreated to separate rooms. Hamilton laid in bed thinking about Jake, 'Jake said he wasn't gay, but Jake's thoughts prove he is. Jake said kissing me was a sketchy moment and it was over, but Jake's thoughts prove it isn't. Jake is in love with me!'
He didn't want to go back to that kiss, but Jake's thoughts forced him to go there. As hard as he tried to deny it and forget about it, that kiss had felt right. Jake felt right. He felt more comfortable around Jake than any of the other guys. He looked forward to seeing Jake. On the roof that day, he should have been disgusted that another guy was kissing him, but he wasn't. He was thinking about how surprisingly soft Jake's lips were. After the kiss when they agreed to "forget about it", they shook hands. He couldn't deny the electricity that shot through him when Jake's skin touched his own. In some inexplicable way, he had been drawn to Jake Pratt from the moment his motorcycle appeared in Hamilton's camera lens.
"Now what do I do?" Hamilton asked the ceiling.
Tuesday's classes were another pointless endeavor. He still wasn't used to hearing what the girls around him were thinking and it was more than a little distracting. Finn's Lit class was particularly difficult. Half the class was female - and then there was Jake.
{This is so boring. Can't we study someone interesting, like Edgar Allen Poe?}
{I loved this dress at Bloomingdale's, now I'm not so sure. I think it makes me look fat.}
{That Scout guy is cute, but he's kinda short.}
{I still can't figure out why is Hamilton acting so strangely. Did something happen? Is he upset again about me kissing him?}
{Does Finn know what a hair cut is? He's pretty cute for an old guy but his hair is all over the place. A comb would help, too.}
{I thought he said we were getting past this, god, why did I have to do a dumb thing like that anyway? Because he has the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen, that's why. And he has the must luscious, inviting mouth I have ever seen. The very first week and I screwed up royally. I didn't even give this whole plan a chance to work before I messed up.}
{Oooh, tonight is That 70's Show! Kelso is so cute, a little dim, but cute. I'll have to stake out the TV in the lounge early or I'll be watching Buffy again instead of Ashton Kutcher in tight pants.}
{Why does he have to be so beautiful? Look at him, perfect body, stunning face and he's sweet, smart and funny. He's everything I could ever ask for in a guy and he just has to be the Dean's son. The same Dean that could throw me out of here and insure that I never saw Hamilton Fleming again.}
Hamilton was having trouble even sitting still by the end of class. The girl's thoughts were annoying, but Jake's thoughts had him wanting to run away and hide. It was perfectly clear that Jake was in love with him.
'So exactly how do I feel about Jake? I feel drawn to Jake in some crazy, unexplainable way and it scares the living daylights out of me because Jake is a guy. That's how I feel!' Hamilton's thoughts warred within him.
The very moment Finn dismissed the class Hamilton was out of there, not giving Jake or anyone else the chance to talk to him. That afternoon he arrived for crew practice at the last possible minute, thus avoiding questions or comments.
Practice went better than he had expected. Jake was all business in the boat except for once.
"Stroke! Stroke!" Jake shouted into the headset as her eyes settled on Hamilton who sat directly across from her. She always tried to avoid looking at him during practice for fear she would inadvertently say something that was better left unsaid.
{Boy would I like to stroke him!}
Hamilton stopped rowing and stared at Jake until Finn's voice prompted him back to reality.
"Fleming! This is not break time, get with it!"
After practice, Jake was out of the boat first and managed to corner Hamilton on the dock before he could escape.
"Hamilton, is something wrong? Seriously, you've been acting really strange and I'm getting worried. Are you still mad at me about" Jake switched to a whisper "that kiss? Or is there something else going on?"
Hamilton looked at Jake; the pangs of guilt were back. Jake was trying to take the blame for his irrational behavior again.
"It's a long story Jake, just...don't worry about it, ok?" He smiled and tried to sound sincere.
{Yeah, right, don't worry!} "Is this about what happened on the roof? Because really, I meant what I said; I'm not gay and you don't have to worry about it happening again."
"No Jake, it's not about that...well, maybe...no. I should get home. I promise we'll talk about this some other time."
{Maybe? And when? When are you going to tell me what's on your mind?} Jake's eyes betrayed the confusion inside. Hamilton tried to smile and put a reassuring hand on Jake's shoulder as he walked past. The fluttering in his stomach at the contact did not go unnoticed. He walked home slowly trying to make some sense of what Jake had said.
'Jake insisted again that he wasn't gay, so why is he thinking about me the way he does? How can you think about another guy like that if you're not gay? And if Jake's not gay, where does that leave me? I'm attracted to my best friend who kissed me, but he's not gay.'
Hamilton said a little prayer of thanks as dinner ended. His mother wasn't feeling frisky tonight and her thoughts had mainly revolved around the painting she was currently working on. Hamilton was still caught up enough in his situation with Jake that it was fairly easy to ignore his mother's thoughts. After dinner he decided to take a walk by the lake.
Jake was walking back to the dorm after an evening motorcycle ride when she saw a familiar figure sitting on the dock by the lake. She debated for a moment as the whether she should try to talk to him again. Finally her feelings for him won out and she cautiously approached the dock.
{Here goes nothin'...}
"Hey" Jake said softly as she came up next to him.
"Hey"
"Mind if I sit?"
Hamilton turned to face Jake for the first time. He immediately noticed the care and concern in Jake's eyes. He didn't have the heart to tell Jake to go away.
"Go ahead."
{That's a step in the right direction.}
"Look, Hamilton, I know something's wrong and you don't want to talk about it..."
"Jake..."
"No wait. Let me finish. I know something is wrong and that you don't want to talk about it. But I was thinking...that maybe...it would help if you just tried to forget about whatever it is for a while. You know do something else that will take your mind off of it."
Jake searched Hamilton's face - no negative reaction yet. {Another step in the right direction.}
"I was thinking that maybe we could take look at those pictures. You brought them over the other day, but we never got to look at them." {I'd still like to see those pictures.}
Hamilton smiled, maybe Jake was right.
"Maybe you're right. They're at the house, is that ok?"
"Sure, lead the way." Jake smiled, happy that Hamilton hadn't pushed away again.
Hamilton opened the front door and ushered Jake inside.
"Mom?"
His father stepped out of his study. "Your Mother went back to her classroom to work on her new painting. Do you need something?"
{Oh god, the Dean!}
"No, sir. We're just going to go up to my room for a while."
Hamilton noticed Jake's nervousness, but dismissed it because plenty of students got nervous around his father.
Jake followed Hamilton into his room and couldn't help but smile. It was so perfectly "Hamilton". The furniture and hard wood floor were all golden oak. An Oriental rug, the bedspread and curtains were all in navy blue. There was a guitar in one corner next to a bookshelf that was loaded with books. A few music posters mixed with framed 8 x 10 photographs adorned the walls.
"Have a seat." Hamilton pointed to the desk.
"Do you mind sitting on the floor?" Jake asked somewhat sheepishly. {I don't like people looking over my shoulder.}
"Uh, no."
Jake sat cross-legged on the floor and Hamilton sat directly across from Jake, placing the portfolio between them.
"Go ahead." Hamilton took in a deep breath as Jake opened the leather binder. The first picture was one of the crew team rowing in the middle of the lake just as the sun was coming up. Wide swaths of orange and pink cut across the sky and the eight-man boat was a dark silhouette against the shimmering lake. It was a beautiful picture, capturing not only the beauty of the sunrise but the absolute serenity of the moment.
Jake's face lit up in a wide smile and Hamilton finally released the breath he had been holding. A huge wave of relief washed over him. As they moved through the portfolio, Hamilton would let Jake look at the picture for a moment and then give some background details of the shot. Since Jake's thoughts were focused on the photographs, Hamilton found himself able to relax and enjoy Jake's company for the first time since he fell.
"What's this here?" Jake asked pointing to the bottom corner of a picture.
Hamilton craned his neck to see what Jake was talking about and couldn't get a clear view of the object in question. Needing a better angle, Hamilton slid next to Jake and leaned closer. Jake pointed again and Hamilton smiled.
"Those are my dogs swimming, see ears, eyes and noses." He said outlining each of the dogs with his fingertip. "They were at the lake with me and managed to sneak into the water while I got out my camera." Hamilton started to smile when Jake's voice popped back into his mind.
{Stay calm...stay calm...it's no big deal...breathe...}
Hamilton briefly wondered what Jake was referring to when he noticed that they were now sitting right up against each other from him moving to get a better look at he picture.
Hamilton's first instinct was to move, but then thought better of it. Sooner or later, he was going to have to see what this "thing" was between them and maybe this was a good place to start. He deliberately stayed where he was. Pretending not to notice the leg-to-leg contact, he turned the page to the next picture.
{He hasn't moved. Why hasn't he moved?}
He could feel Jake relax and pretty soon Jake's thoughts were back to the pictures. For the first time, Hamilton allowed himself to really feel Jake next to him. It was strange, he should feel uncomfortable with another guy sitting so close to him, but he didn't. If anything, it was comforting to have Jake next to him. It just felt natural.
{Damn, that was the last picture. I'd love to stay and see more but I'd probably be pushing my luck. Tonight has been wonderful. I should leave before something bad happens.}
Hamilton heard the thought and unconsciously nodded in agreement. It had been a very nice way to spend the evening. He felt better than he had in days.
Jake was first to stand up and speak. "I guess I should get going. I don't want your father getting mad because I'm here late on a school night." {And I don't want any more contact than necessary with the Dean.}
"Yeah, you're probably right." Hamilton stood up as well and placed the portfolio on the desk, briefly wondering why Jake was so nervous about being around his father.
Jake turned to leave, but was stopped by Hamilton's voice.
"Uh...Jake?" He said quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks, this was good. You were right. I needed to forget for a while."
"You don't have to tell me, but what happened anyway? I can keep a secret, you know, I'm like a Swiss vault." They both laughed and smiled at the memory of Hamilton saying that just a few weeks ago.
"It's not that I don't trust you, Jake. I just don't quite understand it all myself, yet. I fell off a ladder Saturday and I've been," he searched for the right words, "out of sorts, I guess, ever since. It's really hard to explain."
Her eyes filled with concern for him again. {Ouch, that had to hurt.} "Ok, well...just remember that I'm here if you need me."
"Thanks."
"I should get going." {I don't want to leave.}
"I'll walk you down."
Hamilton watched Jake disappear from sight through his living room window. When he could no longer see Jake, he went back to his bedroom, got undressed and crawled into bed. He thought about the evening he had just spent with Jake. For once, he forced himself not to freak out about Jake's gender and instead focus on how he felt around Jake. With this new perspective he looked back on all the moments they had spent together since Jake came to Rawley. He came to the conclusion that there was more in his heart than just friendship.
"But can I handle being more than just friends?" He asked the ceiling again.
For the first time, he truly thought maybe he could. He drifted off to sleep still thinking about Jake.
Classes went more smoothly the next day. Hamilton was finally adjusting to the extra noise in his head and learning to block it out. Finn's class was still the most difficult though. Jake's thoughts bounced between the material Finn was covering and remembering the previous evening. A few girls were actually thinking about the poem Finn was discussing. And then there were the others...tonight was Dawson's Creek night and several of the girls were hot for Pacey. Even though it was summer and therefore rerun season, these young ladies were all in a tizz over an hour of Pacey Witter.
Hamilton shook his head, not understanding the allure of those sappy teen dramas on the WB. 'I'll take The Soprano's over that stuff any day,' he thought, shaking his head for emphasis.
Practice was all business again and Hamilton was feeling comfortable enough to suggest that he and Jake hit Friendly's for dinner and some ice cream.
"Sounds like a plan, give me 15 minutes to change." Jake smiled. "I'll meet you by my bike."
{Stay calm, it's just a five minute ride.} Jake smiled as she approached her motorcycle and saw Hamilton already there.
"Ready?" She asked, handing him the extra helmet.
"Ready." He replied and climbed on.
As Jake started the bike, Hamilton discovered a new dilemma - where to put his hands? Cautiously, he placed his hands on Jake's waist. Jake forced herself not to react and Hamilton was careful not to hold on too tightly or sit too close.
{Breathe...breathe...it's just a five minute ride.} Jake took a deep breath and drove away.
His mother woke him for dinner. Sitting at the table was like torture. In between answering his father's questions about classes, he had to deal with his mother's thoughts. Apparently his mother was feeling pretty frisky this weekend and it was more than Hamilton ever wanted to know.
{Should I wear the pink teddy or the black bra and panties tonight? Or maybe the red nightie?}
Hamilton lost what little remained of his appetite. He excused himself and went back to his room to hide.
His co-ed classes Monday were an exercise in futility. He couldn't concentrate on what the teachers were saying because he kept hearing thoughts from all the girls in class. Thoughts about everything from cramps to Algebra, boys to Shakespeare, clothes to tonight's episode of Roswell were out there and he could hear every one of them. It was impossible to ignore.
In Finn's class, he had Jake to deal with as well. He was desperate to act normally, but he wasn't successful. Jake spent a good portion of the class worrying about him and why he was acting so strangely. Finn must have noticed something was wrong, too. He asked Hamilton to stay after class.
"Is everything alright, Mr. Fleming? You were more distracted than usual during class."
"I...just haven't felt good. I stayed in bed most of the weekend." At least that wasn't an outright lie, right? Hamilton eyed Finn trying to gauge his mood. "Maybe I could skip practice this afternoon and go back home to bed?"
Finn paused before answering. "I suppose I could let you miss one practice. But you do know I'll find out if you're not at home in bed."
"I know. Thanks, Finn."
Hamilton left and headed home. He knew the house would be empty for at least a couple hours as both his parents would be at the school until dinnertime. It would give him some much-needed peace and quiet. He went to his room and put in his favorite Doors CD. Picking up the old portfolio, he sat cross-legged on the bed and began looking through the pictures.
A knock on his bedroom door startled him. He opened it to find Jake.
"What are you doing here?" A part of him was thrilled to see Jake, but the other part reminded him that he could hear Jake's thoughts and yesterday Jake thought he had beautiful eyes and sexy eyelashes.
"I knocked on the front door, but no one answered. I could hear the music, so I knew you were home. You weren't at practice." {I was worried about you. You've been acting strange for two days now. I want to know what's wrong.}
"Yeah...I asked Finn if I could take a pass today."
Jake looked at Hamilton waiting for him to say more, when it became obvious that he wasn't, she tried again. {OK, I'm going to have to pry it out of you.}
"So...is everything ok? Finn wouldn't let you miss practice for nothing." {Why won't he tell me what's going on here? I thought we were friends.}
"Yeah, I guess. I just haven't felt so great. Bad headache...that's all." Jake's concern was making him feel guilty, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Jake what was happening. And there was still the issue of Jake's thoughts.
"A headache? Dude, you had the music cranked up pretty loud for someone who has a headache." {Why is he lying to me? Is he mad at me?}
"Look Jake, I'm not mad at you, OK? I didn't feel like going to practice today. I just wanted to be alone for a while. " Hamilton fell back onto his bed in frustration. He didn't want Jake to feel responsible for his behavior.
Jake stood there not sure what to say or do. {How did he know I was worried about making him mad? Am I being that obvious? And how can I let him know I want to help without freaking him out all over again? I can't very well put my arms around him and give him a hug. He'll probably deck me. But something is wrong and I want him to know I'll be there for him.}
Hamilton's eyes went wide.
Jake noticed the subtle change in Hamilton's expression. He looked slightly panicked. {What the heck is wrong with him? Why won't he just come right out and tell me what the problem is? Boy, do know how to pick 'em. He may be drop dead gorgeous but I can't read his moods to save my life. Every time I think I have him figured out, he switches gears again.}
Hamilton was trying to remain calm, but Jake's thoughts were doing a number on his now fragile nerves.
"Jake...you know...I'd really like to get some sleep before my parents come home. I'll see you tomorrow?" Hamilton hoped that by walking towards the door, Jake would get the idea.
{Subtle, dude.}
Jake followed him down the stairs and into the foyer. {I'm so confused. What's going on here? Why won't he talk to me?}
Jake stopped at the front door. "You know I'm here if you need anything, right? Just call me." {Please call me!}
"Thanks. See ya in class." Hamilton closed the door and leaned against it with a sigh of relief.
{I think I'm in love with a nutcase!}
Hamilton whipped around to stare at the closed door. He had sighed too soon. Jake's voice resonated in his mind - "I'm in love".
"Oh god." Hamilton kicked at the door in frustration and went back upstairs.
He was spared from his mother's thoughts at dinner thanks to a special poetry class she and Finn were putting together. He and his father ate quickly and retreated to separate rooms. Hamilton laid in bed thinking about Jake, 'Jake said he wasn't gay, but Jake's thoughts prove he is. Jake said kissing me was a sketchy moment and it was over, but Jake's thoughts prove it isn't. Jake is in love with me!'
He didn't want to go back to that kiss, but Jake's thoughts forced him to go there. As hard as he tried to deny it and forget about it, that kiss had felt right. Jake felt right. He felt more comfortable around Jake than any of the other guys. He looked forward to seeing Jake. On the roof that day, he should have been disgusted that another guy was kissing him, but he wasn't. He was thinking about how surprisingly soft Jake's lips were. After the kiss when they agreed to "forget about it", they shook hands. He couldn't deny the electricity that shot through him when Jake's skin touched his own. In some inexplicable way, he had been drawn to Jake Pratt from the moment his motorcycle appeared in Hamilton's camera lens.
"Now what do I do?" Hamilton asked the ceiling.
Tuesday's classes were another pointless endeavor. He still wasn't used to hearing what the girls around him were thinking and it was more than a little distracting. Finn's Lit class was particularly difficult. Half the class was female - and then there was Jake.
{This is so boring. Can't we study someone interesting, like Edgar Allen Poe?}
{I loved this dress at Bloomingdale's, now I'm not so sure. I think it makes me look fat.}
{That Scout guy is cute, but he's kinda short.}
{I still can't figure out why is Hamilton acting so strangely. Did something happen? Is he upset again about me kissing him?}
{Does Finn know what a hair cut is? He's pretty cute for an old guy but his hair is all over the place. A comb would help, too.}
{I thought he said we were getting past this, god, why did I have to do a dumb thing like that anyway? Because he has the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen, that's why. And he has the must luscious, inviting mouth I have ever seen. The very first week and I screwed up royally. I didn't even give this whole plan a chance to work before I messed up.}
{Oooh, tonight is That 70's Show! Kelso is so cute, a little dim, but cute. I'll have to stake out the TV in the lounge early or I'll be watching Buffy again instead of Ashton Kutcher in tight pants.}
{Why does he have to be so beautiful? Look at him, perfect body, stunning face and he's sweet, smart and funny. He's everything I could ever ask for in a guy and he just has to be the Dean's son. The same Dean that could throw me out of here and insure that I never saw Hamilton Fleming again.}
Hamilton was having trouble even sitting still by the end of class. The girl's thoughts were annoying, but Jake's thoughts had him wanting to run away and hide. It was perfectly clear that Jake was in love with him.
'So exactly how do I feel about Jake? I feel drawn to Jake in some crazy, unexplainable way and it scares the living daylights out of me because Jake is a guy. That's how I feel!' Hamilton's thoughts warred within him.
The very moment Finn dismissed the class Hamilton was out of there, not giving Jake or anyone else the chance to talk to him. That afternoon he arrived for crew practice at the last possible minute, thus avoiding questions or comments.
Practice went better than he had expected. Jake was all business in the boat except for once.
"Stroke! Stroke!" Jake shouted into the headset as her eyes settled on Hamilton who sat directly across from her. She always tried to avoid looking at him during practice for fear she would inadvertently say something that was better left unsaid.
{Boy would I like to stroke him!}
Hamilton stopped rowing and stared at Jake until Finn's voice prompted him back to reality.
"Fleming! This is not break time, get with it!"
After practice, Jake was out of the boat first and managed to corner Hamilton on the dock before he could escape.
"Hamilton, is something wrong? Seriously, you've been acting really strange and I'm getting worried. Are you still mad at me about" Jake switched to a whisper "that kiss? Or is there something else going on?"
Hamilton looked at Jake; the pangs of guilt were back. Jake was trying to take the blame for his irrational behavior again.
"It's a long story Jake, just...don't worry about it, ok?" He smiled and tried to sound sincere.
{Yeah, right, don't worry!} "Is this about what happened on the roof? Because really, I meant what I said; I'm not gay and you don't have to worry about it happening again."
"No Jake, it's not about that...well, maybe...no. I should get home. I promise we'll talk about this some other time."
{Maybe? And when? When are you going to tell me what's on your mind?} Jake's eyes betrayed the confusion inside. Hamilton tried to smile and put a reassuring hand on Jake's shoulder as he walked past. The fluttering in his stomach at the contact did not go unnoticed. He walked home slowly trying to make some sense of what Jake had said.
'Jake insisted again that he wasn't gay, so why is he thinking about me the way he does? How can you think about another guy like that if you're not gay? And if Jake's not gay, where does that leave me? I'm attracted to my best friend who kissed me, but he's not gay.'
Hamilton said a little prayer of thanks as dinner ended. His mother wasn't feeling frisky tonight and her thoughts had mainly revolved around the painting she was currently working on. Hamilton was still caught up enough in his situation with Jake that it was fairly easy to ignore his mother's thoughts. After dinner he decided to take a walk by the lake.
Jake was walking back to the dorm after an evening motorcycle ride when she saw a familiar figure sitting on the dock by the lake. She debated for a moment as the whether she should try to talk to him again. Finally her feelings for him won out and she cautiously approached the dock.
{Here goes nothin'...}
"Hey" Jake said softly as she came up next to him.
"Hey"
"Mind if I sit?"
Hamilton turned to face Jake for the first time. He immediately noticed the care and concern in Jake's eyes. He didn't have the heart to tell Jake to go away.
"Go ahead."
{That's a step in the right direction.}
"Look, Hamilton, I know something's wrong and you don't want to talk about it..."
"Jake..."
"No wait. Let me finish. I know something is wrong and that you don't want to talk about it. But I was thinking...that maybe...it would help if you just tried to forget about whatever it is for a while. You know do something else that will take your mind off of it."
Jake searched Hamilton's face - no negative reaction yet. {Another step in the right direction.}
"I was thinking that maybe we could take look at those pictures. You brought them over the other day, but we never got to look at them." {I'd still like to see those pictures.}
Hamilton smiled, maybe Jake was right.
"Maybe you're right. They're at the house, is that ok?"
"Sure, lead the way." Jake smiled, happy that Hamilton hadn't pushed away again.
Hamilton opened the front door and ushered Jake inside.
"Mom?"
His father stepped out of his study. "Your Mother went back to her classroom to work on her new painting. Do you need something?"
{Oh god, the Dean!}
"No, sir. We're just going to go up to my room for a while."
Hamilton noticed Jake's nervousness, but dismissed it because plenty of students got nervous around his father.
Jake followed Hamilton into his room and couldn't help but smile. It was so perfectly "Hamilton". The furniture and hard wood floor were all golden oak. An Oriental rug, the bedspread and curtains were all in navy blue. There was a guitar in one corner next to a bookshelf that was loaded with books. A few music posters mixed with framed 8 x 10 photographs adorned the walls.
"Have a seat." Hamilton pointed to the desk.
"Do you mind sitting on the floor?" Jake asked somewhat sheepishly. {I don't like people looking over my shoulder.}
"Uh, no."
Jake sat cross-legged on the floor and Hamilton sat directly across from Jake, placing the portfolio between them.
"Go ahead." Hamilton took in a deep breath as Jake opened the leather binder. The first picture was one of the crew team rowing in the middle of the lake just as the sun was coming up. Wide swaths of orange and pink cut across the sky and the eight-man boat was a dark silhouette against the shimmering lake. It was a beautiful picture, capturing not only the beauty of the sunrise but the absolute serenity of the moment.
Jake's face lit up in a wide smile and Hamilton finally released the breath he had been holding. A huge wave of relief washed over him. As they moved through the portfolio, Hamilton would let Jake look at the picture for a moment and then give some background details of the shot. Since Jake's thoughts were focused on the photographs, Hamilton found himself able to relax and enjoy Jake's company for the first time since he fell.
"What's this here?" Jake asked pointing to the bottom corner of a picture.
Hamilton craned his neck to see what Jake was talking about and couldn't get a clear view of the object in question. Needing a better angle, Hamilton slid next to Jake and leaned closer. Jake pointed again and Hamilton smiled.
"Those are my dogs swimming, see ears, eyes and noses." He said outlining each of the dogs with his fingertip. "They were at the lake with me and managed to sneak into the water while I got out my camera." Hamilton started to smile when Jake's voice popped back into his mind.
{Stay calm...stay calm...it's no big deal...breathe...}
Hamilton briefly wondered what Jake was referring to when he noticed that they were now sitting right up against each other from him moving to get a better look at he picture.
Hamilton's first instinct was to move, but then thought better of it. Sooner or later, he was going to have to see what this "thing" was between them and maybe this was a good place to start. He deliberately stayed where he was. Pretending not to notice the leg-to-leg contact, he turned the page to the next picture.
{He hasn't moved. Why hasn't he moved?}
He could feel Jake relax and pretty soon Jake's thoughts were back to the pictures. For the first time, Hamilton allowed himself to really feel Jake next to him. It was strange, he should feel uncomfortable with another guy sitting so close to him, but he didn't. If anything, it was comforting to have Jake next to him. It just felt natural.
{Damn, that was the last picture. I'd love to stay and see more but I'd probably be pushing my luck. Tonight has been wonderful. I should leave before something bad happens.}
Hamilton heard the thought and unconsciously nodded in agreement. It had been a very nice way to spend the evening. He felt better than he had in days.
Jake was first to stand up and speak. "I guess I should get going. I don't want your father getting mad because I'm here late on a school night." {And I don't want any more contact than necessary with the Dean.}
"Yeah, you're probably right." Hamilton stood up as well and placed the portfolio on the desk, briefly wondering why Jake was so nervous about being around his father.
Jake turned to leave, but was stopped by Hamilton's voice.
"Uh...Jake?" He said quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks, this was good. You were right. I needed to forget for a while."
"You don't have to tell me, but what happened anyway? I can keep a secret, you know, I'm like a Swiss vault." They both laughed and smiled at the memory of Hamilton saying that just a few weeks ago.
"It's not that I don't trust you, Jake. I just don't quite understand it all myself, yet. I fell off a ladder Saturday and I've been," he searched for the right words, "out of sorts, I guess, ever since. It's really hard to explain."
Her eyes filled with concern for him again. {Ouch, that had to hurt.} "Ok, well...just remember that I'm here if you need me."
"Thanks."
"I should get going." {I don't want to leave.}
"I'll walk you down."
Hamilton watched Jake disappear from sight through his living room window. When he could no longer see Jake, he went back to his bedroom, got undressed and crawled into bed. He thought about the evening he had just spent with Jake. For once, he forced himself not to freak out about Jake's gender and instead focus on how he felt around Jake. With this new perspective he looked back on all the moments they had spent together since Jake came to Rawley. He came to the conclusion that there was more in his heart than just friendship.
"But can I handle being more than just friends?" He asked the ceiling again.
For the first time, he truly thought maybe he could. He drifted off to sleep still thinking about Jake.
Classes went more smoothly the next day. Hamilton was finally adjusting to the extra noise in his head and learning to block it out. Finn's class was still the most difficult though. Jake's thoughts bounced between the material Finn was covering and remembering the previous evening. A few girls were actually thinking about the poem Finn was discussing. And then there were the others...tonight was Dawson's Creek night and several of the girls were hot for Pacey. Even though it was summer and therefore rerun season, these young ladies were all in a tizz over an hour of Pacey Witter.
Hamilton shook his head, not understanding the allure of those sappy teen dramas on the WB. 'I'll take The Soprano's over that stuff any day,' he thought, shaking his head for emphasis.
Practice was all business again and Hamilton was feeling comfortable enough to suggest that he and Jake hit Friendly's for dinner and some ice cream.
"Sounds like a plan, give me 15 minutes to change." Jake smiled. "I'll meet you by my bike."
{Stay calm, it's just a five minute ride.} Jake smiled as she approached her motorcycle and saw Hamilton already there.
"Ready?" She asked, handing him the extra helmet.
"Ready." He replied and climbed on.
As Jake started the bike, Hamilton discovered a new dilemma - where to put his hands? Cautiously, he placed his hands on Jake's waist. Jake forced herself not to react and Hamilton was careful not to hold on too tightly or sit too close.
{Breathe...breathe...it's just a five minute ride.} Jake took a deep breath and drove away.