-Author's note-

(Insta-general info: Story takes in all three eppies of the Ally Trilogy - Ghost of a Chance, Frozen in Time, The Lesser Evil; rating is tame, no I don't own I-man.)



For those who are wondering, it's not by some strange, morbid coincidence that a disturbing number of Death to Ally fics have sprung up in this place: a contest recently took place to creatively and feasibly kill off Allianora (ok maybe it is a tad morbid). Or La Lorona. Helen Black. Whatever her real name is. Anyway, EWSPWfH is the acronym for Evil Water Spitting Women from Hell, the name that R2 (Stacey) and co. dubbed Allianora for the sake of the contest.

Not wanting to miss out on such an opportunity, I sat down and contemplated on how to creatively and gruesomely end Ally's life.

This went on for about 3 minutes, until I finally realized I really didn't like writing about death of characters (Even annoying ones), much less creative *and* gruesome deaths of characters (even annoying ones).

But, I did want to write something, so... Without further ado...







An Eulogy to the EWSPWfH







"Hey Hobbes, remember Ally?"

"Ally... oh, the Blowfish? The one who kept stalking you?"

"...You make it sound so cute."

"It was! She had a major crush on you! Always followin' you around, trying to get your attention-"

"She tried to kill me! Or something close to that. Several times."

"Fawkes, you don't get it, do you? It's her way of showing affection. You know how, as the wee little kids we once were-"

"Wee little kids?"

"Shut up and listen. As little kids, we used to tease girls and steal their stuff, 'cause we didn't know how else to show them we liked them? Same thing."

"Uh... okay... Actually, I gotta admit, that does explain a lot."

"Sure it does... wait... Don't tell me you didn't notice."

Pause.

"God, Fawkes, I swear you are so dense-"

"I noticed! Of course I noticed." There was a thoughtful pause. "Especially in the Chrysalis Affair, when she turned me in and I nearly got personal with someone's scalpel again."

"But see, that was because you disrespected her feelings. Women are more emotional, more sensitive then us, my friend. They get mad at the little things, like when they invite you over to dinner and you shoot them."

"Man, she- she had on a vest, and she knew-I knew-we all knew it was a test to-" There was a short pause. "Wait, may I remind you, it was originally your idea?"

"Well....yes.. But, uh, it was bound to happen. You two never had much of a ying-yang thing going on anyway." Short pause again. "So... what about her?"

"Yeah... she called me again."

"God, woman does not know when to end relationships gracefully."

"Well said, Mr. Ex-wife stalker. Anyway, said she wanted to meet me... near the new Starbucks being built. Said she had some info that I might find interesting."

"You gonna go?"

"Already went."

Another pause.

"...Fawkes! Haven't you learned? Contact us next time-"

"Don't worry, I'm a thinkin' there might not be a next time."

"What, did she come to tell you the Chrysler thing shut down and she's gotten a job at the local fire station?"

"Well, she started coming towards me, from across the street-"

There was a hesitant pause.

"Yeah..?"

"And... a truck came and hit her."

A very long silence ensued.

"I.. think the driver was drunk."

"...Ah."

There was another silence.

"But... that doesn't necessarily mean, she's dead."

"Well, yeah, but it was a big truck. Going very fast."

There was a thoughtful silence

"Still- never though it'd end like.. that."

"Look on the flip side, Fawkes."

"What? It's an interesting way to go?"

"For a secret agent, yeah."





Epilogue



"Wasn't sure how to react at first- know what I mean?"

"I hear ya, bro." There was a considerate silence. "Been hearing you for a while now."

"But now, I'm starting to feel kinda bad about it, though..."

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud! We've gone through, what, half-dozen or more terrorists, too many freaks and weirdos, random idiots, and the death of Alley Oop, of all people-"

"Look, in front of my face, big truck comes and -wham!- takes Allianora. Now, I didn't have a thing for her, but that's still... disturbing, all right?"

"All right all right. God, Fawkes, what's with the relationships you have with women anyway?"




***

(Not any real part of story)

-Bonus-

What Darien hadn't mentioned out loud, and what he still considered as some weird momentary illusion, was that the driver of the truck appeared to be brandishing a pinecone-topped wand, yelling, "I-Maenad, comin' thru'!"

***