Disclaimer: DC Comics and Time/Warner own All the characters; this is an original story that does not intend to infringe on their copyright.
All In The Mind
By
Peggie
A loud scream reverberated down the hallway of Wayne Manor. It was followed be a tortured voice repeating the words, "God, no, oh please, no! I can't be too late!"
Half asleep the old man left his room and hurried towards the sound of the voice. As he entered the room next door he turned on the small table lamp near the door. He could make out the figure in the bed, he was sat up, tears falling down his face, he was repeating the same words over and over "My fault, I killed them, it's my fault."
The old man closed his eyes, "Oh son," he breathed, "'why do you do this to yourself?"
Alfred went and sat on the side of the large bed. He put his arms around the distraught man and held him tight. At first the man tried to fight him off, he didn't deserve comfort, he'd failed and because of him six people had died. But gradually he stopped struggling, exhausted he rested his head against his friends shoulder. He felt the same gentle hands stroking his hair and heard the same calm voice reassuring him, it was just like he remember it being when he was a boy. It was as if time had folded in on itself and he was eight again. He knew he was not quite alone in the world, or in his grief. He was loved, even if he didn't deserve to be. Bruce held tightly to the older man feeling his fragile frame, no match for his own powerful physique, but in so many ways the old man was much stronger than he would ever be. He was strong enough to give love freely, without fear and to express his emotions, both things Bruce found himself unable to do.
Alfred held on to Bruce until he felt the young man gain control of himself. Only when the younger man was calm did he release him when he tried to pull away. Standing up Alfred looked at the man he considered a son, "Is there anything you require sir." he asked his voice level and measured.
Bruce shook his head, he was still looking down at the bed covers.
Then I will help you to lie down properly. I will also get you a pain killer and a sleeping pill." the butler said in a matter of fact tone.
Alfred pushed the wheelchair away from the side of the bed to allow him room to get close enough to ease the man further down the mattress, so that the he could lay down more comfortably. Replacing the chair he went to the adjoining bathroom, after a short time he returned with a pain killing injection, a glass of water and the sleeping pill.
Bruce made no objection to the injection, his legs were aching and his back was agony. He did however intend to object to the sleeping pill, that was until he looked up into his friends exhausted face. Time hadn't stood still, the man he was looking at was no longer in his late thirties, and he was now an old man in his sixties. He was also tired and in need of rest, this was the second time tonight he had been into see to Bruce. Taking the glass of water and the pill Bruce whispered his thanks. After taking the tablets he handed the glass back.
"Will you require any thing else sir?" the butler asked.
"No nothing," as the old man headed for the door Bruce added, "thank you Alfred, sleep well old friend."
The older man nodded, "Get some rest sir, you have an appointment with Dr Hillerman at three thirty."
Dick Grayson arrived at Wayne manor a little after ten. He was still in uniform not having had time to change after his shift. Parking his car in the garage he used his keys to enter the house via the kitchen. With luck Alfred would have his favourite breakfast waiting for him. Dick was to be disappointed, not only was there no breakfast, there was no Alfred to be found. Puzzled he went up stairs, maybe Alfred was seeing to Bruce. Looking in on Bruce it was clear the older man wasn't there. Bruce was asleep and the armchair next to the bed was empty. He headed towards the room next door, the old man had been using this room as his own ever since they had brought Bruce home.
Dick knocked quietly on the door, getting no answer he let himself into the room. He could see that the bed was empty and more worryingly unmade. The curtains were still drawn. Only when he drew the curtains back did he see the figure, dressed in pyjamas and a robe, slumped in the chair near the fire, a book of poetry laid, where it had fallen, on the floor. Dick's heart missed several beats, his legs refused to follow the orders he was giving them. It was only when he saw that the old man was breathing, he was able to find the strength to move. Kneeling next to the chair he gently touched the man's arm. "Alfred," he said in a quiet voice "Alfred." he shook him gently.
Alfred opened his eyes, confused to be woken in this way, he looked around in a dazed manner. "Master Dick.? My goodness what time is it?" he asked.
"Just gone ten, are you ok?" Dick asked concerned. Not only had he never known Alfred to oversleep he'd never seen the man look so washed out.
"Fine thank you young man, I must have dozed off while waiting to see if Master Bruce required my services again. If you give me half an hour to check on Master Bruce and to get washed and dressed I should be ready to make you some breakfast."
Dick saw the old man wince as he stood up. Obviously the chair had not been the most comfortable place to sleep. "Alfred, why don't you have a hot bath to help ease your back and I'll see to Bruce this morning." Dick expected him to object. Instead he had just nodded and thanked him. Dick watched the old man as he headed towards the bathroom; he looked totally exhausted.
Bruce was awake and pressing the button to intercom that connected his room to the kitchen. Getting no reply he was getting more and more frustrated.
As the door opened he snarled "About time, where the hell have you been, what am I paying you for?"
"I didn't know you were!" Dick replied.
Bruce looked up startled, "Where's Alfred?" he asked. "I've been trying to get him on and off since eight. What's he been doing, why hasn't he come?" Bruce demanded. "I tried the Kitchen, his room, even the cave."
Dick looked at the man with a mixture of irritation and sympathy. He was irritated that Bruce expected Alfred to be at his beck and call instantly, he was sympathetic because he understood the man's frustration. No one liked going from being independent, to needing help to perform simple everyday tasks that in the past he had taken for granted. For someone like Bruce who had always been so fit it must be doubly frustrating.
"I found Alfred in the chair in his room." Dick said. He had said it in such a way as to give Bruce something to think about.
"He's alright, isn't he?" Bruce asked staring at the younger man.
Dick didn't reply straight away.
"Isn't he?" Bruce demanded! "Dick, is Alfred OK?"
"For a guy his age, who hasn't had a decent nights sleep in weeks and who spent the best part of last night in a chair, he's fine. He's exhausted, suffering from a bad back, but otherwise ready to answer your every summons. I mean that what you're paying him for!" Dick added sarcastically.
Bruce looked shamed faced. "Where is he now? Bruce asked.
"I told him to take a hot bath to ease his back. I would have suggested that he should take the morning off, but I would have been wasting my breath."
"You're sure, he's OK?" Bruce asked, his concern for his old butler clear to see.
Dick nodded, feeling a bit of a heel for frightening Bruce like that. "So what's first, shower, shave or what?"
"Shower." Bruce muttered as he pulled himself into the chair. He headed for the spacious bathroom with Dick following.
"Gee Bruce, you're no light weight." Dick groaned as he lifted Bruce on to the stool in the shower cubical.
"Maybe you're just not as fit as you think you are," Bruce muttered, "it obvious you aren't as fit as Alfred, he has no problems."
Dick just scowled at the man, but got his own back by running the water cold for a few seconds before adjusting it to warm. He smiled to hear Bruce curse.
Half an hour later Dick pushed Bruce into the Kitchen. Alfred was preparing breakfast for both men. The old man looked over his shoulder at his employer. He seemed very remorseful. "Sir I must apologise for this morning." He said, he was extremely contrite, as he gave the two younger men their breakfasts. "I have no excuse to offer, I just failed to hear the alarm or the intercom."
Bruce was worried when he saw how tired the man looked. He caught his friend's hand as he moved to turn away, forcing him to turn back and face him. "No apology require Alfred, you spent half the night taking care of me. So you're entitled to a lie in when you need one. Why don't you go for a couple of hour's sleep now? There's plenty of time, we don't have to leave until two thirty." Bruce said.
"If you're sure sir?" The old man asked hopefully.
Bruce nodded "I am going to spend the time beating Dick at chess. It'll make a nice change from losing to you."
The old man laughed, "That's only because you let me win, otherwise I wouldn't put marshmallows in your drinking chocolate."
Dick laughed, "So that's your secret to winning, is it Alfred!"
"I wish!" Bruce added. "Go and get some sleep," Bruce said his voice unusually gentle, "I am sure Dick doesn't want you to witness his humiliation as I hammer him into submission at the chess board."
As Alfred headed for the door and Dick followed him. "Thanks for the breakfast Al." he said then he hugged the man. "Seeing you in the chair like that gave me a hell of a scare. Make sure you look after yourself Alfred, I don't know what we'd do without you? And I hope it's going to be many years before we have to find out."
Alfred smiled at the young man "I echo that sentiment sir. Keep an eye on his knights, he tends to use them as traps!" the man said.
Thanks to the advice Dick had been given it stood at one game all when the clock struck two. Bruce looked at his watch.
"We could let him sleep and wake him when we get back." Dick said.
Bruce shook his head. "It would be more than my life's worth. Not only does he want to know what Dr Hillerman thinks but also Leslie will be there. I'll not deprive him of a chance to see her."
The two men smiled at each other knowing how much the old butler cared for Dr Leslie. "I've never figured why they both don't admit how much they love each other." Bruce said. "It's obvious to anyone who sees them together. They would make a perfect couple."
Dick laughed, "Are you going to play Cupid Bruce, or shall I?"
Bruce shifted in his chair and winced at the pain in his back. Dick looked at his friend with concern. "Do you want a pain killer Bruce, where are they kept?" As he got up Alfred entered the room. He was dressed in a dark suit rather than his usual butler's uniform or chauffeur's outfit. Today his role was as Bruce's concerned friend, not an employee. Dick noted the kidney dish the man was holding with a syringe, cotton wool and a small bottle in it. Without saying a word or making a fuss the man administered the injection, then left the room to dispose of the needle.
Alfred and Dick were sat in the outer office at Dr Hillerman's. They had not exchanged a word in at least an hour, both men were on edge, but not for the same reason. Leslie and Bruce had been in the consulting room while Dr Hillerman ran a range of test and reviewed the results of Bruce's X-rays and scans.
The bellow of outraged when it came was everything Alfred expected. However it took Dick by surprise. The door was flung open and Bruce propelled himself out of the room. Dick and Alfred where both on their feet. Leslie hurriedly followed Bruce out of the consulting room.
"Do you know what they said," Bruce yelled at his friends "do you know what they think? They think I am faking, they think I want to be in this chair."
"Bruce, no one thinks that Leslie." said quietly. "All we are saying is there is no physical reason why you shouldn't walk."
Bruce turned his chair around sharply forcing Leslie to step back. His face was full of fury. "No you just think I am mentally ill or a coward. That's it, you think I am a coward don't you Leslie? Are you satisfied now, does that make you happy, I am a cowa...."
"That enough young man!" Alfred's voice cut through Bruce like a knife through butter.
Bruce looked from Alfred to Dick, who was opened mouthed, then back to Leslie who was weeping. He spun his wheel chair around and headed towards the elevators.
Dick had a hundred questions he wanted to ask but seeing the anguish on Alfred's face he held his tongue. The old man was looking from Leslie to Bruce obviously torn as to which one to go to and comfort. Dick was certain Bruce would win, Alfred had always put Bruce's needs before everyone else's, especially his own. Today Dick couldn't stand seeing that happening again. "You stay here, I'll see to Bruce." Dick said.
Gratefully the old man nodded. He stepped closer to Leslie and put his arms around her, holding the weeping woman close he stroked her hair.
Dick caught up with Bruce just as the elevator doors opened. He hurriedly joined his friend inside the car.
Bruce turned his furious face towards Dick. "They said there's no physical reason I shouldn't walk." Bruce growled.
"I would have thought that was excellent news," the young man said, "believe me I think it is Bruce!"
The older man turned away. "It means they are implying, I can not walk because I don't want to. Either because I am nuts or a coward." his voice was low but full of pain.
They arrived at the garage level. "Where's Alfred?" Bruce asked.
"I left him to take care of Leslie. You were pretty rough on her Bruce."
He nodded "I know," he muttered "I'll go back and apologise."
"Leave it to Alfred." Dick advised. "I think Leslie will feel better for having him to herself for a while."
Dick put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Bruce if you need to talk I am here for you, I care, we all do."
Bruce looked at the young man and nodded "I know." he muttered.
Twenty minutes later the Alfred and Leslie joined them at the car. Leslie looked calmer. Alfred had his arm around her protectively.
"Leslie, I am sorry," Bruce said "please forgive my outburst. It was uncalled for."
"It's alright Bruce, I know you were upset." Leslie said, she gave him a weak smile.
Alfred opened the rear door of the car and lifted Bruce into his seat. Dick stowed the wheelchair in the boot then climbed in next to Bruce. Leslie opened to front passenger side door and slipped into the seat. Alfred was about to voice his protest, when Bruce whispered, "Let her ride up front with you if she want's to, old friend. I don't blame her not wanting to sit with me at the moment." They rode in silence back to the manor.
In a well-practised manoeuvre Alfred got Bruce out of the car and into his wheelchair. Dick pushed Bruce towards the house. Leslie's eyes followed both young men as they headed towards the front door but she didn't move to follow them, instead she looked at Alfred. He had been about to take the car to the garage, but sighing gently he locked the doors, then taking Leslie's arm escorted her into the house. They all went into the Library, Bruce manoeuvred himself to the side of the desk, Dick slumped into the nearest armchair and Leslie sat on the couch. Alfred stood near the door. "If you will excuse me sir, I will get the tea." the old man said.
He returned twenty minutes later, having changed into his uniform and carrying a tray of tea and sandwiches. He noticed how quiet everyone was. During his absence no one had spoken or moved. "Do you require anything else sir?" The man asked.
"Only that you sit down with the rest of the family Alfred." Bruce said. As the man was about to protest, Bruce growled, "Dam it Alfred, sit down; if anyone has a right to a say in this it's you. You're the nearest thing I've had to a family since I was eight. You're also the one that's been lumbered with looking after me."
Leslie grasped the man's hand and made him sit down next to her.
"You're sure all the tests prove there's no physical reason for Bruce not being able to walk?" Dick asked. "I mean what about the pains he's having! They're real."
"The pain is what anyone would experience if they spent twenty four hours a day either sat in a wheelchair or laid in bed not moving their lower limbs. Ok, some of it will be due to the deep bruising he sustained when Two-Face threw him out of the window, but that is all the damage he did. All our tests proved negative for spinal injuries. In theory, Bruce you should be able to walk if you want to." Leslie said, she saw anger flash across Bruce's face. "Bruce of course I don't think you are a coward. How could you imagine I would think that of you?" Tears stood out in Leslie's eyes.
Bruce looked down at his feet, distressed to have upset Leslie so much. He manoeuvred his chair up to Leslie and took her hand, "I am sorry." he managed to mutter still unable to meet her eyes.
"So Alfred, what's your opinion, am I a coward or just nuts?" Bruce asked his oldest and most trusted friend.
"Sir, I've known you since you were four years old and I have never known you to be a coward. As for being 'nuts' well, I've always been a little worried about your love of dressing up like a bat. But as for not wanting to walk, well that is understandable."
"It is?" Bruce asked. "You seem pretty sure that I could walk if I wanted to, why are you so sure?"
"Because sir, one several occasion in the past month I have found you in the cave sleep walking." the old man answered.
They all looked at him in amazement. "You never said anything." Leslie gasped.
"No, it wasn't my place to. I figured that Master Bruce would eventually realise he could walk. Subconsciously he already knows it."
"I do?" Bruce asked amazed.
"Yes sir, whenever I have had difficult lifting you and I was in danger of hurting myself you have assisted me. A man paralysed from the waist down would not have been able to do that."
Bruce stared at the old man, "So why is it so understandable that I don't want to walk?" Bruce asked.
"Sir I am not a psychiatrist so any opinion I have is only guess work on my part."
"I'd stake my life on your guess work Alfred! I've done so on many occasion in the past and never regretted it."
"You, for some strange reason I cannot understand, blame yourself for the deaths of those six people on that bus. It wasn't you that blew up the bridge it was Two-Face, but because you didn't stop him you seem to think it's your fault. It's not, you didn't plan their deaths, and you didn't plant the bomb, or detonate it. Therefor it's not your fault. Why a man who considers himself intelligent is unable to grasp this simple fact I fail to understand. You are not a killer Two-Face is. What you are trying to do is give yourself an excuse for not attending the next incident. If you are not there then it can be in no way be your fault if someone dies." The old man said. "But what I want to know sir, is will you then blame yourself if someone dies who Batman could have saved if he had been there?"
With that the Alfred got up and left the room obviously exasperated with his employer.
All three of them watched him leave. "He's wasted as a butler," Dick said.
Bruce looked from Leslie to Dick. With an intense look of concentration on his face, he carefully he placed his feet on to the ground. With an effort he pushed himself up on to his feet. At first he stood unsteadily, it seemed impossible to move. Bruce's feet felt frozen to the floor.
Dick moved to aid his friend but Leslie held on to his arm and shook her head. "This demon is one he must fight alone Dick, only Bruce Wayne can defeat Bruce Wayne."
Using all his will power Bruce walked across the floor towards his friends.
Leslie stood up as Bruce got to her she hugged him tight tears of joy running down her face. "Oh darling, I've never though of you as anything but brave and this is just another example of how brave you are!"
Dick clapped Bruce on the back. "Good to see you up and around Bruce. Give it a couple of days and we'll go on patrol together, it'll be like old times."
Bruce nodded, "Thanks Dick! If you'll excuse me I think I need to apologies to an old friend." With that Bruce headed toward the Kitchen.