Chapter 8- Epilogue: Fate, Fortune, and Friendship
MarshAngel
watsonma@hotmail.com
http://www.crosswinds.net/~marshangel/angelmoon.htm
I don't do disclaimers anymore because 1.) I'm broke 2.) No one would dare sue me 3.) That
would be a waste of energy.
According to Setsu, their little talk had gone well but Usagi still hadn't spoken to me. We should have been working together but she was avoiding me. It was disturbing the power she had over me. I had spent more hours within the past few days than I'd care to admit thinking about her, her image haunting my every waking moment and invading my dreams.
I was very tempted to approach her myself but Setsuna said I should wait and give her time to think. I wasn't sure how long that would be, or how long I could wait before I'd slowly go out of my mind however. I am beginning to think that maybe love is too painful to be experienced. I can already feel my heart rending at the idea that she might actually decide not to see me again.
I could almost understand that she could see herself intruding on my relationship with Setsu. In a way she was. I could already feel Setsu withdrawing from me. She saw it as the inevitable change in our relationship, a necessary action so that I could be happy with Serena or whatever other woman would come into my life.
Having another woman in my life at this point however seemed highly unlikely. I could hardly imagine life without her anymore. It seemed, completely and unexpectedly, I had fallen in love with her. And for every day we were apart my heart did not pull away but seemingly sank even deeper into this mire of overwhelming love and despair for its loss, a loss that was hopefully merely temporarily.
While I waited impatiently however, life did not stand still. Quite the opposite seemed to occur actually. Life seemed to push ahead though, mostly without me. I experienced the first of what would most likely be a long series of fatherly moments.
I saw my child's heart beat so fast it was mystifying. It was both exciting and scary, two emotions that seemed to define every moment of this experience thus far. I also saw a half dozen business deals go through and it were as though I had nothing to do with them. I was living outside myself.
It was today, after I had seen my child for the first time in the ultrasound and held Setu's hand as we looked on in amazement that I sat in my offices staring out into the distance over the city. The smooth smoky voice of Ella Fitzgerald sang softly from the stereo on one side of the room, singing, "The Man I Love." It was the middle of the day but the song had me feeling one of those cliché movie moments, one where I sat at a mostly empty bar listening to the beautiful cabaret singer croon along with the piano.
"Nice Song."
I turned at the sound of the voice. I'd been so absorbed with the view and the music I hadn't even heard anyone enter.
She was a sight for sore eyes. In the days I hadn't seen her it seemed she'd only gotten more beautiful. It seemed the light in the room coalesced around her form to turn her into an angel, or rather show her off for the angel I knew her to be. I felt drugged.
"I guess I owe you some congratulations," she said softly. "You're going to be a father."
I smiled as she pulled an arm from behind her back to reveal a fuzzy, flopsy-eared purple rabbit holding a tiny balloon that said congratulations. I got up out of my chair and accepted my gift.
"Thanks. He's cute," I commented, staring at my new stuffed friend.
"He reminded me of you," she said smiling.
I raised an eyebrow. I wondered if that was an insult to my masculinity. I decided not to analyze it further.
"So…" I began.
"So…" she replied, and we both smiled. I guess we were both at a loss for words.
"I missed you," I informed.
She smiled, and blushing as if embarrassed by the knowledge she looked down as she said, "I missed you too." I was happy to hear it.
"Setsuna explained everything," she began. "It's all a little strange but I'm not angry with you. I think I understand and I suppose I just wanted you to know that I'm still here, if you want me still."
I was so happy. I rejoiced by kissing her senseless, making sure to permanently record in my mind the warm, sweet taste of her… just in case.
There hadn't been a need to savor that one kiss, Usagi stayed by my side for a long time to come. All the same, for all the kisses and gentle touches I received from her, each one had it's own importance; it's own imprint on my heart. It was the way she touched my son, and held him that I savored the most however, knowing that one day soon that would be our child she held and comforted so tenderly.
There are times when I feel torn between the two women in my life. Each one shares a part of me that the other will never experience and I almost feel guilty for the time I spend with one and not the other. It's a difficult balance but one that must be maintained for I can't say that I could live without either one.
Setsuna had been right. Life had changed. Everything was so different. I couldn't in the slightest bit claim to be lonely anymore. In fact, finding a moment alone to think is an accomplishment these days but I wouldn't give any of it up, it's all too wonderful.
Sometimes I sit and I wonder how it was possible to live before. How did I live without the joy of watching my son sleep, all curled up in a rather adorable soft ball? What wouldn't I have given before just to see Setsu's face glow with joy and light up with laughter when her little boy tried to chew on her hair? And how could I possibly have imagined how beautiful my Usako could be walking down that aisle to meet me?
I can't help but think I don't deserve it all and maybe I really don't. Chances are none of us deserve all the great things that happen to us. It's much easier to be philosophical when you feel you have everything but I think that when you think you have little, or that you've somehow been cheated in life you spend far too much time wallowing in your own self-pity. My life wasn't so bad before, neither was Setsu's; we had each other. But now I have Usa, and it all means so much more.
It's one of these things I learned after I met Usako. I realized that while I'd been through a lot in life it was all-ok. I had survived and done well and most importantly I had her now. All I had to do was appreciate it.
I know it sounds easy to say, especially now that I have so much. Maybe everyone isn't as lucky as I am but still, every little bit should be appreciated, especially your friends.
I don't think I'll ever truly understand, although somewhere inside I think I do, what Setsu has done. I don't think anyone else will ever see what the sacrifice for her was; it is one of those things I truly admire even though I also feel the pain of it too.
We aren't nearly as close as we were, which I suppose is understandable but sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I wish we could be as close as we were but there is a balance in life that must be maintained and you can't have everything you want in life all at once. Setsu and Usako can't share equal portions of my life, Usa is my wife now and she comes first.
There are times I can't help but think that Setsu is one step ahead of me all the time. If not for our son, I doubt we could have maintained as strong a relationship as we have. Her foresight is intimidating sometimes but I always remind myself that without her there would be no Usako in my life and that thought brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.
MarshAngel
watsonma@hotmail.com
http://www.crosswinds.net/~marshangel/angelmoon.htm
I don't do disclaimers anymore because 1.) I'm broke 2.) No one would dare sue me 3.) That
would be a waste of energy.
According to Setsu, their little talk had gone well but Usagi still hadn't spoken to me. We should have been working together but she was avoiding me. It was disturbing the power she had over me. I had spent more hours within the past few days than I'd care to admit thinking about her, her image haunting my every waking moment and invading my dreams.
I was very tempted to approach her myself but Setsuna said I should wait and give her time to think. I wasn't sure how long that would be, or how long I could wait before I'd slowly go out of my mind however. I am beginning to think that maybe love is too painful to be experienced. I can already feel my heart rending at the idea that she might actually decide not to see me again.
I could almost understand that she could see herself intruding on my relationship with Setsu. In a way she was. I could already feel Setsu withdrawing from me. She saw it as the inevitable change in our relationship, a necessary action so that I could be happy with Serena or whatever other woman would come into my life.
Having another woman in my life at this point however seemed highly unlikely. I could hardly imagine life without her anymore. It seemed, completely and unexpectedly, I had fallen in love with her. And for every day we were apart my heart did not pull away but seemingly sank even deeper into this mire of overwhelming love and despair for its loss, a loss that was hopefully merely temporarily.
While I waited impatiently however, life did not stand still. Quite the opposite seemed to occur actually. Life seemed to push ahead though, mostly without me. I experienced the first of what would most likely be a long series of fatherly moments.
I saw my child's heart beat so fast it was mystifying. It was both exciting and scary, two emotions that seemed to define every moment of this experience thus far. I also saw a half dozen business deals go through and it were as though I had nothing to do with them. I was living outside myself.
It was today, after I had seen my child for the first time in the ultrasound and held Setu's hand as we looked on in amazement that I sat in my offices staring out into the distance over the city. The smooth smoky voice of Ella Fitzgerald sang softly from the stereo on one side of the room, singing, "The Man I Love." It was the middle of the day but the song had me feeling one of those cliché movie moments, one where I sat at a mostly empty bar listening to the beautiful cabaret singer croon along with the piano.
"Nice Song."
I turned at the sound of the voice. I'd been so absorbed with the view and the music I hadn't even heard anyone enter.
She was a sight for sore eyes. In the days I hadn't seen her it seemed she'd only gotten more beautiful. It seemed the light in the room coalesced around her form to turn her into an angel, or rather show her off for the angel I knew her to be. I felt drugged.
"I guess I owe you some congratulations," she said softly. "You're going to be a father."
I smiled as she pulled an arm from behind her back to reveal a fuzzy, flopsy-eared purple rabbit holding a tiny balloon that said congratulations. I got up out of my chair and accepted my gift.
"Thanks. He's cute," I commented, staring at my new stuffed friend.
"He reminded me of you," she said smiling.
I raised an eyebrow. I wondered if that was an insult to my masculinity. I decided not to analyze it further.
"So…" I began.
"So…" she replied, and we both smiled. I guess we were both at a loss for words.
"I missed you," I informed.
She smiled, and blushing as if embarrassed by the knowledge she looked down as she said, "I missed you too." I was happy to hear it.
"Setsuna explained everything," she began. "It's all a little strange but I'm not angry with you. I think I understand and I suppose I just wanted you to know that I'm still here, if you want me still."
I was so happy. I rejoiced by kissing her senseless, making sure to permanently record in my mind the warm, sweet taste of her… just in case.
There hadn't been a need to savor that one kiss, Usagi stayed by my side for a long time to come. All the same, for all the kisses and gentle touches I received from her, each one had it's own importance; it's own imprint on my heart. It was the way she touched my son, and held him that I savored the most however, knowing that one day soon that would be our child she held and comforted so tenderly.
There are times when I feel torn between the two women in my life. Each one shares a part of me that the other will never experience and I almost feel guilty for the time I spend with one and not the other. It's a difficult balance but one that must be maintained for I can't say that I could live without either one.
Setsuna had been right. Life had changed. Everything was so different. I couldn't in the slightest bit claim to be lonely anymore. In fact, finding a moment alone to think is an accomplishment these days but I wouldn't give any of it up, it's all too wonderful.
Sometimes I sit and I wonder how it was possible to live before. How did I live without the joy of watching my son sleep, all curled up in a rather adorable soft ball? What wouldn't I have given before just to see Setsu's face glow with joy and light up with laughter when her little boy tried to chew on her hair? And how could I possibly have imagined how beautiful my Usako could be walking down that aisle to meet me?
I can't help but think I don't deserve it all and maybe I really don't. Chances are none of us deserve all the great things that happen to us. It's much easier to be philosophical when you feel you have everything but I think that when you think you have little, or that you've somehow been cheated in life you spend far too much time wallowing in your own self-pity. My life wasn't so bad before, neither was Setsu's; we had each other. But now I have Usa, and it all means so much more.
It's one of these things I learned after I met Usako. I realized that while I'd been through a lot in life it was all-ok. I had survived and done well and most importantly I had her now. All I had to do was appreciate it.
I know it sounds easy to say, especially now that I have so much. Maybe everyone isn't as lucky as I am but still, every little bit should be appreciated, especially your friends.
I don't think I'll ever truly understand, although somewhere inside I think I do, what Setsu has done. I don't think anyone else will ever see what the sacrifice for her was; it is one of those things I truly admire even though I also feel the pain of it too.
We aren't nearly as close as we were, which I suppose is understandable but sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I wish we could be as close as we were but there is a balance in life that must be maintained and you can't have everything you want in life all at once. Setsu and Usako can't share equal portions of my life, Usa is my wife now and she comes first.
There are times I can't help but think that Setsu is one step ahead of me all the time. If not for our son, I doubt we could have maintained as strong a relationship as we have. Her foresight is intimidating sometimes but I always remind myself that without her there would be no Usako in my life and that thought brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.