AUTHOR'S NOTE: This has been hiding in the vast, desolate cacaphony of my "My Documents" folder for about a year now, and it was only today when I went to Akira's page that I remembered it!
Originally written for the Fangirls e-list ^_^ So ignore anything you don't get; it's probably an in-joke :)
HOW SPORKS CAME TO BE
By: Anna
Once there was a magical elf named Freddy. He was a very cranky,
antisocial, unfriendly, taciturn fellow.
As you may have guessed, he was one Squall Leonhart's ancestors, but that's another story. Kind of.
So one day Freddy was running grouchily through the forest when he fell down.
"Stupid ^$^&&*ing tree roots!" yelled Freddy, kicking the nearest tree...
...when lo and behold, a fairy fell out of the tree! She was wearing a very beautiful shiny dress and very beautiful shiny shoes and very beautiful shiny jewelry and she was pwitty and sparkwy and speciaw. Awwww!!!
"I AM THE FAIRY QUEEN SELPHIE!" she said in an extremely unladylike
voice. "WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YA BIG-EARED PUNK!"
"Bite me hard, butterfly!" Freddy snarled, raising his foot to smash Selphie against the tree trunk.
But Selphie would not be deterred! She flew out of the way as Freddy's big fat foot came down and bit him on the ear. He howled in pain and tried to smash her again, but only succeeded in slapping her down onto the ground.
Selphie gave a weak cry as she fluttered to the ground and lay there,
unconcious.
"Good riddance, you gigantic talking bug!" Freddy said triumphantly, and went on his way. Or tried to, that is...
...until something heavy fell on him from above! Freddy dropped like a stone, the big heavy thing covering him completely. It felt like a naked man. And no, this isn't going to turn into a lemon.
Freddy and the other guy both shrieked and scrambled to other sides of the forest glade, then turned to face each other.
Freddy was about three feet tall, skinny, with messy blond hair and big elf ears. The other man was six foot one, with long, beautiful, majestic silver hair, and gorgeous, sexy, glowing green eyes...and gigantic muscles...and long legs...and the prettiest face y'all ever did see...*hyuck*...and...welllllll...naked. (Imagine THAT part for yourself!)
"Hey! You're not Hojo!" said the naked man, who was hiding his lower half behind a bush. "Dammit!"
"The hell are you?" Freddy asked.
"Sephiroth, of course! Who did you think I was?"
"Huh?"
"You know...Sephiroth of SOLDIER!"
"Dude, I am like NOT getting you."
"Oh, come ON! Raise arms, 'I am becoming one with the Planet', lower arms? Killed Aeris Gainsborough? One-Winged Angel? Final Fantasy VII?"
Freddy thought for a minute. "Uh...I have a Nintendo 64."
"Crap!" said Sephiroth disappointedly. "Oh, well." He looked around. "I don't suppose you'd have any extra pairs of pants, would you?" Freddy shook his head. "Double crap!"
"Look, why don't you come with me?" Freddy asked. "I'm going to the mall. You can buy pants there."
"Really? Great!" said Sephiroth. "Let me just get my pseudo-mother's severed arm outta that tree..."
Ten minutes later, Freddy, Sephhy and Jenova's disgusting severed arm were skipping merrily through the forest. Well, Jenova's arm wasn't skipping, but that's normal, for severed arms.
Suddenly, a tall man in a cowboy outfit jumped out at them. "WHO'S THE BOZO WHO KNOCKED OUT MY BEAUTIFUL SELPHIE???" he screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Hey! It's Kid Rock!" Sephiroth said delightedly.
"No, numbnuts! I'm Irvine Kinneas! Why aren't there any chicks with you?"
Freddy and Sephiroth shrugged.
"And why don't you have any pants on?"
Freddy and Sephiroth shrugged.
"And whatever happened to Joe Piscopo, huh? That guy had some real
talent, and after Saturday Night Live, he just DISAPPEARED!"
Freddy and Sephiroth shrugged.
"Great" said Irvine disgustedly, "You guys not only hurt Selphie, but you're no help at all!"
"Dude, like, nobody knows what happened to Piscopo." said Sephiroth.
"True!" said Irvine.
"The plot of this story is going nowhere." Freddy said.
"Yeah, but on purpose." said Sephiroth.
"Kind of like an Oscar fic, but without cat sex."
"Also true."
"No, those have plots, but they usually revolve around...well...cat sex."
"And self-insertion."
"Yeah, and self-insertion! Self-insertion sucks!"
"Hey, let's get on with the story, shall we guys?"
"Well, y'all can go on ahead. But I'm gonna stay here and wait for hot chicks." said Irvine, settling back against a tree comfortably. Seph and Freddy shrugged one final time and went on their way.
Soon, they came a little house made of gingerbread.
"That's so cliche!" Freddy said disapprovingly.
Okay, Twinkies. So they came to the house of Twinkies and there they were greeted by a redhead with a scythe.
"I am Lord Dryst! Who dares to come into my house of spongy 'baked'
goods?"
"A cranky magical elf, an insane supervillain, and a disembodied space dragon's limb!"
"Ew." said Dryst. "That thing is NASTY."
"Don't you make fun of my mommy!' said Sephiroth, hugging the arm
protectively.
"What-EVER!"
(Mieu smacked Anna on the head for writing Dryst so OOC. [assuming that it's Mieu who likes Dryst, sometimes I get confused, gomen nasai.] )
Sephiroth asked, "Anyways, can I borrow some pants?"
"Ooooh...sorry, man, I just took 'em to the cleaner's. But there's a castle up ahead about a mile. They should have extra pants there." Dryst said.
"Nuts! Well, okay. Thank you, Mr. Dryst." said Sephiroth dejectedly. And so they CONTINUED to continue on their way. Then they came to a desert where gigantic chickens ran around with people on their backs.
"Oh, god, they transported me into FF6!" Sephiroth moaned. "Freddy, I can't go in there! They'll know it's...ME!"
Freddy looked diapprovingly at Sephiroth's extreme polygon-ness. "You're right. If Kefka's there he'd probably lynch you for not carrying on that 'Villainous Clown' look he tried to impose on all the villains in all the Final Fantasies after his."
"He's still miffed that nobody would follow it." said Sephiroth. "Aw, doofers~!"
So , they walked away from the desert and kept going until they came to a beautiful lake. The water was pre blue and it was lined with flowers. Freddy and Sephiroth decided to go for a swim.
"NO! YOU CANNOT SWIM IN THIS LAKE!" yelled someone.
"I can too!" Sephiroth said, and ran into the water. All of a sudden, ZAP! Sephiroth turned into a rock.
"Oh. Cool." said Freddy.
Citan Uzuki, wearing a flowing ballgown with puffy sleeves and a pair of spike heels, floated down from the sky and landed in front of Freddy. "It is a shame that your friend did not follow my instructions."
"Why don't you use contractions in your sentences?" Freddy asked.
Citan ignored him and continued. "However, since perhaps you did not get much warning, I shall turn your friend into a more useful item, one that many people will love and enjoy forever."
"What is it, Pikachu?"
"No, it is called a spork." And with that, Citan disappeared.
Freddy felt something in his hand. He looked down, and a beautiful thing rested there: half spoon, half fork, very lovely. "Nifty." he said in a bored voice.
And so that is how the spork came to be.
Originally written for the Fangirls e-list ^_^ So ignore anything you don't get; it's probably an in-joke :)
HOW SPORKS CAME TO BE
By: Anna
Once there was a magical elf named Freddy. He was a very cranky,
antisocial, unfriendly, taciturn fellow.
As you may have guessed, he was one Squall Leonhart's ancestors, but that's another story. Kind of.
So one day Freddy was running grouchily through the forest when he fell down.
"Stupid ^$^&&*ing tree roots!" yelled Freddy, kicking the nearest tree...
...when lo and behold, a fairy fell out of the tree! She was wearing a very beautiful shiny dress and very beautiful shiny shoes and very beautiful shiny jewelry and she was pwitty and sparkwy and speciaw. Awwww!!!
"I AM THE FAIRY QUEEN SELPHIE!" she said in an extremely unladylike
voice. "WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YA BIG-EARED PUNK!"
"Bite me hard, butterfly!" Freddy snarled, raising his foot to smash Selphie against the tree trunk.
But Selphie would not be deterred! She flew out of the way as Freddy's big fat foot came down and bit him on the ear. He howled in pain and tried to smash her again, but only succeeded in slapping her down onto the ground.
Selphie gave a weak cry as she fluttered to the ground and lay there,
unconcious.
"Good riddance, you gigantic talking bug!" Freddy said triumphantly, and went on his way. Or tried to, that is...
...until something heavy fell on him from above! Freddy dropped like a stone, the big heavy thing covering him completely. It felt like a naked man. And no, this isn't going to turn into a lemon.
Freddy and the other guy both shrieked and scrambled to other sides of the forest glade, then turned to face each other.
Freddy was about three feet tall, skinny, with messy blond hair and big elf ears. The other man was six foot one, with long, beautiful, majestic silver hair, and gorgeous, sexy, glowing green eyes...and gigantic muscles...and long legs...and the prettiest face y'all ever did see...*hyuck*...and...welllllll...naked. (Imagine THAT part for yourself!)
"Hey! You're not Hojo!" said the naked man, who was hiding his lower half behind a bush. "Dammit!"
"The hell are you?" Freddy asked.
"Sephiroth, of course! Who did you think I was?"
"Huh?"
"You know...Sephiroth of SOLDIER!"
"Dude, I am like NOT getting you."
"Oh, come ON! Raise arms, 'I am becoming one with the Planet', lower arms? Killed Aeris Gainsborough? One-Winged Angel? Final Fantasy VII?"
Freddy thought for a minute. "Uh...I have a Nintendo 64."
"Crap!" said Sephiroth disappointedly. "Oh, well." He looked around. "I don't suppose you'd have any extra pairs of pants, would you?" Freddy shook his head. "Double crap!"
"Look, why don't you come with me?" Freddy asked. "I'm going to the mall. You can buy pants there."
"Really? Great!" said Sephiroth. "Let me just get my pseudo-mother's severed arm outta that tree..."
Ten minutes later, Freddy, Sephhy and Jenova's disgusting severed arm were skipping merrily through the forest. Well, Jenova's arm wasn't skipping, but that's normal, for severed arms.
Suddenly, a tall man in a cowboy outfit jumped out at them. "WHO'S THE BOZO WHO KNOCKED OUT MY BEAUTIFUL SELPHIE???" he screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Hey! It's Kid Rock!" Sephiroth said delightedly.
"No, numbnuts! I'm Irvine Kinneas! Why aren't there any chicks with you?"
Freddy and Sephiroth shrugged.
"And why don't you have any pants on?"
Freddy and Sephiroth shrugged.
"And whatever happened to Joe Piscopo, huh? That guy had some real
talent, and after Saturday Night Live, he just DISAPPEARED!"
Freddy and Sephiroth shrugged.
"Great" said Irvine disgustedly, "You guys not only hurt Selphie, but you're no help at all!"
"Dude, like, nobody knows what happened to Piscopo." said Sephiroth.
"True!" said Irvine.
"The plot of this story is going nowhere." Freddy said.
"Yeah, but on purpose." said Sephiroth.
"Kind of like an Oscar fic, but without cat sex."
"Also true."
"No, those have plots, but they usually revolve around...well...cat sex."
"And self-insertion."
"Yeah, and self-insertion! Self-insertion sucks!"
"Hey, let's get on with the story, shall we guys?"
"Well, y'all can go on ahead. But I'm gonna stay here and wait for hot chicks." said Irvine, settling back against a tree comfortably. Seph and Freddy shrugged one final time and went on their way.
Soon, they came a little house made of gingerbread.
"That's so cliche!" Freddy said disapprovingly.
Okay, Twinkies. So they came to the house of Twinkies and there they were greeted by a redhead with a scythe.
"I am Lord Dryst! Who dares to come into my house of spongy 'baked'
goods?"
"A cranky magical elf, an insane supervillain, and a disembodied space dragon's limb!"
"Ew." said Dryst. "That thing is NASTY."
"Don't you make fun of my mommy!' said Sephiroth, hugging the arm
protectively.
"What-EVER!"
(Mieu smacked Anna on the head for writing Dryst so OOC. [assuming that it's Mieu who likes Dryst, sometimes I get confused, gomen nasai.] )
Sephiroth asked, "Anyways, can I borrow some pants?"
"Ooooh...sorry, man, I just took 'em to the cleaner's. But there's a castle up ahead about a mile. They should have extra pants there." Dryst said.
"Nuts! Well, okay. Thank you, Mr. Dryst." said Sephiroth dejectedly. And so they CONTINUED to continue on their way. Then they came to a desert where gigantic chickens ran around with people on their backs.
"Oh, god, they transported me into FF6!" Sephiroth moaned. "Freddy, I can't go in there! They'll know it's...ME!"
Freddy looked diapprovingly at Sephiroth's extreme polygon-ness. "You're right. If Kefka's there he'd probably lynch you for not carrying on that 'Villainous Clown' look he tried to impose on all the villains in all the Final Fantasies after his."
"He's still miffed that nobody would follow it." said Sephiroth. "Aw, doofers~!"
So , they walked away from the desert and kept going until they came to a beautiful lake. The water was pre blue and it was lined with flowers. Freddy and Sephiroth decided to go for a swim.
"NO! YOU CANNOT SWIM IN THIS LAKE!" yelled someone.
"I can too!" Sephiroth said, and ran into the water. All of a sudden, ZAP! Sephiroth turned into a rock.
"Oh. Cool." said Freddy.
Citan Uzuki, wearing a flowing ballgown with puffy sleeves and a pair of spike heels, floated down from the sky and landed in front of Freddy. "It is a shame that your friend did not follow my instructions."
"Why don't you use contractions in your sentences?" Freddy asked.
Citan ignored him and continued. "However, since perhaps you did not get much warning, I shall turn your friend into a more useful item, one that many people will love and enjoy forever."
"What is it, Pikachu?"
"No, it is called a spork." And with that, Citan disappeared.
Freddy felt something in his hand. He looked down, and a beautiful thing rested there: half spoon, half fork, very lovely. "Nifty." he said in a bored voice.
And so that is how the spork came to be.